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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Move house to save marriage?

102 replies

Cliche87 · 11/02/2022 13:00

DH is a right pain in the arse. Sometimes v kind but sometimes mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy. Etc

I have posted a few times about awful things he's said and always got LTB. And then I feel all determined and then I see him put our DC to bed so sweetly or he cooks a lovely dinner to cheer me up and I just think "what was I thinking"

His latest obsession is a hatred for our house. We bought it as our first house together during lockdown. The whole deposit is mine (sizeable as had savings plus inheritance from relative). I love the house. Near nursery. Big enough for DC to run around. And we have only been here a year

But DH hates it. Shouting fights about it. I have actually said "let's move" but he's lazy and incapable of doing stuff so nothing ever happens and he just complains

He promises he will better if we move. I would move to save the marriage and make him happier. He does absolutely hate it, the location, near a motorway etc. And now I pick up on all that stuff too and obviously marriage more important than a house

But I've got a sinking gut feeling ill regret it. That I'll end up living somewhere I don't like, spending money we can't afford, and I'll still want to leave him.

I'm so scared of losing our DC. They're only tiny. Both boys. Both adore their dad. He will tell them I've ruined their lives/family etc.

OP posts:
myothercarisaskoda · 11/02/2022 13:07

What was he doing for posters to say LTB?

Hard to help really. I searched your name and only found this post.

Lucyccfc68 · 11/02/2022 13:10

He won’t change if you move. All that will happen is you will be unhappy and he will still be selfish and lazy.

Original poster
Cliche87 · 11/02/2022 13:14

Yeah. I'm embarrassed about previous posts. Sorry. That's not helpful of me

Plus points: funny, great and so loving to DC, trustworthy, wants to spend all his time with us, never looked at another woman.

Negatives: sexist, immature, relies on me for everything, gamer, lazy, gets nasty in arguments, literally says he needs me to mother him.

OP posts:
Soundwave · 11/02/2022 13:15

Do you honestly 100% believe that he will change if you move?

What was he like before you moved into this house?

I know that being in a crap house can bring you down. DH and I lived in an awful street for ten years and it did bring us down. Moving house into a nicer house and area did snowball into making us both feel better. BUT I knew that DH and I had both been happier before the house from hell. So I knew it was the real problem.

Soundwave · 11/02/2022 13:15

@Cliche87

Yeah. I'm embarrassed about previous posts. Sorry. That's not helpful of me

Plus points: funny, great and so loving to DC, trustworthy, wants to spend all his time with us, never looked at another woman.

Negatives: sexist, immature, relies on me for everything, gamer, lazy, gets nasty in arguments, literally says he needs me to mother him.

Just read your update. Do you honestly believe moving house will fix the negatives?
Original poster
Cliche87 · 11/02/2022 13:21

He's puts all his negatives of being a lazy manchild down to anxiety and has just started therapy. He says therapy and new house and he's going to start a new job too and will be a fresh start for us.

I don't even believe it. I just feel so crushed at the thought of what's going happen to DC. I feel like I'm staring at years of awful horrendous stuff of him taking me to court, telling my DS that mummy has ruined everything etc.

My gut is telling me to leave now. My head is telling me that practically splitting up will be a disaster for so many people and to keep trying e..g move house etc

OP posts:
myothercarisaskoda · 11/02/2022 13:24

Your last paragraph says it all. This isn't something I'd put up with, ever!

myothercarisaskoda · 11/02/2022 13:25

And moving house won't change this!

TheUndoingProject · 11/02/2022 13:25

God just leave him. I imagine if you say to him that you need his behaviour and treatment of you to improve before you commit to moving then he’d change absolutely nothing? So why make huge changes for him when he’s clearly not prepared to do the same for you? The house has nothing to do with the way he’s treating you, he’s emotionally blackmailing you into getting what he wants. He’s choosing to treat you like shit.

AdhdFridaysss · 11/02/2022 13:27

Why would you lose your DC? Sorry I don't get that part.

Your H sounds rubbish btw. Don't think even moving to a mansion in the Cotswolds would change that.

TheBeesKnee · 11/02/2022 13:27

I think you two need a breather from each other. He should move out for 3-6 months as a trial separation.

Definitely don't move house to make him happy though, especially if you're happy where you are.

Pegasussnail · 11/02/2022 13:28

I wouldn't leave the house. Also get legal advice.

Dyrene · 11/02/2022 13:30

Moving house will not change who he is. It will just change the location in which he isn’t being nice to you. And he’ll find a different pretext for why it’s not his fault.

From personal experience, I know this to be true. My ex and I had a really nice house. Very affordable and conveniently located for everything we needed. Big enough for everyone plus room to spare.

But my ex was a pain in the arse. And fixated on the fact you could hear the neighbours. So I agreed to move to a detached house in a much less convenient location. It was a lovely house. But he was still a pain in the arse and he just shifted his irritating fixations from noise to drainage.

We split up. Annoyingly I’d have been able to buy him out of the house we’d moved from but couldn’t do so in the new one. With hindsight, I should have kept the first house and ditched the idiot when I had the chance.

Original poster
Cliche87 · 11/02/2022 13:40

@AdhdFridaysss

Why would you lose your DC? Sorry I don't get that part.

Your H sounds rubbish btw. Don't think even moving to a mansion in the Cotswolds would change that.

My H left his job to look after our DC because his job made him too anxious. The DC are still in nursery part time but he is currently the care giver and I'm the worker right now. But in reality I still do so much childcare and all housework and admin. He is going back to work in the summer though. Perhaps I need to wait until then.
OP posts:
Original poster
Cliche87 · 11/02/2022 13:46

He wasn't always this bad though. He always says "through better and worse" and I feel like I'm giving up. I imagine a new house and new job and maybe things will get better. We survived still born baby, lockdown and suicide of a my best friend in the last 2 years. And we are still trying. And all he wants is to move.

But he is so useless. He says all down to mental health but when I'm working full time and doing housework etc and he's playing video games it's pretty difficult to not dream about kicking him out

OP posts:
surlycurly · 11/02/2022 13:46

You're delaying the inevitable. I moved for my DH and as a result was socially isolated for years and drew out out relationship for at least 5 more than I should have. And when I divorced him he was an odious bastard, but then he met wife number two and forgot all about us (kids included). I'm sad for them but ultimately it's spares then being being patented by an arsehole. Kids don't stay wee and cute forever- they'll cause him mega anxiety too at some point. Do you really want to young adults putting up with this behaviour? You know what you have to do.

Thingsdogetbetter · 11/02/2022 13:47

Changes made first with consistent engagement with therapy. Then after months of not being a twat, you can look again at moving. That will give you breathing room until he starts work and can't pretend he is the samp

He's trying to run away from his problems, but they are an inherent part of him. That why he gets obsessions - he focuses blame on an external issue, and when that is removed, he moves on to blaming another. They'll just follow you to new home and it'll all start again with something else.

HaggisBurger · 11/02/2022 13:51

LTB and use the money you’d have wasted on stamp duty, legal & agent fees, removals to get some good legal advice and a new home.

He sounds dire.

MaChienEstUnDick · 11/02/2022 13:52

Don't move. You'll end up spending money you can ill afford, and it won't change a thing.

Let me guess, before it was his job that was the big issue.

So he left his job.

And now it's the house.

So you'll leave the house.

And then it will be something else... Probably the job again.

Also he can't be 'great and so loving to the DCs' AND 'relying on you for everything'.

I suspect irl he's nice to his kids but doesn't actually do much to look after them, or you. I mean, that's a fairly low bar isn't it?

That all said, I wouldn't initiate anything while he (on paper) is the main carer. I'd wait till the summer too.

Flamingo49 · 11/02/2022 13:54

You know you want to leave but you're too scared to do so, because of how you anticipate he will behave. I get that and you have my full sympathy. Can I ask, if he told you tomorrow he was leaving and moved out, how would you feel?

IcicleIcicle · 11/02/2022 14:02

Can you stall him on the house til the summer do you think OP? I would be concerned about him appearing to be main care giver too. Are there jobs (decorating etc) you could insist need doing before you could sell? It doesn't sound like he'll do them with any urgency so that would buy you some time.

Original poster
Cliche87 · 11/02/2022 14:06

@Flamingo49

You know you want to leave but you're too scared to do so, because of how you anticipate he will behave. I get that and you have my full sympathy. Can I ask, if he told you tomorrow he was leaving and moved out, how would you feel?
Relieved.
OP posts:
oakleaffy · 11/02/2022 14:10

@Lucyccfc68

He won’t change if you move. All that will happen is you will be unhappy and he will still be selfish and lazy.
@Cliche87 My DH used to say “I hate this house!!”

In retrospect, after his affair and divorce , “The House” was a hook to blame the problems in our relationship on.

Every time he gets unhappy he moves.

Married 3 times.

DON’T move.

Crunchingleaf · 11/02/2022 14:16

Your gut is telling you that nothing will change by moving house. You put up all the money for the deposit and now as the sole earner I am guessing your paying the mortgage. Go get legal advice.
One regret I have is I didn’t leave my ex sooner. My poor DS was subjected to a bad atmosphere for far too long.
Kids can be very savvy and you would be surprised how they can see through people. Is he the type of parent that is only interested in doing the fun stuff and leaves you to be the bad guy or the one who has to do all the heavy lifting. Kids do know which parent is reliable and is always there for them.

Flamingo49 · 11/02/2022 14:19

^You know you want to leave but you're too scared to do so, because of how you anticipate he will behave. I get that and you have my full sympathy. Can I ask, if he told you tomorrow he was leaving and moved out, how would you feel?

Relieved.^

Ok well there is your answer. Wait till he's back at work in the summer and use this time to start working out what you want to happen. Get some good legal advice, check out what benefits you're entitled to, options for childcare etc.