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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heartbroken that things have ended over a misunderstanding

134 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 22:23

I met a guy a few weeks ago on Hinge. Hit it off and met up for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Had an amazing first date, followed by an even better second date where we slept together.

I didn’t hear from him for two days after the date and had no idea whether he was still interested or not. I reached out to him and he texted back enthusiastically so assumed everything was fine.

We had a third date planned last week. 45 minutes beforehand, when I was already en route, he cancelled and said he couldn’t make it anymore due to a ‘family emergency’. That’s all he said - no further details given. I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped he was ok. He said he was fine. I then said I’d been looking forward to the date and that I understood why he’d want to cancel, but I’d be keen to still see him and the ball was in his court. He replied with ‘thank you for your understanding’.

His reply seemed cold and I think I already had it in the back of my mind that I was keener on him than he was on me, so I said I’d appreciate if he could be honest in this situation (I worried that this was an excuse). He replied saying his gran had had a stroke and when I replied saying that I was sorry and I hoped she pulled through, he didn’t reply at all.

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact. He explained that he had felt angry that I had ‘accused’ him of lying. I apologised and said I had reacted impulsively and that I had been confused by the vagueness of his text. However, unfortunately he told me that he had no interest in pursuing the relationship further. He admitted that he had been vague when cancelling plans and he understood why I may have thought it was an excuse as he hadn’t been clear, but the damage had already been done.

Really struggling to process this one - I have no idea whether I completely sabotaged this one , or whether he wasn’t very interested in the first place and just used my reaction as an excuse to cut things off…

OP posts:
Confuciusornis · 05/02/2022 23:39

Just saw your reply: yes, my experience was that early sex meant artificially high expectations of intimacy. It’s difficult because you know, we’re women, we have needs, and I really don’t buy into the idea that men don’t respect women who have sex with them quickly. But I found that it’s so much easier to maintain perspective — both about guys dropping out of touch and also about how much I actually liked them — if I hadn’t slept with them.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 23:42

@Confuciusornis Yes definitely. I think I felt an emotional connection to him so when he hit me with the vague ‘family emergency’ thing, it felt as though he was addressing me as a stranger he didn’t want to let in, rather than someone he was trying to build towards something with. I expected too much too soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 23:45

@Shitandhills I have been hurt in the past with people giving me excuses after sex and before they ghost, and I guess I panicked and acted out a bit. I am probably a lot less ready to date than I thought I was

OP posts:
Faevern · 05/02/2022 23:47

You can’t be heartbroken you hardly know him. I think you may need to toughen up for OLD. He was never going to text after sex, he was always going to cancel the 3rd date. It wasn’t a misunderstanding and he reacted by shifting the blame to you.

SGBK4682 · 05/02/2022 23:48

You need to work on protecting yourself emotionally. Saying you are 'heartbroken' after two days is OTT. Disappointed maybe, would be an appropriate emotion. A man will always contact you if they want to. Not being in touch is a sure sign of lack of interest. There was no misunderstanding - or, at least, only on your side. He would have been very apologetic and suggesting an alternative time if it had really been an unavoidable family emergency. He was annoyed because he knew you were trying to call him out in a lie and he didn't want to admit it.

SGBK4682 · 05/02/2022 23:50

Two dates

CafeConLechePorFavor · 05/02/2022 23:51

Wonder how many grans he's had who have had a stroke during such situations.

Sorry, OP. Onwards and upwards.

Confuciusornis · 05/02/2022 23:52

It’s really hard to say. PP may be right and he could be a dick and a liar. Who knows. Onwards and upwards. Dating is fucking brutal, if you ask me, so don’t beat yourself up about this.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 23:58

@Faevern not entirely sure why he would agree to a third date if his heart wasn’t in it. I’ve learnt the hard way that no follow up after sex should speak volumes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 06/02/2022 00:00

@SGBK4682 Yep, he wasn’t overly apologetic or offering to reschedule and that’s what made me think he didn’t really care

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 06/02/2022 00:12

You jumped to the correct conclusion on this one op. He basically ghosted you for 2 days after sex - nobody who wants a relationship with someone does that.
If he'd heard about his gran at any point before when you'd need to set off for the date, and he was a decent, thoughtful person -the kind you'd want to date - he would of told you sooner. What are the chances that he got the news within an hour of your date? You enquired further because of his prior poor behaviour, that was reasonable. Did he apologize, have a good reason for his 2 day silence? He let you down badly after sex, then he cancelled so late that you'd already set off - any reasonable person would question that.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 00:18

You dodged a bullet there.

I suspect he was lying, and if he wasn’t he is Mr Chippy.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 06/02/2022 00:19

@Opentooffers I think I was in denial a bit about the ghosting after sex. Convinced myself it was him waiting for me to reach out to him and was telling myself that waiting for the man to contact first was something outdated and archaic.

OP posts:
DixonD · 06/02/2022 00:24

@undetetected

Every time I hear 'family emergency' I think lie, it's just so vague and avoidant.

Doesn't sound long you've lost anything important here, you'll meet someone better soon I hope!

Yep. Phoebe made this very point in Friends.
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2022 00:48

@CoddledAsAMommet

He got a shag and that's all he was interested in.
This. Really, jumping into bed with them so quickly sets you up for this. There seem to be so many arses who will take advantage and then chuck. Sleeping with a guy so quickly would make me feel vulnerable. I don't know why people do it, as it creates false intimacy and false feelings.
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/02/2022 00:49

And yes you have dodged a bullet, like someone upthread said.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/02/2022 00:54

He wanted an easy shag and got it. Raise your standards and don't jump into bed so quickly if you're looking for a real, long-term relationship.

Goldenegg90 · 06/02/2022 00:59
Flowers
Shitandhills · 06/02/2022 01:31

@Fallingslowly26 yes, with kindness, it does sound rather that you're not ready to date at the moment. Sorry you've been hurt before. The dating game can be savage. I was in a shit dating spiral for a couple of years, was accepting shitty behaviour and acting a bit nuts and attracting flaky guys. I couldn't even maintain a no strings fuckbuddy, he also flaked out! I went to two sessions of therapy and it was like I just immediately started putting out a different aura. I didn't change anything consciously but the next 3 guys on the trot treated me how I wanted to be treated e.g. clear that they were interested, reliable in setting up dates and texting afterwards, polite when parting ways. I've been with the third guy for over 5 years, we're engaged and expecting our second baby any day now.

JustKittenAround · 06/02/2022 02:59

No judgement…. I e done worse.

But maybe consider how you feel after having sex, and the fact that it’s a lot of trust to be vulnerable like that… maybe wait much much longer?

This isn’t a shame thing but really a safety thing. Plus wouldn’t it be nice to get to know someone and then decide? Plus the dates and the build up? All of that?

It’ll also weed out the men who are really in it for the sex… all without that part of you feeling sad….

Again, my “body count” is … something to behold. No shame from me. But once I realized what I wanted it was easier to uphold my boundaries and take things slow. The quality of my relationships after we’re much higher!

GiantHaystacks2021 · 06/02/2022 03:01

Sorry, yes, he got his hole and now he's no longer interested.

sbardy18 · 06/02/2022 03:06

@CoddledAsAMommet

He got a shag and that's all he was interested in.
That was my immediate thought too, unfortunately dating websites don't have the best reputation at times!
PinkSyCo · 06/02/2022 03:06

You did absolutely nothing wrong. He’s a user and a liar who is probably onto his next victim now. Maybe take things a bit slower next time and let them do a bit of the running.

1forAll74 · 06/02/2022 03:39

It's all a bit too quick ,, you have had two dates, and slept together, and that's it,. I would never ever be getting in contact with someone under these circumstances,, especially as they have flaked off..

DoYouSeaWhatISea · 06/02/2022 04:01

I realized that I was the kind of person who, when dating, would get too invested too early, especially when I’d slept with someone. Once I’d figured this out, I took more time getting to know someone before I slept with them.

You sound a bit like me, maybe try a different way of doing things so you don’t get hurt or involved as easily.