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Original poster

How many dates before DTD?

125 replies

Journeynotdestination · 06/02/2022 08:45

On the back of another thread where the OP had sex after 2 dates and was then ghosted and a few posters said it’s best to wait a while before sleeping with a new man - how long do you think it’s good to wait? I’m coming up to date 4 with a potentially nice guy and thinking of doing the deed, but not sure if it’s too soon? I do like him but like myself a lot more and really don’t want any emotional distress if it all goes pear shaped after DTD. I know it can work out either way but any advice or wise words welcome!

OP posts:
halfthesun · 06/02/2022 08:50

All depends! Third date was perfect for us ... but it was lockdown!

BurbageBrook · 06/02/2022 08:53

If he’s gonna be a dick after DTD, he’ll do it whether it’s date 4 or date 10. I always liked to do it by around days 3-5 if I liked the guy because if someone was selfish in bed then that would be the end of dating for me, so I don’t like to waste time. I think just do it when it feels right, and for a nice guy the timing won’t matter. FWIW I was ghosted by someone after a 3 month relationship, sadly with some dickheads it can happen at any time.

RantyAunty · 06/02/2022 09:09

Hold off a little longer and vet him some more.

Her advice is pretty good.

Chelsea26 · 06/02/2022 09:11

When it feels right for you! There are no rules and if a bloke ghosts you afterwards he’s a tit and at least you know.

Original poster
Journeynotdestination · 06/02/2022 09:20

@RantyAunty thanks for sharing the link, she’s great! Good advice!

OP posts:
SpicyChocolate · 07/02/2022 07:30

I think you should do it when it feels right for you, if you have a great first date and there’s chemistry there and you want it then go for it. If you’re not quite ready and want to take your time then that’s ok too. Whether it happens on the first or 50th date doesn’t stop the other person from walking away and that’s a reflection of them.

Original poster
Journeynotdestination · 07/02/2022 08:14

Thanks all for your replies. I’ve decided to wait for a little while. I don’t want to get too emotionally invested just yet!

OP posts:
Suprima · 07/02/2022 08:22

No sex until commitment has been established. Weeds out the chancers.

He can please you by all means- not saying you have to be chaste. Heavy petting, oral for you, etc- but no PIV or penis anywhere else.

Suprima · 07/02/2022 08:24

I agree with people saying that those who are nice guys won’t ghost you if you DTD first date- but I’d rather not let blokes inside of me on the chance that they aren’t nice guys. I don’t want my body to be used as a filter.

RedCandyApple · 07/02/2022 08:31

I wouldn’t do it on the first date, I was reading something about women should reject a man trying for sex to see how he reacts to being told no, it will tell you more about his character than if just jump into bed with him. For me I would wait a while; yes people can still ghost but at least you will get rid of the ones who aren’t willing to wait and expect sex straight away.

Blushingm · 07/02/2022 08:47

Sex is meant to be fun - just do it when it feels right! Don't stress about it or try and decide when is best and who cares what anyone thinks?

gannett · 07/02/2022 09:04

Sex isn't a gift and nor is it a filter, it's just sex. Have it when, and only when, you want to have it, for whatever reason. If you want to jump a man's bones on date 1, do it. If you don't, don't. Stop second-guessing what they'll think (this is useless anyway, all men are different) and just get what YOU want, if you want it.

When I was dating in my 20s I had sex sooner rather than later but I was the commitment-phobe who then ran away, so perhaps not the right woman to ask. However I shagged DP on the night we met and we've been together for a decade now so it worked for both of us.

Suprima · 07/02/2022 09:10

@gannett

Sex isn't a gift and nor is it a filter, it's just sex. Have it when, and only when, you want to have it, for whatever reason. If you want to jump a man's bones on date 1, do it. If you don't, don't. Stop second-guessing what they'll think (this is useless anyway, all men are different) and just get what YOU want, if you want it.

When I was dating in my 20s I had sex sooner rather than later but I was the commitment-phobe who then ran away, so perhaps not the right woman to ask. However I shagged DP on the night we met and we've been together for a decade now so it worked for both of us.

If you want to have sex, have sex- I had had many flings and one night stands and enjoyed them thoroughly.

However the landscape has changed from the heady days of meeting someone in a club- men are literally on tinder as a form of free prostitution. I’d rather not make it easier for them.

gannett · 07/02/2022 09:22

However the landscape has changed from the heady days of meeting someone in a club- men are literally on tinder as a form of free prostitution. I’d rather not make it easier for them.

Men looking for easy sex on Tinder is neither surprising nor something I'm deeply concerned about. I've wanted plenty of easy sex myself so I can't get het up if they do. But like I said, I haven't spent much time second-guessing their motives. Whether I had sex with men depended entirely on my feelings about them.

In my experience the ones who fundamentally disrespected women were fairly easy to suss out. But I've never felt used by men because when I had sex, it was only because I wanted it anyway.

D0lphine · 07/02/2022 09:22

Don't over think it. Have sex when you both want to.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 07/02/2022 09:31

I have a different theory, if one or the other felt the sex wasn't a great experience then one or the other will disappear.
So if the man ghosts the connection-sex wasn't great.

DillonPanthersTexas · 07/02/2022 09:33

Have sex when you both want to.

Is the right answer!

YerAWizardHarry · 07/02/2022 09:35

I’ve had three long term relationships as an adult and all three I had sex on the first date. Felt right, we enjoyed ourselves and it turned out well.

DillonPanthersTexas · 07/02/2022 09:37

However the landscape has changed from the heady days of meeting someone in a club- men are literally on tinder as a form of free prostitution. I’d rather not make it easier for them.

Equally there are an awful lot of women on tinder/OLD who just want casual encounters. I think we need to move away from the tired stereotypes.

Jennifer2r · 07/02/2022 09:39

If I have sex with a man on a one night stand because I want to, am I a 'free prostitute'?

KurtWilde · 07/02/2022 09:40

@DillonPanthersTexas

However the landscape has changed from the heady days of meeting someone in a club- men are literally on tinder as a form of free prostitution. I’d rather not make it easier for them.

Equally there are an awful lot of women on tinder/OLD who just want casual encounters. I think we need to move away from the tired stereotypes.

I agree with this. Why do we still talk about women like it's 1950 and they don't have urges? I know plenty of women who only want no strings encounters.
D0lphine · 07/02/2022 12:40

Here are the only rules of sex:

  1. You're all adult humans.
  1. You both want to participate in that sexual activity with enthusiasm!

That's literally it.

Think about it as any other another adult activity. Do you want to go out drinking? Well are you an adult human? And do you want to go out drinking? Now we all know there are risks to drinking. But there are the two rules- are we adult humans and do we want to go drinking.

All this other nonsense is just that - nonsense. Cultural bullshit that's patriarchal, has religious undertones and phrases sex as something to "give away" or protect.

Let's say no to the nonsense- Fuck that!

Graphista · 07/02/2022 13:22

Everyone is different, some are fine having sex fairly early on, some are more emotionally vulnerable and need to wait a bit.

It can also change over time.

When I was younger I was better waiting until things were fairly serious so 3-4 months tbh

After my divorce I also needed longer at first.

More recently I'm less fussed and possibly more...robust emotionally? So some ons, flings etc

You know yourself best. Consider how you would cope if you slept together and that's all he was after? Could you brush that off?

If not wait longer - any decent guy will not mind waiting, any guy who puts pressure on isn't worthy of sex
with you anyway

Culturally I think expectations are very different now which isn't right for everyone - male or female!

Sex seems to happen v soon in relationships now and yet we see that relationships are generally less successful - I think there's a correlation myself because I think there's a lot of especially young people having sex sooner than is right for them personally.

mrmr1 · 07/02/2022 18:34

If he really likes you he will wait and not push you. Do it when it feels right.

SpicyChocolate · 07/02/2022 18:36

@Jennifer2r

If I have sex with a man on a one night stand because I want to, am I a 'free prostitute'?
No you’re someone that wanted sex with someone they had chemistry with and you didn’t want to see them again that’s all. Smile
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