Do you know any nice men?

[orangechurchbells]

I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm stuck in the end stages of an abusive marriage. Even men I thought were nice ("I wish I was with him") types now occur to me that they might actually be cynical, predatory. I'm scared by tales of my friends' awful husbands. I just feel really untrusting of all men, and rather low because of this feeling.

Has anyone been here? Do you know of any genuinely nice men?

Yes. My dad is an absolute super star. When you first meet him a bit socially awkward but very funny with a dry sense of humour. Has high self esteem (so important) but not egotistical. Would give up time for anyone (but tight with his money....inherited from his parents money is for family....so he helps us kids a lot!)
Also he is still married to my mum which makes him a total saint as she is an absolute pain in the arse (that's not a joke, I mean that!) he's not perfect but if o had met a man like him I'd be happy (not in a creepy way!)

My brother however is a twat. I love him but he is so self absorbed, way too selfish to have a relationship though he freely admits this and is therefore living alone and perpetually single at 38. So I guess that's admirable in its way. Don't worry though, you personally won't be treated badly by him if you just so happened to meet him because he is gay.

My husband is somewhere in between. He's very loyal, he puts up with me being an arsehole (chronic pain and chronic depression) and I completely trust him with everything....except money but even then it's only a "oops I bought motorbike accessories for £120" rather than a full on spending/gambling addiction!

But he is also an argumentative knob who will argue for the sake of it and he's not very good at being reflective eg will repeat the same things with regards to the kids even though it hasn't worked previously so I end up stepping in....again!

Not very helpful am I? To be fair I have a list of people outside my family who is recommend. Can't be friends with people that I wouldn't recommend!

So Yes I know good men!

Yes. My DH is genuinely nice. Caring, never grumpy, a great dad and (as my mum says) thoroughly decent. His friends are lovely too. I've done my best to raise DS to be caring and respectful and it seems to have worked ❤️!

My father was lovely, as was one of my grandfathers.

On the other hand DH's brother is utterly self centred. Unsurprisingly divorced with a series of very beautiful long term, much younger girlfriends. He's a good looking chap, races motorbikes and is a good raconteur. Exciting and fun no doubt but not great to live with.

The other grandfather was a serial philanderer who spent his wives' money before moving on to the next. According to my grandmother he was exciting and charming and looked good in a uniform. Fortunately she chose very well for her second husband.

I think you can tell a lot about a man by the company that he keeps. When you're in the first flushes of love it's hard to be objective about them. But have a good look at his family and friends. It gives you a clue about what his norms are.

Lots and lots! 50% of my friendship group are male and if they weren’t lovely I wouldn’t be friends with them!!

I think sadly that you often don’t know what people/men in particular are really like even if they appear lovely. I’ve been shocked in recent years to discover so many apparently “kind and lovely” men have other faces behind closed doors, or even worse secrets. Men you’d swear were amazing but turned out to be abusers or violent despite not looking like they were remotely like that.

One of the apparently most lovely “family men” I knew, who appeared utterly kind and devoted to his wife and kids, turned out to have been using prostitutes and running up debt - his wife had no idea. Another man I worked with and had known for decades - religious, apparently highly ethical, everyone would have sworn he was a great person - was later convicted of child pornography offences.

My own dad can seem great to others, but is moody and often unpleasant behind closed doors, and underneath his “nice” surface act is very selfish to be honest.

I don’t want to discount all the posts about lovely husbands and dads - of course there are good men. But I don’t think that you can really always know who is decent unless you know someone very well indeed and maybe not even then - I’ve found that some men go to great lengths to project a niceness that may not match what is underneath.

My DH is a lovely, kind, gentle man. We've been married 38 years and together 46 years. He has lots of friends and is just a genuinely all round nice person (much nicer than me 😀).
I've just been diagnosed with cancer and he really is coming up trumps - an absolute rock.
Having said all that, he's not perfect - but 'he'll do'.

There are decent men around.

My group of school friends who are male (including my XH) are genuinely lovely. My current BF (only a year so fingers crossed) is genuinely lovely. None are perfect but all are open minded, reflective and ready to learn (I hope I’m the same).

I have been with some absolute twats as well. I feel so lucky to have some wonderful people in my life, male and female. They are out there 😊

From an earlier Post

“ I actually liked all these men as friends - they were all kind people once they realised I was a person, not fair game”

That rings true, I’ve never had a problem with men because I’m not “fair game”. Plenty of men are idiots, plenty of women are stupid and choose bad partners.

Yes there are good men, finding them is not always easy, especially as you get older, the old adage is as true as ever.
It’s not just finding the right partner, it’s being the right partner

My husband, my dad, my brother. Not perfect but good kind caring gentle men. My FIL is kind and gentle.

I have some lovely male friends - mostly work friends but decent thoughtful guys. They may be arseholes in their relationships but all of them have very long term partners and there is no gossip about them to suggest bad behaviour so I hope not.

Very few....

I am in a situation quite similar to yours where at this point I have lost all trust in men.

The last straw was the fact that I knew someone for years who I considered a great friend and who presented himself as a nice guy. We started dated a few months ago and it turns out he is an abuser behind closed doors masking as a nice guy in real life. Did this to me but I also found out he did the same to a previous girlfriend, to the point where she almost took her life.

I also grew up with an abusive father, was molested at school by two teenage boys and on it goes...

I met a couple of genuinely decent men at work or as friends and they are great family men who are incredibly supportive of their partners but I truly believe they are the minority.

The majority of men I have met have deep down been selfish, dismissive and too many have been abusive. If you do online dating again too many men on there are sexual pests/perverts, cheats and complete liars.

I think we still live in a society where women are seen as less than men and where our bodies are seen as commodities. As long as that continues, too many men will continue to treat women poorly.

I know women are not perfect either but I do thing we have a massive issue as to how men view women and what they think is acceptable.

At my age , late 40s, I have pretty much given up on ever finding a decent relationship.

No. I don't.
I mean yes, in some ways - until they aren't.
The thing that keeps me going/sane/happy are my female relationships.

Society is set up for men. They are entitled and selfish in my view and so there are fewer 'good' ones.

‘I just felt very suddenly untrusting of the lot of them. I'm not looking for a new relationship. I think I was upset hearing what went on with a friend's marriage, with one of the supposed good guys.’

Protect yourself OP. Sure, I know some nice, good men. My Dad and my brother in particular both treat their wives and families like gold.

Although they don’t mean any harm and are not abusive or predatory they do display sexist attitudes sometimes and buy into harmful stereotypes of women.

We live under patriarchy and in a misogynistic and sexist culture of toxic masculinity. Very few men are unaffected by that.

Men can be wonderful, sex is wonderful and there’s nothing like a great date or a hot weekend away. But you do not need or have to keep a man in the house. You do not need or have to make relationships with men your most important ones.

A friend of mine just had a baby by sperm donor. She’s 40. It wasn’t that she hadn’t met the “right man”, she just didn’t want to risk her and her child experiencing the pain and the damage that men can bring to relationships. However nice and good they appear to be.

I'm married. Have a step father. My dad has passed. I have 4 brother in laws. My brother is genuinely the nicest person I've ever met. Kind considerate. Helps with my DIY. Takes my kids out. Probably too soft on his wife but stands his ground when he needs too.

I have never met a man that doesn't have at least some undesirable or questionable traits, even if it's only a limited world view that means their understanding of issues can be flawed. They are not women and their life experiences have given them a totally different perspective, so in some ways, the best of them are destined to fail us. I think its really a case of deciding whether you want one in your life, and if so, on what terms, what behaviour you will tolerate, and what you won't, and finding the strength to stay true to those decisions. Never lose your connections with other women, prioritise and develop them, as they will support you and enable you to build resilience in the event a man falls short.

Let’s face it, many women are unpleasant people too. Let’s not pretend that all women are inherently good and kind. They really aren’t. Many women put on a facade of niceness or seem to be something they aren’t. I’ve been let down in life far more often by women than by men.

I know plenty, but am absolutely certain about my husband and father. I’ve seen them in a million situations and they are respectful, fair, sometimes in a bad mood like us all but never take it out on their family.

Not in my experience. I'm currently OLD:

Require a skivvy for the 3 kids they have at weekends
Addiction issues
Emotionally unstable
Sexist

I'd rather stay single.

@MuffinStrops

Let’s face it, many women are unpleasant people too. Let’s not pretend that all women are inherently good and kind. They really aren’t. Many women put on a facade of niceness or seem to be something they aren’t. I’ve been let down in life far more often by women than by men.

But if you are a heterosexual woman you are unlikely to be sharing your life, home or finances with a woman, expecting any type of exclusively in your relationship with her, or harbouring concerns you may be vulnerable to abuse from her. So even if women are unpleasant too, it's a moot point really.

I know many many nice men. None perfect but then I know many nice women who are also not perfect, including myself.
Every human has traits of difficult ness, can be manipulative, controlling etc. Some choose to work on it though and some don’t.
Don’t fall into the trap of hating all men. Work on yourself, on your good and bad bits and try to relax about worrying about other people and their intentions.
It’s important not to judge people too quickly as you wouldn’t like it if someone did that to you.
I hope you find some peace and rest after your difficult time x

I know lots of nice men. Or thought I did. It surprised me after my husband died how many men changed towards me. Inappropriate comments, or just generally being over familiar. It was like I was back on the market now. It really upset me. All (happily) married men. I think even “nice” men will try it on if they think there might be something in it for them. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone I can trust again.

‘ Let’s face it, many women are unpleasant people too. Let’s not pretend that all women are inherently good and kind. They really aren’t. Many women put on a facade of niceness or seem to be something they aren’t. I’ve been let down in life far more often by women than by men.’

I am very happy to repeat myself here.

Women are not taking women off the street and murdering and raping them. There is no global epidemic of female violence. Women as a group are not destroying others with their predatory, entitled, misogynistic behaviour.

I am sorry @MuffinStrops that women have let you down in life.

No. Other than my Dad and my DS, most men I've met are pretty shitty.

My DP told my DD (not his) that she was the 'thickest person in the room' on Thursday evening. He then told my son his 9 GCSEs were worthless because they are IGCSEs which he says are easier than GCSEs and that my job is 'basically me sitting at a desk typing all day' - all because he was losing an argument.

Haven't spoken to him since. Can't even be in the same room as him.

DC's dad left me two weeks before second one was born because he was having an affair and had changed his mind about what he wanted.

Only other long term relationship I've had was a serial cheater.

I was single for 9 years. Way happier then than I am now.

Sorry you're going through a tough time OP, I hope you find some peace soon

I think I only know one

@Lookingoutside

‘ Let’s face it, many women are unpleasant people too. Let’s not pretend that all women are inherently good and kind. They really aren’t. Many women put on a facade of niceness or seem to be something they aren’t. I’ve been let down in life far more often by women than by men.’

I am very happy to repeat myself here.

Women are not taking women off the street and murdering and raping them. There is no global epidemic of female violence. Women as a group are not destroying others with their predatory, entitled, misogynistic behaviour.

I am sorry @MuffinStrops that women have let you down in life.

Yes, fair enough.

I'm sorry OP. Wishing you all the best for the future. I do empathise, I've been reflecting similarly recently about nice men and how I feel I've never had a relationship with one :( My ex was abusive and violent.
My husband is an improvement on the ex, as he can be sweet and gentle, but he is selfish in a way that seems common to lots of men and therefore not nice in the wholehearted way many women I know are. My dad has too bad a temper to be described as nice, but at least he's kind and not selfish. My brother and my mum's brother are kind, unselfish NICE men. My SIL and auntie are lucky women. (As are all the posters who have nice DHs!).

No, not really.