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Original poster

How many dates before DTD?

125 replies

Journeynotdestination · 06/02/2022 08:45

On the back of another thread where the OP had sex after 2 dates and was then ghosted and a few posters said it’s best to wait a while before sleeping with a new man - how long do you think it’s good to wait? I’m coming up to date 4 with a potentially nice guy and thinking of doing the deed, but not sure if it’s too soon? I do like him but like myself a lot more and really don’t want any emotional distress if it all goes pear shaped after DTD. I know it can work out either way but any advice or wise words welcome!

OP posts:
2022newyrnewme · 07/02/2022 22:07

Mine was after about a month (he was away for 2 weeks initially) all great..he ghosted me 3 months ago after a 5yr relationship. You never really know anyone..do what makes you happy and what feels right

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 07/02/2022 22:14

I met dh one Saturday night. He had tickets to a show the following Wednesday - which was to be our first date.

I wanted to dtd before then to see if it was any good and worth investing into a proper relationship!! We dtd on the Monday night!
Been 10 years this year! Married with a dc.

IheartJKRowling · 07/02/2022 22:25

"However the landscape has changed from the heady days of meeting someone in a club- men are literally on tinder as a form of free prostitution. I’d rather not make it easier for them"

I hoped we had got past the stage of sex being something men do to women and which women don't want or actively seek out. You have sex whenever you feel it's right, there's are no "rules". I doubt very much men who have sex on a first date consider themselves "free prostitutes" so why should women?

jelly79 · 07/02/2022 22:34

Don't put too much pressure on yourself either way, nor over think it.

I was date 6 and we had been dating just over a month.

Fifteentoes · 07/02/2022 22:44

@Graphista

Sex seems to happen v soon in relationships now and yet we see that relationships are generally less successful

Not sure how you'd even quantify that second part, let alone whether there's any evidence for it.

Ikeameatballs · 07/02/2022 22:49

Whenever you want.

I had sex with DP on our first date.we’ve been together for nearly 7 years now.

I guess waiting longer gives you an opportunity to see if there are others things you don’t like about him and therefore would make you regret having sex? But then you could wait a very long time on that basis.

Allsorts1 · 07/02/2022 22:49

Six dates is the magic number! But from 4 is OK.

TheFoundation · 07/02/2022 22:49

@Suprima

No sex until commitment has been established. Weeds out the chancers.

He can please you by all means- not saying you have to be chaste. Heavy petting, oral for you, etc- but no PIV or penis anywhere else.

Chancers will say they're committed when they're not.
Keladrythesaviour · 08/02/2022 08:21

Gosh these comments are a depressing read - saying you should wait so you don't get 'used', or 'too emotionally invested' - better to wait so you aren't letting some man who won't stick around be inside you.... Is it the 50s?!!
Have sex because you want to have sex. If he buggers off, well you had sex with a man you wanted to have sex with. Go in with the knowledge it could happen and don't measure your self worth on how he reacts after sex. It's a physical process which can be romantic, or can just be magnetic and fun. Enjoy it for what it is.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 08/02/2022 08:29

@Keladrythesaviour

Gosh these comments are a depressing read - saying you should wait so you don't get 'used', or 'too emotionally invested' - better to wait so you aren't letting some man who won't stick around be inside you.... Is it the 50s?!! Have sex because you want to have sex. If he buggers off, well you had sex with a man you wanted to have sex with. Go in with the knowledge it could happen and don't measure your self worth on how he reacts after sex. It's a physical process which can be romantic, or can just be magnetic and fun. Enjoy it for what it is.
This ^^ How will you feel if you waited x amount of time and the sex is rubbish and you dump him, lots of wasted time. Or how would you feel if you waited X amount of time and the sex was amazing and you could have been having lots of great sex and not waiting time
SpicyChocolate · 08/02/2022 09:07

@Keladrythesaviour

Gosh these comments are a depressing read - saying you should wait so you don't get 'used', or 'too emotionally invested' - better to wait so you aren't letting some man who won't stick around be inside you.... Is it the 50s?!! Have sex because you want to have sex. If he buggers off, well you had sex with a man you wanted to have sex with. Go in with the knowledge it could happen and don't measure your self worth on how he reacts after sex. It's a physical process which can be romantic, or can just be magnetic and fun. Enjoy it for what it is.
👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿
KurtWilde · 08/02/2022 09:39

@Keladrythesaviour

Gosh these comments are a depressing read - saying you should wait so you don't get 'used', or 'too emotionally invested' - better to wait so you aren't letting some man who won't stick around be inside you.... Is it the 50s?!! Have sex because you want to have sex. If he buggers off, well you had sex with a man you wanted to have sex with. Go in with the knowledge it could happen and don't measure your self worth on how he reacts after sex. It's a physical process which can be romantic, or can just be magnetic and fun. Enjoy it for what it is.
100% this. Ridiculously tired stereotypes of it being only men who want no strings sex or women holding off for fear or being 'used' - like consensual sex is something men do to women not something they're BOTH doing WITH each other.

Do it when you fancy doing it, not to some mythical 'rule' that'll ensure he 'sticks around' - because honestly there are never any guarantees no matter how long you hold out.

And consider the fact that sometimes women don't stick around after they've had sex either, for whatever reason.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/02/2022 09:43

Who would buy a car without a test drive?
Just saying...

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 08/02/2022 09:52

[quote Fifteentoes]@Graphista

Sex seems to happen v soon in relationships now and yet we see that relationships are generally less successful

Not sure how you'd even quantify that second part, let alone whether there's any evidence for it.[/quote]
Really, look at the stats fgs.🤣
Unwanted, pregnancies, STDs, etc, etc.

If the sex was good and the chemistry and connection strong, both parties would want more.
I think this idea that sex is an objective act is a falsehood.
I know from personal empirical experience using a person as an objective only, is hollow and a path to problems with close intimate relationships later on .

SpicyChocolate · 08/02/2022 09:53

Sex is meant to be about connection and enjoyment between two people (or more) there doesn’t need to be all this added guilt and fear. People we’ve just been through a pandemic..if you’re single have some guilt free fun! If you’re in a relationship have lots of fun!

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 11:01

There is no rule or time limit, except that you're ready and happy. If that's half an hour or six months, it doesn't matter - entirely up to you. One is not better or worse.

SupremeDreamz · 08/02/2022 14:21

Another one here a bit shocked at some of the comments. Even if you think sex is a bargaining chip for commitment (eww) that doesn't make any sense. Someone can leave you whenever they want.

I had one relationship where we waited for agggges. Absolute shit show and broke up within 2 years of dating. DP, shagged him 2nd date, quite frankly would have done it on the first, here 10 years later.

Sex and commitment are not the same and you're not cheap or easy because you find someone attractive and take them up on an offer of a good time.

SallyWD · 08/02/2022 14:51

I think when it feels right. For some people that might be the first date, for others it might be much later. I actually made my DH wait a few months because for me it's important to build up a relationship first and an emotional closeness. If others feel happy to do it on the first date for a bit of fun then why not?

RantyAunty · 08/02/2022 15:01

Not everyone is into casual sex.

If you're supposed to do it on the 2nd or 3rd date, I don't think I could deal with so much disappointment.

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 15:05

@RantyAunty

Not everyone is into casual sex.

If you're supposed to do it on the 2nd or 3rd date, I don't think I could deal with so much disappointment.

There's no "supposed to" about it, as long as you're happy it doesn't matter if it's 1 date or 20.
BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 15:09

Sex and commitment are not the same and you're not cheap or easy because you find someone attractive and take them up on an offer of a good time.

Agreed. I'm not sure why people think just because you wait til X time it's some kind of magic formula for commitment.

ABitOfAShitShow · 08/02/2022 15:16

Totally up to the individuals involved but it's 3 dates for me - or sooner, if I fancy it.

I agree with PPs that the number of dates or length of the relationship has no influence on whether - or when - they turn out to be a terrible person. Or how committed they are/how long the relationship lasts.

AubadeIsIt · 08/02/2022 16:00

@D0lphine

Here are the only rules of sex:
  1. You're all adult humans.
  1. You both want to participate in that sexual activity with enthusiasm!

That's literally it.

Think about it as any other another adult activity. Do you want to go out drinking? Well are you an adult human? And do you want to go out drinking? Now we all know there are risks to drinking. But there are the two rules- are we adult humans and do we want to go drinking.

All this other nonsense is just that - nonsense. Cultural bullshit that's patriarchal, has religious undertones and phrases sex as something to "give away" or protect.

Let's say no to the nonsense- Fuck that!

Hear, hear! Sex isn't something you give up to a man in return for respectful behaviour. And someone can make you feel bad only if you let them. Sex doesn't need to be sacred to be empowering.
RedCandyApple · 08/02/2022 16:03

Some of us don’t want to sleep with someone who is just after sex though hence waiting, if someone only wanted me for sex I wouldn’t want to sleep with them. If you don’t mind just having sex or something casual then that’s up to you, I never understand why women tell other women they should sleep with men on the first date 🤷‍♀️

AlbertBridge · 08/02/2022 16:05

consensual sex is something ... they're BOTH doing WITH each other.

This ignores the fact that men and women have WILDLY different standards for sexual partners. Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously. Men will shag pretty much anyone. Honestly. So they don't go into the bedroom as equals. Women always always always like the man they're about to shag. Men don't.

Imagine there's no contraception. Now does casual sex feel more risky? Who for?

Now remember that women's brains don't know they're taking contraception. So the Pill doesn't change women's screening processes. It doesn't know the woman shouldn't be bonding with the man emotionally. Her brain still releases 8x as much oxytocin as the man's brain does.

Casual sex is not something that works the same for women as it does for men, and it's unhelpful to claim that it does.

(If you're a woman who can happily hump and dump, you probably have high levels of testosterone that dampen down the effects of oxytocin in your body. But that doesn't mean your experience is the same as it is for your less-testosteroney sisters.)