Heartbroken that things have ended over a misunderstanding

[Fallingslowly26]

I met a guy a few weeks ago on Hinge. Hit it off and met up for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Had an amazing first date, followed by an even better second date where we slept together.

I didn’t hear from him for two days after the date and had no idea whether he was still interested or not. I reached out to him and he texted back enthusiastically so assumed everything was fine.

We had a third date planned last week. 45 minutes beforehand, when I was already en route, he cancelled and said he couldn’t make it anymore due to a ‘family emergency’. That’s all he said - no further details given. I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped he was ok. He said he was fine. I then said I’d been looking forward to the date and that I understood why he’d want to cancel, but I’d be keen to still see him and the ball was in his court. He replied with ‘thank you for your understanding’.

His reply seemed cold and I think I already had it in the back of my mind that I was keener on him than he was on me, so I said I’d appreciate if he could be honest in this situation (I worried that this was an excuse). He replied saying his gran had had a stroke and when I replied saying that I was sorry and I hoped she pulled through, he didn’t reply at all.

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact. He explained that he had felt angry that I had ‘accused’ him of lying. I apologised and said I had reacted impulsively and that I had been confused by the vagueness of his text. However, unfortunately he told me that he had no interest in pursuing the relationship further. He admitted that he had been vague when cancelling plans and he understood why I may have thought it was an excuse as he hadn’t been clear, but the damage had already been done.

Really struggling to process this one - I have no idea whether I completely sabotaged this one , or whether he wasn’t very interested in the first place and just used my reaction as an excuse to cut things off…

Either he used you relieve a sex itch and was never interested in more, or had no interest in developing a relationship with a woman who has sex so quickly (those men still exist), or he probably didn't enjoy the sex.

Good riddance for you.

It was clearly an excuse and opportunity to blame you. You need to be less eager though. And obviously Don’t sleep with someone if your not confident and secure in the status of the relationship.

@sammylady37 Yeah technically he didn’t owe me anything if he was viewing it as a casual thing. I guess he made that clear when not giving me the details of what had happened. I had hoped that he actually liked me and saw this going somewhere, but I was clearly deluding myself.

OP, I think you need to work on your boundaries and your self respect before you try dating again.
It’s fine to have casual sex on a second date, if that’s what you really want, but only if you can remain emotionally detached and not get hurt when the chap sees it as a cheap shag.
You don’t have to agree to sex with anyone who asks, and you shouldn’t have it in hopes that it will foster intimacy or make the chap want to stay around or care about you.
Valuing yourself means taking the time to develop a relationship and getting to know a chap before deciding if he is worth having sex with. Your feelings matter as much as his. I hope you find a better partner, and avoid the selfish ones looking for a one night stand, in future. Good luck.

@Babdoc This felt like what I wanted at the time. I was really caught up in the attraction to him. The crushing disappointment when he didn’t follow up after sex made me feel upset. Couldn’t get my head around how he might have lost interest after this

@Faevern

You can’t be heartbroken you hardly know him. I think you may need to toughen up for OLD. He was never going to text after sex, he was always going to cancel the 3rd date. It wasn’t a misunderstanding and he reacted by shifting the blame to you.

This may sound harsh but it’s 100% right.

There was no relationship to end - you had two dates. There’s no “ shutting you out “, you have met twice.

Why is it odd that he didn’t want to give you any indication of what was going on ? You are strangers who have met twice.

Yet you are very emotionally invested and you talk as if you were in a relationship and he owed you something. I’m not trying to be unkind but you have built this up in your head to be something it’s not.

Are you sure that having casual sex with strangers on a second date is the right thing for you? Because I suspect that’s party the reason why you are so invested in this man that you hardly know .

[quote Fallingslowly26]@Babdoc This felt like what I wanted at the time. I was really caught up in the attraction to him. The crushing disappointment when he didn’t follow up after sex made me feel upset. Couldn’t get my head around how he might have lost interest after this[/quote]
You are assuming that he was interested in a relationship and you somehow spoiled it by saying the wrong thing.

But it’s much more likely that he never was interested in anything more than having sex. Once he had done that he moved on - that’s why he didn’t text you afterwards. That’s why he cancelled the “ third date “.

That third date was never going to happen. He just used your response as an excuse.

@I0NA you’re right. I have feelings of guilt for asking more questions about the situation when I know deep down that if he had been keen, that would not have been something he would have reacted badly to.

There was no family emergency he just didn’t want to take it further and is making you look
Like the bad person in this. You’ve done nothing wrong, he’s not nice. Lucky escape!

@WonderfulYou

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact.

I think you were quite rude and I wouldn’t want to see you either.

He said he had an emergency and you questioned him on it and tried to make him feel guilty for nothing explaining properly.

Then you reached out not to ask him how he’s feeling and if his Gran is ok but to say about your feelings again and how hurt you are - it’s all very one sided and you sound quite selfish.

I had to cancel a date last night as I had a family emergency - no further explanation was required as it’s private and they didn’t ask.

Yep. Of course he could have been lying, but assuming he wasn't, your message was really weird. I'm surprised that I find myself in the minority here. Not to mention that the quickest way to discover if he was lying or not would have been to express concern and ask lots of questions about her condition,as well as that being the sort of conversation that any decent (and empathic) person would have with him anyway.

@saraclara He didn’t say his gran had a stroke at first. Only did when I questioned things. So how could I ask questions about her condition ? If he had just said this straight away I would have course been empathetic and would have been able to express concern. He didn’t even say it was anything to do with his gran. Just said family emergency.

He is lying, pure and simple and trying to make you feel guilty for his actions.

You have done nothing wrong.

The reality is that he was never that interested and got what he wanted from you (sex) then disappeared.

If he was keen on you, he would have messaged you proactively to say that he was dealing with a family emergency but had enjoyed his time with you and would contact you to arrange to meet when things were a bit more settled. My feeling is that this is an excuse anyway and there was no emergency...

I would really advise you when doing OLD to be really careful and take your time when interacting with someone you just met.

Personally I would not sleep with a man on the 2nd date simply because at that stage you still know very little about him.

@ElectraBlue Yes, I know what I would have done to try and let the person know that this was completely unexpected, I do value their time etc. It’s a learning for next time - don’t get swept up in the excitement of it all and make sure I really know the person before intimacy! As this has hurt .

Move on, you wouldn't want to be in a relationship where you're continually in fear of treading on egg shells.

[quote Shitandhills]**@cherrytopcake* Errrr they slept together - sorry but you don't get to sleep with someone then go quiet on them.* Whilst i agree it is shitty behaviour on his part, it's not really a case of 'getting to' act like this. The sad reality is that if somebody is not interested, it's fairly standard practice not to get in touch. Doesn't make it very nice, but after two dates I don't think the guy really owes OP that much - sadly OP has got way more invested than the guy and ignored the quite obvious signs that he's not interested. I think the obvious answer here is if you're going to get invested after sleeping with somebody, leave it a good few dates before you do so.[/quote]
Yes it does seem common practice nowadays to ghost someone if no longer interested. Or feed them BS excuses. A decent man would not have acted like he did.

He wasn’t that into you. Move on.

@CornishTiger

He got what he wanted on date 2 and didn’t contact you afterwards. That’s pretty telling.

I’d suggest you hold off on the sex based on what you’ve said about doubts surfacing in the past. You need to be confidence and self assured when dating. You are the prize and you don’t need to chase them.

You were being a kind interested friend asking if he was ok- he was being cold , aloof and rude.

My brother has a divorced friend, Tony, who I don't like at all. He is on Plenty of Fish, Tinder and probably other platforms. He tells my brother that he is only interested in getting as many shags as he wants and tells women what they want to hear. I've asked my brother why he even bothers to stay friends with him (they are old mates from school, don't see each other much except the odd drink now and again) as they are chalk and cheese.

I guess there are a lot of Tonys around. It's weeding them out, if you want a long term thing, I guess.

@Somuddled

You met him twice and then pushed for info at a time when he had something for more important to be dealing with. If it were me I would have backed away from you too. If I were mid family emergency and someone so new expected me to give them the details just to reassure themselves I wouldn't appreciate that at all. You live and learn though OP.

Having sex with someone creates that false intimacy, which is why the dynamic is so screwed up.

@cherrytopcake Felt like I convinced myself that he was waiting for me to reach out to him when we all know that if a guy is interested, he’ll follow up asap!

A man won’t wait for you to reach out after sex. That would be ridiculously rare. They know it’s on them to contact you and they will do so if they like you.

Reaching out made you look needy but he wasn’t going to take you out again unless he needed more sex. He was benching you, but you pushed it and this guy decided to lie as you weren’t worth the trouble to him.

Either way, be glad you won’t hear from him again. Even if you got benched he would just be stringing you along and using you more.

Please consider some books on boundaries and relationships. Read about knowing your worth. Get empowered. Check out why you shouldn’t chase a man.

Please for your own safety and if you want a relationship stop putting out so quickly. Also, learn to accept that sometimes no message is in fact a message. You pick yourself up and move on with dignity. This man wasn’t worth a text from you.

You gotta block him and move on. He simply took what you gave to him freely, but didn’t even have the courtesy to give you the respect of the truth.

Really take some time to at least read and figure out boundaries that you are comfortable with.

Sorry to say he’s a user and you’re best to forget the waste of space and move on x

@JustKittenAround feels like I’ve got a lot of work and self reflection to do. It has felt like a real pattern with me and my dating life. Where a guy will be super keen and as soon as he has got what he wants, there’s a noticeable pull-back. Feels like most of the time I can’t spot the signs at all :( This one seemed really into me before we slept together

MANY men are like that, it’s just about taking the time to vet anyone your dating and to be firm in your own worth.

I suggest you go to female dating strategy sub on Reddit. They have a “handbook” for free on their page. Read it. They also have resources of where to start. People can judge that subreddit as much as they want but it has great info on realizing your own potential and value.

@JustKittenAround 100%

@JustKittenAround Seems like I always go for the handsome cocky bastards who come across as their perfect gentlemen but only have one thing in mind !! feels like I’m drawn to them . I will take a loook at the Reddit page