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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you know any nice men?

126 replies

orangechurchbells · 11/02/2022 23:52

I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm stuck in the end stages of an abusive marriage. Even men I thought were nice ("I wish I was with him") types now occur to me that they might actually be cynical, predatory. I'm scared by tales of my friends' awful husbands. I just feel really untrusting of all men, and rather low because of this feeling.

Has anyone been here? Do you know of any genuinely nice men?

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 12/02/2022 12:10

I know lots of nice men but have on heart could only vouch for 3. My husband, my best friend's husband and a male friend who I think I of as a brother. They are genuinely nice people in all situations.

Lots of men are nice to me but treat their wives like shit so they aren't 'nice guys' in my opinion.

schoolsoutforever · 12/02/2022 12:15

Yes, lots. My dad (now dead), husband, lots of men at work, friends over the years etc. None of them perfect no doubt. It’s no different from women, most are nice, kind, some are arseholes. I have never done any kind of online dating though - is this where you are meeting men (I would imagine you end up with some arseholes online?)

sanbeiji · 12/02/2022 12:16

DP - so far, and a couple of my exes.

My father isn't a bad man. He's just obsessive and kinda useless at daily life, which is probably due to undiagnosed ADHD (a lot of his behaviours are similar to mine, and I got diagnosed as an adult).

sanbeiji · 12/02/2022 12:16

Also DP's dad!
I can tihink of many 'nice' mean but idk what they're like with their wives do I don't know

MintJulia · 12/02/2022 12:47

Yes.

I know one whose wife walked out on him, leaving two toddlers behind, he moved to part time and raised them both on his own. Now he's helping raise his DGD. Kind, humourous, intelligent.

And another who is married to a close friend. Cheerful, energetic, he will help anyone if he can. Not a reluctant or resentful bone in his body.

And my boss, who's been brilliant while I've had chemo, he sort of hovers at a distance, wants to help but knows I hate fuss.

So they do exist. I've not met one for me yet, but you never know....Smile

Kite22 · 12/02/2022 12:59

Whereas I am very sorry you find yourself in the position you do, thread titles like this are really annoying and don't in any way help raise awareness of domestic abuse or gain support of the population as a whole.
Of course I know nice men. All my relations, friends, colleagues, and the overwhelming majority of men in the population.
Of course there are men who are abusive. As there are women who are abusive. It is awful, and it would be great if society could change that, but tarring 1/2 the population with the same brush because of your bad experience is not helpful.

hellcatspangle · 12/02/2022 13:31

My DP told my DD (not his) that she was the 'thickest person in the room' on Thursday evening. He then told my son his 9 GCSEs were worthless because they are IGCSEs which he says are easier than GCSEs and that my job is 'basically me sitting at a desk typing all day' - all because he was losing an argument.

He wouldn't be my DP any longer.

Lookingoutside · 12/02/2022 13:58

@Kite22

I’m sorry you feel annoyed. Must be hard.

MrsTimRiggins · 12/02/2022 14:01

My two brothers, my father in law, a couple of my uncles, several close friends… I know quite a few, but the one I know best, of course, is my darling husband. He is kind and funny, very thoughtful and treats me so well.
They’re out there, they can just be a bit hard to spot sometimes.

tsmainsqueeze · 12/02/2022 14:18

Yes i do ,late dad, my husband ,2 son's, brother , brother in law, uncle , cousins, 2 lovely male bosses , plus others.
Also very aware that not all men are 'nice' but neither are all women.

CayrolBaaaskin · 12/02/2022 14:20

Yes I have lots of male friends and family who I am close to abs who are lovely people

Moonface123 · 12/02/2022 14:21

Yes of course.
l have had some bad experiances involving men but l refuse to turn into a man hater, that would just affect me negatively rather than them. I personally think if you turn into a hater, its game over, they' ve won.

DDIJ · 12/02/2022 14:31

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Luxembourgmama · 12/02/2022 14:32

Yes my husband and some of my friends husbands and boyfriends

CupOfNiceTea · 12/02/2022 14:37

@Moonface123

Yes of course. l have had some bad experiances involving men but l refuse to turn into a man hater, that would just affect me negatively rather than them. I personally think if you turn into a hater, its game over, they' ve won.
Odd way to look at it.

I don’t really believe there is even such thing as ”man hater”.
Women don’t hurt men.

And what is there to loose?

oopsIdiditagaintoo · 12/02/2022 14:45

You don't know if someone is nice. This is the problem. The most abusive men are often very highly thought of by their family and friends. The mask often won't slip until well into a relationship. Often once there is a pregnancy or child. Then some helpful poster will ask why you had children with this man, implying you should have been more savvy and you've brought it on yourself. Equally, abuse isn't always sudden onset. When it first starts you will ask if you are being too sensitive to some remark. Your friends will agree you are being too sensitive so you work on yourself. Your friend might well remind you how nice he is.

I think this needs to be put on a flyer and repeatedly handed to teenage girls.

CupOfNiceTea · 12/02/2022 14:48

Op, I understand why you’re asking this, but I’d also like to remind that it’s a good idea to set your own boundaries of what makes a good man.

No a offence, but most women’s/people’s standards for men are abysmal.

Flyingf1edgelings · 12/02/2022 15:05

My dad and my husband are the two best men I know. I brother is a great man husband and father too. My other brother is a great guy just not good at relationships he doesn’t like commitment.

Cyberworrier · 12/02/2022 15:11

@Kite22
Your comment has made me a bit sad. The OP is presumably feeling quite vulnerable having just exited an abusive relationship and I felt your comment was unnecessarily judgemental.

Lots of people have commented positively that they know lots of nice men, which hopefully restored some faith for the OP, so it's hardly a man bashing thread.

Having been in an abusive relationship and had various traumatic experiences that have made it hard to trust men, I have had similar thoughts to the OP, and I'm grateful to her for starting this conversation about it, for the sake of other women who feel the same too. It doesn't mean I hate all men. Women should be able to freely discuss their experiences, even if it makes some feel uncomfortable. It's extremely invalidating to be told to not express your concerns about such personal matters.

Bunce1 · 12/02/2022 15:24

I have met some selfish men in my life (and women too)

However my husband, my FIL, my male friends and my friends partners are all lovely. They are kind, they are funny and l they work hard. They are also intelligent, successful and we share similar values/outlooks on life. They are good partners and parents, they are engaged in family life and are great fun.

My dad wasn’t great. Bit of a blue print of what not to look for in a man!

I know one man who has a drug problem. 2 kids to two different partners gu

Chickoletta · 12/02/2022 15:36

Of course there are nice, trustworthy men. I’m sorry that you are going through such a tough time but surely you can see that you can’t write off 50% of the population as being ‘not nice’?

I have been with DH for 25 years and he is a far nicer person than I am! Thoughtful, generous, respectful, funny, I could go on. I also have 2 male best friends (both single - one straight, one gay) who are wonderful in every way. I could happily live with either, under different circumstances. Lots of male friends, colleagues, cousins etc whom I adore too…

I hope that you will soon be able to get away from your abusive husband and that, with time, you will learn to be able to trust again. Maybe counselling would be a good idea?

Kite22 · 12/02/2022 15:51

@Cyberworrier I am sorry you took it that way.
I did indicate I was very sorry that the OP is in this position in life, but to do anything other than challenge the notion that all men are evil would be wrong. Plenty of others have done the same. Indeed, highlighting the truth that most people in life are nice, decent people who just don't make any headlines because that is normality, ought to be positive to someone who hasn't experienced that recently. Not exclusively the OP, but anyone else in the same position that is reading the thread.

Crazykatie · 12/02/2022 16:56

When you use any Forum it doesn’t matter what it is your always going to get a predominantly negative view presented, it doesn’t matter wether it is cars, washing machines or relationships. Most threads are about problems and it’s easy to get a really bad overview about anything

Graphista · 12/02/2022 17:12

Very very few unfortunately I can count them on 2 hands and I know a LOT of people!

4 are relatives (not my dad!), the other 5 are people I know as friends or through friends and I do know them very well. I've even lived with 3 of them (as a lodger)

Even the apparently nice guys that friends/family have suggested fit this category in similar conversations I have been like

"No he said x y z comments that were very sexist"

"No he treated/treats his wife/partner appallingly behind closed doors"

"No he thinks there's no such thing as date rape"

Etc etc etc

It's depressing!

Remember op there's nothing wrong with being single.

You need time to recover at least and get your own soul back on an even keel.

There are good men out there but ime they are few and far between and usually (of course!) already in happy relationships.

dipdye · 12/02/2022 17:57

You are going to get lots of people saying my dad/brother/son is nice/ lovely, I've seen these threads before. Thing is all the awful men you read about on here are also someone's dad/brother/son and they are likely never seeing their awful behaviours in relation to their personal lives.

^
This. It's always, oh my dad is great. Naivety.