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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you know any nice men?

126 replies

orangechurchbells · 11/02/2022 23:52

I'm in a bad place tonight. I'm stuck in the end stages of an abusive marriage. Even men I thought were nice ("I wish I was with him") types now occur to me that they might actually be cynical, predatory. I'm scared by tales of my friends' awful husbands. I just feel really untrusting of all men, and rather low because of this feeling.

Has anyone been here? Do you know of any genuinely nice men?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2022 01:34

'Nice' is tricky. Decent, respectful men who respect women, a few. Nice? I'm not sure I know that many. I don't seek out nice people though.

dipdye · 12/02/2022 01:48

Honestly, I'm not impressed with men. The vast, vast majority would sleep around if you gave them the nod. Like, 99% of men

WeasilyPleased · 12/02/2022 01:58

I had a long-term relationship with an absolute twat before meeting dh. Emotional physical sexual violence type twat. I vowed I'd never have that close a relationship again.
Dh is totally different. Kind gentle funny loving. He can be grumpy when hungry but can't we all! We've just become parents for the first time and I don't get a look in at weekends apart from breastfeeding.
However, he is naturally very shy and not the sort of man I would have noticed without my past.

ApplesinmyPocket · 12/02/2022 01:59

My DH is a lovely man - we've been married over 40 years, he's been nothing but kind, lovely, supportive, easy company, my favourite companion bar none. Wonderful husband and father. I love being with him and he seems to love being with me, so, all good.

My uncle - aged 90 something now - another lovely man - adored by his kids, stepkids, grandchildren, and me.

My daughter's husband - such a lovely man, kind and gentle and looks lovingly after my DD, who has anxiety and needs support.

Lastly my best friend is a man, and he's also kind, loving, generous and helpful.

My own father was not a nice man. i was frightened of him and so was my mother. I looked for a man as unlike my dad as possible when it came to getting married - someone you didn't ever to worry 'what mood is he in today' when he came in.

Casper001 · 12/02/2022 06:20

There are probably as many nice men as there are women. Behaviours just present differently and for some reason men are deemed 'good' or 'bad' whilst womens behaviour is excused or ignored.

CupOfNiceTea · 12/02/2022 06:51

No, I don’t know even one man I’d call decent.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 12/02/2022 07:11

Yes, my husband. He is incredibly good to me and a wonderful father. Some of my friends' husbands (although not all). My BiL. I didn't think so when I first met him, but over the years he has proven what a brilliant guy he is. Some of my male cousins. Good men are definitely out there but I agree can be hard to find. Sorry you've had such a tough time, OP.

UseOfWeapons · 12/02/2022 07:25

Yes, I know some genuinely nice men. I don’t want one of my own though.
My dad is a prince amongst men, as is one of my friends. My best mate’s OH is a great bloke and an excellent father.
I did the Freedom Programme when I left my abusive 2nd exH, and it really did help to realign my perspective of what behaviour was normal, and what wasn’t, which had become horribly skewed during my relationship. I recommend it completely.
All the very best to you, OP, you’re not alone, you just need a bit of help and support to become yourself again, after suppressing yourself in an abusive situation. 💐

Lightning020 · 12/02/2022 07:47

I have a platonic male friend but he definitely isn't relationship material. Jack the lad. He does make an entertaining pal though.

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 12/02/2022 07:55

IP I understand why you feel that way based on your experience. But of course there are nice men. I think it's problematic to think that all men are bad (based on your experience) the same way it's bad to make any sweeping statements about women. I'd stay off the relationship board if you want to restore your faith in men though. No one is going on there to tell everyone how brilliant their DP/DH is.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/02/2022 07:56

Yes.
My DH and most but not all of his friends.
My DB. Not my bil.
Some of my uncles (about 4 of about 20).
Most of the "not nice" ones are to my knowledge not remotely terrible or abusive but do hold low level misogynistic views or have treated/view woman as slightly second class. That's enough for me to think no thank you

One uncle I would happily push off a cliff as he is an evil sadistic bastard who enjoys abusing women. I avoid him at all costs as an adult.

I have fairly fussy standards and a lot of what my friends think is a "man thing" I think is unacceptable though so...

RussianSpy101 · 12/02/2022 07:57

My family are very lucky; my husband, dad and BIL are all wonderful men.

My husbands family is full of twatty men, his dad included. It’s a wonder how he turned out.

I hope you find a kind, decent man OP. They are out there.

GiantSpider · 12/02/2022 07:59

My husband, my brother, several friends. Hope you find one OP.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/02/2022 08:01

What @ApplesinmyPocket wrote about her father totally resonates with me.
Myself and my DB wanted to get /be as far away from the type of man our father was.
The "mood he was in" was a daily fixture that terrorised and dominated our lives for decades...
I never wanted that for myself or my children.

MillieSav · 12/02/2022 08:03

No
Only last weekend my ex who I'm still heartbroken over was texting one of my closest friends......an "are you up" type message Confused

FourChimneys · 12/02/2022 08:06

Yes, been married to one for 32 years. The kindest, wisest and most lovely man I have ever known.

I also have two close friends with lovely husbands and know many more. Neighbours, colleagues, friends, my life has many good men in it.

Maybe you are unlucky OP, there are a lot of good men out there.

Mermaidwaves · 12/02/2022 08:10

You are going to get lots of people saying my dad/brother/son is nice/ lovely, I've seen these threads before. Thing is all the awful men you read about on here are also someone's dad/brother/son and they are likely never seeing their awful behaviours in relation to their personal lives. I have male relations who seem very nice but I haven't a clue how they treat their wives and girlfriends behind closed doors. Not everything is always as it seems.

Crowdfundingforcake · 12/02/2022 08:15

Yes, DH, DDad, nephews, DBIL. Husbands of friends seem genuinely decent men. I do know some crap ones - 2 BIL are man children, one is flakey (and unsurprisingly single) one is divorced - his wife, a lovely woman, reached the end of her tether.

I think you just have to set the bar high and leave when it's obvious they're not worth your time and effort rather than stick around hoping they'll change (they won't).

SallyWD · 12/02/2022 08:17

Honestly, nearly every man I know is nice. Yes I've met some complete idiots over the years but these are men I've kept at a distance. When I think of men I know closely - all my male friends, relatives and colleagues, well there some of the nicest, kindest people I know.

bollocksthemess · 12/02/2022 08:18

My husband is a nice, good kind man. I’m very pregnant at the moment and he’s incredibly stressed at work, but he has a five minute moan when he comes in and then gets on with listening to me moan about how fat/tired/sore I am.
He’s lovely with my dogs, who can be hard work, he has never once raised his voice at me (and neither have I to be fair) and we don’t go a day without having a proper laugh.
I didn’t find him until I was nearly 35 and had found a lot of not nice ones in the meantime!

Sexnotgender · 12/02/2022 08:19

Yes, my husband is truly the nicest man I’ve ever met.

hellcatspangle · 12/02/2022 08:22

There's a lot of people her talking about their brothers/sons being lovely men. I'm not saying they're not, but genuinely you might not have any idea how they behave in a romantic relationship.

One of my friends has just been dumped by his long term partner for being controlling/emotionally abusive, and I can tell you now, his mother/sister/many of his friends have no idea. Outside of his relationship he's kind, easy going and considerate to others. I only know because she's shown me dozens of texts from him.

TerraNovaTwo · 12/02/2022 08:26

The only nice men I know are my Dad, DM's best friend's DH, maybe my DBil and a younger work colleague.

I too have a deep mistrust of men. Too many have turned out to be utter creeps. Entitled, rude, repulsive and or abusive.

RussianSpy101 · 12/02/2022 08:26

I know my BIL is lovely because me and my sister are extremely close so I do know how he is in the relationship.

My BIL (husbands brother) is a twat and I assume he is a twat in his relationship too but I’m not close to SIL so can’t say for sure. She is always unhappy and they never spend time together or even really speak so I’m going from that.

LubaLuca · 12/02/2022 08:30

I know a couple who are genuinely lovely, selfless people who would do their best to support those around them.

I don't know many faultless women either though.