Move house to save marriage?

[Cliche87]

DH is a right pain in the arse. Sometimes v kind but sometimes mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy. Etc

I have posted a few times about awful things he's said and always got LTB. And then I feel all determined and then I see him put our DC to bed so sweetly or he cooks a lovely dinner to cheer me up and I just think "what was I thinking"

His latest obsession is a hatred for our house. We bought it as our first house together during lockdown. The whole deposit is mine (sizeable as had savings plus inheritance from relative). I love the house. Near nursery. Big enough for DC to run around. And we have only been here a year

But DH hates it. Shouting fights about it. I have actually said "let's move" but he's lazy and incapable of doing stuff so nothing ever happens and he just complains

He promises he will better if we move. I would move to save the marriage and make him happier. He does absolutely hate it, the location, near a motorway etc. And now I pick up on all that stuff too and obviously marriage more important than a house

But I've got a sinking gut feeling ill regret it. That I'll end up living somewhere I don't like, spending money we can't afford, and I'll still want to leave him.

I'm so scared of losing our DC. They're only tiny. Both boys. Both adore their dad. He will tell them I've ruined their lives/family etc.

But it doesn't matter I'm doing it all. On paper he's quit his job to be the SAHP.

It does actually.

Being unemployed is NOT the same as being a SAHP.
You need to document how little he does for kids & house, how much you do, & talk to a lawyer.
Make sure it's not the lawyer who didn't bother to talk to you about ringfencing, though.

Yes, DC are already in PT childcare. DH has them 50% of the time and the other 50% he is meant to be sorting his life/head out. He couldn't cope with them full time.

There you go then.
He is not a SAHP.
He's a cocklodger who never does a night wake, & leaves all the housekeeping & parenting to you.

LAWYER, OP! It is really important that you document that H cannot cope with full time parenthood, even when his wife is subsidising him.

He often says he would rather be the "homemaker" and then he doesn't know what women have been complaining about all these years.

That's because he's never stepped up to being a homemaker FFS.
He hasn't got a clue.

You'll be moving the same man, the same relationship, the same problems and same moods to a different stage where he will perform his one-man show "Total Twat" to the very same script he's using now.

Nothing will change.

You sound like you're afraid to leave. That fear can tell you how you really feel about the person you are with, whether you trust them, whether you think they are a decent person, how your life with them will be in the future, whether you feel respected.

I had this with exP. I realised I couldn't rely on them with any task and that I didn't trust their judgement or their behaviour to me and they didn't seem to like me very much. In a way it helped that we had just moved to our dream house. The move was meant to be freeing, but I had done all the heavy lifting for it and once in the house they carried on being useless and none of the dreams were coming true. I felt trapped. I didn't like what I saw in my future. I had nightmares about this needy person becoming even more needy and being engulfed by them. I was almost overwhelmed with guilt when I told them it was over, it was hideous, but it was the right thing for me.

If you think someone is going to punish you and hurt you for leaving them, and try to destroy your relationship with your kids that's important information. Most people manage not to do that even when they're heartbroken. Maybe he won't? How much of that is your fear and how much is based on what you know about him? If he's given you reason to believe this that's also important information.

People break up, it's sad, and often one person really wishes it wasn't so. But while it's hard it does get better and life goes on. That's what you can tell your kids if you go down this route. I think they will believe you.

Can you talk to someone about what's going on, maybe a few sessions with a therapist. It can really help to say things out loud in a safe space. Also, definitely get legal advice. Knowing your legal position and options will help and give you confidence no matter what you decide to do.

mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy

Moving house won't change this at all! Don't fall for it.

You'll just end up spending loads of money to live somewhere you don't like and he will be just the same. He will always find an excuse for his behaviour as long as you continue to allow it.

Do you really want your DC growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to treat women?

I really think you need to spilt up. Do not move house.

I agree with you needing to confide in your family or friend and see if you can speak to a counselor.

Ring up some solicitors and find out your legal rights.

You'd truly be better off without him.
Eventually his nastiness will spill out onto the DC.

I should also say that despite all the fear, pain, guilt (me) and serious guilt tripping (from them) of the break up, they're remarried now and seem happy and I so am I.

Sa

Saw your title and thought ‘we did and it worked’….but then I read on. We both loved the house we left (and hate the house we moved to…..but that’s another thread). Our marriage got better because we moved near family and got help.
I don’t think I would move if I were you op. I don’t think you’d husband will change.

The only thing keeping you trapped in this miserable marriage is you.

You would make the biggest mistake of your life if you sell that house. That husband of yours will never change. Get a solicitor and set yourself free from him. He's fucking awful. The only regret you will have is that you stayed as long as you did.

I remember that other thread. I hope you manage to leave. This is no life. There are better things out there for you. Don't move. It won't fix this.

He'll be overly anxious and "fragile" wherever you live.

Does he want to move you away from your support network? Friends/Family by any chance?

You will go to the expense and effort of moving house to find the end of the rainbow that does not exist. All your problems are coming with you as they are coming from source: him.

Stay where you are, and tell him unless he pulls himself together then he can no longer stay as the children can not around this kind of behaviour. They are tiny and deserve to grow up in a safe, loving and peaceful home. Not one fraught with nasty arguments and blazing rows because of his 'anxiety'

I would start making a record of his behaviour, filming discreetly his outbursts, print off his texts and keep a track of everything and if this goes to court you will have all the evidence you need to prove that he is not capable of caring for the children.

I would line up everything op, and give him six months in therapy whilst saving and planning and covering my bases. You can not carry on like this, he is abusing you and blaming bad mental health. If his MH is really so poor then he needs to move out back to his parents to get better. You can not care for him and two tiny children and hold down a FT job - you will burn out.

Wow OP this is like reading my life.

I'm in exactly the same place now that you were in Feb. In fact I think I was in this place in Feb and we've possibly lived identical years.

My husband is very similar to yours, defensive, selfish, always thinks he's right, stubborn, and can be so incredibly hurtful.
I would say the BIG pluses is A. how tidy, and good at doing the housework he is, and B. how he is as a father, he is brilliant, and as such my DS adores him.

My friends think I'm crazy to want to leave him, he seems the perfect husband from the outside. But on the inside, in our four walls, he is so difficult to talk to, compromise with, and I'm always left mentally drained and shrunken.

We have a plan to move house in 2023, and have spent this year scouting new locations. I've been the one that's wanted to move for years, we moved away from family in 2011 for his work, and I've hated it. Now with remote working we can move back to an area closer to family. But is it the right thing for our relationship, or will this kill us?

We too have been through a still birth. I understand how hard that is and how it never really leaves you as a mum. Its strange thinking how my DH reacted and handled that situation, he was my rock. Not how I would describe him now! Now it's more like he IS a rock and I'm crushed under him.

We started seeing a couples therapist in August. That has helped, but I feel we are at a precipice at the moment, it could swing either way. The therapy has highlighted that my DH has a mind that is what they call neuro-divergent or more specifically is autistic. I on the other hand, have a neurotypical mind. This is the route cause of all of our communication issues. It is really bizarre as all the traits that indicated to the therapist that he was autistic were the traits I feel in love with him for....Logical, deep, sensible, passionate and dedicated about his career, and a little lost and in need of guidance on social matters. Now I see all those traits in an opposite way....Logical = Unemotional, Deep = Lost in his mind, sensible = unspontaneous, passionate = obsessed, and he is no longer willing to be guided, in fact it is seen as an insult if I try.

I was when we started out, his emotional half, but I feel like I have been fired from that role.

I'm not sure how my story is going to end I've been so close to leaving him this year, I'm surprised I'm still here. Actually no I'm not, I know why I'm still here, for my DS. No matter how separation plays out, It will mean I see less of my DS and he sees less of his Dad.

Where are you now, how did the summer pan out?

He promises he will better if we move.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

That will last 5 minutes, after YOU have done all the work (& no doubt absorbed all the costs) of moving. He might even put his own DC to bed "sweetly" & take a turn cooking "for you".

Then you will have lost the family home you love, & he will find something else to be so discontented about that YOUR entire life still revolves around HIS feelings.

Can you not see what a low bar you set for him?
He steps up to a household chore/everyday childcare once in a while & you reckon that's enough to forgive everything else & stay shackled to this moaning minnie?

I'm so scared of losing our DC. They're only tiny. Both boys. Both adore their dad. He will tell them I've ruined their lives/family etc.
Look - ditch the man, keep your beloved house & boys.
They ALL threaten this. Your man is too lazy to see it though. He'll probably even expect YOU to sort out his new accommodation when you split, he's so strategically incompetent.

Mummy isn't ruining anyone's lives. Daddy did that, with his mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy. Etc behaviour.

You'll feel better, more in control & assured of yourself, once you have found a really good lawyer. Do that - without informing him - to get an idea of how you can manage to stay in the family home while he moves out.
If it's impossible financially - well you're going to have to move anyway. Just NOT with him in tow.

You'll get through this by sticking to your guns OP. Lawyer up, & keep posting for advice. Knowledge is power, & you need to find out how you can tackle your biggest problem - a man you no longer want to live with.

Even if you move “wherever you go, there you are.” He’s hanging his hat on moving house to change his personality it won’t.

when I read your first post I thought it sounded like mental health. Doesn’t sound like he copes and the always being frustrated/angry sounds like depression. Is he on any meds?

Was he always like this?

I think waiting until he starts work… keeping a diary are all good ideas. Maybe don’t let him know about the diary but could you playback some of his behaviour and ask how it’s going to get addressed through counseling?

I am not sure he’d go after DC’s if it meant more admin, he doesn’t sound like he is bothered (though maybe a divorce will motivate him!?).

I think breaking up later will be harder on DC’s and if you think it’s inevitable it might be worth doing once he’s back at work.

Zombie but I remember this thread from first time around and would live to know what happened. Did OP agree to live house? Did the DP suddenly find his life all fell into place?

@Cliche87

Crikey why have I revived it! Thought it was an active thread!!!

This is exactly what I would do, play the long game to get this man out of your life.

@ChipsAndMayos

Same house. Same husband. Same problems

Yes, I think this would be wise. He needs to not be the SAHP when you end it.

Just don't do it OP. You've built a life for yourself and what happens if he doesn't change? I'll tell you that you'll be stuck somewhere with no friends, all the money spent and no way out of the relationship.

Moving completely suits his agenda because it isolates you and makes you dependent on him. Save yourself the hassle and kick him out.

Praying that the house is in your name at least

I'm sorry to hear that, although pleased you haven't left the house you love.