Page 3 | To think FWB is a load of old BX

OnlyAFleshWound · 14/02/2022 17:42

@AlwaysColdTea

I've had a few fwbs over the years.

My most significant was my male best friend who I'd been friends with for several years. It was hugely respectful. We had a lot of fun.

It was a friendship - we talked, chatted most days, went out for lunch, to the cinema- friend stuff. But, sometimes, we'd also have sex.

The boundaries were clear. Neither of us wanted anything more. Lines never became blurred.

Neither of us was using the other - it was just an extra facet of our friendship. It continued on and off for a few years and stopped when I got a boyfriend. When he was really pleased for me and we continued to be friends but dropped the benefits.

The sex was never mentioned out of respect for my boyfriend. There was no risk of it happening then. When bf and I split up, we resumed the sex again after a couple of months.

Eventually, the sex element just fizzled out and we remain good friends to this day.

There are a lot if fwb scenarios described in here where I can see Neither friendship nor benefits. That is the issue.

I would not want to be the boyfriend in that situation. It sounds deceptive, rather than respectful.

Thewindwhispers · 14/02/2022 18:03

Yanbu.

I think when women say FWB, what they usually mean is a man they’d love to be in a relationship with, but who doesn’t admire/like them enough to date them, but he is willing to have affectionless sex with them occasionally, on his timetable, with no commitment, while he looks around for someone better. And the woman puts up with it telling herself she is cool and this is what she wants while secretly hoping he’ll fall in love with her.

Redglitter · 14/02/2022 18:06

I've had a FWB for several years now. It suits us both. As far as I'm concerned it's totally different to a 'relationship' in that we don't go out together, we don't go holidays or meet each others friends. We're friends and a few times a month we have sex.

Neither of us wants anything more from the other. We meet when it suits us both, sometimes I message him to instigate it, sometimes he messages me. I certainly don't sit waiting for a call

He comes over we normally chat, have a coffee or lunch, have sex, then he goes home

It can work, and it can work very well

RedCandyApple · 14/02/2022 18:21

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu.

I think when women say FWB, what they usually mean is a man they’d love to be in a relationship with, but who doesn’t admire/like them enough to date them, but he is willing to have affectionless sex with them occasionally, on his timetable, with no commitment, while he looks around for someone better. And the woman puts up with it telling herself she is cool and this is what she wants while secretly hoping he’ll fall in love with her.

I agree with this.

sammylady37 · 14/02/2022 18:25

I have a very successful FWB situation going on. It’s been going on 2.5 years now. We meet every month or so, for a weekend, as we live two hours apart. We have a lot of fun for that weekend, great sex, good food and wine, have a generally lovely time. We get on well but there’s no romantic connection. There’s neither commitment nor a desire for such. We are both also sleeping with others, that’s acknowledged but it’s not an issue for either.

For many reasons, I don’t want a traditional committed relationship. I’d run a mile from that. It’s not me at all and wouldn’t suit my lifestyle. But I do want to have regular sex, with someone who is good in bed, someone I click with, someone I know is safe and not an asshole etc. It works for me.

I can see how it’s not for everyone though and I respect that. It would be nice if those who acknowledged FWBs aren’t for them would show me some respect back and accept that I mean what I say and I’m not secretly pining for more while settling for less than I want.

sammylady37 · 14/02/2022 18:25

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu.

I think when women say FWB, what they usually mean is a man they’d love to be in a relationship with, but who doesn’t admire/like them enough to date them, but he is willing to have affectionless sex with them occasionally, on his timetable, with no commitment, while he looks around for someone better. And the woman puts up with it telling herself she is cool and this is what she wants while secretly hoping he’ll fall in love with her.

I think you should speak for yourself and not women in general.

Intooblivionblackhole · 14/02/2022 18:29

@Houseofvelour

Maybe they're referring to FWB but actually mean fuck buddies? I've had both. FWB should be just normal friends who happen to have sex occasionally. Fuck buddies are people you have no form of relationship with but have each other's numbers so you can meet up for sex but that's it.

Yup, fuck buddies is just sex with nothing else.

I always thought of FWB as those friends you had the occasional night of drunk snogging/shagging with.

grapewine · 14/02/2022 18:43

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu.

I think when women say FWB, what they usually mean is a man they’d love to be in a relationship with, but who doesn’t admire/like them enough to date them, but he is willing to have affectionless sex with them occasionally, on his timetable, with no commitment, while he looks around for someone better. And the woman puts up with it telling herself she is cool and this is what she wants while secretly hoping he’ll fall in love with her.

Is it really that difficult to understand that some of us just want good sex and aren't interested in a relationship or a somebody falling in love? I really don't want a boyfriend or a girlfriend. But I'm quite happy to have a friend, boy or girl, who I have good sex with.

Mojoj · 14/02/2022 18:46

Don't knock it until you've tried it!🤣🤣🤣🤣

Houseofvelour · 14/02/2022 18:50

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu.

I think when women say FWB, what they usually mean is a man they’d love to be in a relationship with, but who doesn’t admire/like them enough to date them, but he is willing to have affectionless sex with them occasionally, on his timetable, with no commitment, while he looks around for someone better. And the woman puts up with it telling herself she is cool and this is what she wants while secretly hoping he’ll fall in love with her.

What a horribly misogynistic view.

TheGreatATuin · 14/02/2022 18:55

What a horribly misogynistic view.

I agree.

grapewine · 14/02/2022 18:58

*not actually boy or girl, obviously. It was a play on boyfriend/girlfriend. In case that gets picked up on, and I also don't like to describe women as girls.

Wreath21 · 14/02/2022 18:58

Everyone wants different things and that's fine. Sometimes what started out as a casual thing goes wrong as someone starts to want more, and that's upsetting but not the end of the world. If it's the thread I'm thinking of then the woman was being a whinyarse and blaming the man (who had been completely upfront all the time about not wanting an exclusive relationship) for 'leading her on'. You are responsible for your own feelings and no one owes you commitment unless they have actually offered it: if they have made it clear that they do not want to commit to you, you have no right to expect it or blame them for not doing it.

AlwaysColdTea · 14/02/2022 18:59

@TheGreatATuin

What a horribly misogynistic view.

I agree.

Me too.

I've always been very clear with my fwbs that it wasn't going to be any more than fwb. And it never has been 🤷🏻‍♀️

Viviennemary · 14/02/2022 19:00

It's a bonkers idea IMHO.

supercali77 · 14/02/2022 20:38

@Wreath21 you just wildly mischaracterised the OP of that thread.

Wreath21 · 14/02/2022 22:03

@Thewindwhispers

Yanbu.

I think when women say FWB, what they usually mean is a man they’d love to be in a relationship with, but who doesn’t admire/like them enough to date them, but he is willing to have affectionless sex with them occasionally, on his timetable, with no commitment, while he looks around for someone better. And the woman puts up with it telling herself she is cool and this is what she wants while secretly hoping he’ll fall in love with her.

Yeah, because all women are desperate whiny losers whose only priority is to Have A Boyfriend, and those of us who just want a bunk-up from time to time because we have other priorities must all be lying to ourselves or something. One of the great advantages of casual sex is that you don't have to spend the time outside of bed feeding the man's ego or picking his shitty pants off the bathroom floor, or always being the one with the less-important career or hobby.

Redland12 · 14/02/2022 22:34

Thewindwhispers. I have several FWB, his timetable? What makes you think they call the shots? I don’t want a relationship and this works perfectly. I don’t want a commitment and it is very affectionate, passionate and bloody exciting. The sex is amazing. It is cool. I’m a sexy young looking 63 year old woman and my FWB are 37 to 45. They are very respectful and HOT! I don’t want to fall in love with them! I’ve been seeing same guys for nearly 2 years so clearly doing something right. What a narrow minded view! Don’t judge. Im having the time of my life! Be respectful to those who have them.

Juliauns91 · 15/02/2022 01:51

@Llandings

There's another thread on here - some poor woman is being regaled by a bunch of the usual headmistressy-so-called-feminists coming out, to berate her - you knew the rules, you broke the rules!!!

Er, what rules would them be?

In the old days, not even that bloody long ago, there were all kinds of relationships - marriage, living together, casual, flings, etc. People negotiated them.

But this completely made up Contract "FWB" that you can't "break" by having expectations, desires, feelings, etc - in fact be being a human being - its completely bizarre. Inhuman in fact.

I was also thinking "Benefits" always came with the worst job advertisements, I noticed, to make up for how essentially boring and rubbish they were. Finallky, a "friend" would never use you for sex as an add-on. And mutually using people for sex is no better.

Sorry, I had to get this "out there"! I'm so sick of hearing FWB. Totally imported from the US. Cynical and inhuman approach.

IMOhSoHO it must be said.

Agree 100%.

This was going on among young women who were lonely and low confidence at university when I was there many years ago, though it was called something else. It always ended in heartbreak - for the woman. Men learn to pick out the women who they can get away with doing this to - or women who they sense see FWB as "empowering". The ,men could have sex and play "friends" or "house" with the women for as long as they want with no commitment at all.

I've been a personal tutor for female students who have been led to believe it is liberating to have sex and "friendship" with no commitment had been destroyed by it. It's so obviously destructive, but there seems to be a new type of feminism that denies there is any difference at all between men and women. It's rubbish. We have gone full circle to Anne Oakley type of feminism that pushed this crap out. They need to learn some basic biology and anthropology.

I now am in a workplace with men - only 5 women and over 100 men. You get to know people really well when you work with them and wow - many of these men are married and have several FWB who don't know and think they are single. They laugh about them and how it saves them a trip to one of the 8 brothels in this town, and how the women cook them a meal for free.

The whole thing is demeaning con-trick.

Redglitter · 15/02/2022 06:05

The whole thing is demeaning con-trick

Rubbish!!

My FWB is a friend who I get on well with, have amazing sex with but have no interest in as a partner. I'm not being conned. I have an arrangement with someone that suits us both.

I really object to the idea that so many people have that either I'm secretly I'm love with him.or I'm being used. Neither is true

I don't know why it's so hard to understand that why some people don't want a relationship they do want sex

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/02/2022 06:39

On the one hand I like that people
Who want to can have casual sex

But this doesn’t work for me as after good sex I always always catch feelings

Also men and women do it wrong as we start with all the texts and it creates false intimacy

It’s a learning curve hey

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2022 06:43

Juliauns91

But then those men aren't those women's friends, are they? So they are not friends with anything. Friends don't treat each other like that. Those are vile men lying to women they've just picked up online or in a pub for no strings sex. And the women are likely hopeful for more. I don't understand women who describe a man they've just met as a fwb. The friendship has to predate the sex. Its not a 'gateway' relationship to something more, its a thing in its own right.

My longest standing fwb was my best friend of several years. I've described above what our relationship was like.

There was no expectation of sex. It was just something we sometimes did. We still saw each other as friends regardless or not of whether sex happened.

I really object to the idea that so many people have that either I'm secretly I'm love with him.or I'm being used. Neither is true

Exactly. I wasn't secretly in love with mine and I'd have been mortified and devastated if he'd developed feelings for me. There was no way I'd have had a romantic relationship with him! Not only that, sex was initiated equally because I am a human being with sexual needs to. I wouldn't ever just 'provide' sex for a man

GreyCarpet · 15/02/2022 06:47

Also men and women do it wrong as we start with all the texts and it creates false intimacy

Again this is a generalisation. My best friend wb and I already texted at length most days. There was already a genuine intimacy there.

We were friends...

Piggyk2 · 15/02/2022 06:55

@Houseofvelour

Maybe they're referring to FWB but actually mean fuck buddies? I've had both. FWB should be just normal friends who happen to have sex occasionally. Fuck buddies are people you have no form of relationship with but have each other's numbers so you can meet up for sex but that's it.

I think there seems to be no difference in today's generation. I'm with OP. It's not really discussed more your expected to agree and be happy...

sammylady37 · 15/02/2022 07:12

@Redglitter

The whole thing is demeaning con-trick

Rubbish!!

My FWB is a friend who I get on well with, have amazing sex with but have no interest in as a partner. I'm not being conned. I have an arrangement with someone that suits us both.

I really object to the idea that so many people have that either I'm secretly I'm love with him.or I'm being used. Neither is true

I don't know why it's so hard to understand that why some people don't want a relationship they do want sex

Some people are unfortunately just so narrow-minded, ignorant and arrogant that they assume their experience is everybody else’s experience. So because their goal in life was to get married, they assume every other woman wants that too, and they think those of us that look at marriage and say ‘fuck that shit, not for me, no way, however I’d quite like hot sex regularly’ are in fact lying to ourselves and them, playing at being ‘cool girls’ and deep down desperately wishing we could find ourselves a husband just like they did. There’s a real smugness in that attitude, not to mention how patronising it is. On how many other topics would strangers loftily proclaim that you’re lying when you say you want/don’t want something?

News flash:
Some women don’t want committed long term relationships
Some women love sex and don’t get emotionally attached to their sexual partners
Some women like casual sex and have found people they can have it it with in a safe, comfortable manner without the risks of repeatedly seeking out strangers for ONSs