Fiancée widower's late wife's anniversary

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Background - 10 years since late wife died.
We have been together nearly 5. Moved in together last October. He proposed on Christmas Day. Getting married this summer.

Usually on anniversary I give him space. But now we live together that's going to be hard. He puts their songs on fb, which I always find hard. I can ignore fb but this year I asked him not to, it seems odd to me when we are now engaged. Not that I expect him to forget her. He has always been very good at making me feel like I'm not living in her shadow. We do talk about her sometimes. I just find the songs really hard.

He says he does them for his son, so this year he might just put them on his page. But that still means he is gona be sitting going through the songs & being upset.

Am I wrong to think maybe it's time he stopped this? They will be going to her tree, I expect that. (In fact it's usually me who reminds him to take his son on her birthday, Mother's Day & Christmas).

I don't expect him to forget her & never think about her. I know he loves the memory of her, & now he loves me very much.

I just need advice on how to handle the anniversary, especially as we live together now. I know I can't tell him how to grieve. It's been nearly 16 years since my baby grandson died & I'm never gona stop loving & missing him.

I have a friend who lost her husband just after their daughter was born. She remarried some years later & never does anything to mark her first hubby's anniversary. She thinks it's odd my fiancee still does. I know everyone is different though.

What do others in similar circumstances do?

I don’t think you can tell him how to grieve

@Jeyesfluid

It's not the doing - it is the how.

We don't get to dictate how other people grieve 🤨

And you don't get to dictate how others feel about it so OP's post is as valid as anyone else's viewpoint.

And you don't get to dictate how others feel about it so OP's post is as valid as anyone else's viewpoint.

You're right. I don't get to dictate how they feel. If a new partner wanted to dictate how they think my grief for my late partner should look, I'd just leave them instead. That's valid too.

I also don't get what's disrespectful either about sharing songs. He's not listening to them alone in a room, pining away- he's sharing them so his son gets to share them too, and others, it's not a private romantic act. So what if it was?

The loveliest thing ever was the wedding notice of a family friend who remarried after the death of her husband which read that they could only enjoy the happiness they did today thanks to their previous spouses who were named in the order of service. You cannot be who you are if you have to press down and deny the past.

I'm fine though with people having loved others prior to me, once you get to my age, it's extremely unlikely you are the first one they ever loved and the only one they ever think about, but I'm fine with that. Many people have someone that 'got away', or a wife that ran off with someone else, or are widowed by our fifties. If they occasionally played a song and felt wistful or even cried, fine by me, as long as they aren't building a shrine to them or anything.

It's not disrespectful to the op for him to mourn the mother of his child . Nobody said that . He presumably will always regret that they didn't have a long life together . It's the fact that he has chosen to enter a new relationship and has chosen to remarry . Its his responsibility to take his future wife's feelings into consideration and to manage his grief in an appropriate private way. In my view he has a responsibility to his DC to honour his mums memory but the memories of the romantic relationship that he had with his late wife should not be displayed on FB , out of respect to his fiancé.
When I was in a relationship after I lost my DH , the photos I put on FB on his anniversary were those of my DS's and their Dad . I wouldn't have thought it appropriate to hurt my new partners feelings by putting romantic photos or songs there . Now that I'm no longer in a relationship , I don't feel the need to protect anyone , although I don't share much anyway , but that's a personal choice.

Its his responsibility to take his future wife's feelings into consideration and to manage his grief in an appropriate private way.

The op knew the situation, he never hid his way of expressing his grief, why doesn't the op have to manage her feelings in an appropriate way by keeping quiet for one day a year?

Its not like he's expressing romantic feelings for an ex, he is mourning the loss of the mother of his child.

He doesn't need to mourn the loss of the mother of his child by posting romantic songs that meant something to presumably just them.There are other ways to mourn the loss of the mother of his child , which would focus on the mother/child /family dynamic in a less public way . Of course the OP knew his situation when she met him but I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect the way he expresses his grief in public to change as his relationship with the OP develops and becomes more serious .

You're right. I don't get to dictate how they feel. If a new partner wanted to dictate how they think my grief for my late partner should look, I'd just leave them instead. That's valid too.
And would be a pretty clear indication that you were not ready to move on.
Being ready & willing to move on means listening to what your partner is saying.
Op is not dictating anything & there is a slew of people on here not actually taking on board what she said & are projecting there own stuff onto here.

And would be a pretty clear indication that you were not ready to move on.

No it's not. To you it is. But that's your opinion.

Being ready & willing to move on means listening to what your partner is saying.

He can listen and disagree with her. There's no obligation to only do what you new partner approves of.

Op is not dictating anything & there is a slew of people on here not actually taking on board what she said & are projecting there own stuff onto here.

Again, I disagree. I could just as easily say you are projecting your own stuff by trying dictate what moving on means.

He doesn't need to mourn the loss of the mother of his child by posting romantic songs that meant something to presumably justthem

Why not? He's mourning his own loss too. Is he not supposed to acknowledge that at all because he's getting married now?

@Magda72

You're right. I don't get to dictate how they feel. If a new partner wanted to dictate how they think my grief for my late partner should look, I'd just leave them instead. That's valid too. And would be a pretty clear indication that you were not ready to move on. Being ready & willing to move on means listening to what your partner is saying. Op is not dictating anything & there is a slew of people on here not actually taking on board what she said & are projecting there own stuff onto here.

Being ready and willing to move on does not mean people should be willing to bury their grief because a new partner says that's what they are like.

But to your mind, unless I accept that I'm not allowed to grieve for my late partner in the way that my new partner deems suitable, then I'm not ready to move on?

If my new partner put restrictions on how they felt I should be allowed to grieve on key anniversaries, then they would not be the right partner for me.

Fortunately my new partner is not a controlling arsehole. And yes, I was / am very ready to move on with him. Because he's not so insecure in himself that he feels he needs to control how I demonstrate my grief.

This is not aimed particularly at the op. But in response to some of the particularly unpleasant posts here.

I just think some have the emotional tool kit to date a widow and some dont.

Those that dont should stay well away - saves all the angst around photos/fb etc

Op has said that there is ONE aspect of his grieving that she is uncomfortable with especially now that they are to be married.
She has not said he shouldn't grieve.
She has not said he can't grieve.
She is not dictating anything.
She is expressing discomfort at ONE thing.
And I cannot fathom why all the expectation is on her. The same attitude exists here as on the step parenting board whereby the new partner is a relationship is supposed to walk if they query any behaviour that makes them uncomfortable. There is never any onus on the person who has chosen to move on to make any effort to adjust their behaviours for their new partner.
This man did not get engaged in a vacuum - he CHOSE to - and as a couple they now have an onus to prioritise each other's feelings/wants/needs.
Him & his grief are not the only things in this relationship!

@Otterhound

I just think some have the emotional tool kit to date a widow and some dont.

Those that dont should stay well away - saves all the angst around photos/fb etc

Totally agree with this.

@Magda72

Op has said that there is ONE aspect of his grieving that she is uncomfortable with especially now that they are to be married. She has not said he shouldn't grieve. She has not said he can't grieve. She is not dictating anything. She is expressing discomfort at ONE thing. And I cannot fathom why all the expectation is on her. The same attitude exists here as on the step parenting board whereby the new partner is a relationship is supposed to walk if they query any behaviour that makes them uncomfortable. There is never any onus on the person who has chosen to move on to make any effort to adjust their behaviours for their new partner. This man did not get engaged in a vacuum - he CHOSE to - and as a couple they now have an onus to prioritise each other's feelings/wants/needs. Him & his grief are not the only things in this relationship!

Exactly.

Its one thing. Op chose a relationship with someone who last relationship didn't come to a natural end. It ended while, most probably, the 2 people involved were still in a living relationship. If the wife had not died, in all liklihood, he would still be with her.

I get that must be hard. Op said its ONE thing she doesn't like. That he goes out of his way to make sure she doesn't feel she is living in her shadow.

Being with a widow/widower is very complex. But there's literally one thing op is uncomfortable with, one thing.

Just like you think he should have to prioritise her feelings over his own, surely she could prioritise his feelings over her own?

It works both ways, surely?

@Magda72

Op has said that there is ONE aspect of his grieving that she is uncomfortable with especially now that they are to be married. She has not said he shouldn't grieve. She has not said he can't grieve. She is not dictating anything. She is expressing discomfort at ONE thing. And I cannot fathom why all the expectation is on her. The same attitude exists here as on the step parenting board whereby the new partner is a relationship is supposed to walk if they query any behaviour that makes them uncomfortable. There is never any onus on the person who has chosen to move on to make any effort to adjust their behaviours for their new partner. This man did not get engaged in a vacuum - he CHOSE to - and as a couple they now have an onus to prioritise each other's feelings/wants/needs. Him & his grief are not the only things in this relationship!

There are only 2 things that he does, going to her tree and posting songs. He is also willing to compromise by putting the songs on his sons page. The issue, as the op says is him listening to songs and getting upset. She doesn't want a man who has been widowed and left to bring his young son up alone to listen to songs and be upset about his late wife for one day of the year, and you think that's reasonable.

Is he supposed to shrug and say "fuck it I'm getting married again, I won't be upset anymore"

Of course is does & it sounds (to me) like op is very understanding & 'gets' that grief is not something that can be placed aside.
But the man in this scenario also has an obligation to op to ensure that his grief does not become the 3rd 'person' in their marriage.
If she came on and said any other thing was making her uncomfortable she'd he told he should be open to compromise & that there's two people in the relationship.
However it seems the one area women are absolutely not allowed to express discomfort with is the behaviour of partners who have had first wives (be they divorced or widowed) and children. In these instances the woman is expected to sit back and never expect compromise or dialogue from her partner because the most important thing is that the 'first family' is kept more important and foremost in everyone's minds.

@Magda72

Of course is does & it sounds (to me) like op is very understanding & 'gets' that grief is not something that can be placed aside. But the man in this scenario also has an obligation to op to ensure that his grief does not become the 3rd 'person' in their marriage. If she came on and said any other thing was making her uncomfortable she'd he told he should be open to compromise & that there's two people in the relationship. However it seems the one area women are absolutely not allowed to express discomfort with is the behaviour of partners who have had first wives (be they divorced or widowed) and children. In these instances the woman is expected to sit back and never expect compromise or dialogue from her partner because the most important thing is that the 'first family' is kept more important and foremost in everyone's minds.

He offered a compromise of posting on his sons page only. Op is the one who doesn't want him listening to songs and getting sad at all. How is he supposed to compromise that? He can't switch off being sad.

I don't think the grief is a third person because he gets sad one day of the year either.

How’s it anything like the third person in the relationship? Once a year he puts some songs on his Facebook page to commemorate his late wife. As far as I can see, OP hasn’t even said if they’re romantic songs but people have assumed they are.

He was married before and that person is the mother of his kids, to be honest I think I’d take it as a sign that he’s a respectful and loving man that he is still honouring with that.

That's not true though. The first family is important. It's not one that the widow / widower walked away from. It's something that was taken. It doesn't mean the new relationship isn't important. Of course it absolutely is. But being widowed is not like a divorce. It's not a competition with a previous partner is it. It is complex. And I get how some people perhaps shouldn't get into a relationship with a widow if they can't handle it.

And it's not just about men. Women are widowed too. There are more young female widows than male. And I wouldn't expect a new partner, male or female, to dictate how someone grieves, particularly on one day of the year. If my new male partner expressed some of the views shown on this thread around how people should be allowed to grieve, they wouldn't be a partner anymore anyway.

But the man in this scenario also has an obligation to op to ensure that his grief does not become the 3rd 'person' in their marriage.

And apart from one day, op says he does. And it's mainly just a FB post. She has no obligation to understand that one FB post a year, is not a third in the marriage and that this is what he feels he needs to do? She doesn't have to show understanding.

Again, all the stuff about the first wife vs the second and 'MNs' views on things, appears to be projecting. I am a first wife and second and a step parent.

Your presumption that people are posting with one POV because you say so, is incorrect.

Well different strokes for different folks. But I would think that if I was in the same position as this man once I had decided to move on and remarry then I would choose to make my grief a more private thing out of respect for my future spouse.
Yes, I would keep grieving & remembering (& I would expect my spouse to understand that) but I would feel in myself that it was now time to grieve & remember in a no less meaningful, but different, way.

@Magda72

Well different strokes for different folks. But I would think that if I was in the same position as this man once I had decided to move on and remarry then I would choose to make my grief a more private thing out of respect for my future spouse. Yes, I would keep grieving & remembering (& I would expect my spouse to understand that) but I would feel in myself that it was now time to grieve & remember in a no less meaningful, but different, way.

But no one cam explain how its disrespect to the new partner?

Its not about the new partner at all. This man keeps it to a minimum. He has compromised. Makes an effort to ensure op feels comfortable every other day of the year. But he has to give this one thing up or its disrespectful. That IS trying to dictate to him.

[quote ABCeasyasdohrayme]@Abigail12345654321 why don't you go onto the bereavement board and tell people they are attention seeking?

I might even see you there because I post regularly about my son and daughter.

Its been well over a decade since they both died so past your arbitrary time limit on grief.

Why are you so disgusted by people seeking support for something traumatic? Why are you so horrified that people might want to talk about their deceased loved ones? Why shouldn't someone struggling one day a year share that with people they are close to?

I bet you're just a joy to be around irl if someone doesn't feel or act the same way as you.

Judging someone else's grief is pretty low, maybe you don't care or have empathy, thankfully lots of us do.[/quote]
But the bereavement boards are anonymous - so that is totally different. And social media that is private - WhatsApp or whatever - is also different as you are sharing with a defined group. What I can’t fathom is people posting on widely available social media that anyone can view. And those that do so must do it for a reason - I’m sure there is more than one reason. It’s not a behaviour that makes sense to me. And I can completely understand why the Op finds it difficult.

I also agree that grief never leaves you. It’s something you carry with you for life.

I just don’t understand the need to put it on Facebook! Maybe it’s just today’s equivalent of putting an anniversary notice in the newspaper.