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Original poster

Fiancée widower's late wife's anniversary

135 replies

HelpIcantfindaname · 13/02/2022 11:24

Background - 10 years since late wife died.
We have been together nearly 5. Moved in together last October. He proposed on Christmas Day. Getting married this summer.

Usually on anniversary I give him space. But now we live together that's going to be hard. He puts their songs on fb, which I always find hard. I can ignore fb but this year I asked him not to, it seems odd to me when we are now engaged. Not that I expect him to forget her. He has always been very good at making me feel like I'm not living in her shadow. We do talk about her sometimes. I just find the songs really hard.

He says he does them for his son, so this year he might just put them on his page. But that still means he is gona be sitting going through the songs & being upset.

Am I wrong to think maybe it's time he stopped this? They will be going to her tree, I expect that. (In fact it's usually me who reminds him to take his son on her birthday, Mother's Day & Christmas).

I don't expect him to forget her & never think about her. I know he loves the memory of her, & now he loves me very much.

I just need advice on how to handle the anniversary, especially as we live together now. I know I can't tell him how to grieve. It's been nearly 16 years since my baby grandson died & I'm never gona stop loving & missing him.

I have a friend who lost her husband just after their daughter was born. She remarried some years later & never does anything to mark her first hubby's anniversary. She thinks it's odd my fiancee still does. I know everyone is different though.

What do others in similar circumstances do?

OP posts:
T00Ts · 13/02/2022 16:37

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.
it makes him look like a total wally

Ironic. And also really, really ignorant.

Ginger1982 · 13/02/2022 16:39

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.
I think there's only one wally here...
LeifSan · 13/02/2022 16:48

I really don’t think it’s a big deal he puts a song up on Facebook. For a start, if you don’t want to see it you can just avoid FB for a few days. Seems like something has changed for you now you’re engaged, like you feel this should mean a change in how he marks this anniversary.

Is it some sort of fear or insecurity that you will be seen as somehow second best or something?

FWIW I think it’s quite lovely to put up a special song once a year, and people can share memories on the page, reflect and grieve, like a little memorial place. Especially nice for your step son, and more important than ever i’d say this year due to the double factors of it being ten years and his dad having got engaged again.

Daenerys77 · 13/02/2022 16:58

People create their own rituals to deal with grief. This is a ritual your partner has created for himself and his son. I think you need to accommodate it. Going out for the day sounds sensible and tactful. And you probably already know this, but getting into any form of competition with a dead person is unlikely to end well.

Summerfun54321 · 13/02/2022 17:05

Being very blunt I think you asking him to restrict his grief for his late wife says more about your insecurities than it does about him. She’s dead, they aren’t going to get back together, his love for her doesn’t impact you.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 13/02/2022 17:11

I was widowed young and I have to say my DH now has been so supportive and wonderful-I would not have been able to commit to someone who wasn't.

There is no timeline for grief-I was having a bad day and my Now DH said that my first DH will always be a part of me and made me who I am today so he embraces it

I always post on his birthday etc-it has been many many years but I feel like I don't want him to be forgotten and it comforts him Mum when people put lovely memories-I would think it is the same for your DP's son

saraclara · 13/02/2022 17:17

I always post on his birthday etc-it has been many many years but I feel like I don't want him to be forgotten and it comforts him Mum when people put lovely memories-I would think it is the same for your DP's son

Exactly. He's not the only one who grieved when she died. Presumably there are her family members who still grieve her, and I'm sure it means a lot to them that your fiance still remembers with them, OP.

Original poster
HelpIcantfindaname · 13/02/2022 17:30

@Fcuk38

It’s a song - you sound jealous. There’s nothing us widowers despise more someone being jealous of our dead husband/ wives. I also note you say you know he loves the memory of her, but when you refer to your grandson you say you still love him. He still loves his wife too, not the memory.
Those are his words, he said he loves 'the memory of her'. It's not something I've said
OP posts:
Blanca87 · 13/02/2022 17:39

Derailment here but where does his 15 year old son live? it read that your daughter lives with you both but what about his son?

Teawaster · 13/02/2022 18:35

It's my DH's anniversary today . He died 5 years ago. I always put up a photo on FB and a few words sometimes about the photo or the fact that I am sad he missed out on so much of his DS's lives . I was in a relationship for a while and was more conscious about what I put up , although I always put something up like I described .
I wouldn't have posted songs as that would have been too personal for me , but each to their own . I do get that listening to 'their' songs , even if it's one day a year could be upsetting and I think remembering in a less public way after that length of time would be preferable.
I post on FB because I like to remind people of my DH , particularly friends of his , who wouldn't always comment or like my posts , but they always do to those particular posts .My boys always like that I still treasure their Dads memory and even though they are a lot older now , it's important for them to remember us as a family unit.

Honeyroar · 13/02/2022 19:32

I think it’s quite awful to expect him to shelve all memories of his late wife because he’s marrying someone else. You’re jealous of someone who is dead and can’t compete! It doesn’t mean he hasn’t moved on or that he doesn’t love you. He has. He does. I bet he posts lots of things about you on Facebook and everyone knows he loves you. Your paranoia that he’d be with her if she was still alive, not you, is pointless. He’s not with her, she’s dead. But to celebrate the past and memories is not a bad thing.

That said, I have a friend whose husband died four years ago and she regularly posts about him being the love of her life etc, ie, at Xmas, his birthday, their wedding anniversary, the anniversary of his death. I always feel a little awkward for her current boyfriend, who now lives with her. I do think her late husband absolutely was the love of her life, they were so close, but I don’t think it’s fair to regularly “rub her boyfriend’s nose in it” by actually saying it! A song once a year is more understandable.

SunflowerTed · 13/02/2022 20:24

As one woman to another I have a lot of sadness for my husbands late wife who didn’t get to see past her sons babyhood. I want her remembered in my house - she was a lovely woman (and I’m not a martyr). I know how much my Husband adores me. I’m not in competition with her

BatshitCrazyWoman · 13/02/2022 20:26

OP I understand how you feel. I am also dating a widower. It's the public nature of social media which makes it quite uncomfortable for the girlfriend/wife of a former widower.

It's not about jealousy at all!

There's a private Facebook group people dating/married to someone who's previous partner died, I can PM you the details if you're interested?

Moonface123 · 13/02/2022 20:46

This is exactly why as a widow of ten years l have stayed on my own, nobody tells me how l should act , grieve, etc because it makes them feel more comfortable, especially those who havent lost their spouse, death is the end of a life , not a relationship.
Whenever l have dated men they have always ruined it by being jealous, competative and insecure, it is incredibly wearing and off putting.
Its probably quite nice for his son and her parents, relatives and friends to see she is still remembered, try seeing the bigger picture.

didthosefeetinancienttimes · 13/02/2022 20:46

There has to be some making room on both your parts. If you talk to him about your feelings, and are honest with yourself about why it makes you feel so uncomfortable, and he talks about why it is important, perhaps you can understand each other better and make your peace with it?
I am a widow and when my husband had been dead for ten years (five years ago), I had a celebration of his life (a small one with some nice food, he loved food and cooking) with his sister and some other people who knew and loved him. My children and I remember him, talk about him and share memories regularly, as I do with his siblings, and with his friends. My children are now in their 20s, but when she was younger my daughter found any mention of him painful and didn't want to know about any anniversaries, or acknowledge them. Now she very much wants to talk about him and see photographs and mark anniversaries. My son reacted differently. It's a big loss for a child and their grief will ebb and flow throughout their lives, and they need support in dealing with it. Perhaps your fiance knows his son likes his mum being acknowledged publicly on Facebook and that's why he continues to do it?
I have a new partner I love very much and he is very mellow about me being a widow, I would find it very hard if he wasn't. I try in turn to be understanding about his baggage, we all have it.

DeeCeeCherry · 13/02/2022 20:48

DP is a widower, his wife died 11 years before we met.

He marks the anniversary of her death every year. Including photo of her on his FB and some kind words.

I absolutely do not mind and neither do I interfere. He is commemorating a woman who was part of his life, is the mother of their son, and sadly passed away. I think its nice for their son to see, also her relatives.

I couldnt be so self-absorbed and insecure as to do the 'well Im here now so forget her' thing.

After all we are here, and together.

didthosefeetinancienttimes · 13/02/2022 20:49

@AngelinaFibres I thought that was a very wise post

Cas112 · 13/02/2022 20:54

I'm sorry but you shouldn't be telling him what not to do regarding this, it's totally insensitive

RantyAunty · 13/02/2022 20:55

I do it too for my first DH.
It's just a lovely memorial for a day.

Stay off fb for the day, if it bothers you.
I doubt you'd want to be with someone who callously dismissed her like nothing.
You have the knowledge of how deeply he loves you.

Teawaster · 13/02/2022 21:30

Nobody is suggesting that the OP would want her fiancé to callously dismiss his late wife . She is simply pointing out that it upsets her to still see songs that they shared together on a public forum . There is something very personal about that . Music is very powerful and I get more upset if I hear particular songs that remind me of my late DH more than anything . They make me miss him more and they make me feel sad . I can understand the OP feeling a bit upset at that , despite knowing that she is loved . It possibly feels like he is dragging up the past in a public way that seems unnecessary to her at this stage and because he is in a new relationship

Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2022 23:44

I think it’s quite awful to expect him to shelve all memories of his late wife because he’s marrying someone else.

Literally not a single person who's replied to this thread has insinuated this. 🙄

ludocris · 13/02/2022 23:52

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.
What a dick comment
Magda72 · 14/02/2022 00:01

*OP I understand how you feel. I am also dating a widower. It's the public nature of social media which makes it quite uncomfortable for the girlfriend/wife of a former widower.

It's not about jealousy at all!*

I totally agree with this.
I'm sorry but I personally think that sort of ongoing public grieving becomes a tie to bind people. As the years go on the grieving doesn't lessen but as a pp said you learn to live along side it but forcing it out into the social media public forces everyone to still grieve 'loudly' which after 10 years will seem inappropriate to some people/friends/family.
I absolutely think that this man and his son should spend the day together remembering her but I think having proposed to op this very public display of remembrance is quite inappropriate & I think op is well within her rights to say it makes her uncomfortable.

Magda72 · 14/02/2022 00:05

He marks the anniversary of her death every year. Including photo of her on his FB and some kind words.

This I think is tasteful & respectful.
But as someone else just remarked songs/music are very personal & in doing this the op's dp is not just remembering his wife he's putting the intimacy of their relationship out into a public forum 10 years later & I think that is inappropriate and disrespectful to op to whom he has proposed.

ambushedbywine · 14/02/2022 00:51

This will never stop or go away and he should be allowed to grieve for her whilst living and celebrating you.

I have a friend whose child died, she puts a post up every year and has a ritual of what she does that day. She has a child born after her child died who wouldn’t have been born if her son hadn’t died. She adores this younger child, celebrates on his birthday etc. No one would think that she should mourn the older child for fear of seeming insensitive to the younger child. She is able to love both children. I’m not sure if it’s a helpful analogy, but I think you need to make your peace with the fact he will be in mourning for her forever and he loves and wants to live the rest of his life with you. Those things can both be true.

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