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Original poster

Heartbroken that things have ended over a misunderstanding

134 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 22:23

I met a guy a few weeks ago on Hinge. Hit it off and met up for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Had an amazing first date, followed by an even better second date where we slept together.

I didn’t hear from him for two days after the date and had no idea whether he was still interested or not. I reached out to him and he texted back enthusiastically so assumed everything was fine.

We had a third date planned last week. 45 minutes beforehand, when I was already en route, he cancelled and said he couldn’t make it anymore due to a ‘family emergency’. That’s all he said - no further details given. I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped he was ok. He said he was fine. I then said I’d been looking forward to the date and that I understood why he’d want to cancel, but I’d be keen to still see him and the ball was in his court. He replied with ‘thank you for your understanding’.

His reply seemed cold and I think I already had it in the back of my mind that I was keener on him than he was on me, so I said I’d appreciate if he could be honest in this situation (I worried that this was an excuse). He replied saying his gran had had a stroke and when I replied saying that I was sorry and I hoped she pulled through, he didn’t reply at all.

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact. He explained that he had felt angry that I had ‘accused’ him of lying. I apologised and said I had reacted impulsively and that I had been confused by the vagueness of his text. However, unfortunately he told me that he had no interest in pursuing the relationship further. He admitted that he had been vague when cancelling plans and he understood why I may have thought it was an excuse as he hadn’t been clear, but the damage had already been done.

Really struggling to process this one - I have no idea whether I completely sabotaged this one , or whether he wasn’t very interested in the first place and just used my reaction as an excuse to cut things off…

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 05/02/2022 22:42

He was busted, that’s all, and he went on the attack. DARVO and all.

You’re well rid of him. The glowy feelings weren’t anything to do with the real him or a real possibility.

Solely · 05/02/2022 22:46

Be grateful you've invested two dates and no more. It's so easy to over analyse, but it will never give the answers...just feed you more thoughts which ultimately will lead to self criticism. It simply didn't work out. It doesn't matter whether 'we' think he's lying or whether 'we' think it was handled wrong. It just didn't work out.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 22:46

@AtrociousCircumstance

He was busted, that’s all, and he went on the attack. DARVO and all.

You’re well rid of him. The glowy feelings weren’t anything to do with the real him or a real possibility.

I was definitely ignoring some red flags too. He told me on the date that he ‘didn’t have much empathy’ - should have listened to that warning sign!!
OP posts:
cherrytopcake · 05/02/2022 22:46

@Fallingslowly26 yes you know deep down he was making you feel bad and making out you're crazy because he knew you're not that gullible and has been caught out. Typical behaviour for an A-hole.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 22:51

@cherrytopcake I do think his gran was ill, however making out I’m crazy for simplicity questioning things just shows he wasn’t interested in the first place. If I had to suddenly bail on someone I was into, I’d make it very clear that I was keen to reschedule ASAP

OP posts:
Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 22:56

[quote SparklingLime]Here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4462482-Dating-Thread-224-Keeping-it-casual-or-searching-for-The-One[/quote]
Thanks for this @SparklingLime, will have to hang out on here a bit more I think …

OP posts:
cherrytopcake · 05/02/2022 22:57

@Fallingslowly26 exactly. Like others have said, try not to spend too much time analysing. You did nothing wrong.

SportsMother · 05/02/2022 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonderfulYou · 05/02/2022 23:02

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact.

I think you were quite rude and I wouldn’t want to see you either.

He said he had an emergency and you questioned him on it and tried to make him feel guilty for nothing explaining properly.

Then you reached out not to ask him how he’s feeling and if his Gran is ok but to say about your feelings again and how hurt you are - it’s all very one sided and you sound quite selfish.

I had to cancel a date last night as I had a family emergency - no further explanation was required as it’s private and they didn’t ask.

Opentooffers · 05/02/2022 23:06

It's a shame that his Gran happened to have a stroke 45 mins before your date, but as you know, the writing was on the wall before that.
Basically, after sex, if you don't hear off them the next day, it's never a good sign, and you waited 2 days! It was not a miscommunication, it was already done by then, he didn't accidentally not text you for 2 days, raise your standards, he should not have been offered a 3rd date.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 23:09

@Opentooffers deep down I knew it was a bad sign that he didn’t reach out after sex. However I tried to convince myself that ‘he was waiting for me to text’.. I gave him the benefit of the doubt then. But then cancelling and being vague about why touched a raw nerve as I think it confirmed what I already feared

OP posts:
Oldtiredfedup · 05/02/2022 23:12

He’s a gaslighting lying fuckwit who gif his leg over, used a crappy excuse and then turned it all around on you to deflect any responsibility.

What a catch

ChickenStripper · 05/02/2022 23:12

He's lying. They always have family emergencies.

Summerfun54321 · 05/02/2022 23:13

Yeah sorry I’m with @WonderfulYou on this one. My gran died recently and I’ve been heartbroken. If someone I’d been on only 2 dates with doubted my reason for cancelling then contacted me only a week later with no empathy only thoughts for themselves, I definitely wouldn’t want to see them again. You’ll never know if his gran genuinely died, but I think most people would give someone they liked the benefit of the doubt or at least pretend to be empathetic.

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 23:14

@WonderfulYou I definitely didn’t mean to come across as rude. I think the bluntness of his text (coupled with the fact that he’d been a bit more distant after us having sex) just sent my anxiety into overdrive and I felt like I needed some clarity.

OP posts:
User8721643839 · 05/02/2022 23:14

You killed the chase when you had sex on the second date...

Nailsbythesea · 05/02/2022 23:18

@SparklingLime

You do sound very naive and gullible. I think to be doing OLD and keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically, you need to be more aware of the common shady behaviours. Hang out on the OLD thread on here.

The fact that he didn’t communicate clearly (most likely lied), then turned it around to blame you, and you are accepting this as potentially your fault is worrying.

Lucky escape - he’s being rude and cancelling when you had already left - emergency or not he should be apologised - more likely his wife told him that he wasn’t going to the gym four nights in a row. And he’s gas lighting you into apologising - bloody hell - move on and block and grow a bit more self esteem
Confuciusornis · 05/02/2022 23:20

The guy might have been lying (and if that’s the case then you’re best shot of him as escalating to ‘granny had a stroke’ when challenged would be a real dick move) but honestly, if you had to cancel under these circs and your date initially said ‘ok, but I was looking forward to it — you call me’ and then ‘are you lying, mate?’ would you want to see him again? Because I wouldn’t! I’d probably think he was self absorbed and insecure. I’d also be pretty peeved that he thought I seemed like the kind of person who would lie about a family emergency to get out of a date! I get that it feels shitty to be stood up and to wonder if you’re being fobbed off, but I think you have to ask yourself what you were looking for when you challenged him. If he was the sort of guy who’d make up family emergencies to avoid you do you think he’d just ‘fess up when asked? Seems unlikely. So I assume you were hoping for reassurance. And honestly, if he really did have a family emergency do you think it’s reasonable to expect him to take time out of that to send soothing messages and extra detail to someone he’d previously met twice?

Viviennemary · 05/02/2022 23:22

You did nothing wrong. He is bring pathetic blaming you. He just doesn't want to continue the relationship. The cancelling at the last minute was a red flag.

Flickflak · 05/02/2022 23:28

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 23:28

@Confuciusornis Tbh I do think I was probably
looking for some form of reassurance. The fact that he pulled away after sex and then cancelled made me jump to conclusions. I wouldn’t have been worried about it but the vagueness seemed quite odd. Think sleeping with someone early on can make you feel an unnatural closeness with someone sometimes when you don’t really know them and so I resented the fact he didn’t want to tell me what was actually wrong - but really, we don’t actually know each other very well

OP posts:
Popalina65 · 05/02/2022 23:28

He’s a bloody snowflake…. Get back on hinge…. Move on x

Shitandhills · 05/02/2022 23:30

He sounds like a bit of a chump, but you also sound like you were wayyyy more invested than is healthy after two dates. To say that you're now 'heartbroken' is a bit OTT in my book, particularly when you're talking about having had red flags and knowing deep down he wasn't that interested. Doesn't exactly sound like the love story of the century even before the text exchange. And texting him again to ask him if he was being 'honest' was also OTT and out of proportion.

Sounds like you might need to do a bit of work on yourself before dating again.

Sonaftersonafterson · 05/02/2022 23:31

Liar liar pants on fire.

Better than having his pants on your bedroom floor and THEN finding out he's a lying twat.

Confuciusornis · 05/02/2022 23:35

Sorry, posted too soon. I just wanted to add that although it feels bad now I think your first, generous impulse that made you contact him after you slept together is actually the one to hang on to. Yes, there are some bad guys, or, more often, careless guys out there (and if you find being ghosted on after sex painful you might want to wait until you know someone better before you go to bed with him). But if you treat men you like as though they’re shitty people who probably don’t even like you all that much you’re going to make it a lot less likely that any of the good ones you stumble across will want to stick around. I know when I was dating I was much more comfortable with men who seemed open and confident than I was with men who acted as though I was probably only out with them for a free meal, or got shirty because I was too busy to meet for a couple of weeks.

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