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Original poster

To think FWB is a load of old BX

147 replies

Llandings · 13/02/2022 16:23

There's another thread on here - some poor woman is being regaled by a bunch of the usual headmistressy-so-called-feminists coming out, to berate her - you knew the rules, you broke the rules!!!

Er, what rules would them be?

In the old days, not even that bloody long ago, there were all kinds of relationships - marriage, living together, casual, flings, etc. People negotiated them.

But this completely made up Contract "FWB" that you can't "break" by having expectations, desires, feelings, etc - in fact be being a human being - its completely bizarre. Inhuman in fact.

I was also thinking "Benefits" always came with the worst job advertisements, I noticed, to make up for how essentially boring and rubbish they were. Finallky, a "friend" would never use you for sex as an add-on. And mutually using people for sex is no better.

Sorry, I had to get this "out there"! I'm so sick of hearing FWB. Totally imported from the US. Cynical and inhuman approach.

IMOhSoHO it must be said.

OP posts:
user1471453601 · 13/02/2022 20:14

Many years ago I had a fwb. of course I had feelings for him. I thought/ felt he was a really nice person who I was physically (but not emotionally)attracted to.

I think we felt closer when a mutual friend was murdered and he was "helping police" in their enquiries. I never ever doubted he wasn't responsible. He wasnt, the person who did subsequently killed themselves.

He politley, and with great grace, ended out arrangement when he fell in love with someone else. They had two children, and I was very pleased every year, when she sent me a family Xmas card. Maybe she was making a point,maybe she was just being nice. It didn't matter to me.

He died about ten years into their marriage. I was sad, but happy he'd been with the woman he loved in those years.
So, I find it perfectly possible and enjoyable to have sex with a friend. I guess the important thing was that we liked and respected each other. We both knew, with no doubt, that we wouldn't have worked as a long term couple.

Mermaidwaves · 13/02/2022 21:06

I will never do FWB again, I felt terrible the whole time but kidded myself it was liberating and exciting. I hated being a secret and not feeling good enough to be his girlfriend but I stupidly told myself I was cool with it. It didn't feel good when he got with his girlfriend and gave her the status I craved, I kept asking myself what she had that I didn't, it was gut wrenching, never again!

mUserBot9to5 · 14/02/2022 08:50

Couldn't agree more.

The woman is expected to expect less respect than you'd hope to get from a total stranger. If she comes to these boards after a FWB goes bad then she is literally SHAMED for not following the ''rules'' like it can be programmed in that you expect nothing from somebody you're sleeping with.

I do wonder what about the 'F'' part. I wouldn't treat my friends like their feelings didn't matter but in ''F''WB women are expected to just accept with their head hung low that their feelings are immature, unreasonable and need to be instantly suppressed.

Exiledmancguy · 14/02/2022 12:13

Each one to their own but the ambiguity of a FWB scenario has never appealed to me - surely it's human nature that one partner is often more likely to develop feelings and want something more than the other as time goes by and becomes tricky to negotiate. And what are the rules? Is spending the night allowed? Holiday breaks together out of the question? Can they be introduced to good friends?

There's a classic episode of Seinfeld addressing this scenario, called The Deal, where they go into lots of detail on the ground rules, spoiler alert, it starts well and descends into argument.

grapewine · 14/02/2022 12:16

@BuddhaForMary

What actually IS the difference?

Love, I guess. You're in love with the person you're in a relationship with. You're not in love with a fwb, you care about them, but you're not in love with them.

This. And you definitely don't want to be in a relationship with them.

It has worked well for me.

TheGreatATuin · 14/02/2022 12:26

Not RTFT but having sex is not the same as 'using each other for sex'.
It's perfectly possible to have good, respectful and mutually enjoyable sex with someone without 'using' them or being in a traditional relationship.
And yes, FWB situations often go wrong. So do marriages.
FWB relationships aren't the right choice for a lot of people, but for others, myself included, they are.
In my case, I have a full time job, a young child, a good friendship circle and really don't have the time or energy for a full time boyfriend. I've had the same FWB for almost 7 years now and it's worked perfectly. Neither of us want more.
I find it quite unpleasant to be told we're just 'using' each other, just because it wouldn't work for someone else.
If you don't like it, don't do it, but don't judge the rest of us for whom it does.

grapewine · 14/02/2022 13:24

It's perfectly possible to have good, respectful and mutually enjoyable sex with someone without 'using' them or being in a traditional relationship.

👏👏💯

Hdhr8jsj · 14/02/2022 13:27

I don't really get all these terms either. In my head they are all relationships with different teams and conditions.

FB = open relationship
FWB = open relationship

RedCandyApple · 14/02/2022 13:29

FB isn’t an “open relationship” it’s someone you only meet up for sex and don’t speak outside of meeting to for sex, how can anyone think that’s a relationship? Also leaving straight after sex and not spending time together

BahHumbygge · 14/02/2022 13:55

The bottom line question for me is “cui bono” from these arrangements? Invariably it’s men, and women get the shittier end of the stick... pregnancy risk, high risk of STDs, women getting more emotionally attached as we produce more oxytocin in intimate situations. Even if that doesn’t always hold true for individuals, I do think that at a cultural level, casual hook up sex is more harmful for women. I’m no vestal virgin and had a few flings in my time, but it was always too soon than I would have liked, out of an empty sense of hope and ended up getting my heart broken several times . (Apart from the times they turned into a LTBF/DH as they were decent blokes. But there’s no way of knowing that in the beginning. Fairly unscathed, good DH and older and wiser now, but wish I’d known before.

BuddhaForMary · 14/02/2022 14:05

@grapewine

It's perfectly possible to have good, respectful and mutually enjoyable sex with someone without 'using' them or being in a traditional relationship.

👏👏💯

100%
TheReluctantPhoenix · 14/02/2022 14:09

I agree with you, OP.

Sex changes feelings and there are relatively few people who can cycle seamlessly from friendship to sexual relationship.

It doesn’t have one real meaning anyway, meaning anything from ‘fuck buddies’, who don’t like that term to a full on committed relationship for commitment-phobes who prefer not to think of themselves in a relationship.

Houseofvelour · 14/02/2022 15:44

@RedCandyApple

FB isn’t an “open relationship” it’s someone you only meet up for sex and don’t speak outside of meeting to for sex, how can anyone think that’s a relationship? Also leaving straight after sex and not spending time together
Exactly. Years ago I had a FB and I knew nothing about him. I didn't know where he lived or anything (I didn't even have his phone number. We just messaged on Facebook) It was a case of messaging him asking him to come to mine or him messaging me asking if I was busy. We'd have sex and then he'd leave. There was no element of relationship about it 🤷‍♀️
CorrBlimeyGG · 14/02/2022 15:53

Sex changes feelings

It might for you, it doesn't for others.

BuddhaForMary · 14/02/2022 16:03

Honestly on MN I sometimes think the sexual revolution never happened Confused

UserBotLurking9to5 · 14/02/2022 16:10

Its not that @buddhaformary, it's that the revolution suits men more. By all means have a fuck buddy but does he come when you call or is it the other way around?
So often women end up in a situation where they are his booty call and if they call him, they're shamed for being the one to reach out. Shamed for not suppressing their emotions and most of all shamed for not knowing The Rules. The rules seem to be expect nothing. "He" initiates the contact.

9 times out of 10 that seems to be what FWB means if posts on mumsnet are to be believed. And mners are smart right...

UserBotLurking9to5 · 14/02/2022 16:16

@bahhumbygge everything you say is true. Im no vestal virgin either. I probably have learned from my various mistakes and the mindsets I tried to sell myself. I'm certainly not flagellating myself though. What's done is done.

veevee04 · 14/02/2022 16:16

It's not for me, for me to have good sex it starts with emotional intimacy and feeling in love. I've never had good casual sex. I realise it's probably different for others

UserBotLurking9to5 · 14/02/2022 16:18

As forva sexual revolution? Ha ha still waiting for that.

As I read on mn once, one woman said Porn has robbed me of the sex life I wanted. And 999 women seemed to agree with her.

When a man asked me "what's your fantasy?" I used to think "that I'd be enough".

I am still waiting for the sexual revolution.

veevee04 · 14/02/2022 16:19

@UserBotLurking9to5

Its not that *@buddhaformary*, it's that the revolution suits men more. By all means have a fuck buddy but does he come when you call or is it the other way around? So often women end up in a situation where they are his booty call and if they call him, they're shamed for being the one to reach out. Shamed for not suppressing their emotions and most of all shamed for not knowing The Rules. The rules seem to be expect nothing. "He" initiates the contact.

9 times out of 10 that seems to be what FWB means if posts on mumsnet are to be believed. And mners are smart right...

Exactly some seem to believe that FWB is treating the woman like a free prostitute , obviously they are too tight to pay a proper one Men can fuck off with that attitude.
supercali77 · 14/02/2022 16:37

Agreed @UserBotLurking9to5 . I did my fair share of casual things after I left my dds dad, what struck me about some of them was the men simply couldn't manage courtesy and respect as part of it. Shaming womens sexuality still runs deep, consciously and unconsciously.

nothingmorethanthis · 14/02/2022 16:49

There's another thread on here - some poor woman is being regaled by a bunch of the usual headmistressy-so-called-feminists coming out, to berate her - you knew the rules, you broke the rules!!!

I read that thread in entirety. Why on earth do you think the people saying ' you broke the rules' are feminists? Why do you think them saying that is a 'feminist' thing to say? I never interpreted it as that at all.

Feminism is collective action to liberate women from the oppression of patriarchy. How on earth do you see ' You broke the rules of you FWB!' as a statement fitting that?!

Other than that, I agree with the rest of what you say. Such a shame you felt the need to slander feminism to make it.

BuddhaForMary · 14/02/2022 17:22

@UserBotLurking9to5

Its not that *@buddhaformary*, it's that the revolution suits men more. By all means have a fuck buddy but does he come when you call or is it the other way around? So often women end up in a situation where they are his booty call and if they call him, they're shamed for being the one to reach out. Shamed for not suppressing their emotions and most of all shamed for not knowing The Rules. The rules seem to be expect nothing. "He" initiates the contact.

9 times out of 10 that seems to be what FWB means if posts on mumsnet are to be believed. And mners are smart right...

We message each other when either of us is available, sometimes it's me, sometimes it's him. Sometimes we go see a film then end up at mine, some times at his. He's currently working abroad for 12 months but we keep in touch here and there because we're friends. It's perfectly possible for women to be in a fwb and not be a 'booty call', which is most definitely an Americanism.
BuddhaForMary · 14/02/2022 17:24

The rules seem to be expect nothing. "He" initiates the contact.

I'm on another thread where I'm saying women absolutely SHOULD text first. All this sitting on your hands waiting for a man to text is a bit sad imo. If you want to see someone, text them.

GreyCarpet · 14/02/2022 17:35

All this business about using and who calls first and shaming!

You know when you call your friend and ask if they want to go out? Or text to see if they're up for a tip trip this weekend followed by breakfast? Or fancy meeting up on Thursday for an open mic somewhere? Or call to arrange which of you is picking the other up when you go to Go Camping this Saturday? Or they call you to do any of those things too?

You know, being friends with someone...

It looks like that. Only, sometimes, you have sex too.

If anyone is doing anything different to having sex with an actual friend, they don't have a fwb situation.

Don't agree to a fwb if you want more in the hope it'll change.
Don't have fwb if one of you has feelings for the other.
If you're not already friends, then you're not fwb. You're something else.

I get not everyone would do it and I certainly wouldn't have sex with just any of my friends. I have two friends I've have sex with only once because, on both occasions, I decided the chemistry wasn't there afterwards. We are still friends 5 years on. He's one of my closest friends and he's now friends with my boyfriend.

It's not a euphemism for no strings sex.