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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you know any nice men?

126 replies

orangechurchbells · 11/02/2022 23:52

I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm stuck in the end stages of an abusive marriage. Even men I thought were nice ("I wish I was with him") types now occur to me that they might actually be cynical, predatory. I'm scared by tales of my friends' awful husbands. I just feel really untrusting of all men, and rather low because of this feeling.

Has anyone been here? Do you know of any genuinely nice men?

OP posts:
Original poster
orangechurchbells · 11/02/2022 23:54

Or do you know how to think of it differently? Really stuck.

OP posts:
womanx · 11/02/2022 23:55

My dad is the only nice man I know and I know your pain Am the exact same as you is their any nice men or woman out there for me x

notthatonethisone · 11/02/2022 23:57

I'm sorry. I didn't want to read and run

I think just take a deep breath. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Focus on getting yourself safe and out of this abusive relationship

But yes don't give up hope. There are nice guys out there. Even my ex husband is a good guy. We just drifted apart. But I'm currently laid up with covid and he's asking if I need anything!

But take one step at a time. Concentrate on yourself for a bit. Sorry I'm a bit covid addled. I hope this helps Thanks

Featuredcreature · 11/02/2022 23:58

Nope, well I have two sons who are lovely, I have also worked with and met men who seemed nice. Every Man who I have known more than superficially has been a massive twat though tbh. I understand why you are struggling.

bloodywhitecat · 11/02/2022 23:59

After a not great (sex pesr, liked to control who I went out with, gave me the odd push or shove) marriage I am now married to a genuinely nice man. My dad was one too, took all kinds of crap from my mum and stood by her throughout all of her episodes of serious mental health problems, never once wavered, he raised us kids as well as he could with very little support when mum was in and out of hospital. He did all that through the 60s and 70s when most people (his own parents included) were telling him to divorce his wife, sign the kids over for adoption so he could start again.

Disfordragon · 12/02/2022 00:03

Nobody is perfect. The only 2 people who really know what goes on in any relationship are the 2 people in it. I’m married I know some lovely men. Are they lovely to be in a relationship with? I have no idea because I’ve never been in a relationship with them. One is recently divorced, so his ex wife obviously thought there was something amiss, another I think is the loveliest man but his wife seems to be tearing her hair out over him (he isn’t abusive). Equally I know some men that I don’t think are great, but their partners seem to think they are. My DH is a good man. He’s loyal and generous and loving, but he can be an absolute pita to live with and really needs to read some parenting books!! But it works for us for now.

justbegoodforme · 12/02/2022 00:06

My husband is a genuinely lovely man. After 20 years of marriage he still means everything to me. Caring, generous, thoughtful and loving. A wonderful father too. Female family and friends adore him. He treats all women with respect. From his mother to total strangers he is always respectful.
I was with a total twat prior to meeting him who was the complete opposite.
Don't give up hope and trust your gut instinct. Stay away from the twats who treat women badly.

Original poster
orangechurchbells · 12/02/2022 00:07

I just felt very suddenly untrusting of the lot of them. I'm not looking for a new relationship. I think I was upset hearing what went on with a friend's marriage, with one of the supposed good guys.

OP posts:
Original poster
orangechurchbells · 12/02/2022 00:08

@justbegoodforme that's lovely- just what I was hoping to hear! Well done

OP posts:
HeyRememberThatTime · 12/02/2022 00:10

Yes there are nice men, I've been married to one for 12 years, known him 20 years. He makes me laugh every day, I can always rely on him and we've never had a major falling out.

I also have good male friends who I trust completely. Obviously I can't know with absolute certainty but I believe them to be good partners.

Dont give up and don't settle for less.

MuffinStrops · 12/02/2022 00:11

Yea I do. OH is a really good man. My sons are really good men. So is my brother. I don’t waste time on men who aren’t decent people and never have.

LondonQueen · 12/02/2022 00:13

My DH, my dad, my brother, my son and one (and only one) male colleague at work.

Ohmygodyesthatsit · 12/02/2022 00:21

My dp is the loveliest, kind, gentle and supportive man. He is always there for me does his fair share of housework happy to cook etc he's funny (makes me laugh loads ) and looks after dcat Grin.
My two son in laws are also lovely lovely men do there fair share treat my daughters with respect and are wonderful fathers.
We have all had the duds before but have ended up with the good ones.

LiveFromNewYork · 12/02/2022 00:38

I know lots of nice men but they are not single.

Chichimcgee · 12/02/2022 00:39

Genuinely no Sad

Loocheeyar · 12/02/2022 00:44

Nope.

BeetyAxe · 12/02/2022 00:44

Yes, my husband, his father, hopefully my sons like their father and grandfather. Some I know through work so only have that relationship with them, but after 15 years of being colleague have seen nothing but integrity and loyalty and love toward their wives and children.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/02/2022 00:49

My Exdp is a good man, kind, gentle, decent, considerate. I was with him 16 years. My current dp is also a good man. He's loving, thoughtful, kind and gentle, GSOH, generous. I could go on....

Natty13 · 12/02/2022 01:03

My husband is a total sweetheart. He's a nurse who all his patients and colleagues adore (how I knew he was a good man and fell in love with him). He's a great dad and stepdad. He's the kind of man people ask for hp because they know he will give it without hesitation. He's the exact same behind closed doors, woukd do anything for us- he says no to people without checking with me if he thinks hoping out will take away too much from family time. He struggles with being organised but he tries every single day ~because he knows I'm not doing it~. He's stood by me through a terrible depression and is my biggest cheerleader. I could go on all night but won't.

My brother would go to the moon and back for his wife and girls. He was the one who made sure I never ended up in a relationship with a dickhead. He's the most friendly and laid back person I've ever met in my life and an excellent judge of character. If he didn't have a good feeling of someone I was dating he always turned out to be right. He's very different to my DH but the one thing the 2 of them have in common is that I couldn't name a person who knew them and didn't like them (and both of them are married to women with v strong characters lol)

I'm sorry you have had a shock and are feeling bad. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight and feel a bit brighter tomorrow Flowers

roastingmichael · 12/02/2022 01:04

I know some really lovely men. My partner, a couple of friend's partners. I have some lovely male colleagues (caring profession).

They are out there@orangechurchbells

I've met lots of arseholes too, I will admit. Taking my time, not giving too much of myself until I was sure and really getting to know someone helped me.
I don't fall for the love bombing and all the demonstrative bullshit, that's not what makes a healthy relationship.

AnnaK163 · 12/02/2022 01:05

Boyfriend/marriage material of men who will be faithful? Rare.

For long time I worked in an environment which was all male with 3 supervisors (I was one of them). There were 130 men working shifts and I got to know them all very well -aged 18-60 and a cross section of British men. None of them were perfect or anywhere near. 50% of them were married players. Actually, the married men were the worst by far - desperate for attention and for someone to talk to. The single men were looking for adventure and sex. I actually liked all these men as friends - they were all kind people once they realised I was a person, not fair game, and only one was a sociopath. It made me realise I am very lucky to have my husband, who is not perfect, but he is a decent man.

camperqueen54 · 12/02/2022 01:07

My husband. Genuinely lovely. I'm sorry you haven't encountered this yet x

notangelinajolie · 12/02/2022 01:15

Yes, there are some very nice men out there. My dad, who was both a gentleman and a gentle man. And my DH who is the kindest soul ever to walk this earth.
Don't judge all men OP - there are some very lovely ones out there.

MajorCarolDanvers · 12/02/2022 01:21

Yes I know loads.

Sweetlikejollof · 12/02/2022 01:29

My fiancé is lovely, my brothers are lovely, my father is lovely, my cousins are lovely, my (male) friends are lovely, my ex is lovely and I work with some lovely chaps.

I know lots of very nice men. There are loads. Chin up, OP. It probably doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ll weather this storm and come out the other end.