Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He called me a friend in valentines card

125 replies

Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 08:04

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. We couldn’t see each other Valentine’s Day so had a night last night, he left for work this morning and propped a card up. I opened it up excited to see what he would say as it would be our first Valentine’s Day together.
In the card he thanked me for everything I do for him, and thank you for being the friend he needs. We never had the conversation that we were boyfriend and girlfriend but we always call each other it, as far as I’m concerned we were together.

Him calling me a friend has really thrown me off, he then said he loves me and appreciates me. Wouldn’t you just say girlfriend? It’s like he avoided it.

OP posts:
Mogwig · 12/02/2022 08:08

It sounds like for him, you being a friend (within the role of girlfriend) is something most special to him.

It's not that easy to find. You can have lovers, but they aren't always your best friend too.

Personally I think it's a sweet message, but it's hit perhaps an insecurity on your part. He's not, IMO, saying you're 'only' a friend. He's saying thank you for being there for him on more levels than just a lover.

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 12/02/2022 08:08

I don’t think calling you a friend means he’s not your boyfriend. My husband is my best friend as well. I think he’s just trying to express how you have friendship as well. But feel free to clarify that with him. I mean, I doubt he’d have added that he loved you if he was friend zoning you.

Disfordragon · 12/02/2022 08:09

I think you are over thinking this. DH often calls me his friend. I can see how after a year you might think girlfriend was preferable though. It’s a compliment.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 08:10

One of the best things about mine and dp relationship is that we are genuine friends.

I think you are reading to much into it.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 12/02/2022 08:10

Odd to be upset by this.

It took us about ten years of marriage before my husband acknowledged I was his friend.Grin

MrsColinRobinson · 12/02/2022 08:13

Unless you think he bought a valentine's card for every friend he has I think you're really oversensitive to a message meant with meaningful affection.

Ragwort · 12/02/2022 08:14

Agree you are totally overthinking it, sounds like a really nice, thoughtful message in that he recognising you are 'good friends' as well as having a romantic relationship- I would take it as a compliment.

In context - I have been married over 30 years .. in many ways we do have a good marriage but would I call my DH a 'friend' .... probably not. A PP above said her DH is her 'best friend', that's really nice but not something I would say about my DH (or he would say about me I am sure).

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 08:18

I think it is an insecurity because i know what he said to his last girlfriend for valentines. She was apparently the best thing that ever happened to him and he wrote her a poem. I know peoples relationships are different but I was expecting a bit ‘more’.

We are like best friends who are really sexually attracted to each other, we can talk about anything and talk all the time. It is my insecurity

OP posts:
lap90 · 12/02/2022 08:18

Every other caption on instagram has people declaring they are married to their best friend... yet to hear someone claim they married their enemy... so you might be reading too much into it.

2022sucksalready · 12/02/2022 08:55

Personally I’d find a poem a bit meh, the easy option (a bit like just adding a quote from someone rather than using your own words). What he has written is rather lovely, and very personal. My DP (of 20 years, and still going strong) would say we are best friends as well as all the rest.

whiteroseredrose · 12/02/2022 09:00

Seriously, someone you fancy who is also a great friend is hitting the jackpot.

Planetzero1 · 12/02/2022 09:01

So are you boyfriend and girlfriend? You clearly need the conversation.

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 12/02/2022 09:02

Being friends is the best part about my marriage, DH and I have been friends since childhood and were best friends for years as teens/young adults before we were in a relationship. I know people blast it all over Instagram in twee phrases (not me) but he truly is my best friend and had been for a long time before we had an intimate relationship. That's really important to me and makes our marriage strong, so I would see it as a positive thing to reference. Also he's not with the ex anymore for a good reason, so what he wrote in her valentine's card is pretty irrelevant

Planetzero1 · 12/02/2022 09:15

It’s not very romantic is it? I think it could be a sign he’s not in love or doesn’t have romantic feelings for you.

I finished with someone last year and looking back, his valentines card was very bland and I remember feeling a bit deflated by it (chucked it straight in the bin.) I do think it was a sign he wasn’t into me very much and it ended a few months later.

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 09:19

That’s it. I feel like it’s not romantic. He also put besties ❤️. I can’t explain it but in my gut it feels so off

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 12/02/2022 09:30

I get what you mean OP, it does seem to highlight the friend part and worse that he's declared much more to others. Is yours perhaps a newer relationship though? He might have meant he's hit the jackpot in for img a best friend as well but he's not made it clear. I think the only way to know is to ask him

CrushedPistachios · 12/02/2022 09:32

How/why do you know what was said to his ex girlfriend on a Valentine card?

phizog · 12/02/2022 09:32

I would be put off by this. Your first ever Valentine's Day card needs some mention of you being a gf, lover or something romantic. Calling you a great friend is fine if you've been together a while. And I absolutely don't need a VALENTINES card from my bf calling me his 'bestie'. Assuming there was no other indication of you as a gf on the card?

I think someone struggling to call you a gf or refer to a romantic relationship in a card is a sign they are not in love with you. They are fond of you, care for you but if the strongest emotion is that as a friend - the deeper feelings are missing. And they don't want to commit to a false feeling in a card - seeing it in writing is sometimes the stark reminder that you don't feel as you should. Trust your gut on this one. Just ask if there's a reason he didn't make any mention of you as a gf, and if he is in love with you. He should be able to say categorically that he is. If he can't.... plenty of couples stay together with no romantic love, just friendship. Until someone does meet someone they fall in love with. If that's what you want that's fine, if it's not, have the conversation with him on how he sees you.

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 09:36

He said I love you but I feel like it’s a friend I love you….

She must have given him the card back when they split up, I’m just assuming. He was moving out I helped out and there was a pile of papers in the back of a drawer.

OP posts:
peboh · 12/02/2022 09:38

@Novalentinesssss

That’s it. I feel like it’s not romantic. He also put besties ❤️. I can’t explain it but in my gut it feels so off
To be fair, I'd be completely put out if my husband put besties in a card for me. Whilst yes we are friends, he's my partner first and foremost. We aren't best friends, we're husband and wife. There's a difference.
phizog · 12/02/2022 09:40

@Novalentinesssss

He said I love you but I feel like it’s a friend I love you….

She must have given him the card back when they split up, I’m just assuming. He was moving out I helped out and there was a pile of papers in the back of a drawer.

Always trust your gut. But it isn't unreasonable to expect that a first ever Valentine's Day card has some mention of you as being more meaningful than a friend. Particularly if you've seen evidence he's capable of more gushy emotions. I'd say he's probably not sure of his feelings just yet but doesn't mean it's a lost cause. Just have an honest conversation with him on how the card made you feel. If you're his bestie, he will be able to open up and talk it through and give you the re-assurance you need.
Branleuse · 12/02/2022 09:42

I think you should talk to him about it. Make sure youre both on the same page or at least understand where the other is at.
I wouldnt mind my partner saying this to me. Id like it, but weve been together donkeys years and im confident and secure that he very definitely sees me as a romantic and sexual partner too.
For a year long relationship where you havent had the commitment talk, i think id be wanting it clarified too

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 12/02/2022 09:49

OP I think you're overthinking it. Romance can pass in a long term relationship but that 'best friend that I'm also in love with' feeling is something to aspire to. Comparing your relationship to previous ones is dangerous. Previous relationships are in the past for a reason and need to be left there. Nothing good will come from judging your relationship by past behaviours.

readingismycardio · 12/02/2022 09:54

I think this is the biggest compliment. My DH is my best friend, and I am his. A relationship can't be good if you're not great friends

MrsTimRiggins · 12/02/2022 09:56

A poem?! 🤢 you know far too much about the ins and outs of his last relationship, why is that?

You’re overreacting on the face of it. That’s a very nice thing to say to someone imo, especially in a relatively short relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread