Saying no to sex but doing it anyway

[Amongstchaos]

Hi All,

Im feeling so lost atm when it comes to my marriage but there's one thing in particular I would just like some advise with.
This has always been quite common in our marriage but it never really bothered me before, I kinda just accepted that's the way things were but then the last couple times it has happened I have felt really low and cried to myself after.

Anyway,

Of course there are times in a relationship one person will want sex and the other won't ... a lot of the time its my husband who wants it and I don't ... I just struggle sometimes to be in the mood when I feel like I am ignored constantly .. he's a gamer and spends a lot of time on ps, so Im dealing with the house and kids(we have 3) working cooking etc and he literally works and plays ps. He doesn't spend much time with the kids or any of us. literally gets up, goes work, comes home, plays ps. I don't really want to get too much into it.
In terms of our relationship there isn't really one .. I always know when he is in the mood though as that's the one time he will make somewhat of an effort and then I know that is what he is expecting later.
He will be on his ps until say 11.30 at night, barely paid me attention all night, then come up to bed and just expect it just like that because he is in the mood. I will say no because im tired or I have work in the am or im just not in the mood and it always goes one of to ways ... he will sulk and get annoyed and tell me I don't love him or he will keep going on and on and on until I give in. Most the time I give in because its just easier. sometimes I do end up enjoying it but most the time its just me thinking, right if i do it now that will just keep him at bay a few days or so.

However, the last couple times... the other night he came up and I was asleep, he was in the mood and basically woke me up trying to put it in, I obviously said no but he just kept going saying he wanted to, he was in the mood etc etc, I could tell he wasnt going to stop so I just kinda let it happen .. don't get me wrong he wasn't forceful or anything and maybe If i had been really stern he would have listened but I just end up feeling bad so never do.
afterwards he went sleep.
Then this am was kinda similar. He was in the mood and just kept grabbing and me and trying to put it in. I said no, our daughter was awake in her room and I just wasn't in the mood but he just kept trying to put it in and grabbing and kissing. I said no again and asked him to listen, he stopped and said so you don't want it or something like that, I said no and then a minute later he was trying again and once again I just give and let him. He is then trying to kiss me etc during and make it all loving between us like he hasn't just ignored me.

We have spoken about it before and he just says well if he doesn't go on he never gets it .. I have tried explaining that I just need more .. not just grabbed at and told .. oh Im getting some of this tonight ... I want to feel cared for and loved, I want cuddles without exceptions, kisses without expectation, just some attention, some help round the house, someone to talk too .. i don't bloody know to be honest just more ... I am actually a very sexual person, I like sex but I don't know.

How can I make this better, I've tried just accepting things and how this is who he is and trying to snap myself in the mood in the hopes after a while it will makes us better and our relationship better but all that has happened is I feel so low in mood and am always angry .

To be honest, Im probably not explaining this very well, my head is such a mess and I am conscious of how much I am writing.

You haven’t made him this way, he always was and you just can’t ignore it any more. The Army is doing an event on Tuesday called Operation Teamwork (it’s been mentioned in the press!) where they all spend the day in discussions and workshops on respect, inclusivity etc. Looks like one of the topics is supposed to be sexual assault - it’ll be interesting to see if he’s any more receptive after that. I suspect the people it really needs to reach won’t take any notice!

Leave him. He is an abusive rapist and you need to leave him.

You can contact Women’s Aid to get some guidance and learn your options: www.womensaid.org.uk/

You don’t have to live like this.

OP He is not a nice man, and he is raping you.
Please get some help. You and your children deserve better x

Please leave him.

This isn't normal. This is a bad relationship. This isn't what good men do. It isn't how they act.

Is there someone you can confide in in real life?

Please contact womens aid they can help you escape if needed.

Sending love.

Of course you have low moods! You live with a man who rapes you, emotionally abuses you and verbally abuses your children. Who wouldn't be low and angry???

All he seems to bring to the table is some money and a roof over your heads. Well, you can house yourself and your children without him and he would still have to financially provide for the kids.

Tell your/his male friends and family members. See what they think of his childish PS use and rape. He’s a grown man, a father and a husband. He doesn’t deserve you, or the kids

Even if you struggle with considering it as rape, you surely must see that it's selfish, nasty and abusive behaviour - there's no love, kindness or consideration for your needs and feelings. You deserve better.

You cannot have a 'happy family life' with a man who rapes you or sexually assaults you. It is not possible.

Your children are being raised in an abusive house and that is going to be more and more damaging the longer you stay with this man.

I think there may be specialist support for domestic violence victims within the army (partners of army employees included) so hopefully someone will be along shortly with info on that.

But regardless you should be planning to leave this man, not to attempt to make this work. He's a rapist. A sex offender. A misogynist.

He enjoys having sex with someone when he knows they don't really want to. Can you imagine enjoying that? Of course not, because you're normal and decent and nice.

Staying 'for the children' is not fair on them. It will do them far more damage to stay than it will to leave and see their mum be happy and healthy, not their mum exhausted and mentally broken by having to fend of sexual assaults in her own home that they share with her.

He can't even pretend he isn't a rapist.
This morning after you told him to stop he said "you don't want it" (sex) then he did it anyway

A man who tells you that no other man will put up with you is a man who knows he definitely doesn't deserve you.
Please don't stay with this man , this is rape , repeated rape.
You do not want your children growing up in this environment either , think of them and think of the next 20 years ... is this how you want every night for the next 20 years to be ... of course it isn't ..
Please contact womens aid and they will help you make a safe plan to leave
So many hugs to you xx

www.gov.uk/government/publications/armed-forces-domestic-abuse-where-to-get-help/armed-forces-domestic-abuse-where-to-get-help

If you scroll down this page there are some resources with support specifically for domestic violence victims who are part of army life, military wives included.

Coerced consent is not consent.

Consent means your freely given agreement.
Being persuaded or forced into consenting to any kind of sexual activity without your freely given consent is sexual assault and it is a crime.

This is the law,
Statutory definition of consent
Section 74 defines consent as “if he agrees by choice, and has the freedom and capacity to make that choice”.

Do you believe you are freely given the choice to consent?
If not then legally it is rape.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-6-consent

He's a horrible man. He doesn't like or love you. He's horrible to the children. Staying with him isn't doing them any good. Why would you not leave?

@LlamaLucy

Tell your/his male friends and family members. See what they think of his childish PS use and rape. He’s a grown man, a father and a husband. He doesn’t deserve you, or the kids

I really don't think this is good advice, sorry. I think in many cases people outside the relationship side with the abuser and minimise what they hear. Abusers are very good at presenting a false face to the world.

You don't expect too much. I think you actually expect too little. And he does NOTHING to suggest he's "putting up with you" when no one else would. So he's abusing you, raping you and emotionally abusing your children and you're supposed to be grateful for that?!

I promise you, you will see that you deserve better than this once you have left him.

I’m not sure why my post was deleted I think it might be because I said you should put your foot down which could have been taken the wrong way - I apologise if it sounded wrong and I wasn’t implying you were at fault in any way.

I honestly don’t understand why you are in this relationship.

I would honestly feel sick having him touch me knowing he literally sees me as a piece of meat to stick his dick into every now and then.

If you said he’s fantastic in every way - loving, caring, attentive, a great father etc then if understand more why you’ve put up with it but he sounds awful.

I see that you’ve said the he’s not a bad man.

Yes. He is. He is a horrible piece of shit.

And no excuses for his job/stress levels or anything else. I don’t say this to be cruel to you, I promise you I am sending nothing but love and support your way.

But he is fucking awful. Please please please consider leaving. This is no way to live. My heart goes out to you and I wish I could help personally.

Sending love.

he isn't a bad man
Yes he is. He's a rapist.

Your third post is achingly sad op.
I'm not sure you believe us. Please find the strength for your children to leave this man. Little steps. Talk to people, to friends, to the charities others have linked to. Accept it's not worked.

He wakes you up 'trying to put it in'. Csn you imagine trying to put anything, I anyone, when they are asleep (apart from a medical reason) just for your pleasure?

Then you say 'he isn't forceful'...he isnt forceful because he waits til you're asleep to sexually abuse you. Sorry OP

He wakes you up 'trying to put it in'. Csn you imagine trying to put anything, I anyone, when they are asleep (apart from a medical reason) just for your pleasure?

I wonder if you put a dildo up his bum whilst he slept he would enjoy this?

Just simply disturbing someone when they’re sleeping is so disrespectful and shows he doesn’t care about your feelings.

Oh Op it is sad, but life will get better again.

One of the previous posters added a link to a charity that helps military wives leave their marriages. You don’t have to do anything right now, but learning how the process works will help you form a plan. If you want that to include counselling to see if you can save your marriage that’s an option.

You keep apologising for your posts, but actually OP you come across as a warm, intelligent and articulate woman. You deserve better than to be groped by your supposed life partner as if you were a cheap whore.

(Nothing against street prostitutes BTW, who deserve better protection, but the men treating them like meat at least never promised to love and cherish them.)

I’ve read many replies on MN over many years where respondents have said “leave him” and thought “oh for goodness” sake, it’s so easy for you to say that”

So sorry but this time I agree with everyone, you need to get away from this abusive man. Do you have family/friend support? You must tell them, if you do. You need to get away from him, now.

“Plus he deals with my low moods, he has said it himself, no-one else would put up with me.“

He is a major cause of your low moods.

Saying no one else would put up with you is to take your self-esteem away. He is a classic abuser.

As for 'putting up with your low moods', people who love each other don't 'put up with' aspects of the other person (for the sake of what? convenience? having a live-in housekeeper and living sex doll?), they care for and support the other person, encourage them to be the best and happiest person they can be.

You sound as though you have no idea what love is, what healthy, happy relationships look like. (I wonder about your upbringing).

In general, stop making do with someone who merely tolerates you. Find someone who adores, supports and celebrates you.

You work, you do all the domestic work and childcare. What do you actually need from a man? Why not be single for a while? Then, if and when you find someone who makes you happy, makes your life better, cares about you and shows it consistently over time, then enjoy yourself - but take it slowly, don't rush to move anyone in and mother them.

You're making a very basic mistake in thinking that because he works hard in a job that isn't easy he 'deserves' to be looked after, he is 'owed' this by the universe - and that you are obliged to provide this to him, on the universe's behalf.

Think about that for a moment. Is that how life works? People who work hard, try hard, have difficult days sometimes, are gifted housekeepers, nannies and ever-willing sexual partners who cater to their every need?

Is that how life works for you? For all the women you know? Why not? Are you not deserving and hard-working too? Don't you have hard days? Are you not people?

Why does being the nearest woman to this man mean you have to put up with everything he throws at you, do all the domestic work, have sex when you don't want it, then smile and pretend you like it?

The notion of 'deserving' of 'being owed' makes no sense, because there is no two-way contractual arrangement between one man and the universe. You cannot 'deserve' to be given something, if there is no-one with a pre-existing obligation to provide that thing to you. There is no prior reciprocity built in to the universe. Thus he is not 'owed'. He can feel he 'deserves' all he likes but that feeling doesn't generate an obligation in anyone else to provide that thing.

What about all the hard-working single people who have hard days? What do they deserve? Where does that come from? The answer is, if they want another person to recognise and support them, they have to win love and respect from someone and will be lucky if care, comfort and reward follow. Where is your husband's sense of luck, of gratitude?

Actual deserving emerges out of mutually supportive and beneficial relationships, where both people recognise and value the others' efforts. One person goes over and above and the other one recognises and appreciates that. 'Just deserts' are bestowed, not demanded.

Just like respect.