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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you know any nice men?

126 replies

orangechurchbells · 11/02/2022 23:52

I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm stuck in the end stages of an abusive marriage. Even men I thought were nice ("I wish I was with him") types now occur to me that they might actually be cynical, predatory. I'm scared by tales of my friends' awful husbands. I just feel really untrusting of all men, and rather low because of this feeling.

Has anyone been here? Do you know of any genuinely nice men?

OP posts:
linchinton · 12/02/2022 20:48

No nice single ones unfortunately.
All the blokes in my family aren't nice either.

Original poster
orangechurchbells · 12/02/2022 20:57

Thank you for the replies. I love the stories from people who have a genuinely nice DH. How do you think you learnt to spot a good one?

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 12/02/2022 21:21

I think I spotted someone good for me because I have high self esteem, and feel good about myself. I know what I am about and what I deserve.

I think that’s the key. I want someone to be my match, not for me to fix up or change. Or someone to fix me.

Self worth and happiness I think really is the key to having good people in your life.

Gigia · 12/02/2022 21:27

My DH is a lovely man, kind, generous and very patient. My DS (20) is thoughtful, caring, treats me and his girlfriend so well. My ex is also a lovely man.

Wildpersilla · 12/02/2022 21:44

No

Caliburn · 12/02/2022 22:34

@bloodywhitecat

After a not great (sex pesr, liked to control who I went out with, gave me the odd push or shove) marriage I am now married to a genuinely nice man. My dad was one too, took all kinds of crap from my mum and stood by her throughout all of her episodes of serious mental health problems, never once wavered, he raised us kids as well as he could with very little support when mum was in and out of hospital. He did all that through the 60s and 70s when most people (his own parents included) were telling him to divorce his wife, sign the kids over for adoption so he could start again.
Aww your father sounds exactly same as my father. My mother had alot of lentil health issues. My father ended up raising 10 children alone though after he couldn't cope anymore with my mother's behaviour (it was really bad). He never moaned once though. The best man I know!
Santaslittlemelter · 13/02/2022 16:47

@dipdye

You are going to get lots of people saying my dad/brother/son is nice/ lovely, I've seen these threads before. Thing is all the awful men you read about on here are also someone's dad/brother/son and they are likely never seeing their awful behaviours in relation to their personal lives.

^
This. It's always, oh my dad is great. Naivety.

Regardless….there are some good guys out there.
Santaslittlemelter · 13/02/2022 16:49

@orangechurchbells

Thank you for the replies. I love the stories from people who have a genuinely nice DH. How do you think you learnt to spot a good one?
What @bruce1 said.

I really am happy with who I am and have seen my father treat my mum with nothing but respect and love. Makes it easier to know what looks right and what looks wrong.

Bortles · 13/02/2022 17:20

There are some. Harder to find is a nice one who isn't also a bit of a drip. Im sure they're out there but 'nice' often goes hand in hand with not being much of a leader.

Sexnotgender · 13/02/2022 17:44

@Bunce1

I think I spotted someone good for me because I have high self esteem, and feel good about myself. I know what I am about and what I deserve.

I think that’s the key. I want someone to be my match, not for me to fix up or change. Or someone to fix me.

Self worth and happiness I think really is the key to having good people in your life.

Absolutely this.

I had an abusive first marriage. Was single for about 4 years and was resolute that anyone I let into my life had to make it better.

I was perfectly happy on my own and wasn’t about to put up with more shit.

My husband is fucking awesome. Genuinely the nicest man I’ve ever met.

Catra · 13/02/2022 17:59

Yes, I know plenty of nice men. Respectful, trustworthy, caring, hardworking, unselfish men - my dad, my husband, most of my friend's husbands, and my longstanding male friends.

There are plenty of awful abusive men too, I just give them a wide berth.

vanillacupcake19 · 13/02/2022 18:07

Still looking....

heelforheelandtoefortoe · 13/02/2022 18:32

Hi OP, I think men are getting better. Its only been in the last few years that (other than my DH and DF) I have noticed the men I work for championing me, pushing me forward, praising me, respecting me more when before the perception of being a nice guy was simply being friendly.

Heisrotten2thecore · 13/02/2022 18:37

No I don't.

SoLoveless2022 · 13/02/2022 18:47

@vanillacupcake19

Still looking....
Me too…..
Weeteeny · 13/02/2022 20:32

I know a few. And that is out a small circle so there must be many out there. I count my DP of 6 years one of them . He is a good father, honest, kind caring and makes me laugh daily.

My two brothers also. One is married and the other single. They are good men fundamentally , with good morals and kindness in them.

Everyone has their faults, no one is perfect but there are "good" people out there.

Equally there are a lot of men out there capable of mis treating people, as there women who can do the same .
I was married to one of these men.

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 14/02/2022 11:37

Of course there are. I think so many are willing to overlook glaring red flags just to be part of a couple. DH of 27 years has seen me go to hell and back with a serious condition. He’s never faltered. My dad (who died twenty years ago) and five brothers are lovely and my closest friend is male.
I don’t know if growing up around so many males made me stronger or that DH having only sisters is a factor but we are equal in all things. I think that equality is a good start to any relationship.

peacocktail · 14/02/2022 11:45

No, not in my experience and I have been here a while.
I hope that there are some out there, precious like Unicorn Poo.

hopeful67 · 14/02/2022 11:53

Following just so I can read this properly later. I am in the same place. At the end of an abusive marriage but find myself still in some way clinging onto my husband as I have never met an actual decent man in my life!

NashvilleQueen · 14/02/2022 12:03

I have this discussion with my daughter a lot. I can honestly only name about three men who I absolutely like without any qualification. Whereas I can name many more women. It could be that I hold men to a higher standard or it could be that they're much less nice than women as a general rule.

layladomino · 14/02/2022 12:05

Yes, lots.

My DH is a star.

My Dad, my BIL, my friend's husbands. Some people say 'but you aren't in a relationship with them so you don't know' - true - but as I know their wives very well, and I am close to them. I've known them all decades and confident they are 'nice'.

Just like women. I know lots of 'nice' ones. I'm not in a relationship with them so I can't say for absolute certain, but I'm confident they are 'nice'.

I know some not nice men and women too.

I appreciate the comments that un-nice men are wose than un-nice women, with regard to abuse, rape etc. But that isn't what I understood the question to be.

So, yes, there are plenty of nice men out there. You get a skewed picture on here because it's about relationship problems.

ugifletzet · 14/02/2022 12:12

I was in an abusive relationship that left me with PTSD and feeling thoroughly broken. I received life-changing therapy through a women's centre specialising in domestic abuse. When you feel ready, I really recommend approaching a place like that.

My therapy helped me to see that my default setting is to rationalise and make excuses for terrible behaviour. In my case, this was connected to my experiences as a child with an autistic spectrum disorder - I'd get bullied, the teacher would say that the bullies "didn't mean it" and I was "misunderstanding the situation", and I would learn to choke down my hurt and try to "understand" the bullies better. Basically I was taught to mistrust my own judgement. I was also taught that if I stood up for myself I was the one in the wrong, that I was a difficult person to be around and that I couldn't blame other people for finding me frustrating. Unsurprisingly my abusive partner was a man who blamed everyone else for all his behaviour, big and small. It was a match made in hell - a woman who meekly accepted responsibility for everything with a man who took responsibility for nothing.

The big question after abuse is not whether there are any nice men out there, but whether we are confident enough in our own worth and have the necessary assertiveness to walk away from bad treatment. You are capable and deserving of a loving, happy, fulfilled life. That might include a male partner, or it might not, but the key thing is to focus on yourself and on unlearning all the lies about yourself that being abused has taught you. Focus on the kind of woman you want to be rather than on the kind of man you hope to find. And good luck. Flowers

Original poster
orangechurchbells · 14/02/2022 13:48

@ugifletzet I just cried reading that. The dynamic between me and my husband is the same. Your last line particularly is so wise. Thank you, and I’m glad to hear you are finally free.

OP posts:
nothingmorethanthis · 14/02/2022 15:01

Every guy I know well is not that great to absolutely awful. There are some men who seem really nice but I don't know them well.

I never used to be so cynical.

Bran21 · 14/02/2022 15:08

I know lots of kind nice men of all ages but also know a few very few that aren't so nice. I'm sure if you look hard enough most men have good qualities, it just depends where your looking.