Saying no to sex but doing it anyway

[Amongstchaos]

Hi All,

Im feeling so lost atm when it comes to my marriage but there's one thing in particular I would just like some advise with.
This has always been quite common in our marriage but it never really bothered me before, I kinda just accepted that's the way things were but then the last couple times it has happened I have felt really low and cried to myself after.

Anyway,

Of course there are times in a relationship one person will want sex and the other won't ... a lot of the time its my husband who wants it and I don't ... I just struggle sometimes to be in the mood when I feel like I am ignored constantly .. he's a gamer and spends a lot of time on ps, so Im dealing with the house and kids(we have 3) working cooking etc and he literally works and plays ps. He doesn't spend much time with the kids or any of us. literally gets up, goes work, comes home, plays ps. I don't really want to get too much into it.
In terms of our relationship there isn't really one .. I always know when he is in the mood though as that's the one time he will make somewhat of an effort and then I know that is what he is expecting later.
He will be on his ps until say 11.30 at night, barely paid me attention all night, then come up to bed and just expect it just like that because he is in the mood. I will say no because im tired or I have work in the am or im just not in the mood and it always goes one of to ways ... he will sulk and get annoyed and tell me I don't love him or he will keep going on and on and on until I give in. Most the time I give in because its just easier. sometimes I do end up enjoying it but most the time its just me thinking, right if i do it now that will just keep him at bay a few days or so.

However, the last couple times... the other night he came up and I was asleep, he was in the mood and basically woke me up trying to put it in, I obviously said no but he just kept going saying he wanted to, he was in the mood etc etc, I could tell he wasnt going to stop so I just kinda let it happen .. don't get me wrong he wasn't forceful or anything and maybe If i had been really stern he would have listened but I just end up feeling bad so never do.
afterwards he went sleep.
Then this am was kinda similar. He was in the mood and just kept grabbing and me and trying to put it in. I said no, our daughter was awake in her room and I just wasn't in the mood but he just kept trying to put it in and grabbing and kissing. I said no again and asked him to listen, he stopped and said so you don't want it or something like that, I said no and then a minute later he was trying again and once again I just give and let him. He is then trying to kiss me etc during and make it all loving between us like he hasn't just ignored me.

We have spoken about it before and he just says well if he doesn't go on he never gets it .. I have tried explaining that I just need more .. not just grabbed at and told .. oh Im getting some of this tonight ... I want to feel cared for and loved, I want cuddles without exceptions, kisses without expectation, just some attention, some help round the house, someone to talk too .. i don't bloody know to be honest just more ... I am actually a very sexual person, I like sex but I don't know.

How can I make this better, I've tried just accepting things and how this is who he is and trying to snap myself in the mood in the hopes after a while it will makes us better and our relationship better but all that has happened is I feel so low in mood and am always angry .

To be honest, Im probably not explaining this very well, my head is such a mess and I am conscious of how much I am writing.

Absolutely @gobbynorthernbird
I'm just thinking it might help her leave?

Have you been in touch with Womens Aid for advice?

Even with police involvement, the council weren’t enough help to prevent you going back to a rapist and abuser to avoid eviction.

Do you have any real life support to help you navigate the benefits and entitlements and the system generally.

Would you consider going to a refuge?

Does the army offer help to abused spouses?

I’m sorry to be throwing more questions than answers at you. Hoping someone wiser will be along.

If you find the whole 'is it really rape?' question too distressing or confusing to get to grips with, leave it for now. Focus on the wellbeing of your children. Put steps in place to do the right thing for them.

@arethereanyleftatall

Shouldn't the op be going to the police about this? Her husband has been repeatedly raping her for years.

She could, but there is no obligation to put herself through that process.

At the end of that gruelling process, with a low charge, minuscule trial and invisible conviction rate, regardless of outcome he will still have full access to the kids, so it is a very personal decision for any victim/survivor of violence to make.

Christ, that is shocking @PicsInRed

regardless of outcome he will still have full access to the kids

@PicsInRed how can this be? Does the same apply to physical abuse?

I'm wondering if it's only an issue if it's directed at children, so if he hit the wife he has access to the children but if he hit the children then there'd be more safeguards put in place.

Either way the law is a ass.

Yes there is a lot of concern over how this can happen.

Hello Everyone,

My head is a real mess I am not going to lie. I thank you all for all responses, your help, your advice ... I don't really want to go into whether I think I am in an abusive marriage because right now I don't know what I think, It all feels like a lot of it is my fault. Maybe if I expected less and put in more it would be better , I don't know ... but seeing and reading all your replies has been tough and the fact so many said the same has made me realise that it doesn't matter if I believe it or see it right now or ever ... something is obviously wrong ... and more so, no I do not want my children to grow up within this. I do not want them to be the shell I feel. They deserve better.

But I don't now what to do. I don't have anything. The house is military , I can't work and be a single mum .. Im not near family and I don't really have friends I can rely on.I am not strong enough to do this. I am so dependant its pathetic, I get horrible anxiety doing much of anything.Work literally takes everything out of me, not to mention I hate leaving the children to be ignored whilst he plays ps and only interacting when he's yelling and swearing and then me having to parent through text messages to my older two when they are messaging me whilst I am trying to work.

Somebody mentioned counselling and I think maybe I need that, maybe I need to talk things through properly because I am a back and forth mess ... He is currently walking around like the nicest happiest guy ever, telling me he loves me, being all loving .. . It is like he knows I hit this point but I also keep finding myself going back to trying to convince myself this is the moment things change. But I don't know where or how to start with anything.

Tell him you want to have solo counselling.

He'll say you don't need it or start being nasty to you. He won't like the idea of someone giving you headspace and time to review what's been going on.

But please, push for it. Make sure you go. It must be solo, not couples as couples counselling is not advised for abusive relationships.

Counselling will help you see how dangerous your situation is and to see that your husband is a rapist.

Then you can act accordingly and break free.

But I feel like you need that outside professional to almost give you permission to call this what it is - abuse, sexual assault and rape, which means your children are growing up in an abusive home, in order for you to feel like you're 'allowed' to leave him even if it means you're financially worse off etc.

Having less money and living in a smaller home is far better for you and your kids than living with a rapist, sex offender and abuser.

Can you figure out what benefits you could get
Can you move near family?
You need someone objective to help you figure this all out
It’s super overwhelming but you’ll get there

It's rape. My ex-h used to do this to me. I reported him to the sexual offences unit but declined to pursue as there was no evidence aside from my word and I was in a horrific place mentally. They confirmed to me it was rape. Please get away from this vile man.

Also to add, this is not a childhood you want your kids to remember. He's abusive towards them. They deserve better than this. Please contact Rape Crisis/Womens Aid and let them help you and your kids.

He is currently walking around like the nicest happiest guy ever, telling me he loves me, being all loving

It's called the cycle of abuse OP. If you look it up you'll see the pattern. Can you do the Freedom programme OP? It's being run online in some areas. You could also read Why Does He Do that? By Lundy Bancroft and look into some counselling for yourself.

I think checking out what's available from the military is also a good idea. You won't feel so overwhelmed when you start to get organised. A link was posted earlier which gave you the details of what was available to you from the military - check that out as well.

He is currently walking around like the nicest happiest guy ever, telling me he loves me, being all loving

He's in the love bombing phase of abuse. Dont mistake it for love, you know better now you've seen what he is capable of. If he's in that phase he may also be hyper vigilant about where you are, and who you are talking to so watch out for that and take precautions.
www.goalcast.com/love-bombing/

Just wanted to give you this link OP, sure you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed right now but these should be a bit of a one stop shop for you:
www.ssafa.org.uk/about-us/how-we-help

@Amongstchaos

I don't really want to go into whether I think I am in an abusive marriage because right now I don't know what I think, It all feels like a lot of it is my fault. Maybe if I expected less and put in more it would be better

I really hope you read this.
I have spent years with an abusive man. A lot of it was my fault. I should have expected less and put in more.

A few weeks ago my disabled 12 year old spoke to my midwife while I was in the toilet.

It took my disabled 12 year old trying to protect his mum and his baby sister for me to get help. I will NEVER forgive myself for that. I cry at night that he has had to be so brave. I cry that he was abused and I was so mentally torn apart that I didn’t protect him.

We are now in a refuge. We have police support, social service support, homeless support, support from charities and everything. You are not on your own.

You can self refer to a refuge. It sounds like a huge life changing decision but in reality you can be there as little or as long as you want, it gives you time and space to think and process. The address is secret so he won’t know where you are, it can be anywhere in the uk (assuming you’re in the uk)

Please please don’t make my mistakes, it doesn’t get better, he has been emotionally abusing you and that will happen to your child. If he ever says ‘I snapped because child did this’ ‘child made me say/do whatever/pissed me off’ or similar then it’s likely already started.

@Chichimcgee you're braver than you know and you're raising an absolute superhero. I'm glad you're safe and I wish you and your children all the luck in the world

I think you think you are weak. You are not. You're being mentally tortured and you're exhausted. You are pretty much constantly in trauma mode and that's going to make you feel anxious. You'll be a whole lot less anxious when he's not around you and the kids anymore. You are not weak, he makes you feel like you are.

OP,

Abusive men like him are very sensitive to their victims moods.

He has sensed that you are more down/withdrawn/unhappy/distracted than usual.
He realises that he has gone a little too far in his awfulness and you are questioning things.

Therefore he knows he needs to distract you by pulling back to reel you back in and distract you from what your gut is screaming at you.

This is the cycle of abuse, the script that ALL abusive men follow.

You are waking up to that.
Do things at your own pace.
You will gain strength with these realisations.
A plan will come to you for a different future.

Counselling on your own, would be great.
We are here for you.

He isn't a bad man, he does a lot, he works - he's in the army so its not the easiest job, his job gives us stability and a roof over our heads etc, he puts up with me and my low moods, or when im stressed etc. I know this isn't a healthy situation and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I am just so scared and confused

He isn't a good one is he? He is a cause of your low moods and exhaustion so its hardly a bonus point that he lives with them.

If your child had a partner who coerced them into sex, abused them and held them hostage to their need for a roof would you describe that partner as good? Because if you were my daughter I'd be begging you to come back home to someone who actually cares about you.

I don't want to hurt him or the kids

Pity he doesn't feel the same way about you and the kids. Its not good for the kids to live this way either - they will be learning that men bully and women comply. That isn't healthy either. Its not too late to get help.

Definitely have solo counseling. It took me a year to get the strength to leave. I realised I was always going to feel small and not recover if I stayed with him. I used to be too scared to get a bus, too scared to walk into a shop I'd never been in before, too scared to make phone calls, too scared to go to hospital when I broke a bone. The anxiety that resulted from living with a man who loved and punished in equal measure spilled into my entire life.

I left and have slowly built my confidence and today I'm getting on a bus by myself. It sounds so small an accomplishment but for me it's really huge.

Take your time, go at your own pace but know that if things get worse and your safety is in question there are services and people to help you. One day it will dawn on you that there is no choice but to leave and then there will be no going back and your life will be in your hands again.

OP I know it's hard to see that you are being abused when you are in it but maybe just dwell on the fact that you have told your partner repeatedly how you feel, that you don't want to have sex, and what you feel you need from him to feel like it, and he has not taken any notice of you at all, he carries on the same. He doesn't care for you and doesn't care about your feelings or needs. Don't listen to what he says, focus on how he behaves and how that makes you feel. If you feel you can I would recommend exploring what options you have around housing, benefits, counselling etc (posters have already suggested options above). Just take some steps to understand how you could leave him before you decide what you want to do.