He's looked at porn again

[amiafreakofnature]

He promised me the last time it wouldn't happen again.
He doesn't seem to make any sexual effort with us and the marriage has been mainly sexless for the last 15 years .
I need to leave don't I?

For all those that are ok with porn use, it may change your mind to have a read of the various researches that have been done to show that it is actually damaging pretty much across the board.

One fact to remember is that most women in porn are not empowered, enjoying it or paid well. In fact the vast majority are coerced, trafficked, drugged or otherwise abused into it.

There have been multiple legal cases against 'mainstream' porn sites where real life assaults or rapes have been filmed by the perpetrators, uploaded and viewed thousands of times. The victims on top of their trauma have had to fight tooth and nail to have their assaults removed from these sites with the knowledge that the internet being as it is, it will be out there forever.

As far as I and a lot of other women are concerned porn is the socially acceptable thin end of the wedge for a lot of reasons. Chiefly for me, no one really knows but an educated guess would suggest that the woman you are watching on screen is not enjoying herself - we have words for that, but not a lot of people want to face up to that uncomfortable truth.

I also am very sceptical of so called 'ethical' porn companies. I ask myself given the state of the world and the place in it women quite frequently occupy, knowing as we do that often women in porn aren't there because they actually enjoy it, is it ever really ethical to offer money in exchange for sex acts?

Just food for thought but I would love for people to go and do a bit of digging about this subject before dismissing it as fine, sadly it's really not fine for either the people 'acting' in them or the people viewing.

@Wreath21

Porn in OP's case is irrelevant though, unfortunately, porn has always been the subject of unfounded moral panics. The issue here is that this couple are not compatible and not happy, so OP should take steps to end the relationship. It's very rarely possible to maintain a longterm relationship when there is a serious mismatch in what you want/believe/care about, whether that's sex, meat-eating, religion or politics.

Amen to that! ^

@TheGrinchsDog you've articulated that really well . Nothing to add except that I absolutely agree with you.

It sounds like you’ve reached the end of your relationship op

This is a deal breaker for me . And I'm in the same situation as you . Promised not too and then he did again . He's literally on his last chance now . It's what it puts us though emotionally that's that killer . I felt worthless , unattractive I could go on and on . Op if your like me I would leave the relationship than feel like this again and also constantly worrying if when they are going to do it again . And unfortunately they always do

@Bakewelltart987

Leave him for watching porn?

If you are thinking of leaving there has to be more to it than watching porn and your using this as your reason.

How about both of you try to make more effort in the bedroom. Book a romantic weekend away or something.

What the fucj

@TheGrinchsDog

For all those that are ok with porn use, it may change your mind to have a read of the various researches that have been done to show that it is actually damaging pretty much across the board.

One fact to remember is that most women in porn are not empowered, enjoying it or paid well. In fact the vast majority are coerced, trafficked, drugged or otherwise abused into it.

There have been multiple legal cases against 'mainstream' porn sites where real life assaults or rapes have been filmed by the perpetrators, uploaded and viewed thousands of times. The victims on top of their trauma have had to fight tooth and nail to have their assaults removed from these sites with the knowledge that the internet being as it is, it will be out there forever.

As far as I and a lot of other women are concerned porn is the socially acceptable thin end of the wedge for a lot of reasons. Chiefly for me, no one really knows but an educated guess would suggest that the woman you are watching on screen is not enjoying herself - we have words for that, but not a lot of people want to face up to that uncomfortable truth.

I also am very sceptical of so called 'ethical' porn companies. I ask myself given the state of the world and the place in it women quite frequently occupy, knowing as we do that often women in porn aren't there because they actually enjoy it, is it ever really ethical to offer money in exchange for sex acts?

Just food for thought but I would love for people to go and do a bit of digging about this subject before dismissing it as fine, sadly it's really not fine for either the people 'acting' in them or the people viewing.

Pretty much all the 'research' into the evils of porn is now discredited, and much of it sponsored by people who do not have women's best interests at heart and never did. I'd recommend reading Laura Augustin on the sheer grift of the anti-sex-industry... industry.

This doesn't mean it's wrong to dislike porn and refrain from either looking at it or making it - people should do what they feel comfortable doing. But there are multiple reasons for being unhappy in relationships and the solution is always: end the relationship rather than trying to force your partner to obey you.

I think the bigger issue is the 15 years. That isn’t going to change now. Sometimes you need to be brave.

@Wreath21

What absolute bullshit.
But then if you are ok with men wanking over other women that's fine for you.

Justify it any way you want but the sex industry isn't a happy fun place where women and children are having a great time. Pornhub recently had to remove swathes of porn "following allegations that the site showed videos of child abuse and nonconsensual sexual behavior."

amp.cnn.com/cnn/2020/12/15/business/pornhub-videos-removed/index.html

To think that the abuses in an industry that exists to sexually exploit women do not exist is utterly stupid. Not just stupid but willfully stupid.
I work with a couple of women who have exited the sex industry and who escaped trafficking - their stories would make any sane person weep.

No woman should have to put up with anyone telling her to accept porn as ok if she doesn't feel safe or comfortable with it. To have your partner wanking over other women is very upsetting and emotionally scarring to many women. If you don't understand that I pity your lack of compassion and your need to position men and their wanking needs at the center of the universe.

The OP isn't trying to control her partner. She wants respect and mutual affection which is to be expected in a marriage. That can't happen if he's furtively wanking into a tissue.

I'm absolutely sick of women who dislike porn being told they are the problem by trying to justify that it's mean to the women making porn.

Pure gold plated gaslighting.

Years ago when I was in a similar situation with an abusive pornsick partner who put his porn use as a priority before our relationship - I saw this quote on a support forum which I think sums it up perfectly.

"My need to watch other people and especially other naked women have sex while I masturbate is way more important than any concerns you, my beloved wife, have about it. I want to watch very young women with bodies that don't remotely resemble yours while I ejaculate in a tissue while imagining myself screwing them and caressing their bodies. But that shouldn't mean anything to you, in fact if you've got a problem with it, you need to keep it to yourself because that's a good recipe for a marriage -- leave me the fuck alone to enjoy it."

I'm getting that feeling where you read a preposterous reply, in support of porn and men's harmful use of porn, and complete disregard of the harm it causes to the women who are in the porn, and then you scroll back up to see what poster made such a ridiculous bullshit post and then recognise the poster's name from many, many, many other posts on other topics where the poster took other preposterous positions which were harmful to women amd supportive of men and their harmful desires.

Personally, I don’t understand the problem with porn. However, if you’re totally against it, and he’s all for it, you’ve got different sexual ideals. Therefore, he may not associate you with kinky stuff - he might even subconsciously feel scared to offend you.

My honest advice?! Find some porn you feel is acceptable to your morals, perhaps some female-director, romantic-type, UK-produced porn, which you like, and let him catch you watching it.

@LlamaLucy

Personally, I don’t understand the problem with porn. However, if you’re totally against it, and he’s all for it, you’ve got different sexual ideals. Therefore, he may not associate you with kinky stuff - he might even subconsciously feel scared to offend you.

My honest advice?! Find some porn you feel is acceptable to your morals, perhaps some female-director, romantic-type, UK-produced porn, which you like, and let him catch you watching it.

Or, perhaps watch a really kinky scene in a Hollywood film! There must be something you both find erotic to watch x

Just file for divorce on the ground the relationship is not and has not met your intimidate needs for more than a decade.

Don’t talk anymore about it - just finish it and start anew.

The porn thing I would care about at all tbh. Unless he jacking off a few times a day and had some kind of addiction. Now and again Porn is usually for most ppl a quick bit of release unrealted to how they feel about their other half.

I suspect the spark has gone for him in your relationship as hard as it is to hear you guys probably live like flatmates or close friends at this point and changing the status quo after so long would be hard.

So if you want a good sex life I guess you will need to move on or accept thing as they are as it's been 15 years already. Dont let sunk cost keep the next 15 years being with someone better suited x

@Wreath21

‘ Pretty much all the 'research' into the evils of porn is now discredited, and much of it sponsored by people who do not have women's best interests at heart and never did. I'd recommend reading Laura Augustin on the sheer grift of the anti-sex-industry... industry.’

Can you please show the research that discredits other research showing the harms of porn . People like Professor Gail Dines , the university of Sydney ( heading - A major study from the University of Sydney has shed light on the secret world of excessive porn viewing and the devastating effect it has on viewers and their families.)

Can you show us the research discrediting this and the many other studies . Not studies or ‘self reports ‘of people saying it doesn’t affect them but actually data and research that shows there’s no effect .

So the OPs relationship is basically sexless and her DP uses porn - it's not clear which is cause and effect here. But if it's been going on for 15 years then it's hard to see a way forward for them as a couple.

Where did I say she needs to make qll the effort?

The marriage has been sexless for almost 15 years is it because he's been watching porn all that time? Or is he now watching it as he's had no sec for quite some time Something?Something clearly needs to change!!!

@Bakewelltart987

Where did I say she needs to make qll the effort?

The marriage has been sexless for almost 15 years is it because he's been watching porn all that time? Or is he now watching it as he's had no sec for quite some time Something?Something clearly needs to change!!!

No what you said was that they should BOTH make the effort and I’m asking why the hell she should make one more but if effort when he makes ZERO and is wrapped up in porn Also why do you thing lying about porn is any less important than any other lie to one’s partner ?

I think having a no porn stance in a relationship is OK
If that's what you & partner agree with
But if you have not been intimate in many years
Then it's a bit unrealistic to be shocked they have looked at porn

It's pointless citing research that either supports or refutes the effects of porn. Each side will justify their pov with yet more research supporting their opinion.

The fact is in the RW, if one person in a relationship is using it as a substitute at the expense of their relationship, it sets unrealistic expectations about the physical nature of the partnership. That's why men expect women to do increasingly vile things in the bedroom because they've seen it all happening on their mobile phone so they expect a bit of that in RL or else they get all their kicks on a phone so don't need to develop their relationship.

OP why are you staying in the relationship when its just an empty shell and your husband has checked out years ago? Are you trapped financially?

@amiafreakofnature

No I'm not happy with the sexless relationship full stop. And the person who said make more effort you have no clue. I have booked us weekends away, I dress up nice etc. He has done absolutely nothing about this

Ok, so you know that this isn't going to change so you have to take responsibility for your own happiness and leave. There's no point in trying and giving more chances and listening to promises etc. when you know things are not going to change.

@blackdumpling

I think having a no porn stance in a relationship is OK If that's what you & partner agree with But if you have not been intimate in many years Then it's a bit unrealistic to be shocked they have looked at porn

Why is it unrealistic? I'm not the one withholding intimacy

How can we be so confident that this isn’t having an impact on men’s sexuality and attitudes to women when it has only really been the case since the beginning of broadband (e.g since about 2008)

2008 is when "soshal mediur" really took off and normal people flocked to the internet. High speed internet predates 2008 by at least half a decade... high speed internet connections were taking off around 2001, 2002.

But of course, I should also point out that online pornography predates broadband connections. Downloading photographs, and even low-quality video, was possible on a 56k modem. So online pornography really goes back to about 1994 - 1996 or so.

Use of internet pornography was just factually not as widespread in 2002, nor was internet connectivity. In fact when I was at university in 2010 access to the internet (via phones etc) was still hugely more limited than it is now.

There’s just over 10 years between my sister and me and she has certainly had a very different experience re porn and sexual expectations. I can’t remember anyone I knew being choked during sex, now surveys demonstrate that most young women have experienced their partner trying to choke them during sex. Things have changed both statistically and anecdotally.

A few geeks looking up a photograph in 1996 is not the same as porn hub today. It’s frankly a daft comparison. Broadband and mobile devices have transformed our relationship with the internet and with porn.

I’m not stupid — you get ancient pornography, Victorian pornography, my mum was campaigning against lads mags and page three in the 70s, my DP was consuming porn in the early 90s. But it‘a different now. The level of consumption, the ease of consumption, the mass viewing of violent and non consensual sexual acts. What does it do to an adolescent brain to watch rape daily (possibly actual rape as pornhub is hardly efficient in its vetting procedures?) or to a male brain to watch teen porn daily before supervising his daughters 14 year old friends (again probably actual underage porn as the porn industry is shockingly unregulated)? Why do we have language used in criminal acts which replicate porn tropes? Or murders and rapes which again replicate some of the most popular videos on porn sites? Is that just a weird coincidence?