First of all, being deeply uncomfortable with porn is completely valid — in my opinion we are conducting a huge social experiment at the moment where access to porn and extreme porn is easier than it’s ever been and consumed at much higher rates that it has ever been. How can we be so confident that this isn’t having an impact on men’s sexuality and attitudes to women when it has only really been the case since the beginning of broadband (e.g since about 2008)? What is the relationship between porn and the pressure on women to engage in anal sex and chocking, or the violent sexual language language in social media or mason greenwood and met police texts? I’m not convinced they’re unrelated.
That said, the fact that your husband said he’d quit and then he didn’t wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker for me. Porn can be like any addiction — saying you’ll quit just isn’t enough. That doesn’t mean you have to put up with it but it does mean that he didn’t just lie or break a promise in a straightforward way.
I’m struggling with this atm. I know my soon to be DH is watching porn again after 18 months clean. I don’t know whether to call off the wedding. It is an addiction, it’s related to damage, he’s wonderful in every other way, but I don’t know if I can face a life time of constantly worrying if he’s relapsed, or worrying he’s watching worse stuff, or snooping about trying to work out whether his off behaviour is due to excessive porn consumption or something else. I don’t want a future of no sex. I don’t think I would be able to stay if he watched violent porn, and I suspect he has in the past. I grew up with addiction, and I worry that I’m just replicating my past.
Could you persuade him to get help? Counselling? Podcasts about giving up porn? More and more men are realising the harm and trying to quit, so there is help out there. Though, as my situation demonstrates, there is no guarantee even if he’s working on it.