Move house to save marriage?

[Cliche87]

DH is a right pain in the arse. Sometimes v kind but sometimes mean, neurotic, selfish, lazy. Etc

I have posted a few times about awful things he's said and always got LTB. And then I feel all determined and then I see him put our DC to bed so sweetly or he cooks a lovely dinner to cheer me up and I just think "what was I thinking"

His latest obsession is a hatred for our house. We bought it as our first house together during lockdown. The whole deposit is mine (sizeable as had savings plus inheritance from relative). I love the house. Near nursery. Big enough for DC to run around. And we have only been here a year

But DH hates it. Shouting fights about it. I have actually said "let's move" but he's lazy and incapable of doing stuff so nothing ever happens and he just complains

He promises he will better if we move. I would move to save the marriage and make him happier. He does absolutely hate it, the location, near a motorway etc. And now I pick up on all that stuff too and obviously marriage more important than a house

But I've got a sinking gut feeling ill regret it. That I'll end up living somewhere I don't like, spending money we can't afford, and I'll still want to leave him.

I'm so scared of losing our DC. They're only tiny. Both boys. Both adore their dad. He will tell them I've ruined their lives/family etc.

Sorry my quote option isn't working!

Your previous relieved response says it all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Please do not continue to do your bit here in showing them such a crap and otherwise dysfunctional role model of one.

Do not further kick the can down the road here by moving house (he will just act the same in a new place) and make plans to separate as soon as you feel able to do so. It would not do you any harm at all to seek legal advice re separation and divorce; after all knowledge here is power.

"My gut is telling me to leave now. My head is telling me that practically splitting up will be a disaster for so many people and to keep trying e..g move house etc"

I would listen to your gut here. Why would splitting up be a disaster for so many people?. For whom would it be a disaster. It really would not be and the sky would not fall in. It would really be a disaster for you and in turn your children who are also learning from their dad about relationships here.

Given how he is I daresay he would not be bothered with his children in the long term either. That is his choice and would also be all on him.

Moving house as a cure for laziness - that's a new one. Seriously you're situation sounds awful, but I totally agree with others, moving house is not the answer.

Moving house is one of the most stressful things you can do, along with death of a spouse and divorce, and that's with a good strong relationship between partners. So how would that play alongside his anxiety - you'd end up doing all the work associated with moving, for a move you don't want to make.

Moving house also costs money - money up front and with only one of you working that will effect your mortgage options.

I like the suggestion -
Changes made first with consistent engagement with therapy. Then after months of not being a twat, you can look again at moving

Like you and everyone else, I really don't think moving house will be the cure-all for either your DH's mental health issues, his general laziness and non-participation in family life or your poor relationship.

He does participate in family life. His obsession with the house is all about the DC. He doesn't think the house is safe, wants less road noise, wants to reduce mortgage costs to spend more on DC etc.

He's very very sweet with DC. Gets up with them at 5.30am every morning so I can get some sleep (I do all night wakes).

But also today he was upset about something to do with the house and screamed in the kitchen and I thought was about to throw the frying pan at the wall. And then after his outburst he said "stop looking at me like that. I'm fragile today"

Tell him you'll sell the house when he's back in work full time because that would better for mortgage etc.
Then put your kids into full time nursery - sell it to him as for their social skills or as preparing them for school.
Then make plans to ltb. Buy him out if you can afford to do so. Don't do anything until he cannot make the case of bring primary carer/needing spousal support.
You have to play the long game but he's not going to get better. This is who he is.

How does he participate in family life here?. As MyChienisaDick wrote earlier in response to your earlier comment, "he can't be 'great and so loving to" the DCs' AND 'relying on you for everything'.

I suspect irl he's nice to his kids but doesn't actually do much to look after them, or you. I mean, that's a fairly low bar isn't it?".

And if he can win you over by seeing him put the DC to bed nicely or making you dinner, that is indeed a really low bar you have set for yourself here. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What are you getting out of this with him now?.

@Cliche87

He's puts all his negatives of being a lazy manchild down to anxiety and has just started therapy. He says therapy and new house and he's going to start a new job too and will be a fresh start for us.

I don't even believe it. I just feel so crushed at the thought of what's going happen to DC. I feel like I'm staring at years of awful horrendous stuff of him taking me to court, telling my DS that mummy has ruined everything etc.

My gut is telling me to leave now. My head is telling me that practically splitting up will be a disaster for so many people and to keep trying e..g move house etc

Did you ringfence the deposit?

I hope so.

But don't move for him.

Im sore you've posted about this before, if you have them a new house won't solve any problems.

It'll be something else once you're in a new house. But by them you'll have lost your lovely house, deposit and a year down the line.

Your first loss is the best loss, at least you could keep the house in the divorce and your dc will have the security if being in a house they know and in a school they know and with you.

I've never known anxiety be cured by moving house

A new home won't make any difference at all to this man. As for anxiety causing laziness, that's just crazy. I'd encourage him into work asap then kick him out.

Can you string him along without moving until he gets a job then divorce him.

This is the cycle of abuse - nice moments as bait to keep you in the trap. Same as the lure of promises to change if only you would do xyz...

But you know that from your previous posts.

It is totally within your power to leave him - you make a different choice and you stick to it. There is no magic spell. You decide.

You're choosing to stay. So choose to leave instead.

And before you dismiss me, I've done it. I do know it's hard. It's still totally possible if you choose it.

Whatever you do
Won't make him happy
So leave him to his life
Go where you want with dc
Arrange suitable arrangements for contact

Sorry, moving house will not fix your relationship. If anything it will be a bandaid, the underlying issues will always be present

It'll cost a lot to move so soon after buying, money you won't get back.
I agree with everyone else, get him back to work before you do anything.

There was a poster in a similar position who posted yesterday:her husband has depression;is in and out of work and actually do anything to contribute.

You've paid for the house,are paying for nursery,working full time and are no doubt doing pretty much doing all the cooking,shopping,cleaning,laundry,carrying the mental load whilst this man child sits on his arse at home playing games whilst coasting along doing the absolute bare minimum and behaving like an absolute cunt towards you.

He won't get any better and he won't go back to work either;he's got it too and easy.

Moving house won't help.He can move house if he wants.Alone.

Honestly he contributes nothing useful.He's abusing you.Boot him out,get a shit hot solicitor and sort some extra childcare that's not him.

See how quick he gets himself some work once his meal ticket tells him to fuck off.

And I've just read you do the night wakings even though your the only one working;jeez he's properly taking advantage of you.

Short term tell him he needs to find a job and if he wants to move house crack on with it all.

Long term get your ducks in a row and end it.

Tell him if he wants to move house he first needs to find where he wants to move, then find a job there and hold it down for 6 months (I'm assuming he doesn't want to move to the other side of the country). I can't tell though - is he lazy or is he a SAHD? Will you have to pay childcare if he gets a job? He doesn't sound particularly stable so it's hard to know what to make of it all.

The deposit is not ring fenced. The solicitor didn't even tell me I could do that. He just said as we were married we would jointly own the home even though all the deposit was mine.

He is a SAHD. But I work from home a lot since covid so am juggling a lot. So for example I will be on a conference call and then my toddler will run into the room and sit on my lap and my H will say later "i couldn't stop him"

But it doesn't matter I'm doing it all. On paper he's quit his job to be the SAHP.

Do not move house. This will eat into your money via legal fees/ stamp duty.

Your deposit could not have been ringfenced (assuming you were already married with children and he is a SAHP), so that is a moot point. And anyone saying differently is a hypocrite as if this was a reverse with a male saying his wife was a SAHM and he wanted to ringfence his deposit? He would be lynched.

He isn’t working. You have young children to whom on paper he is primary carer. As the main earner you could very easily be on the hook for him having trying to argue he retains role as primary carer to the children and you are paying spousal etc.

What a situation.

Can you afford to place the children in formal childcare and encourage him to get some form of work?

I wouldn’t make any moves in your situation without legal advice

@sassbott Yes, DC are already in PT childcare. DH has them 50% of the time and the other 50% he is meant to be sorting his life/head out. He couldn't cope with them full time. He knows that really. He is meant to be going back to work FT. The youngest DC is 11 months so surely they wouldn't take him away from me. DH is exhausted having them both for an afternoon so he wouldn't cope full time. But he would hate me so much for leaving him I could imagine him making that claim. He often says he would rather be the "homemaker" and then he doesn't know what women have been complaining about all these years. And if a solicitor told him he could claim to be the SAHP and I would have to pay him money every month...he would go it in a heart beat

@Cliche87 I’m not a lawyer so I don’t know this area. I would advise getting legal advice and getting your ducks in a row.

Tbh a primary carer and SAHP to a young child could absolutely argue for primary custody and spousal support. Because he’s a male, it doesn’t change the law.

Millions of women argue for the above and I would say, it’s not about the sex of the parent but about the best interests of the child. You may say he can’t cope, but when it comes to black and white reality on paper and the fact that he has them for 50% of the time, is a court going to look at that or the fact that you say he can’t cope?

I could be completely wrong. I’m not a lawyer. Get advice. Categorically do not spend more money on moving costs.

OP- I’m embarrassed to admit we have moved 20 times in 26 years of marriage- and were at 1 place for almost 5 years too!! Luckily we rent. But I should have realised a big issue far earlier. My H uses moving house like therapy and I’ve realised nowhere ever suits (including a spell abroad) because he just a dissatisfied person in himself. You can move the house but the same person goes with that move and some people simply have inner issues that makes them constantly restless , if it’s not houses, it’s jobs or affairs etc— it’s just an inner ‘restlessness’ - if you want my advice- he will always be like this— unless your house is awful and horrible town etc - it won’t change

Plan for when he is back in full time work.
Plan to separate, but if he improves with therapy and a job, you have the option to hold on.
The fact that you would be relieved if he left says it all.