Fiancée widower's late wife's anniversary

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Background - 10 years since late wife died.
We have been together nearly 5. Moved in together last October. He proposed on Christmas Day. Getting married this summer.

Usually on anniversary I give him space. But now we live together that's going to be hard. He puts their songs on fb, which I always find hard. I can ignore fb but this year I asked him not to, it seems odd to me when we are now engaged. Not that I expect him to forget her. He has always been very good at making me feel like I'm not living in her shadow. We do talk about her sometimes. I just find the songs really hard.

He says he does them for his son, so this year he might just put them on his page. But that still means he is gona be sitting going through the songs & being upset.

Am I wrong to think maybe it's time he stopped this? They will be going to her tree, I expect that. (In fact it's usually me who reminds him to take his son on her birthday, Mother's Day & Christmas).

I don't expect him to forget her & never think about her. I know he loves the memory of her, & now he loves me very much.

I just need advice on how to handle the anniversary, especially as we live together now. I know I can't tell him how to grieve. It's been nearly 16 years since my baby grandson died & I'm never gona stop loving & missing him.

I have a friend who lost her husband just after their daughter was born. She remarried some years later & never does anything to mark her first hubby's anniversary. She thinks it's odd my fiancee still does. I know everyone is different though.

What do others in similar circumstances do?

I don't think you can tell him how and when he can grieve. She was the mother of his child so obviously a huge part of his life. Him grieving on this anniversary doesn't make you less special or loved.

But I do understand how his sadness on this day affects you. I'd suggest going out for the day, but recognise that you shouldn't feel as though you need to leave your home for the day.

It's tricky, but I'm afraid I do feel you're unreasonable if you think he shouldn't want to mark the day after 10 years. There's no time-frame for grief.

But I may be biased. My DM died years ago when I was a tot. Not one bugger ever marks the anniversary of her death. It's as though she never happened and the date is unimportant.

Thank you Gazelda.

I don't think it shouldn't be marked. I think it's the public thing of putting the songs on Facebook mainly. It falls on a weekend this year, so going out for the day is a good idea. Actually about time I caught up with some girlfriends.

I lost my husband 6 years ago. I always put our song on Facebook on his anniversary. It's the only thing I do and it's just because I feel it should be acknowledged.
My current partner is fine with this though. I wouldn't do it if he wasn't.

I know I can't tell him how to grieve

Except that is exactly what you were trying to do when you asked him not to put songs on Facebook and think it's "about time he stopped this"

I think you have to accept this is going to happen and not interfere.

I also do not think you should or can tell him how to grieve or mark her anniversary. It’s his loss, not yours so his choice, not yours. So don’t be telling him no to FB songs, but yes to a day out. And stop reminding him on mother’s days and so on....just stop that. Let him do as much of as little as he wants on whatever days he thinks appropriate.

I don’t think putting their songs on FB once a year on the anniversary is weird or over the top in any way, no matter how long it has been or the fact you are now living together.

I think you need to take a step back and not just give him space, but stop trying to manage it to be him expressing grief in a way and on the days that suit you.

You can't tell him how to grieve, but you don't have to be on board with it either. It's perfectly ok to have your own boundaries. I don't think I'd be marrying a man who is still doing this ten years on. I wouldn't feel confident that he is ready for marriage again.

I think unless you've lived his particular grief, you can't really comment on what he should do. This is clearly what he needs to do. Being in a relationship with a widower must be extremely difficult as he didn't choose to be separated from his wife. Time will probably lessen how he chooses to mark it. My dad died 26 years ago. My mum and I simply text each other on the day now and keep him in our thoughts, but it doesn't mean we don't do or think about other things too.

This is how he deals with his grief.

I would argue that its more important for him to do this year as his son may be feeling his mum has been replaced by you now you're getting married.

Its a few songs once a year,would you rather he hid his grief from you? Pretended she didn't exist?

You are the one that needs to find a way to deal with this, rather than forcing him to hide his feelings and grieve differently for your benefit.

How old are you both, OP? How old is his son?

I think it’s a bit odd you’re not supportive of him remembering her, imo.

She’s dead op, it would be wrong to feel jealous or insecure about his loss.

Being engaged to/married to you doesn’t make his past go away or his grief end.

It’s life long. If you can’t accept that I don’t know why you’re bothering?

This isn't about you.

I would argue that its more important for him to do this year as his son may be feeling his mum has been replaced by you now you're getting married

I agree with this. What is it that you feel? Rejection? I think if he just remembers her and shares that with her family & friends plus their son it's appropriate. He isn't saying he doesn't live you but just remembering her.

If it was everyday then I'd understand you feeling uncomfortable but once a year, you need to learn how to handle it.

I think it's the public thing of putting the songs on Facebook mainly

Is it the idea of other people seeing it that you don't like, as in you're worried they might think he's not fully committed to you? I don't think it's something you need to worry about, but if it really bothers you I think it would be ok to ask if he'd mind sending them to his son privately instead, because if it turned out both of them were fine with that it would be a straightforward resolution. But equally he might feel that sharing them publicly is important to him and in that case it would be totally unreasonable of you to insist.

Thank you for the positive and helpful responses.

I did ask how others in a similar position cope. And I think if you havent been in a relationship with a widower you can't really know how you will feel. Also, people can't help how they feel - it's how you act on those feelings which we can control.

So I guess I was wrong to ask him not to put their songs on fb. Maybe if he puts them on he can block me from having to see.. as it is just a reminder that if she hadn't passed away they would still be married. But then I'd never have met him. Or I just stay off Facebook next weekend, it's my insecurity for me to deal with.

Im 53, he's 58. His son is 15. My daughter we live with is 13. And I have grown up kids too.

I hadn't actually thought about it being more important for his son this year. That's a very good point. My daughter will be at her dad's & I'll find somewhere to go, so my fiancee & his son can do what they need to do.

To answer some other questions...

He is ready to marry again.

And I bother because he's the best thing that ever happened to me (after my kids).

Let him do whatever he wants to do - you can’t manage his grief for him and he will feel worse if he has to hide his feelings for your sake.

I agree that expecting him to stop his public grieving ritual because you're now engaged would be very indelicate, and unsettling for his son. There's a pattern of men "moving on" from the children of their first marriage when they find a new partner: this is concerning enough for adult offspring let alone ones who are still children.

Ten years is a special anniversary, and his son is now 15 so more meaningful this year. Your idea to ignore fb this year and go out for the day leaving him and his DS to remember their sadly departed wife / mum together is a good one.

I'm betting next year when you're married it will be different.

If he is still grieving (and he is your fiancé as he's a bloke, not fianceé) he shouldn't be engaged to anyone yet. He should have passed that particular baton to his son.

His son is only 15, I think you need to remind yourself of that. Let him have his songs on Facebook, it really is no skin off your nose one day a year, and for what it’s worth stop listening to your friend telling you how your fiancé and his bereaved son should be feeling. And as others have said 10 years is a bit of a landmark anniversary.

I married a man whose previous partner died. Different scenario, though as they had only been together a few years and no kids. I totally understand how him sharing his grief on FB so publicly would feel uncomfortable for you. I used to hate the grave visits on anniversaries and birthdays.

However, I also agree that it may be extra important for the son this year and my advice would be not to take issue about this, and that he will stop doing this of his own accord before long (whereas if you make a “thing” of it then it makes it into a bone of contention) One thing that really helped me was to frame it as “ I feel lucky that I am here with him and will still be here tomorrow. It’s just a day”

Deffo good to go out for the day yourself and be quite blithe about it as in “I know Day X is an important day for you and DS, I will be back in the evening (or whenever)” See it as smoothing the way in the relationship between you and DS.

It's 10 years since my husband died next month. I'm getting married in may. Been together 3.5 years. Lived together since lockdown.

My children and I are having an early breakfast then will visit where his ashes are then go on our way. My daughter is going to a hen do and I told her she had to go. I will quietly contemplate the fact it has been 10 years.

Whilst I accept the grieving I do not think it is right to do it in front of someone you are about to marry. Someone once told me with grief that you learn to live beside it. It's so true. I can still cry but I am so happy with my new partner I couldn't share that with him.

His ds was only 5 when his dm died. At 15 he needs his dad more than ever.
I think this year let it go.
As the ds gets older and more independent things will change naturally.