Fiancée widower's late wife's anniversary

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Background - 10 years since late wife died.
We have been together nearly 5. Moved in together last October. He proposed on Christmas Day. Getting married this summer.

Usually on anniversary I give him space. But now we live together that's going to be hard. He puts their songs on fb, which I always find hard. I can ignore fb but this year I asked him not to, it seems odd to me when we are now engaged. Not that I expect him to forget her. He has always been very good at making me feel like I'm not living in her shadow. We do talk about her sometimes. I just find the songs really hard.

He says he does them for his son, so this year he might just put them on his page. But that still means he is gona be sitting going through the songs & being upset.

Am I wrong to think maybe it's time he stopped this? They will be going to her tree, I expect that. (In fact it's usually me who reminds him to take his son on her birthday, Mother's Day & Christmas).

I don't expect him to forget her & never think about her. I know he loves the memory of her, & now he loves me very much.

I just need advice on how to handle the anniversary, especially as we live together now. I know I can't tell him how to grieve. It's been nearly 16 years since my baby grandson died & I'm never gona stop loving & missing him.

I have a friend who lost her husband just after their daughter was born. She remarried some years later & never does anything to mark her first hubby's anniversary. She thinks it's odd my fiancee still does. I know everyone is different though.

What do others in similar circumstances do?

Putting it on Facebook is a space for people to share their thoughts and memories about the person, and other people can also share and pay their respects if they want. And it's more than reasonable to do so.

@Jeyesfluid

Putting it on Facebook is a space for people to share their thoughts and memories about the person, and other people can also share and pay their respects if they want. And it's more than reasonable to do so.

Maybe you’re right. I don’t use social Facebook any more but when I did many years ago it seemed to be dominated by ‘you ok, hun?’ and ‘aw, so sad’ messages in response to any post about loss or grief (or stubbing your toe frankly) and it seemed those posting the messages seemed to embrace all the responses and need them. Maybe it’s changed over time or maybe ‘early adopters’ were a certain type.

I stand corrected!

I have two friends who met on a widowers group.

My friend lost his wife suddenly and wad left with 3 children to raise, he joined this group for support.

There he met a woman who had two girls and who had nursed her husband through illness.

They got on well and married.

Every year on the anniversary of either partners death they both post tributes to them. He posts photos of his late wife with their children when they were young. She does the same as their girls were really toddlers when he passed away.

I think it's respectful of them just, they get on so well but they're both aware that had these tragedies not occurred, they'd still be happily married to their first spouses.

It isn't attention-seeking to, once a year, allow everyone that knew the person to remember them. My children read the messages that people write, remembering their dad. It means a lot to them that people reach out to us around the anniversary, that he mattered, and is missed.

Personally, I wouldn't post if it were up to me alone. I don't need to for myself. I'm doing it for others, to provide them a space to remember, like his mum, like his children. Once a year is not very often to do this, especially as the child will have been 5 years old at the time when this started.

Exactly that. The anniversary itself doesn't actually mean much to me. As I mentioned earlier, time had no meaning when I was nursing my late DH. I only know when it is because my DD puts something on FB every year. So I just put up my favourite photo of him once I realise, as it seems nice to remember him, and for his friends and family to have somewhere to put their memories.

Allowing one's spouse or partner a single day to publically remember the spouse who died, seems the least one can do. Especially when there's a child involved.

Maybe it’s just today’s equivalent of putting an anniversary notice in the newspaper.

I think that's almost exactly what it is.

The responses when I and my DD put up a photo of my DH are far from 'hun' banality. They're people who loved him or were his friends, and they simply say things like 'miss him still' or 'He was such a good man' (and he was). It's nice for me to know that people miss him and valued him as a friend.

@saraclara

Maybe it’s just today’s equivalent of putting an anniversary notice in the newspaper.

I think that's almost exactly what it is.

The responses when I and my DD put up a photo of my DH are far from 'hun' banality. They're people who loved him or were his friends, and they simply say things like 'miss him still' or 'He was such a good man' (and he was). It's nice for me to know that people miss him and valued him as a friend.

In Ireland they have rip.ie and everyone has a book of condolence - it’s nice to be able to read back the messages years later.

Perhaps my view was skewed by seeing the small numbers of people initially doing it before it was ‘normalised’ - definitely felt very Look At Me, and not at all respectful of the dead. But it was a long time ago. The world changes. I tend not to use much social media!

It must be difficult for all & like you said you can’t tell someone how to grieve.

We have a close friend who lost his wife 10 years ago, as close group of friends we all remember her each in our own way - but we do try to come together either a walk by the beach nothing over the top just an acknowledgment the weekend around the anniversary.

He’s been with his lovely partner for 5/6 years now & for all the other friendship group activities she is always there (& welcome) as part of the wider group. She though is never there for remember walk - she is very respectful of her partner needing that day. She is also secure in her relationship with him and I hope our friendship with us. Some people still share FB memories as well.

She does take herself away for the weekend/day gives her partner and his girls the space to remember the anniversary in their own way.

It's just one day or so at the end of the day. It doesn't really do you any harm compared to the magnitude of what he and his son endured.

That they had a son together makes it different too. If he were to completely forget to commemorate his son's mum then that'd be hurtful to his son.

The Facebook thing is so everyone knows that he hasn't just forgotten her and got on with his life, he did love her. There are probably some relatives (including his son) on there, who wouldn't like to think it was as if his first wife never existed to him.

*some relatives and mutual friends/friends of hers on there.

I think it was the Egyptians who said, you die twice. Once when you stop breathing, and once one people say your name for the last time. I think it’s right that he can remember her the way he wants, for him, his family and for as long as he wants. It’s the right thing to do.