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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I need some sense knocking into me please. Lost my head putting it down to time of year I hope

121 replies

Justcallmeplank · 01/01/2008 14:16

This is a strange one and I'm hoping that by putting this down in black and white I'll have a lightbulb moment and wake up in the real world. If not I'm hoping for some sense knocking into me.

Ok, have been in touch with a guy, quite by accident. Met over the phone (long story) back in september and have been talking and texting regularly. The longest gap in between was 5 days. We wind each other up, laugh, talk about rubbish and he puts a smile on my face. I haven't told him anything too personal.

The issue being is this:
He lives about an hour away and has a job which involves lots of traveling and where he's on call.
This is the apparent reason why we have not met. He was in the area saturday before christmas but I couldn't get away to meet him. I've said I'd drive half way and meet somewhere in the middle but its never come to anything.

I've said to him about it and broke contact a couple of times now. He says he understands and his job is a problem. (He's working on something so that he can leave this job and do something else, which will come about in easter).
My braking contact doesn't last long as he'll send a text or ring saying something funny and I reply.

As we have never met, I've been on a few dates and even have a casual thing and I'm sure he's not been sat at home twiddling his thumbs either. Well, yesterday I sent him an email saying that basically not to contact me again unless its to arrange to meet and that I had been dating etc but was tired of it and was looking for something a little more, not serious but not casual either and that I would like to meet to see if there is a spark or even to see if we would be good friends if anything.

He rang not long after I sent the email,I didn't answer, didn't know what to say but texted back saying sorry missed call gathered he'd got the mail, am about if he wants to ring again. Kicking myself for not answering and for getting caught up in something that rationally is not realistic.

I've become fond of a guy I have never even met!!!!! So what the heck am I doing?!?!! My friends have done the riot act with me but then he'll ring and I can say anything to this man and he'll wind me up about it butit's accepted and thats so refreshing but there again I still haven't met him!!!

I am usually a level headed woman, feet on the ground type of thing more of a doer thana thinker but still appear to have lost my senses....Please knock some sense into me and tell me to wake up.

OP posts:
foofi · 02/01/2008 08:54

We're definitely on the electoral roll - been here over 10 years.

foofi · 02/01/2008 08:58

OK, I tried the search giving more details about me, and it found me! Very weird.

northernmummy2 · 02/01/2008 09:00

The only way you cannot be on the electoral role is if you haven't registered to vote- your local council usually sends forms once a year or every 2 years- and on that form is a box you can tick to say you don't want your info available to the public. If you want your details removed from the electoral role, you'll have to contact your local council, but they prob can't do it ti;l they compile the new register, knowing councils!

You should be on one list- so if you have recently moved you might be under your old place of residence.

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 02/01/2008 09:05

sounds to me like he dooesn't want to meet

having said that i am in touch with a guy since august that i haven't met..he has asked a few times but i have either missed the call when he was near or he was doing something else when i was going to be near him

he also moved to turkey for 3 months

we chat on msn pretty often we have a new years resolution to meet up

but and this is the big but i am seeing other people and i am sure he is...after all this time i doubt we are looking at anything other than friends and flirting a lot which is what we do without meeting lol

MacavitysCat · 02/01/2008 09:09

The guy is so married. I'd bet my last mince pie on it. Honestly.

Stay away from him.

northernmummy2 · 02/01/2008 10:54

But if he's married, how does that explain his emailing and phoning all the time? Why would he want to bother, when he could presumably have an affair, with someone closer to home maybe, if that's what he really wants?

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 02/01/2008 10:55

because its fun flirting and chatting

SantaBabyBeenAnAwfulGoodGirl · 02/01/2008 10:57

i talk to guys i nevr see for that reason..it's not the same as having a rl relationship it's fantasy really

Baffy · 02/01/2008 11:11

I'd bet he is married or in a long term relationship too.

My husband had a phone/text relationship like this just 6 months after we got married. He never actually wanted to meet her. He enjoyed the banter, the attention etc.

He did then go on to have a full affair the year after that... so my only advice would be to avoid this man like the plague! The situation rings too many alarm bells for me

I met a guy who works shifts, I work full time and have a ds, and we 'clicked' quite quickly via texting and calling. Despite his nightmare shifts and me never having a minute to myself, we managed to squeeze in half an hour here and there for a drink or a coffee. It is possible to find the time if you really want to.

I really would walk away now. He's had plenty of chances already. You deserve better.

dejags · 02/01/2008 11:20

Amanda1 was a troll.. eh? Not the same Amanda who was ill and then lost a baby? I do hope not, she seemed lovely.

Back to the OP. My BS detector started screaming at me by the time I had finished reading your first paragraph. This man is ...

Married
Married
Married

I'd stake my life on it.

I know it feels fabulous to have somebody take such an interest. In my experience when somebody acts like a shady character, they are, indeed, a shady character.

Give him the boot, is my advice.

Slacker · 02/01/2008 12:14

Oh FFS, is someone not allowed to decide they don't want their private life archived on the internet without being accused of being a troll??? Amanda1 moved on from mumsnet, people do...

LobstersLass · 02/01/2008 12:49

DavidTennantsMistress

There's a link to a form (C01 form) on their website, about a quarter of the way down this page

You can either post it to them, or fax it to 0207 909 2169 and they will remove your electoral roll details.

For phone number removal you have to contact BT as the website publishes information on people that are not ex-directory.

madamez · 02/01/2008 13:18

Dear Father Xmas. You've ballsed up this year. Exactly how many copies of 'He's Just Not That INto You' did you forget to leave in people's stockings?

JCMP: never mind the married or not bit. this man is....

JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. WHy not accept it and move on?

northernmummy2 · 02/01/2008 13:34

A bit harsh- it is not easy moving on when you have feelings for someone , no matter how dodgy they might be! When someone gives out mixed signals- i.e. phoning etc, but not wanting to meet, it can be confusing, and most people's reaction is to give them the benefit of the doubt, if they like that person.

leoleo · 03/01/2008 21:01

any news??

MumRum · 03/01/2008 21:16

yeah.. come on... has he arrange a date yet??

Desiderata · 03/01/2008 21:35

I think your virtual man's been watching too much Spooks.

leoleo · 04/01/2008 22:25

the anticipation..
indulge me.. any news?

Parsleypants · 04/01/2008 23:14

Just to stick my two pennorth in... I have been in a similar situation. LET IT GO, please. There is so much sound advice on here, just walk away, he knows where to find you... if he wants to. I know how hard it is... am currently desperately trying not to text someone who has basically just been using me for a bit of rumpy pumpy (this is not the situation I described as similar to yours, it's an entirely new one, I specialise in unsuitable men ) I told him on Wednesday to poke it and he has not responded, which tells me all I need to know. If he really really wanted to meet you, he'd have arranged it by now. The start of a relationship should not be hard, it should be easy. Move on and find the person you deserve. If I can do it, so can you. Good luck.

Justcallmeplank · 06/01/2008 11:18

Just an update.
Lots of sound advice on here as parselypants said. Thank you all!! Your all stars!!

I'm moving on he just 'wasn't that into me, i just didn't want to see it.

Very embarassing!!

He got back in touch the next day a quick phone call just banter. I left it, thinking I wasn't going to chase him about meeting. Didn't hear from him.

Thought would hear from him to say that even though he tried to switch things about he couldn't and was sorry but lets meet when he gets back in a couple of weeks. I would have taken that as a not interested and kicking myself for being foolish, but he didn't even do that.

Not even a friend in my book as you at least keep your friends up to date when your trying to arrange to meet up.

and as someone said if he was interested he would have found away by now and I'm just kicking myself as I should have seen that he wasn't that into me.

Thank you for all your posts and for helping me see sense. My lesson is learned!!!!

OP posts:
leoleo · 06/01/2008 18:16

well don't be embarassed - he wouldn't know it was you if you saw him in tesco's!
dance like no ones watching - a saying but very true.

xx

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