Heartbroken that things have ended over a misunderstanding

[Fallingslowly26]

I met a guy a few weeks ago on Hinge. Hit it off and met up for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Had an amazing first date, followed by an even better second date where we slept together.

I didn’t hear from him for two days after the date and had no idea whether he was still interested or not. I reached out to him and he texted back enthusiastically so assumed everything was fine.

We had a third date planned last week. 45 minutes beforehand, when I was already en route, he cancelled and said he couldn’t make it anymore due to a ‘family emergency’. That’s all he said - no further details given. I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped he was ok. He said he was fine. I then said I’d been looking forward to the date and that I understood why he’d want to cancel, but I’d be keen to still see him and the ball was in his court. He replied with ‘thank you for your understanding’.

His reply seemed cold and I think I already had it in the back of my mind that I was keener on him than he was on me, so I said I’d appreciate if he could be honest in this situation (I worried that this was an excuse). He replied saying his gran had had a stroke and when I replied saying that I was sorry and I hoped she pulled through, he didn’t reply at all.

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact. He explained that he had felt angry that I had ‘accused’ him of lying. I apologised and said I had reacted impulsively and that I had been confused by the vagueness of his text. However, unfortunately he told me that he had no interest in pursuing the relationship further. He admitted that he had been vague when cancelling plans and he understood why I may have thought it was an excuse as he hadn’t been clear, but the damage had already been done.

Really struggling to process this one - I have no idea whether I completely sabotaged this one , or whether he wasn’t very interested in the first place and just used my reaction as an excuse to cut things off…

There's a lot of threads on her about women being gutted a 2-3 month thing didn't work out - I'm here to tell you don't sweat it. There's plenty more and better where he came from. He wasn't your last shot at love. I know it's exhausting but you have to detach from the outcome and just roll with the punches as hard as it is! On to the next, lucky escape

Great and remember @miraveile right. There are plenty of men out there. I’m just hopeful you’ll get more comfortable seeing that your value is from within and not winning over these types of men. They are trash men and there are good looking men out there who will actually treat you right.

I advise to not date dorky or unattractive men in the hopes that they will treat you better. They will not. It’s all about finding a man who actually values you and who can truly accept that you value yourself.

This rando is only good for the insight it might bring you to break any cycles you have. Other than that? Be glad he hasn’t wormed his way deeper into your life!!!

Hard one to call as it depends if he was being honest in the first place. If my gran had had a stroke I wouldn't be too keen on someone I'd been on two dates with pressing me about my intentions towards them. However, he may well have been lying and was just not interested. Either way I think your text was a mistake as you will either have been too pushy when he was dealing with an emergency, or given a disinterested man the ammunition to say it was your fault that it didn't work. Better to have left it with the ball in your court text.

He’s a gaslighting lying fuckwit who gif his leg over, used a crappy excuse and then turned it all around on you to deflect any responsibility.

What a catch

Couldn't have said it better myself.

If my nan had passed away and I was getting texts as he was from you I'd be pretty pissed off too.
Back off?

@CoddledAsAMommet

He got a shag and that's all he was interested in.

Unfortunately I think this is what it is..sorry

He didn’t say his gran had a stroke at first. Only did when I questioned things. So how could I ask questions about her condition ? If he had just said this straight away I would have course been empathetic and would have been able to express concern. He didn’t even say it was anything to do with his gran. Just said family emergency.

You weren't empathic when he did say that his gran had a stroke! For all you know he was in an ambulance or at A&E or something or comforting his parent or having to make decisions about end of life care. He didn't owe you an explanation at that exact moment and "family emergency" should have been enough and being told his gran had a stroke certainly should have been. You should have waited. You don't know what was happening but chose to assume it was about you and confirmed that with your follow up message about him cutting contact. You've made this all about you. Yes he could've been lying but rather than give him the benefit of the doubt you confronted him rather than waiting. I've had many a family emergency like this over the past year with a family member who had a stroke and yes my messages to people were blunt and short and didn't explain the full situation because I was dealing with an extremely upsetting situation in front of me and yes I let people down at the last minute but thankfully nobody acted like you did.

Dreadful behaviour. He waited till 45 mins before and to avoid you rightly telling him he's a tosser for cancelling so late he's made up a family emergency. Then when you've asked he's turned it on you. As others have said - lucky escape. He could have just said no on the follow up text, could've cancelled well before, loads of possible ways to do it properly. He chose to be a dick instead.

[quote Fallingslowly26]@JustKittenAround feels like I’ve got a lot of work and self reflection to do. It has felt like a real pattern with me and my dating life. Where a guy will be super keen and as soon as he has got what he wants, there’s a noticeable pull-back. Feels like most of the time I can’t spot the signs at all :( This one seemed really into me before we slept together[/quote]
You want to read Women Who Love Too Much. It is the best explanation i have read of why (some) men do what they do, and how (many) women sabotage their own interests.