Move house to save marriage?

[Cliche87]

DH is a right pain in the arse. Sometimes v kind but sometimes mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy. Etc

I have posted a few times about awful things he's said and always got LTB. And then I feel all determined and then I see him put our DC to bed so sweetly or he cooks a lovely dinner to cheer me up and I just think "what was I thinking"

His latest obsession is a hatred for our house. We bought it as our first house together during lockdown. The whole deposit is mine (sizeable as had savings plus inheritance from relative). I love the house. Near nursery. Big enough for DC to run around. And we have only been here a year

But DH hates it. Shouting fights about it. I have actually said "let's move" but he's lazy and incapable of doing stuff so nothing ever happens and he just complains

He promises he will better if we move. I would move to save the marriage and make him happier. He does absolutely hate it, the location, near a motorway etc. And now I pick up on all that stuff too and obviously marriage more important than a house

But I've got a sinking gut feeling ill regret it. That I'll end up living somewhere I don't like, spending money we can't afford, and I'll still want to leave him.

I'm so scared of losing our DC. They're only tiny. Both boys. Both adore their dad. He will tell them I've ruined their lives/family etc.

Whenever or wherever you move to your problems will move with you.
Same problems just in a different house and location. That’s an absolute fact.

Can you see another 5 or 10 years living like this and being happy?

You moved during lockdown?! It will cost a fortune to move again so soon, never mind all the red flags in your posts

If he gets a job surely you would have more money to spend on the DC, seems like a better solution than moving house to ‘save money’. I would try to string him along until he has a job though. I think you’d be in a better position re divorce if he is no longer SAHP. Is he likely to get one soon? What is his profession?

That frying pan incident is horrendous. It’s not good for your kids to live around that kind of behaviour, no matter how sweetly he puts them to bed.

Nope.
He'll just move on to the next thing he'll decide is the problem.

Even if you feel you don't deserve to be free can you think of it as saving your children from growing up thinking this is what a relationship looks like and replicating it in their own relationships and potentially suffering the same unhappiness you do?

I’d say I need two things to move house - you back at work so the money front isn’t a challenge, I can’t take the stress of buying another house on without two incomes, and you need to show me you’ve changed, THEN we move, because I am not going through that stress to find same angry rude sexist you putting me down all the time, shouting and not looking after dc when I’m working, just in a different house.
You won’t get the second one, but they are good reasons to hold off until he doesn’t look like the primary carer on paper anymore.

There was a poster in a very similar situation who posted recently - husband paranoid about safety gates being left open, worked part-time but did very little to care for the DC in practice, hyper anxious, needed mothering etc. Not sure if that was also you,OP? If so, it does sound intolerable and I would recommend getting legal advice now. In addition, I would document every example of his behaviour that could demonstrate his inability to be proper full-time carer for the kids. Every time he shouts, every time he neglects them, every time he does something that could scare them. Keep a diary, take notes and pictures. At the same time, document everything YOU do for the kids - even small things like sewing on labels etc, as this will help build up a picture for the court. It sounds a horrible thing to do, but at the end of the day he’s going to fight dirty and you need to be prepared to do the same. Start doing it today. When the court case comes, you need to be able to present a wealth of evidence to the court that YOU are the main career and he is not capable of looking after the kids full time.

"His obsession with the house is all about the DC. He doesn't think the house is safe, wants less road noise, wants to reduce mortgage costs to spend more on DC etc. "
Is it about dc? They are happy in the house. As are you. Upheaval is stressful for children, especially when their parents are already struggling and there are mental health issue in the mix. His safety issues- any more than any other house? Steep stairs? An open fire? A pond in the garden? Windows too easily opened? And on and on- very very very few houses are ideally safe for young children. That's why we childproof and monitor children whilst growing up. The location?! Surely they are too young to feel they are in the "wrong " side of town?! Near a motorway? Great transport links then. The house is a red herring imo. And what's more even if it is t - he should accept that for better for worse, it's in his children's and wife's best interest to stay there until his mental health is stable and other factors in the relationship are sorted.

It's madness to move home in an attempt to reduce stress! Let alone to fix a marriage. Throwing good money after bad. And the same is said for your emotional investment btw. Throwing good after bad.

Ps- getting up and giving you a lie in, after you've done the night wakes isn't a favour or super nice. It's basic and frankly when you are working full time and dealing with 50% childcare, and seemingly all the mental load of life- he should be doing the night and giving you the lies in. Your bar is set far too low

Just rip the plaster off - get it over quick and LTB.

@Crocadoodledoo - It was me actually. I don't know you spotted that. Bloody hell. I don't know what to do.

This morning he was in a foul mood and I heard his say under his breath 'oh shut up you silly bitch' to a woman on the news on TV.

And I just shuddered. Sometimes I think he is so awful I can't believe what I've done. But then other times I want to help him, and he's funny, and he's loving to me and the kids. But mostly I just can't imagine handing the kids over to him EOW or more. I just can't. I know they are his kids. But I'm not sure he's stable enough to have them by himself, particularly given he will be much, much worse mentally because he will hate me so much.

I think when you're unhappy in your relationship it's easy to fixate on something which should happen to fix everything. But if you're unhappy in one house you'll be unhappy in another. I was in an awful relationship with exh, we became fixated on moving back abroad to fix the problems but as soon as we got there he was awful. If you can't be happy together in one place you won't ever be happy together. You need to find some courage to take control of this situation & end it. Some men even though they are utterly miserable will not leave the relationship, maybe they don't want the guilt of leaving their wife with the kids, so you have to do it

[quote Cliche87]@Crocadoodledoo - It was me actually. I don't know you spotted that. Bloody hell. I don't know what to do.

This morning he was in a foul mood and I heard his say under his breath 'oh shut up you silly bitch' to a woman on the news on TV.

And I just shuddered. Sometimes I think he is so awful I can't believe what I've done. But then other times I want to help him, and he's funny, and he's loving to me and the kids. But mostly I just can't imagine handing the kids over to him EOW or more. I just can't. I know they are his kids. But I'm not sure he's stable enough to have them by himself, particularly given he will be much, much worse mentally because he will hate me so much.[/quote]
But what is living like this doing to them?

Burying your head in the sand and making decisions based on fear isn't going to help you improve your life or their lives.

I think you know what to do but don't want to do it. You're not helpless, you have the power to make choices.

Of course he won't change if you move. Can you afford to live there alone?

Your last sentence of your initial post: If you genuinely believe he is so vile a person that he would use your kids against you like that - why the fuck would you want him anywhere near you.

The bare minimum in a partner should be that they are a nice human being. He is literally the opposite of that!

Run.

I think you need to think tactically. Agree to sell the house, but we need to do x y and and first before we can market it. He needs to get a job so you can get a better mortgage.
Yes everything will be better when we’ve moved and you’ve got a new job. Once he’s out a work he’s no longer the sahp. Get advice from a solicitor in the meantime.

My head is telling me that practically splitting up will be a disaster for so many people and to keep trying e..g move house etc

Staying will be a disaster for you and your child.

OP you sound as if you’re only staying because you are scared of him and his behaviour if you leave. It really isn’t fair on you or DC. I would get some proper legal advice about what’s likely with custody (not just generic free initial chat). To be honest, it sounds less like he’s a SAHP and more like he’s taking a career break for mental health (which is obviously fine but it’s not Sahp!)

Please don't move. I had a 'D'H who was always going to be happy. with the next thing....at one time it was a caravan. Suprise, suprise, it didn't make him happy. Motorbikes, another car, yada yada. Eventually he started looking for a new wife to make him happy, as the old one obviously didn't. And guess what, he's now been married to her for 10 years, and neither of them look happy. So please don't let your house and peace of mind fall casualty to this. Some people are just never happy. Don't let him drag you down with him.

Yeah - @MauraDeLaura - you're right. He is not SAHP. But he in on paper. Today, I am working from home - one DC is in nursery, the other with a childminder, and DH is god knows where after storming out because I said I didn't remember what I ordered on the house shop (something he said he would do now he's off work but hasn't - and I don't mean going to a shop, I mean literally pressing buttons on an app - he said it was my fault I didn't remind him to do it)

DEAR GOD. How is this my life? I feel so terribly stupid and guilty.

He sounds awful OP. I'm sorry. But you just need to get him out of the house.

I remember some of your other threads. Firstly, don't beat yourself up or feel guilty about it - people get into abusive or dysfunctional relationships all the time. Amazing, fabulous, brilliant people. You don't get hindsight at the start.

Secondly, I agree with everything @Crocadoodledoo said. Get legal advice, do everything you can to encourage him back to work and do the diary thing to document the reality of the situation.

If he was actually doing a job, he would have more money to spend on DC
If he was actually being the SAHP, then that would free up money you currently spend on childcare.
He presumably was involved in choosing this house ? Why did he agree to buy it.. Everyone & everything seem to be at fault...but he should look at his own mistakes.
IMHO He sounds childish & is "fragile" because he is an entitled idiot.
He isn't even able to mind the DC part time when you are WFH.
Can you stall on the house sale, it costs money to move, you are the only provider atm. & wait till he gets back to work, to do the inevitable split

You're not stupid.

It sounds like he wants to move, but expects you to leap into action and make it happen. Has he actually put any effort into the process? If he can't be arsed to order the shopping I can't see any effort in organising a house move.
My take is, he shouts, moans, blames his MH and you solve all the problems. He should be supporting YOU as the person working FT
Him getting up at 5.30 isn't much effort considering you do the night waking. He sounds a petulant little child, stomping off and shouting when things don't go his way. He's tantruming so you leap into action to resolve any problems he has.
I would keep my powder dry until he goes back to work, then reassess the situation with a view to separate. When he moans about the house, bat it back, make him sort out a solution. You don't have time

He promises he will better if we move.

Come off it OP. A house move doesn't install a personality transplant.

You will do all the work of moving, & he will continue being
mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy.
Also a bad-tempered shouter.

You need to stop fooling yourself that him being capable of putting his own child to bed or cooking dinner now & then is indicative of a decent partner. That - & much more - should be a given. Your bar is way to low.

Is your extra investment in the property riingfenced?
Far from moving, I think you should - very quietly - go & see a good divorce lawyer. You don't have to make any "LTB" decisions yet, but you DO need to know how you will stand financially, legally & practically when you are finally ready to accept that your whinging, complaining, ungrateful twat of a husband is unbearable to live with.

OP I am so sorry about the loss of your best friend.

But please take a look at how you portrayed this: "we survived ... etc".
Funny how HIS mental health is more affected than yours over the death of YOUR friend, isn't it?

What steps has he taken to improve his anxiety & MH?
Why are you the sole breadwinner, but still doing the majority childcare & housework?

He is selling you pie in the sky to get what he wants OP.
I think you should tell him you are not prepared to move until he steps the fuck up. Gets back to work, stops shouting & bitching & telling you he needs 'mothering' (bleugh!) from you.

Once he's back at work - divorce the fucker.
Because this lazy arsehole will take every penny he can from you if you allow him to pretend that he's the main childcare provider.