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Original poster

Planning first date but live 3hrs apart am I mad

63 replies

Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 10:45

Met a guy online, chats going really well and would like to meet up, but we live 3 hours apart.
If we lived closer it would be dinner and drinks on an evening and then go home but what do I do when there’s such a distance?
Meeting half way is an option…..should I just go for the afternoon? Evening? Stay? Separate rooms? Share a room?! 😬 Or just not bother at all🤦🏻‍♀️

Has anyone been in this position and can give me some advice please??

OP posts:
ToxicPoppy · 07/02/2022 12:53

Well I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for 6 months now, and we live a couple of hours apart, traffic dependant. The distance hasn’t really been an issue as we make the time to see each other, and, if anything, the fact we’re prepared to plan and travel shows that we’re committed and we’re not just together because it’s convenient. We see each other most weekends and have had holidays etc as well. We’re not planning on moving in together yet, as we’ve both got teenagers living at home, but it’s something we’ve talked about a few years down the line and we’re aware than one, or both, of us will have to move, but that’s fine as we want a future together. So I’m in the opposite camp of you can make it work if it’s right! Depends what you’re after really I guess.

Knutface · 07/02/2022 13:51

I briefly dated someone 2 hours away, this was because I live in a fairly isolated area and my options were limited. It was a lot of hassle tbh, I work and have kids so I don’t want to add in unnecessary travel time. I’ve since limited my criteria to an hour away.

WhiteFawn · 07/02/2022 14:07

Yes I do understand your issue OP about living in area with little going on socially for singles. I think LDR must be a hassle - and 3 hours pushing it - but what are the other options? However maybe you both live in places you would be happy to visit? Tricky. Halfway for coffee seems the ideal thing for me. Maybe throw in a toasted sandwich if you like each other Smile.

ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 14:30

Are there no other men living within a 3 hour radius of your home, so you are hell bent on meeting this one?

If there are, why not date them instead?
Word of warning though - whoever you meet online -
Stay? Separate rooms? Share a room?!

WTF? WHY would you even think about an overnight with a random stranger? Sharing a room with a man you've never met?
You are coming over as desperate. Apologies OP, but if I, a random old bag with no sexual interest in you has spotted it, don't you think the Walking Red Flags of OLD have got you pegged too?

ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 14:34

There are zero decent men in my area!
I live in a place where everyone knows everyone, and the only offers I get are by married/attached men

There are plenty of decent men about, some of whom will live closer to you than 3 hours. If you are not looking for serious, why would you want to spend so much free time travelling?

Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 14:42

@ChargingBuck

Are there no other men living within a 3 hour radius of your home, so you are hell bent on meeting this one?

If there are, why not date them instead?
Word of warning though - whoever you meet online -
Stay? Separate rooms? Share a room?!

WTF? WHY would you even think about an overnight with a random stranger? Sharing a room with a man you've never met?
You are coming over as desperate. Apologies OP, but if I, a random old bag with no sexual interest in you has spotted it, don't you think the Walking Red Flags of OLD have got you pegged too?

I'm not intending on spending a night with a total stranger as I have previously stated...... and I really don't see how my post makes me come across as desperate🤷🏻‍♀️
OP posts:
phizog · 07/02/2022 15:15

I personally wouldn't bother unless you are open to moving for the right man. If you are, then yes, it can work. Otherwise, you'll both be exhausted by the time you even get to each other, it cuts out all spontaneity and you can never settle into any kind of routine. Part of what makes a great relationship is being able to spend time together - someone can be a great guy, but the relationship will struggle unless you are both committed to making a move eventually.

If you do live in an area where there is no one eligible, then maybe moving is an option?

A half way coffee date is likely the best option - but are you prepared to have loads of these half way dates (after a 3 hour commute) until you get to a point of sleep overs or weekends together? That in itself is quite the commitment.

Planetzero · 07/02/2022 15:18

You do know you might not like him on sight. That’s happened to me a few times. I drove past one guy as he was waiting for me. He was just my type on paper but even driving past my heart sank as I knew he was not my type. I did meet him out of politeness but it was a waste of time.

I wouldn’t bother.

phizog · 07/02/2022 15:19

Also, the spontaneous shags or dates will be an issue too if you wanted something casual. Everything will need to be planned a lot of advance. Will take the fun out it.

Fireflygal · 07/02/2022 15:19

Have you had a video date yet? I really wouldn't travel so far without a call so you can see each other. No matter how great he sounds until you meet you have no idea if you are compatible.

Are you newish to online dating?

housemaus · 07/02/2022 15:27

Another one surprised by the 'don't bother's!

I grew up and lived in a small, everyone-knows-everyone town when I met DH (who lived 3 hours away by train, 1h45 drive).

There wasn't anyone I'd have considered dating in my hometown, and the nearest big towns/cities were all at least 40 min to an hour away, or more. Then again, I knew I was happy to move at some point if the circumstances dictated (and quite enjoyed having more casual relationships around the country, made it easier if they went a bit south and I wouldn't have to bump into them in Tesco!).

I think if you're from a city/have never tried dating or FWB in a small town, you won't get it. But there genuinely wasn't a man in my hometown of my approximate age who wasn't:

  1. Married/dating
  2. Married to/dating a friend of mine
  3. Had previously been married to/dating/procreating with a friend of mine
  4. Related to me
  5. That I hadn't already dated myself (or one of his friends)
  6. With interests/goals/etc in the ballpark of what I was looking for
  7. Wasn't an absolute Tinder hound.
Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 15:53

@Fireflygal

Have you had a video date yet? I really wouldn't travel so far without a call so you can see each other. No matter how great he sounds until you meet you have no idea if you are compatible.

Are you newish to online dating?

Not new to OLD.....and yes we've had a few good video chats
OP posts:
Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 15:55

@housemaus

Another one surprised by the 'don't bother's!

I grew up and lived in a small, everyone-knows-everyone town when I met DH (who lived 3 hours away by train, 1h45 drive).

There wasn't anyone I'd have considered dating in my hometown, and the nearest big towns/cities were all at least 40 min to an hour away, or more. Then again, I knew I was happy to move at some point if the circumstances dictated (and quite enjoyed having more casual relationships around the country, made it easier if they went a bit south and I wouldn't have to bump into them in Tesco!).

I think if you're from a city/have never tried dating or FWB in a small town, you won't get it. But there genuinely wasn't a man in my hometown of my approximate age who wasn't:

  1. Married/dating
  2. Married to/dating a friend of mine
  3. Had previously been married to/dating/procreating with a friend of mine
  4. Related to me
  5. That I hadn't already dated myself (or one of his friends)
  6. With interests/goals/etc in the ballpark of what I was looking for
  7. Wasn't an absolute Tinder hound.
Exactly this!
OP posts:
Livandme · 07/02/2022 15:56

I wouldn't personally bother as it's too far for me to juggle my commitments along with travelling. Ive also had a LdR in the past and it wasn't enough for me.
But if you have time and less commitments then I'd go for it for a mid way coffee

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 15:59

I wouldn’t bother either, my ex lived 1.5/2 hours away on the other side of London and even that was a pain! Though neither of us drive so maybe that’s why? If you are not looking for anything serious then I do agree even less reason to bother! Surely you can find a causal thing closer?! Why bother travel that far for something casual?

HalfDutchGirl · 07/02/2022 16:05

If you don't meet him, you'll never know! I'm really surprised the number of people who say don't bother! I recall someone from a few years back on here from the UK who met someone from Canada and I believe she ended up moving there!

I had an LDR with someone 5 hours away and we made that work for 18 months and only split for reasons different to the distance apart.

Enjoy your date.

BTYU · 07/02/2022 16:14

I’m in the don’t bother camp too.

gogohm · 07/02/2022 16:25

We were 2 hrs 15 apart. We met half way ish for first date, walk and a pub lunch, met for a day out for the second then I invited him for the weekend for the third Grin

Just make sure you have chatted on the phone before the first, and it's in a public place, I didn't commit to lunch ahead of time, it just felt right.

But I would suggest thinking about whether either of you are willing to move, I knew I was, i wanted out of where I was living

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 16:29

I'm really surprised the number of people who say don't bother!

Some of us have experienced it and wouldn’t want to again, I wouldn’t want to have to stay over every time I went on a date with someone, the op hasn’t even met this guy and is already planning to sleep over.

DatingDinosaur · 07/02/2022 20:06

I say go for it OP!

It never worked out for me, but at least I’m not sat wondering “what if..”.

Original poster
Madreheaven · 07/02/2022 20:17

Thank you for "some" constructive advice .....I sense tension and anger in many replies for some reason, what happened to being kind🤷🏻‍♀️

I do not intend on spending the night "with a stranger"....many conversations have been had and a few video chats, I would also obviously meet in a public place and tell a friend my exact movements ...... I am a grown, responsible woman looking to date for goodness sake, some of you really need to chill out!

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 20:24

Why ask for opinions if you don’t like the answers? It seems you just wanted everyone to tell you to go for it? You don’t need anyone’s permission.

Opentooffers · 07/02/2022 20:26

Are you in the UK? If you are, no way are there not men within a 100mile radius, no matter how rural.
LDR's are a pain on the arse, so why entertain it ? Just set the limit at what you are easily comfortable driving to - half an hour these days in my caseGrin. I like a tad of distance, nice to know after a thing ends that you're not likely to bump into them when out and about, but 3 hours? There isn't a one, there are many possible ones, might as well make life easier and less angsty. Sure you get on, but you could just as well have got on with someone nearer.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/02/2022 21:04

@Madreheaven

Thank you for "some" constructive advice .....I sense tension and anger in many replies for some reason, what happened to being kind🤷🏻‍♀️

I do not intend on spending the night "with a stranger"....many conversations have been had and a few video chats, I would also obviously meet in a public place and tell a friend my exact movements ...... I am a grown, responsible woman looking to date for goodness sake, some of you really need to chill out!

In your OP you asked for opinions on whether you should book a hotel room and whether or not you should suggest to him sharing it - go back and read it Confused You can’t be surprised that responders have picked up on that and told you it’s a terrible thing to suggest.
ChargingBuck · 07/02/2022 22:07

@Madreheaven

Thank you for "some" constructive advice .....I sense tension and anger in many replies for some reason, what happened to being kind🤷🏻‍♀️

I do not intend on spending the night "with a stranger"....many conversations have been had and a few video chats, I would also obviously meet in a public place and tell a friend my exact movements ...... I am a grown, responsible woman looking to date for goodness sake, some of you really need to chill out!

Nice backtracking. I hope you mean it.