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Relationships

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Original poster

How many dates before DTD?

125 replies

Journeynotdestination · 06/02/2022 08:45

On the back of another thread where the OP had sex after 2 dates and was then ghosted and a few posters said it’s best to wait a while before sleeping with a new man - how long do you think it’s good to wait? I’m coming up to date 4 with a potentially nice guy and thinking of doing the deed, but not sure if it’s too soon? I do like him but like myself a lot more and really don’t want any emotional distress if it all goes pear shaped after DTD. I know it can work out either way but any advice or wise words welcome!

OP posts:

Tayegete · 08/02/2022 17:38

Slept with DH on first night we met (not even a date) still together 19 years later. Do what is comfortable for you.

MrsGHarrison87 · 08/02/2022 17:49

I did it with my husband the first time we met. I think right or wrongly it does put some men off though if you're willing to do it straight away and it risks the relationship just being built on sex and not much else if you're too sexual straight away.

BuddhaForMary · 08/02/2022 18:02

@Gwenhwyfar

"Honestly can't be bothered. But do you honestly think the results of one sociology test means all women are the same?"

At least she is using studies to back up her point. You're not using any arguments.
I think there have been further tests of this type with more women saying yes, but still not as many as men.

One study? You think that covers everyone then? I've used personal experience to back up my argument (and I'm not even arguing tbh because honestly who can be bothered with all that

), as have at least 2 other posters on this thread. How about as then why they think this is a bullshit study?

shamalidacdak · 08/02/2022 18:03

Surely when the STD results are back or do you not care about that?

Lockheart · 08/02/2022 18:04

@shamalidacdak

Surely when the STD results are back or do you not care about that?

That's why you use barrier methods of contraception until you've both had tests.

Original poster

Journeynotdestination · 08/02/2022 18:13

Definitely depends on the individual situation judging by all the replies. For me I’ve been very hurt by a past relationship and have worked very hard to get myself to a good place, so I’m going to wait a bit longer. I doubt he’s the type to just want sex, but I know once I’ve done it I’ll feel a bit more vulnerable emotionally.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 08/02/2022 18:13

Do what you are comfortable with. You know yourself best.
For me, it’s not the number of dates, it’s what I’ve learnt about the person. If I haven’t found out enough to make me comfortable I’d wait until I did. Waiting is equally as valid a decision as having sex early.
And the risks are higher for women so that is something to take into account

Mirrorball2022 · 08/02/2022 18:18

I’d been chattinb online to my now partner for a few months before we actually met. We did sleep together the first night but it didn’t feel tho soon. May be far too soon for some but it worked for us and still going very strong and happy 11 years later.

Not sure there is a right or wrong time. Just whoever you BOTH want to.

Sonaftersonafterson · 08/02/2022 22:49

There is no timeline!! Men who are idiots anyway will ghost you regardless of if you make them wait for sex. Date 1, date 5, doesnt matter.

I usually have one date to meet initially. The next date is then longer, dinner, drinks whatever. If that goes well, usually sex on date 3. Always works well for me!

gothisdilemma · 09/02/2022 00:38

@AlbertBridge

consensual sex is something ... they're BOTH doing WITH each other.

This ignores the fact that men and women have WILDLY different standards for sexual partners. Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously. Men will shag pretty much anyone. Honestly. So they don't go into the bedroom as equals. Women always always always like the man they're about to shag. Men don't.

Imagine there's no contraception. Now does casual sex feel more risky? Who for?

Now remember that women's brains don't know they're taking contraception. So the Pill doesn't change women's screening processes. It doesn't know the woman shouldn't be bonding with the man emotionally. Her brain still releases 8x as much oxytocin as the man's brain does.

Casual sex is not something that works the same for women as it does for men, and it's unhelpful to claim that it does.

(If you're a woman who can happily hump and dump, you probably have high levels of testosterone that dampen down the effects of oxytocin in your body. But that doesn't mean your experience is the same as it is for your less-testosteroney sisters.)

Yes this.

I like to build up a connection with someone before I have sex with them, build trust and rapport.
Maybe I'm guarded yes, but that's me and I don't need to be told I'm buying into the patriarchy or still in the 1950's by men or women thanks!
I don't give a shit what other people do, I just know what I want and need.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/02/2022 01:55

This ignores the fact that men and women have WILDLY different standards for sexual partners. Women only have (even casual) sex with partners they've screened and vetted seriously.

Nah. I only have to look at Page 1 of this here MN Relationships board and I can find at least ten threads started by women who absolutely haven’t screened or vetted their men in the slightest before deciding he’s their new partner. If they’re shagging these men because they actually like them and have carefully assessed them as decent then they have way bigger problems than women choosing to have sex whenever in the dating stage they want.

Lookingoutside · 09/02/2022 05:27

@Graphista

Sex seems to happen v soon in relationships now and yet we see that relationships are generally less successful.

Because women are leaving shit relationships. Not because women are having sex on the first date.

Krakenchorus · 09/02/2022 05:47

It doesn't matter even slightly. A man who is interested in you and is looking for a relationship will not ghost you. A man who is looking only for a fuck will ghost you no matter how many dates you went on.

This kinda falls under victim-blaming: you are not responsible for sussing out their true intentions through the lies. If you call it 'wrong' and he ghosts you after sex, it's not your fault!

OrangeShark27 · 09/02/2022 05:53

I think it very much depends on you. And isn't just a when you want to situation

If you are the type of person who is happy to have sex and if nothing comes of it oh well, then sure do it when you both want. Or if you are in the right frame of mind for this.

But if you know your the type of person who gets emotionally invested after having sex with someone, and you will get hurt if he just wanted sex then it's probably sensible to wait a bit longer

Casual sex isn't for everyone, and it's entirely dependent on the individual. You might sometimes be person a but right now are more of a b

You know yourself best. I think you are right to wait a bit, if you are not sure if it's right for you it's probably better to take a bit more time

OrangeShark27 · 09/02/2022 05:57

Also yes a man who is just after sex will probably ghost after however many dates, and waiting isn't a garuntee, but equally if he knows it's going to take 10 dates for a shag he's less likely to wait around

Plus it gives you more time to sus him out if he is a knob, there's more chance the mask will slip.

Simonjt · 09/02/2022 05:57

There isn’t one right answer, as everyones right time is different, you have to go with what works best for you. Having sex on a first date or after a few is unlikely to change the actual course of the relationship.

I waited four months, if we hadn’t stayed together it would have had no bearing on when we had sex, just as it wouldn’t if I had waited for a couple of dates.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/02/2022 09:01

"One study? You think that covers everyone then? "

There have been more than one study on the issue. Two or three people giving their personal experience on MN is not persuasive to me. Studies may not be perfect, but they are at least more scientific than your personal experience.

gannett · 09/02/2022 09:07

The methodology of the "study" that poster cited is extremely flawed to say the least anyway. Saying yes or no to randomly being offered sex by a stranger on the street has no bearing on whether I choose to have sex with someone I've met that night, when we'll have been introduced through friends, had a conversation, and I've had the chance to assess them rather than being accosted while going about my business.

BuddhaForMary · 09/02/2022 09:23

@Gwenhwyfar

"One study? You think that covers everyone then? "

Look, women know they're still judged on 'promiscuity' and therefore worry about being called trashy or easy. That likely skews the figures of these studies.

Upthread a poster said a man looking for a hookup just wants a 'free prostitute', alluding to the idea that a woman who agrees to it is being exactly that. So is it any wonder when women are approached in the street with the offer of sex for this 'study' that they'll likely turn it down??

I know a substantial amount of women who take a different man home most weekends or trawl dating apps for random hook ups.
Many women don't admit to that for fear of being branded a slut. It's about time women were allowed their sexual urges without being judged by outdated 'standards'.

Sex isn't always about an emotional connection, sometimes it's just sex.

And there are many, MANY women out there having sex with men they're not attracted to.

Rossnagoose · 09/02/2022 09:30

As soon as possible. I don’t want to start to like someone who later turns out to be dreadful in bed.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/02/2022 22:27

"Look, women know they're still judged on 'promiscuity' and therefore worry about being called trashy or easy. That likely skews the figures of these studies."

Yes, quite possible and the results did change over time with more recent ones having more women saying yes, although still fewer than men.

What is very persuasive for me is the huge difference in the number of straight men and women who use prostitutes.

Grumpsy · 09/02/2022 22:36

Sex seems to happen v soon in relationships now and yet we see that relationships are generally less successful - I think there's a correlation myself because I think there's a lot of especially young people having sex sooner than is right for them personally.

I had sex with my DH on the first date. We’ve been together nearly 12 years. I don’t think you can generalise that relationships breakdown because you had sex too quickly, they breakdown for all sorts of reasons, attributing it to one thing I think is naive.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 22:48

@Suprima

I agree with people saying that those who are nice guys won’t ghost you if you DTD first date- but I’d rather not let blokes inside of me on the chance that they aren’t nice guys. I don’t want my body to be used as a filter.

Brilliant post. I can't see the point in sex with someone I don't KNOW and you can't know them after two or three dates, no matter how much messaging you've been doing.

harbourlane · 09/02/2022 22:59

I once slept with a bloke about 2 hours after meeting him.

I've been married to him for 10 years now.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 23:06

@harbourlane

I once slept with a bloke about 2 hours after meeting him.

I've been married to him for 10 years now.

That was the case for two work colleagues who met at a festival. Married with two children now!

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