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Original poster

He called me a friend in valentines card

125 replies

Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 08:04

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. We couldn’t see each other Valentine’s Day so had a night last night, he left for work this morning and propped a card up. I opened it up excited to see what he would say as it would be our first Valentine’s Day together.
In the card he thanked me for everything I do for him, and thank you for being the friend he needs. We never had the conversation that we were boyfriend and girlfriend but we always call each other it, as far as I’m concerned we were together.

Him calling me a friend has really thrown me off, he then said he loves me and appreciates me. Wouldn’t you just say girlfriend? It’s like he avoided it.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 12/02/2022 16:44

@Novalentinesssss

I tried to talk to him, he said we didn’t have a conversation about being boyfriend and girlfriend. If I wanted to I could have approached him and had a conversation about it. He said he feels like I’ve attacked him because a friendship is the most important thing in a relationship and I’ve made him feel not good enough
Initially I thought you were overreacting but this is weird to me. You've been together a YEAR and now he's alluding to you only being a fuck buddy?

Yes, he could value the "best friend" part of your relationship, I think that's the sparkle that really makes a relationship special, but he seems to be devaluing what you thought you had by now suggesting maybe you're not boyfriend and girlfriend?

Id be confused too, especially as he can clearly do the head over heels thing with his ex, but apparently doesn't feel that with you. Id feel like Ms Right Now rather than Ms Right tbh.

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 16:52

He said I’m not just sex, our friendship is the most important thing. He said he’s been the most open and honest with me, he’s upset that I would bring this up. He then said what did you want me to write a proposal in the card.

I personally feel like I’m Mrs Right Now and he’s upset I called him out on it, I did end up saying I want to be loved so much someone writes a poem about me, that I want to be the best thing that has ever happened to them.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/02/2022 17:02

Just tell him you thought you'd been in an exclusive relationship for the last year and ask what he thought your relationship was and what he wants it to be.

If it hasn't been exclusive can you get past that?

TibetanTerrah · 12/02/2022 17:05

Its difficult. Youre feeling "less than" his ex, but I think its important to remember that that relationship didn't work out, for whatever reason. Often we learn from how we behave when we're younger and maybe he's just not that gushy person anymore, and its not about how he feels about you. Maybe he's grown up, or maybe he was hurt by giving so much of himself before and was really hurt by the break up, so is a bit more guarded now.

I realise that contradicts my other post, but this isn't cut and dried and involves a bit of baggage on both sides. I think the knee jerk reaction for him to go on the defensive and say well we've never discussed being boyfriend and girlfriend is off. But I also think if he shows he loves you in little ways day to day, that's more important than a gushy poem on one day of the year iyswim.

Id also throw in that if he gave me a gushy poem and I'd already seen the one he'd written to his ex, it wouldn't feel that special as clearly he does that with every girlfriend! Everything I've written has probably confused you more, but as I said there's quite a bit more going on, and it all depends how well you can communicate going forward. If he bats you away and makes this a you problem, that's the biggest red flag I think.

supercali77 · 12/02/2022 17:43

Um. So as a pp said you've questioned the term friend and now he's insinuating that you could have brought up being his girlfriend before so ... what? you weren't his girlfriend for the past year? Id let your emotions cool and be very direct with him. What did he think it was and what does he want going forward? State what you thought it was and what you want going forward. After a year he ought to know.

rattlemehearties · 12/02/2022 17:50

You sound like hard work.

Best friends who are sexually attracted to each other sounds like perfect marriage material. Can't understand why you're causing a fight about it

MinnieJackson · 12/02/2022 17:53

Wait, are you bf and gf then? It's not the most romantic card for a first Valentine's day. He needs to be 100% clear with you now if he respects your friendship so much.

MoonlightFancy · 12/02/2022 17:54

I tell my husband that he’s my best friend all the time - because he is. I love him to death and fancy the pants off him but we are also very close on a friendship level too.

MoonlightFancy · 12/02/2022 17:55

Also you want a poem? Not everyone can write one. Why not appreciate how much he clearly enjoys your company and cares about you rather than that he googled some cheesy poem and wrote it out.

fenellastripe · 12/02/2022 17:55

I would assume he's not over his ex.

iwishu · 12/02/2022 18:04

I'm with you op I wouldn't like being called a friend or a bestie in a Valentine's card, and when you bring it up about being his girlfriend, he said you're attacking him rather than clarifying how you want him to feel. He's wanting to avoid the subject which isn't a good sign.

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 18:04

No he made her a poem from scratch. It’s not even that I want the same thing. It’s just the fact I know he’s capable of the romance, he’s capable of saying wxactly how he feels so he’s clearly not in love with me. That’s why I was upset. I understand it’s important to have a friendship and I’m not dismissing that. But I want more

OP posts:
DDMAC · 12/02/2022 18:04

I think that’s a weird response from him. I also think he didn’t expect you to ask him directly what he meant and became defensive. My take on it is that he’s not 100% committed yet.

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 18:09

He said I upset him by asking, he said i’m crying to him down the phone. I was crying because it confirmed what I’ve always thought..

Thank you so much for the advice everyone

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 12/02/2022 18:12

Tell him to fuck off if he's turning it around on your for being upset after he told you he loved you and he's now acting like you're not in a relationship.

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 18:13

To be fair, it could be 2 ways.

One, he isn't as committed as you.

Or two, that he wrote something from the heart. That a relationship that includes being really good friends, means alot to him. And you basically shot him down and over analysed it.

If I wrote something to dp in a valentines card and dp started pulling it apart, it would annoy me too. I probably wouldn't respond well having to explain myself.

I would also guess, when he thinks about what you said, he will also guess you read the valentines. That probably won't go down well.

AnneKipankitoo · 12/02/2022 18:19

Hope you are ok @Novalentinesssss

Rewis · 12/02/2022 18:31

Based on the first message I was thinking that maybe it was one if those "my wife is my best friend things" but besties❤ is a turnoff. As is his going on about how friendship is the most important thing. It makes it sound like you are exclusive friends with benefits and he really likes you but doesn't see a future.

WonderfulYou · 12/02/2022 18:36

I think this is the biggest compliment.

I completely agree.

Honestly if I was him I would be rethinking the relationship at this point.

He did a nice thing and you’ve tried to turn it into an argument and ended up crying down the phone to him.

This is why I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because it creates unnecessary drama.

PoshPyjamas · 12/02/2022 18:50

What, so he was trying to redefine the relationship through the medium of Valentine’s? That’s not good.

Also think he’s going to guess you read the poem.

ThuMuClu · 12/02/2022 18:50

So did he say you haven’t had a conversation about being boyfriend and girlfriend?! I’m confused as to whether you are both on the same page about what your relationship is?!

Psychologika · 12/02/2022 18:52

My husband tells me I'm his best friend. It's a great thing (in my opinion and for us!)

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 18:58

He basically said, we didn’t discuss being a boyfriend and girlfriend. We always said it and then we also had a exclusive chat. As far as I’m aware, that’s where we were at.

Now he said I know where he’s at, what he’s trying to do with our relationship and a friendship is more important than a relationship. I don’t really understand what he’s trying to say

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 12/02/2022 19:00

I can’t follow this now. We didn’t have a conversation about being boyfriend and girlfriend either but we have been married nearly twenty years. So I don’t know what he meant by that, was he actually saying you are not his girlfriend? If so, yes that is upsetting.

I think you reading the card he sent somebody else and then crying down the phone that you wanted what she got is awful. Most people will have had previous people in their lives, will have loved before, you can’t go through life making comparisons.

If I were him, I would be having serious doubts about the relationship following your reaction to this card.

Original poster
Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 19:02

Yes he said we’re not boyfriend and girlfriend

OP posts: