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Original poster

He called me a friend in valentines card

125 replies

Novalentinesssss · 12/02/2022 08:04

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. We couldn’t see each other Valentine’s Day so had a night last night, he left for work this morning and propped a card up. I opened it up excited to see what he would say as it would be our first Valentine’s Day together.
In the card he thanked me for everything I do for him, and thank you for being the friend he needs. We never had the conversation that we were boyfriend and girlfriend but we always call each other it, as far as I’m concerned we were together.

Him calling me a friend has really thrown me off, he then said he loves me and appreciates me. Wouldn’t you just say girlfriend? It’s like he avoided it.

OP posts:

ProudThrilledHappy · 12/02/2022 23:13

I suspect he doesn’t want to give you a title because he is still on the lookout for someone else. This way if it happens he can say you aren’t really his girlfriend and it was never that serious, despite stringing you along all this time

TibetanTerrah · 12/02/2022 23:14

Calling it a 'title' is pretending it's a massive deal when it isn't. You had the exclusivity talk. You thought you were boyfriend and girlfriend. To most couples it's not a 'title' and he's making out it's unreasonable for you to want something so normal.

Goooglebox · 12/02/2022 23:27

I think he was saying something lovely.

But why not check independently of the card that you're using those terms to describe each other.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/02/2022 23:35

@Novalentinesssss

He said we have a relationship but I want a title????

Ask him what the difference is.

Dump him regardless because he's being a ridiculous making out you're being unreasonable about expecting to be boyfriend and girlfriend after a year.

But I would still want to ask him what on earth he thought the difference was between being in a an exclusive relationship for a year vs being boyfriend and girlfriend.

And you say you have spoken about this stuff before... so he's also lying and rewriting history! Bleurgh what a weirdo.

Goooglebox · 13/02/2022 02:22

That just sounds so painful.

I think it's hard to know without seeing you together and feelings can definitely grow over time. But he's being unreasonable and that's not ok.

Hubbabubba7 · 13/02/2022 02:36

What’s wrong with using the title? It defines you as a couple rather than fwbs. Unless of course he views you as fwbs. I agree with pp he doesn’t want the guilt of cheating if you were his ‘girlfriend’ .

He’s not serious about you and I would end it . You’ll find someone much better who is excited and proud to be your boyfriend- go find him op!

wtfwasthatmate · 13/02/2022 02:44

Well he's a gaslighting head fuck. He means he wants to see you and keep his options open. Tell him to fuck off.

CharlotteRose90 · 13/02/2022 02:56

Omg you aren’t dating my ex are you? He pulled the same stunt . Used to call each other bf and gf but for valentines I got a generic shit card. No girlfriend nothing. I did the same and called him on it and he said I wanted a title blah blah blah. End it. He doesn’t see a future with you and is just seeing how it goes sorry.

user1481840227 · 13/02/2022 03:11

OP there is NO WAY whatsoever that there was some kind of misunderstanding where you mistakenly believed you were boyfriend and girlfriend.

So you need to understand that he is gaslighting you and lying.

He's definitely no friend either.

You need to understand that these incredibly confusing situations just fuck with your head and most people end up staying in them because they are so confused about what's going on, the truth is so odd that people can't actually process it properly.

Midlifemusings · 13/02/2022 03:45

I am curious what romantic things you did for him for Valentines Day that would show your truly feelings of how incredibly special he is to you?

Were you looking for someone who matches what you give and he hasn't reciprocated?

AnnaK163 · 13/02/2022 04:26

Sorry OP.
He had told you previously he wanted you to be his girlfriend and now he's rowing back. As for a man using the term "bestie" to a woman - GAK.
One year in, everything should be wonderful and you should feel 100% secure and happy, ripping each others clothes off every 5 minutes, him telling you he loves you constantly, and no issues at all. It's best that this has come up now rather wasting any more time on this "bestie" who also likes to have sex with you.

liveforsummer · 13/02/2022 06:10

Some men seem to really have a problem with this. A friend of mine is having the exact same issue at the moment where when she tried to ask if they are actually in a relationship after a significant amount of time dating and spending time together she's made to look needy and demanding so she always drops it. Similar responses about not needing a title as if it's really a big deal. These men are chancers

Eesha · 13/02/2022 06:20

Op, I agree with PP who feel this man is gaslighting you. He has picked the most friendlike card because he doesn't/no longer sees you that way. The best thing you can do is grieve a bit then find someone who treats you the way you would like to be treated. I wanted a big show of affection for Valentine's via a card and my partner wrote me a poem. I would have been a bit miffed at any friend thing personally. You deserve someone better than someone you have to convince.

Original poster

Novalentinesssss · 13/02/2022 08:01

I just said to him you love me but you’re not in love with me, the reason why I was so upset by the card because it confirmed how I felt. It’s a painful thing to acknowledge because it would mean the end of us

OP posts:

Eesha · 13/02/2022 08:06

Op, there will be someone who feels what you want. Try not to let it hurt you for too long.

supercali77 · 13/02/2022 09:02

You've done the right thing OP as much as it hurts x

CandyLeBonBon · 13/02/2022 09:20

Sorry op. That must really hurt. You were right to trust your instincts though

Lena007 · 15/02/2022 06:39

He is treating you as fwb knowing you want a normal relationship. He is stringing you along and, if you let him, he will continue to do so until someone else comes along and then you will be dumped.

He is manipulating you now and turning this on you because he gets what he wants in the current set up. What an arse. If you stay, you will end up in one of these long term relationships where DP never commits, never proposes and will be delaying having children....until he meets someone else, falls in love, gets married and have kids quickly.

Have some self respect, save yourself pain in a few years time. Leave him. He doesn't deserve you. And you deserve someone who cherishes you and a relationship where you exactly know whete you stand.

neverbeenFriendZoned · 19/02/2022 05:04

Leave him. I only had to read your original post to know he is not in love with you.
I know it hurts, but it will pass.

First off, its all about him. He thanked you for everything you do for HIM, and for being the friend HE needs? Thats appreciation of sorts, yes, but its not exactly love.
I am wondering just what all it is you are doing for him. Are you being a wifey without being a wife? Don't do that.

Second, the term friend is NOT okay in romance. A husband telling his wife she is also his best friend IS NOT the same as a guy saying it in a new relationship.
A husband has already chosen his wife as the woman above all women, so to then say to her that she is also his best friend, it is very sweet. But for a boyfriend and girlfriend? No.

Third, and this is key. Look how he reacted when you brought up your feelings and needs. Did he seek to comfort you? No. He invalided you, dismissed your feelings, and attempted to confuse you and make you feel alone. His words and actions indicate separateness, not connection. Is this the behavior you'd expect from a man who loves you? Whether he is "in love" or not?

Fourth, and now this is the best part!
You trusted your gut! Good for you!
Even when people wrote on here that the friend comment was ok, YOU knew it wasn't. You paid attention to your feeling sense. Always, always, always trust your intuition.

PineappleVision · 19/02/2022 05:29

He has upset you. When you have raised this with him he has turned it round and claims you upset him. He is only concerned with that aspect and not about your feelings right now. This is a red flag. He sounds manipulative.
The fact that you thought you were in a committed relationship and he is now trying to say you are not is a red flag. You deserve to be in a relationship where someone is very happy to state you are their girlfriend and do the poem thing if that’s what you like. There will be a guy out there for you. This guy is not the one. End it. He’s using you. The valentines card was to put you in your place whilst keeping you hanging on.

BlondeWidow · 19/02/2022 06:29

@ProudThrilledHappy

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!!

@Novalentinesssss

RantyAunty · 19/02/2022 06:30

I would have seen that card like a pat on the head or kiss on the cheek.

You were right to ask him about it and were honest in want you want.

He decided to do the headfuck and try to twist it back on you.

A normal response would have been of course you're my girlfriend.

Well done on ending it. You've shown him your value and strength by not putting up with a waffle.

BlondeWidow · 19/02/2022 06:31

@RantyAunty

I would have seen that card like a pat on the head or kiss on the cheek.

You were right to ask him about it and were honest in want you want.

He decided to do the headfuck and try to twist it back on you.

A normal response would have been of course you're my girlfriend.

Well done on ending it. You've shown him your value and strength by not putting up with a waffle.

I don't see where OP has actually ended it?

whysoserious123 · 19/02/2022 06:34

After a year and you not boyfriend and girlfriend = red flag. Move on

pamela5642 · 19/02/2022 06:43

This reply has been deleted

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