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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need some sense knocking into me please. Lost my head putting it down to time of year I hope

121 replies

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 14:16

This is a strange one and I'm hoping that by putting this down in black and white I'll have a lightbulb moment and wake up in the real world. If not I'm hoping for some sense knocking into me.

Ok, have been in touch with a guy, quite by accident. Met over the phone (long story) back in september and have been talking and texting regularly. The longest gap in between was 5 days. We wind each other up, laugh, talk about rubbish and he puts a smile on my face. I haven't told him anything too personal.

The issue being is this:
He lives about an hour away and has a job which involves lots of traveling and where he's on call.
This is the apparent reason why we have not met. He was in the area saturday before christmas but I couldn't get away to meet him. I've said I'd drive half way and meet somewhere in the middle but its never come to anything.

I've said to him about it and broke contact a couple of times now. He says he understands and his job is a problem. (He's working on something so that he can leave this job and do something else, which will come about in easter).
My braking contact doesn't last long as he'll send a text or ring saying something funny and I reply.

As we have never met, I've been on a few dates and even have a casual thing and I'm sure he's not been sat at home twiddling his thumbs either. Well, yesterday I sent him an email saying that basically not to contact me again unless its to arrange to meet and that I had been dating etc but was tired of it and was looking for something a little more, not serious but not casual either and that I would like to meet to see if there is a spark or even to see if we would be good friends if anything.

He rang not long after I sent the email,I didn't answer, didn't know what to say but texted back saying sorry missed call gathered he'd got the mail, am about if he wants to ring again. Kicking myself for not answering and for getting caught up in something that rationally is not realistic.

I've become fond of a guy I have never even met!!!!! So what the heck am I doing?!?!! My friends have done the riot act with me but then he'll ring and I can say anything to this man and he'll wind me up about it butit's accepted and thats so refreshing but there again I still haven't met him!!!

I am usually a level headed woman, feet on the ground type of thing more of a doer thana thinker but still appear to have lost my senses....Please knock some sense into me and tell me to wake up.

OP posts:
Maidamess · 01/01/2008 14:20

It does sound like your imaginatio has maybe run away with you as you havent actually met him. saying that, lots of people chat online for a while and feel compatible.

Why won't you ring him and meet him? It doesn't have to mean anything, does it? Then at least you will know for sure, rather than guessing what if? all the time.

I don't think you need sense knocking into you, just some initiative to meet this guy and see how he is in rl!

Nightynight · 01/01/2008 14:21

Is he married`?

WideWebWitch · 01/01/2008 14:22

Bet he's married

WideWebWitch · 01/01/2008 14:23

Sept to now and oyu haven't met? Fishy imo

Vacua · 01/01/2008 14:23

do not understand why you haven't been out for a drink yet ?

sazzybeehomeforxmas · 01/01/2008 14:24

Here you go then. There is a reason why he's avoiding meeting you - he's either married or is 4 foot 3 with a face only a mother could love. As men tend to overestimate their own attractiveness in my experience, I think it's more likely to be the former.

What you need to do now is delete his number from your phone and mark his email address as spam. It can be your new year resolution. I know it's tough but it's the only way. Once you've done that, your dating real available men will become much more successful I expect because you'll be committing yourself to it, rather than hoping something will come of text guy.

Good luck

Maidamess · 01/01/2008 14:24

Doh, I hadn't thought of that. I'm so naive. It is a definate possiblity, re reading your post,plank.

Mamazon · 01/01/2008 14:27

it is deffo the time of year.

i met a guy in a bar just before Christmas, he was working locally but only lives an hour away anyway.
we had couple of really lovely nights out and i really liked him, he claimed to like me also.

he went home for Christmas and i haven't heard anything. feel like a love sick teenager most of teh time which irritates me a lot.

i have decided that its not going to happen and if/when he returns for work here i shall not meet with him again.
your best off just not answering teh phone and ignoring texts.

but hey, you already know all this. your head im afraid very rarely takes priority over our heart does it.

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 14:30

Yep I think so too, about the imagination thing. Think its because we're in touch so frequently and he has a d*mn sexy voice lol.

Would love to meet him....but theres always reason on his part why we can't (which rings alarm bells for me) but then he has been through bad time recently so gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Bad time over so I've said about meeting, last saturday he said he couldn't he really had to get on with work but then rang while he was having lunch and we talked for nearly an hour. When I got off the phone I thought we could have met and had a coffee in that time, which led me to sending the email.

OP posts:
PersephoneSnowballSnape · 01/01/2008 14:30

i would have immediately said married. i would send him an email or text like your last one , but say that you are starting to think that there is a far more serious/sinister reason than his job as to why you haven't met.

I'd give him the opportunity to explain rather than assume that he is married because us internet harpies say he is! there might be a reasonable explanation - but then my new years resolution is to try and not be quite so cynical.

Vacua · 01/01/2008 14:31

he might be an amputee or have a large port wine stain on his face or something, just ask him? or maybe he has lied about his age?

FatBellyHoHoHo · 01/01/2008 14:31

I met my OH like this.. but it was the other way round, he wanted to meet and I was too nervous.. eventually he came and found me and we've been together ever since - nearly three years

FatBellyHoHoHo · 01/01/2008 14:33

sorry, just realised that was totally unhelpful
the reason I was so nervous is that at the time he was 23 and I was 35 and the picture of me that he had seen was an extremely flattering one because I never thought anything further would come of it.

Could be that he's nervous for a similar reason

Nightynight · 01/01/2008 14:33

Maidamess, it didnt occur to me either, the first time I met one, aeons ago....now it is the first thing I check lol!

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 14:41

crossed posts with you all lol.

I've considered the married thing too. The butt ugly thing also.

I don't understand why we haven't yet either....to be honest....

I've deleted this guys number so many times now but then he contacts me and I blumin reply!!! I've even had his number saved under the name of 'DeleteMessageDoNotAnswer' as a reminder to do such when he gets in touch.

This is a new year so will only accept him arranging a time and place to meet. but I feel really sad as I enjoyed the banter. This is going to sound really pathetic but I've never known a guy who I could have such a laugh with smaewavelength with sense of humour and that. Just feel really sad and stupid today at the same time for thinking such things and that i'm not going to have that dry banter with anyone again. (oh my god just shoot me lol)

OP posts:
Maidamess · 01/01/2008 14:44

Why don't you make one more attempt at meeting him, on your terms, and if he makes an excuse again, or replies vaguely by email then you will know it twas not to be, and through no fault of yours.

It will mean he is either cripplingly shy, in prison, married, Prince Phillip or one of many other options.

pixiepip · 01/01/2008 14:49

Are you married?

I guess you are enjoying this contact with him- if you weren't, you'd follow through on your plans not to phone him back/text/email etc.

Why don't you make a definite arrangement to meet, and if he chickens out, end it - unless he has a watertight excuse for not turing in up- then give him ONE more chance only.

Don't you think it's odd though that youhave been in touch all this tie and don't know whether he has a partner? What does that say about the depth of conversation you both have?

I know he could lie- but have you never even asked the question?

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 14:53

I think I would like to do that but don't know how to come back from this email I sent??

He might think I'm a bunny boiler/mad or something since I've broken contact a few times.

Not sure if I'll hear from him again as I'd said about not contacting me unless it was to arrange a meet up.

What do I do?? to bring up that for all I know he could be married, prince phillip, prison etccc (that one very funny by the way lol) and try and arrange a meet without coming across as pestering.
He's going to america for a week or so next week should I leave it till after then and contact him?
or do I do it maybe tommorrow??? I8 men lol

I sent him a text last night wishing him a happy new year and his reply was 'Bah humbug' I replied 'I agree'

OP posts:
PersephoneSnowballSnape · 01/01/2008 14:53

i was dangling on a string for a year and a half with a guy like this - yes, ok, we did actually know each other irl, the banter was fabulous, my stomach did the whole butterflies thing anytime i caught sight of him. eventually i got sick of being taken for granted, jumping through hoops and generally being treated like an afterthought because |I deserved better.

give him one last chance, but then if you don't meet up, you do have to call it a day because this could go on for years (or until he gets bored and doesn't text you) and you shouldn't be wasting your time on someone who seems to not give a damn about you, because you deserve better to,.

PersephoneSnowballSnape · 01/01/2008 14:55

too not to. i pedantically hate myself for typos now.

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 15:01

No not married anymore. Came out of a very long marriage beginning of last year. It had been over for a while.

I have asked about his relationships and he says he's single. He;s always been open and talked about them. Conversation on saturday I brought it up again and he said he's still single.

It was me that didn't want to go into details about goings on as if he told me if he was dating then I would have to talk to him about what I was doing and I just said it felt too weird talking to him about it. he queried it a couple of times but I just said that he didn't get to know everything about me that when we met I would tell him about the embarassing dating mishaps i've had.

Because we haven't met Ive been reluctant to go onto current personal details aswell. he knows I have two children, vague things about them their ages but I won't go into detail.

OP posts:
pixiepip · 01/01/2008 15:01

Why not say that you feel you were a bit harsh about giving him an ultimatum- and that you'd like to see him?

You could email him....

But do bear in mind that he might just want an email/phone relationship...for any number of reasons.

If he backs off, you'll just have to be very honest with him- tell him what you have said here, that emailing etc for 3 months and not meeting is odd and you wonder why.

Just be more confident! What have you got to lose, eh?

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 15:08

How long should I leave it before getting back in touch to say about maybe I was a bit harsh and that i sent it because he could be =anyone for all i know?????

I don't think hell get back in touch this time, it'll have to be from me but don't know how long to leave it.

OP posts:
Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 15:13

Timescale???

OP posts:
Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 15:16

Pretty please....timescale that doesn't say complete weirdo but then not leaving it too long either. I'll make a hash of it myself.

OP posts: