Fiancée widower's late wife's anniversary

[HelpIcantfindaname]

Background - 10 years since late wife died.
We have been together nearly 5. Moved in together last October. He proposed on Christmas Day. Getting married this summer.

Usually on anniversary I give him space. But now we live together that's going to be hard. He puts their songs on fb, which I always find hard. I can ignore fb but this year I asked him not to, it seems odd to me when we are now engaged. Not that I expect him to forget her. He has always been very good at making me feel like I'm not living in her shadow. We do talk about her sometimes. I just find the songs really hard.

He says he does them for his son, so this year he might just put them on his page. But that still means he is gona be sitting going through the songs & being upset.

Am I wrong to think maybe it's time he stopped this? They will be going to her tree, I expect that. (In fact it's usually me who reminds him to take his son on her birthday, Mother's Day & Christmas).

I don't expect him to forget her & never think about her. I know he loves the memory of her, & now he loves me very much.

I just need advice on how to handle the anniversary, especially as we live together now. I know I can't tell him how to grieve. It's been nearly 16 years since my baby grandson died & I'm never gona stop loving & missing him.

I have a friend who lost her husband just after their daughter was born. She remarried some years later & never does anything to mark her first hubby's anniversary. She thinks it's odd my fiancee still does. I know everyone is different though.

What do others in similar circumstances do?

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.

His son is still just a little boy really. Only 5 when his mum died. Children can get very upset if they feel like their parents aren't being remembered. I know it's not easy for you but it's always going to be more difficult to have a relationship with a widowed person.

Why don’t you organize to do something with a friend that day and let him know that you recognize that it’s a difficult day, and important for him and his son, so you have planned to give them the space for this “ritual” (for want of a better description). I would also make it clear that you expect to be back by xx:00 and you would like the mood and the air to be clear again for the living, because it’s now your house too.

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.

This ^

I’m not and never have been in a relationship with a widower so can’t comment from that point of view.

However if he was someone I was friends with on Facebook, he was engaged to a new partner that he’d been with for 5 years, and he did this, I’d think he was quite odd, find it a bit unnecessary and maybe disrespectful to his partner, and/or think he’s a bit of an attention seeking prat.

Some people on here are quite harsh. I’m married to a widower and it can be hard on anniversaries and things. Be confident in your love and the memories you and he are now making and try not to be hurt by the songs. She was the mother of his child and deserves the recognition. I know exactly how you feel but swallow it and let it happen if that’s what he needs to do xxx

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.

Well, aren't you just full of empathy and compassion!

I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense. Do you think everyone should grieve according to what you think is right?

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.

Clueless about grief obviously

Imagine the privilege of telling others how to grieve their loved ones @abigail

I can give you another perspective. My mum died when I was 2. My father remarried within ten months. Me and my brother were never allowed to mention our dead mother growing up. No anniversaries were marked. It was like she didn’t exist. This has been very damaging to my brother and I.

Please remember this is not about you. His son’s mother has died. This will never change. It’s vital that he and his son can mark her passing as they see fit, without judgement, huffing and puffing or jealousy from you.

You sound very self absorbed and if you can’t handle their need to to do this, then don’t marry the man. Their need to mark her passing will always be there in some form or another. He may be kind of replacing a wife figure by marrying you, but a mother can never be replaced.

Please try and understand and be kind.

@Justilou1

Why don’t you organize to do something with a friend that day and let him know that you recognize that it’s a difficult day, and important for him and his son, so you have planned to give them the space for this “ritual” (for want of a better description). I would also make it clear that you expect to be back by xx:00 and you would like the mood and the air to be clear again for the living, because it’s now your house too.

Well aren’t you just a bundle of empathy.

How is that not empathetic? His grief ritual would force his partner from her own house. This allows him time to do this and spend it with his son, but also remember that he is now living with someone else.

I can't see that it matters that much tbh. He does it for himself and his child to mark the anniversary. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. He clearly does. But it's fine for him to be able to do this as well.

She was the mother of his child and deserves the recognition.

I absolutely agree, but there are more appropriate ways to do so once you are in another serious relationship, engaged or remarried.

My aunt lost my uncle when their kids were little. She got remarried to a wonderful man a few years later, and always made sure to keep her children's father's memory fresh in their minds. Every year, even after she remarried, the family would celebrate my uncle's birthday with a toast and having his favorite meal. Her new husband was always happy to participate, and they had a lovely evening of sharing memories and stories. However, even my aunt said it would be inappropriate and insensitive of her to openly acknowledge/celebrate her and my uncle's wedding anniversary now that she was remarried, and I completely agree with her.

The op's partner sounds indifferent and insensitive to the op's feelings.

It’s a song - you sound jealous. There’s nothing us widowers despise more someone being jealous of our dead husband/ wives. I also note you say you know he loves the memory of her, but when you refer to your grandson you say you still love him. He still loves his wife too, not the memory.

Perhaps the public posting on facebook might be important to show his family that their mother / sister / daughter hasn't been forgotten and that he's not tried to replace her with you. My mother's widower partner has been accused of this by his adult son who was very close to his late mother. He has to be sensitive to these feelings.

@Aquamarine1029

She was the mother of his child and deserves the recognition.

I absolutely agree, but there are more appropriate ways to do so once you are in another serious relationship, engaged or remarried.

My aunt lost my uncle when their kids were little. She got remarried to a wonderful man a few years later, and always made sure to keep her children's father's memory fresh in their minds. Every year, even after she remarried, the family would celebrate my uncle's birthday with a toast and having his favorite meal. Her new husband was always happy to participate, and they had a lovely evening of sharing memories and stories. However, even my aunt said it would be inappropriate and insensitive of her to openly acknowledge/celebrate her and my uncle's wedding anniversary now that she was remarried, and I completely agree with her.

The op's partner sounds indifferent and insensitive to the op's feelings.

I took the OP to mean her partner was reflecting on the anniversary of his wife's death, not his wedding anniversary.

@LouLou789

I married a man whose previous partner died. Different scenario, though as they had only been together a few years and no kids. I totally understand how him sharing his grief on FB so publicly would feel uncomfortable for you. I used to hate the grave visits on anniversaries and birthdays.

However, I also agree that it may be extra important for the son this year and my advice would be not to take issue about this, and that he will stop doing this of his own accord before long (whereas if you make a “thing” of it then it makes it into a bone of contention) One thing that really helped me was to frame it as “ I feel lucky that I am here with him and will still be here tomorrow. It’s just a day”

Deffo good to go out for the day yourself and be quite blithe about it as in “I know Day X is an important day for you and DS, I will be back in the evening (or whenever)” See it as smoothing the way in the relationship between you and DS.

I am also married to a widower. He was young (38) when his wife died and there were no children. The way I came to look at it was that there is no point competing with the dead. You are the one he has a future with, you are the warm body lying next to him. She had her future taken away. Your situation is different because they had a child and that child has lost his mum. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. In the early years his late wife was more present. He would go to the grave when he visited her parents. He would put flowers there at Christmas and on her birthday. As time moved on his new life with me and my children became more 'his life' than the one he had lost. He still visits her parents once a month or so. They have buried 2 of their 3 children and are very old now. When we got to our 10 year anniversary he asked me what I wanted to do. He still wore his wedding ring from his previous marriage on his right hand. I said that I didn't mind what we did for the 10th, as we always did nice things anyway, but I had a request for him to ponder for our 25th. I asked if he would think about not wearing that ring anymore when we got to that milstone as they had been together for 4 years and we would have reached 25. He agreed to think about it and nothing more was said. I noticed ,a few weeks later, that he was no longer wearing it He said that he had taken it off to do some exercise and had thought that it was just a habit to put it back on and that he didn't need it anymore. Its slightly different for you. There is a child there who has lost a mother who can never be replaced . His father is moving on slowly . You are part of the future but you can't be part of their past. You have no need to be resentful of it. Go out and let them have their day. It's just a day. You have the other 364 for years and years. You will go to that young man's graduation, you will watch him get married,you will hold his first child. Let her have one day. We have family photos on a wall in our house. My exhusband is there, because he is the father of my children. My husband's late wife is also on the wall. Everyone comes with baggage. It only bites you if you let it. Have a beautiful wedding. One day you will be a granny to that boys child. Xx

@Abigail12345654321

He puts their songs on Facebook? Why? Is it important to him that the world knows he’s still thinking about his dead wife? He sounds very strange. Does he lack self esteem? Does he desperately need people to admire him? I don’t buy all this ‘everyone should be allowed to grieve in their own way’ nonsense - I’d be objecting because it makes him look like a total wally. I’d actually be questioning whether I would want to marry someone who needed validation from others to this level.

Wow

I am a widow and I only post on FB usually once a year on my husband's anniversary. I do it there so that all the other people on my FB like his mother, siblings, friends and family from all around the world can remember him too, I wouldn't be that fussed about it for myself, but to not do it would feel like I was denying he was here and them the opportunity to remember him too, doubly so if there are children involved.

It seems like you have fixed on the FB thing as somehow symbolic of how he feels, my guess is that it is not at all.

It's very hard to move on when someone is lost young and they have living children, family and friends who also want to remember, but you want to move on yourself.

I think this is best dealt with by you blocking him for that week and letting him get on with remembering his wife with his son who is only 15 and very much needs his mum to be publically remembered. FB is the obvious place to do this, would you rather he spent the weekend texting and phoning everyone about it? If not, then one post is really a rather innocuous thing.

I'm sure I'll cry at some of my husband's favourite songs til I die but it doesn't mean I couldn't love someone else. They are just wistful memories for me, but I wouldn't appreciate having to hide listening to them although I always do so alone anyway.

His son perhaps barely remembers her.

It won't be long until you have been in his life as long as his Mum was.

I think it's a relatively small thing & a memory/connection for his son.

I think for one day a year you can suck it up, or be elsewhere, while he and her children remember her on her anniversary. That's not too much for you to do for someone you love.

@Thenextmrsreacher

I can give you another perspective. My mum died when I was 2. My father remarried within ten months. Me and my brother were never allowed to mention our dead mother growing up. No anniversaries were marked. It was like she didn’t exist. This has been very damaging to my brother and I.

Please remember this is not about you. His son’s mother has died. This will never change. It’s vital that he and his son can mark her passing as they see fit, without judgement, huffing and puffing or jealousy from you.

You sound very self absorbed and if you can’t handle their need to to do this, then don’t marry the man. Their need to mark her passing will always be there in some form or another. He may be kind of replacing a wife figure by marrying you, but a mother can never be replaced.

Please try and understand and be kind.

Shocking. I’m so sorry.

I agree, for a few days a year I think he can do what he likes. Also, your friend may not publicly mark the anniversary of her late husband’s death but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t. I don’t publicly mark my late daughter’s anniversary (although DH does), and that doesn’t mean we aren’t thinking of her on that day.

OP Mumsnet is mostly a first wives club and regardless of the circumstances second wives and step mums are given a hard time. I think you’ve been given some harsh comments, after the length of time and the fact you’re due to marry you’re entitled to your feelings. If it upsets you he should recognise this and adjust to your feelings too.

It's absolutely important for his son, that your DP marks the anniversary in the way they always have. Otherwise the son is going to feel that his dad's relationship with you has pushed his mum out completely.

If your DH had no children, or they were much older, then maybe it could be time to stop this ritual. But at the point where you're going to marry your DP, it's even more important to his son to know that, just on that one day, his mum's existence is still recognised and remembered.