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Original poster

Saying no to sex but doing it anyway

122 replies

Amongstchaos · 06/02/2022 13:18

Hi All,

Im feeling so lost atm when it comes to my marriage but there's one thing in particular I would just like some advise with.
This has always been quite common in our marriage but it never really bothered me before, I kinda just accepted that's the way things were but then the last couple times it has happened I have felt really low and cried to myself after.

Anyway,

Of course there are times in a relationship one person will want sex and the other won't ... a lot of the time its my husband who wants it and I don't ... I just struggle sometimes to be in the mood when I feel like I am ignored constantly .. he's a gamer and spends a lot of time on ps, so Im dealing with the house and kids(we have 3) working cooking etc and he literally works and plays ps. He doesn't spend much time with the kids or any of us. literally gets up, goes work, comes home, plays ps. I don't really want to get too much into it.
In terms of our relationship there isn't really one .. I always know when he is in the mood though as that's the one time he will make somewhat of an effort and then I know that is what he is expecting later.
He will be on his ps until say 11.30 at night, barely paid me attention all night, then come up to bed and just expect it just like that because he is in the mood. I will say no because im tired or I have work in the am or im just not in the mood and it always goes one of to ways ... he will sulk and get annoyed and tell me I don't love him or he will keep going on and on and on until I give in. Most the time I give in because its just easier. sometimes I do end up enjoying it but most the time its just me thinking, right if i do it now that will just keep him at bay a few days or so.

However, the last couple times... the other night he came up and I was asleep, he was in the mood and basically woke me up trying to put it in, I obviously said no but he just kept going saying he wanted to, he was in the mood etc etc, I could tell he wasnt going to stop so I just kinda let it happen .. don't get me wrong he wasn't forceful or anything and maybe If i had been really stern he would have listened but I just end up feeling bad so never do.
afterwards he went sleep.
Then this am was kinda similar. He was in the mood and just kept grabbing and me and trying to put it in. I said no, our daughter was awake in her room and I just wasn't in the mood but he just kept trying to put it in and grabbing and kissing. I said no again and asked him to listen, he stopped and said so you don't want it or something like that, I said no and then a minute later he was trying again and once again I just give and let him. He is then trying to kiss me etc during and make it all loving between us like he hasn't just ignored me.

We have spoken about it before and he just says well if he doesn't go on he never gets it .. I have tried explaining that I just need more .. not just grabbed at and told .. oh Im getting some of this tonight ... I want to feel cared for and loved, I want cuddles without exceptions, kisses without expectation, just some attention, some help round the house, someone to talk too .. i don't bloody know to be honest just more ... I am actually a very sexual person, I like sex but I don't know.

How can I make this better, I've tried just accepting things and how this is who he is and trying to snap myself in the mood in the hopes after a while it will makes us better and our relationship better but all that has happened is I feel so low in mood and am always angry .

To be honest, Im probably not explaining this very well, my head is such a mess and I am conscious of how much I am writing.

OP posts:
gobbynorthernbird · 06/02/2022 13:21

You can't make this better. I'm sorry, but coercing you in to having sex that you don't want is rape.

He won't change. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

busyeatingbiscuits · 06/02/2022 13:23

You're married to a rapist, the only way to make that better is to chuck him out. If you feel up to it, call the police.

StarsAreWishes · 06/02/2022 13:23

He is abusing you, sexually and emotionally. This is not a normal healthy relationship, and that is why you are feeling so low.

I would very much suggest you make a plan to leave.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 06/02/2022 13:24

He is raping you OP, I’m so sorry,

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2022 13:24

Honestly op? Leave. Just leave him. It's not going to get better. What does he bring to your life?

Littlescottiedog · 06/02/2022 13:24

he was in the mood and basically woke me up trying to put it in, I obviously said no but he just kept going saying he wanted to, he was in the mood etc etc, I could tell he wasnt going to stop so I just kinda let it happen .. don't get me wrong he wasn't forceful or anything

Just read that whole bit back. Now read it again.

He was trying to penetrate you, wasn't going to stop and yet "he wasn't forceful"? Really? I'm sorry, but this is rape. You need to get out of this relationship. Not only does he treat you like a maid and a nanny, he treats you like a thing he can have sex with whenever he wants, regardless of your wishes.

Please get help. Please contact www.womensaid.org.uk and speak to someone and get help to leave him.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:24

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Is he dangerous or can you confront him about what he's doing?

To be honest it sounds like the relationship is dead in the water anyway but what he's doing is rape. If you can't leave without help please consider reporting him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2022 13:26

You can't make things better.

He rapes you.

He's now raped you while your daughter is in the room.

Please, please call the police or if you really don't feel able to then call womens aid who will reiterate that calling the police is important.

He's a rapist. He raped you in front of your child.

You cannot fix this relationship and your daughter deserves to grow up in a home where she is not exposed to abuse.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:27

@youvegottenminuteslynn she was awake in her own room. He's a rapist but her child hasn't witnessed it.

CuntAmongstThePigeons · 06/02/2022 13:29

Your husband is a rapist. No wonder you don't want to have sex with him.

Clymene · 06/02/2022 13:30

You can't make this better. All you can do is leave.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 13:31

Your marriage is a fucking nightmare. Get out of there.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2022 13:32

[quote girlmom21]@youvegottenminuteslynn she was awake in her own room. He's a rapist but her child hasn't witnessed it. [/quote]
Ah I misread that bit, apologies for that I read 'her room' as 'the room'.

However I don't think that it makes any difference whatsoever to what OP's next steps should be and don't wish to derail the thread.

He raped OP while their child was awake in a room presumably close by. That's terrifying.

Magda72 · 06/02/2022 13:32

@Amongstchaos sorry to be blunt but this is Rape - plain & simple.
Leave.

girlmom21 · 06/02/2022 13:32

@youvegottenminuteslynn I do agree that hearing it is as awful as seeing it

Oldtiredfedup · 06/02/2022 13:35

Your husband is a rapist

Sunbird24 · 06/02/2022 13:42

You expressed it very well OP - your husband sees you as an object, a possession that he gets to have sex with just because he wants to, not as a person worthy of respect or with their own needs and feelings. If he actually pulled his weight in your marriage and parenting you would probably have felt differently about sex with him, but even if by some miracle he changed now and started doing that, I suspect you’d find it difficult to get past this behaviour.

EarthSight · 06/02/2022 13:46

We have spoken about it before and he just says well if he doesn't go on he never gets it .. I have tried explaining that I just need more .. not just grabbed at and told .. oh Im getting some of this tonight ... I want to feel cared for and loved, I want cuddles without exceptions, kisses without expectation, just some attention, some help round the house, someone to talk too .. i don't bloody know to be honest just more ... I am actually a very sexual person, I like sex but I don't know

Your consent is not necessary for him. Your enjoyment is not necessary for him. All, he wants is for you to lie back and to be able to use you for masturbation. You are a non-person in this scenario.

There seems to be no shortage of these losers. They find a woman so they can spread their DNA and once they're done, all pretence of a relationship or love is gone.

You are there to look after his children (because he has no interest in actually being a family man, only propagating the facade of it it when it's convenient). You are there for housekeeping services, sex, and a pretty face too look at every now and again. Spending time with you and enjoying your company as a fellow human being is just not something that does it for men like this. It might do at the very beginning, but it soon slips into the dynamic you're talking about here.

I could tell he wasnt going to stop so I just kinda let it happen

You could tell you had no choice in your sexual activity so you decided, for numerous reasons, not to assert yourself of fight back in a more visceral way. Many women do this because they don't want to find out what kind of monster their partner really is. They would find the physical struggle and trauma of being held down roughly more traumatising. It's a self-preservation strategy.

He doesn't respect your no OP. You feel used and abused and I can't see any love in this situation.

Ask yourself - what would happen if you said to him one evening that he is never, ever to touch you again, otherwise you will call the police.
He might stop, but I'm guessing the reason why he'll stop isn't because he loves you and is distressed by the situation - it will be because he is afraid of the consequences which is different.

Original poster
Amongstchaos · 06/02/2022 14:54

I doesn't feel like rape because I let him .. I give in. I allow it. Mainly because I don't want to deal with the sulking or the how I don't love him comments or a lecture of how long it's been because it just makes me feel bad so I give in to avoid that.
He's never been forceful in trying to be rough pin me down and make me .. I think he just carries on trying because he knows I will give in.

At first I use to eventually manage to force myself in the mood, then I couldn't but I would act like I was enjoying just to get it over with quicker .. now I can't even do that, I just seem to shut off instead ... so aren't we are here because I allowed it.

He isn't a bad man, he does a lot, he works - he's in the army so its not the easiest job, his job gives us stability and a roof over our heads etc, he puts up with me and my low moods, or when im stressed etc. I know this isn't a healthy situation and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I am just so scared and confused. I don't want to hurt him or the kids.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 06/02/2022 15:00

Why are you concerned about hurting him when he doesn’t care how you feel at all?
He doesn’t even try to please you Op, you are merely a hole that must open to him at his whim.

No means no, I know it is hard to acknowledge the extent of the problem but this really is coercive rape.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/02/2022 15:06

It. IS. Rape.

It is sex that you don't want.

Rape is - sex without consent.

If you don't want sex, you are not consenting to it.

trunumber · 06/02/2022 16:08

I know you feel this isn't rape. It technically is but if you truly feel that you think he doesn't know that you don't want it, then tell him. Not when he's trying, but in a time when you can actually speak. Tell him when you say no, you really do mean no and that you're starting to feel pressured so much that you're starting to just let him even when you don't want to, even when you've said no and you want to keep saying no. Ask him to please respect when you say no the first time and stop. He will likely complain if he doesn't pressure you that you won't do it, but his pressuring you means you will NEVER want it. He knows how to get you in the mood, you've told him, he's chosen not to listen.

If he's not a rapist, he will listen and he will stop. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

Catcrazy83 · 06/02/2022 16:13

I’ve read a lot of these sort of threads over the years. It never gets easier.
Reading yours actually turned my stomach. He is a disgusting rapist.
What would you say to your daughter if she came to you, telling you this was what her relationship was like, as you’ve just written here. I can guarantee you wouldnt think her bf/dh was a good person, think about what you’d actually advise, then take that advice for yourself.

daretodenim · 06/02/2022 16:41

He has to have some signal that you're wanting it - a signal that is identifiable, not just in his head - before he starts. Or it's rape.

Giving in is what you do as a survival mechanism. And it works, because then you're not emotionally worn down even more and no chance he could get violent either.

If this man was "having sex" with you, he'd be making sure you were in the mood, warming you up, pleasuring you. If he were "having sex" with you, you would want to have sex with him, because it would be enjoyable.

What he's doing is not sex. It's penetration without consent. That's rape. Thanks