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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How many dates before DTD?

125 replies

Journeynotdestination · 06/02/2022 08:45

On the back of another thread where the OP had sex after 2 dates and was then ghosted and a few posters said it’s best to wait a while before sleeping with a new man - how long do you think it’s good to wait? I’m coming up to date 4 with a potentially nice guy and thinking of doing the deed, but not sure if it’s too soon? I do like him but like myself a lot more and really don’t want any emotional distress if it all goes pear shaped after DTD. I know it can work out either way but any advice or wise words welcome!

OP posts:
BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 16:06

I never understand why women tell other women they should sleep with men on the first date 🤷‍♀️

No one is saying that. What they're saying is do it when it feels right to you, not to some imaginary set of rules or as some magic formula for commitment.

BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 16:07

@AlbertBridge

consensual sex is something ... they're BOTH doing WITH each other.

This ignores the fact that men and women have WILDLY different standards for sexual partners. Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously. Men will shag pretty much anyone. Honestly. So they don't go into the bedroom as equals. Women always always always like the man they're about to shag. Men don't.

Imagine there's no contraception. Now does casual sex feel more risky? Who for?

Now remember that women's brains don't know they're taking contraception. So the Pill doesn't change women's screening processes. It doesn't know the woman shouldn't be bonding with the man emotionally. Her brain still releases 8x as much oxytocin as the man's brain does.

Casual sex is not something that works the same for women as it does for men, and it's unhelpful to claim that it does.

(If you're a woman who can happily hump and dump, you probably have high levels of testosterone that dampen down the effects of oxytocin in your body. But that doesn't mean your experience is the same as it is for your less-testosteroney sisters.)

What the fuck.
RedCandyApple · 08/02/2022 16:08

Yeh when it feels right yet women are being told basically the sooner the better. I’m sorry but some of us would rather wait and get to know someone a bit better than inviting a stranger into our beds. Sex far more riskier for women than men.

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 16:08

Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously. Men will shag pretty much anyone. Honestly. So they don't go into the bedroom as equals. Women always always always like the man they're about to shag. Men don't.

Fecking lol. I can personally tell you the first sentence is total bollocks for a start.

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 16:09

@RedCandyApple

Yeh when it feels right yet women are being told basically the sooner the better. I’m sorry but some of us would rather wait and get to know someone a bit better than inviting a stranger into our beds. Sex far more riskier for women than men.
No-one has said the sooner the better. Do what you're comfortable with.
grapewine · 08/02/2022 16:13

@AlbertBridge

consensual sex is something ... they're BOTH doing WITH each other.

This ignores the fact that men and women have WILDLY different standards for sexual partners. Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously. Men will shag pretty much anyone. Honestly. So they don't go into the bedroom as equals. Women always always always like the man they're about to shag. Men don't.

Imagine there's no contraception. Now does casual sex feel more risky? Who for?

Now remember that women's brains don't know they're taking contraception. So the Pill doesn't change women's screening processes. It doesn't know the woman shouldn't be bonding with the man emotionally. Her brain still releases 8x as much oxytocin as the man's brain does.

Casual sex is not something that works the same for women as it does for men, and it's unhelpful to claim that it does.

(If you're a woman who can happily hump and dump, you probably have high levels of testosterone that dampen down the effects of oxytocin in your body. But that doesn't mean your experience is the same as it is for your less-testosteroney sisters.)

What the hell am I reading?

OP, have sex when you both want to - whether that's on date one or ten or whatever.

AlbertBridge · 08/02/2022 16:22

I honestly can't understand why my post is causing so much confusion? This is all well documented. 😆

BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 16:23

@RedCandyApple

Yeh when it feels right yet women are being told basically the sooner the better. I’m sorry but some of us would rather wait and get to know someone a bit better than inviting a stranger into our beds. Sex far more riskier for women than men.
No one is saying sooner the better at all. Literally every comment says do it when it feels right Confused
BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 16:24

@AlbertBridge

I honestly can't understand why my post is causing so much confusion? This is all well documented. 😆
Because I can say from personal experience it's bullshit. And it doesn't mean I have more testosterone than my 'sisters' Confused
RedCandyApple · 08/02/2022 16:25

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Who would buy a car without a test drive? Just saying...
This isn’t saying the sooner the better/straight away no? So women don’t want to be judged for sleeping with a guy on the first date but happily judge those that choose to wait? Hmm
BillMasen · 08/02/2022 16:32

@AlbertBridge

consensual sex is something ... they're BOTH doing WITH each other.

This ignores the fact that men and women have WILDLY different standards for sexual partners. Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously. Men will shag pretty much anyone. Honestly. So they don't go into the bedroom as equals. Women always always always like the man they're about to shag. Men don't.

Imagine there's no contraception. Now does casual sex feel more risky? Who for?

Now remember that women's brains don't know they're taking contraception. So the Pill doesn't change women's screening processes. It doesn't know the woman shouldn't be bonding with the man emotionally. Her brain still releases 8x as much oxytocin as the man's brain does.

Casual sex is not something that works the same for women as it does for men, and it's unhelpful to claim that it does.

(If you're a woman who can happily hump and dump, you probably have high levels of testosterone that dampen down the effects of oxytocin in your body. But that doesn't mean your experience is the same as it is for your less-testosteroney sisters.)

I’ve read some shit on here but this post is right up there!
DiscordandRhyme · 08/02/2022 16:38

When it feels right?

Could be 1st or 10th.

AlbertBridge · 08/02/2022 16:41

Every woman who saying my post bollocks 😂 please explain this.

A sociology team did an experiment where attractive researchers approached strangers in the street, and asked if they'd like to have sex.

Of the women approached by a male researcher, NONE said yes.

If the men approached by a female researcher, ALMOST ALL said yes. I think it was 80%.

Why the difference, if we're all the same?

BarbedButterfly · 08/02/2022 16:44

Whenever I want to, that has been 1st date or a month or so in. I want to know we are sexually compatible as that matters to me and if they ghost me after then I have had a lucky escape. Current partner I slept with within a few hours and we are living together and happy

BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 16:44

@AlbertBridge

Every woman who saying my post bollocks 😂 please explain this.

A sociology team did an experiment where attractive researchers approached strangers in the street, and asked if they'd like to have sex.

Of the women approached by a male researcher, NONE said yes.

If the men approached by a female researcher, ALMOST ALL said yes. I think it was 80%.

Why the difference, if we're all the same?

So that one test speaks for all women? Have a word 😂
AlbertBridge · 08/02/2022 16:47

Not the best rebuttal I've ever heard, @BuddhaForMary.

Have a go at explaining it.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 16:50

"If he’s gonna be a dick after DTD, he’ll do it whether it’s date 4 or date 10. "

I know a lot of people will agree with you, but if you wait a while, if he's a dick he won't be around by then so you can filter them out.

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 16:55

@RedCandyApple

Some of us don’t want to sleep with someone who is just after sex though hence waiting, if someone only wanted me for sex I wouldn’t want to sleep with them. If you don’t mind just having sex or something casual then that’s up to you, I never understand why women tell other women they should sleep with men on the first date 🤷‍♀️
Exactly. If OP wants casual sex then she can go for it, but it doesn't sound like that's what she's looking for.
BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 16:58

@AlbertBridge

Not the best rebuttal I've ever heard, *@BuddhaForMary*.

Have a go at explaining it.

Honestly can't be bothered. But do you honestly think the results of one sociology test means all women are the same?
Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 16:59

"No-one has said the sooner the better."

Some have said not to wait so sooner rather than later.

gogohm · 08/02/2022 17:00

3rd for me too, now live together... if it is going to be right you just know

Gwenhwyfar · 08/02/2022 17:00

"Honestly can't be bothered. But do you honestly think the results of one sociology test means all women are the same?"

At least she is using studies to back up her point. You're not using any arguments.
I think there have been further tests of this type with more women saying yes, but still not as many as men.

ScrollingLeaves · 08/02/2022 17:12

“KurteWilde
I know plenty of women who only want no strings encounters.“

I haven’t rthft. Is this what the OP wants?

HobnobsChoice · 08/02/2022 17:23

I did a lot of dating in my late 20s. Slept with some early on, waited with some others. The one I had the most fun and attraction to I shagged the first date and we have been together 13 years married for 7 and 2 kids. No regrets at all. I do regret wasting time on all the men who just texted and messaged for ages and then had zero chemistry on the first and second dates. They were far bigger wastes of energy than a few bedtime frolics and took up far more headspace.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 08/02/2022 17:34

@RedCandyApple

Some of us don’t want to sleep with someone who is just after sex though hence waiting, if someone only wanted me for sex I wouldn’t want to sleep with them. If you don’t mind just having sex or something casual then that’s up to you, I never understand why women tell other women they should sleep with men on the first date 🤷‍♀️
Nobody is saying just do it on the 1st date, do whatever feels comfortable for you, just don’t listen to those saying you have to do this thing or you have to wait until hell is freezing over.