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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Heartbroken that things have ended over a misunderstanding

134 replies

Fallingslowly26 · 05/02/2022 22:23

I met a guy a few weeks ago on Hinge. Hit it off and met up for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Had an amazing first date, followed by an even better second date where we slept together.

I didn’t hear from him for two days after the date and had no idea whether he was still interested or not. I reached out to him and he texted back enthusiastically so assumed everything was fine.

We had a third date planned last week. 45 minutes beforehand, when I was already en route, he cancelled and said he couldn’t make it anymore due to a ‘family emergency’. That’s all he said - no further details given. I said I was sorry to hear that and that I hoped he was ok. He said he was fine. I then said I’d been looking forward to the date and that I understood why he’d want to cancel, but I’d be keen to still see him and the ball was in his court. He replied with ‘thank you for your understanding’.

His reply seemed cold and I think I already had it in the back of my mind that I was keener on him than he was on me, so I said I’d appreciate if he could be honest in this situation (I worried that this was an excuse). He replied saying his gran had had a stroke and when I replied saying that I was sorry and I hoped she pulled through, he didn’t reply at all.

This was a week ago, and today I reached out to say I felt upset he had cut contact. He explained that he had felt angry that I had ‘accused’ him of lying. I apologised and said I had reacted impulsively and that I had been confused by the vagueness of his text. However, unfortunately he told me that he had no interest in pursuing the relationship further. He admitted that he had been vague when cancelling plans and he understood why I may have thought it was an excuse as he hadn’t been clear, but the damage had already been done.

Really struggling to process this one - I have no idea whether I completely sabotaged this one , or whether he wasn’t very interested in the first place and just used my reaction as an excuse to cut things off…

OP posts:

JustKittenAround · 06/02/2022 04:03

@1forAll74 this is a learning moment because I agree … the circumstances are what they are. It’s important to recognize that!

Still I like how big of a coward this guy was…. Like come on. If his gran had a stroke or whatever he would literally call her and tell her. He would be fraught (since it’s enough of a relationship to cancel a date with someone he was physically intimate with and supposedly was interested in seeing)

He just wanted to keep OP on the bench of potential easy hook ups. But she got a little too loud for his liking and so he decided to become self justified over a fake granny
emergency… (thinking to himself “wow look how she acted toward my fake grandma drama… what if it was real??? What a witch!”

The important thing @Fallingslowly26 OP needs to learn is that she is worthy of better. She shouldn’t chase men as they will move mountains to get what they want. Men (most) you’re not in a relationship with aren’t going to pay mind to your feelings… hookups are just that to them.. (Jerks) if you’d turned him down for sex he might act the same way.

But most of all? You deserve better.

Once I got my self respect (work in progress) I turned down a date to have sex. Guy was so shocked and surprised!!! So sad he took me out for a few dinners!! But then started to act like he’d call me as i rushed to be alone. He didn’t for at least a week. I didn’t accept the call or his later efforts to reach me.

He would have done the same if I had sex with him….. well… Except for the furtive obsessive contacting after…. Either way he was a trash man.

QuantumHypothesis · 06/02/2022 05:26

@CoddledAsAMommet

He got a shag and that's all he was interested in.

This.

Slow down next time @Fallingslowly26.

Somuddled · 06/02/2022 05:45

You met him twice and then pushed for info at a time when he had something for more important to be dealing with. If it were me I would have backed away from you too. If I were mid family emergency and someone so new expected me to give them the details just to reassure themselves I wouldn't appreciate that at all. You live and learn though OP.

oatmilk4breakfast · 06/02/2022 05:59

He got what he wanted already I’m afraid. Why are some men like this? Be careful with reading tone into text messages tho

AuntieMaggie · 06/02/2022 06:02

I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who had made such a fuss when I'd just told them a family member was ill. You made it all about you and showed no concern for them at all and if you were like this after 2 dates what would you be like longer term?! Yes you had a right to ask where you stood but you could've waited - you had no idea what he was dealing with at that moment and you possibly made a traumatic moment worse.

cherrytopcake · 06/02/2022 08:14

@Somuddled

Errrr they slept together - sorry but you don't get to sleep with someone then go quiet on them. Nowadays we're all glued to our phones so whether his grandmother had a stroke or not, a re assuring text from him could have nipped the whole situation in the bud.

sammylady37 · 06/02/2022 08:17

@Somuddled

I agree with this. There’s a strong possibility the family emergency excuse was just that, an excise, but if it was genuine, and someone reacted the way the op did on the night and then again a week later, I’d end things too. And those saying if it was genuine he’d be trying to reschedule- really? With his gran seriously ill, not knowing how the next few days will go, knowing he would need to be at her bedside or doing things for family, maybe planning a funeral etc, of course he’s not going to be able to reschedule the date.

I once dumped a boyfriend who threw a strop when I cancelled a planned evening in to be at the bedside of a dying aunt. He reacted badly, accused me of not prioritizing him (damn right, my beloved aunt had been in my life since the day I was born, I knew this guy a few months) and made it all about him. On the day she was buried (I’m in Ireland so funerals take place within days of death here) I got a trite text “Thinking of you at this sad time”, which added insult to injury.

cherrytopcake · 06/02/2022 08:19

[quote JustKittenAround]@1forAll74 this is a learning moment because I agree … the circumstances are what they are. It’s important to recognize that!

The important thing @Fallingslowly26 OP needs to learn is that she is worthy of better. She shouldn’t chase men as they will move mountains to get what they want. Men (most) you’re not in a relationship with aren’t going to pay mind to your feelings… hookups are just that to them.. (Jerks) if you’d turned him down for sex he might act the same way.

But most of all? You deserve better.

He would have done the same if I had sex with him….. well… Except for the furtive obsessive contacting after…. Either way he was a trash man.[/quote]
Completely agree. Op didn't make it about herself or didn't become needy. She wanted honestly from someone she had been intimate with. He's a pig.

MushMonster · 06/02/2022 08:24

He was not that interested in the first place.
Just forget about this one.
Keep looking.
I think you should not contact them that much. Let them take the lead, because that will show you if they are interested.

MumofAdultMIA · 06/02/2022 08:25

OP you dodged a bullet. I'm an OLD veteran and I'm all for 'going with the flow' if it feels right but what you've demonstrated is the danger of sleeping with someone too soon. If he's really keen he'll be prepared to wait a little longer...and if he won't - well that's your answer (without the self doubt you have now).

litterbird · 06/02/2022 08:27

Oh OP, sorry to hear this. As once a veteran of OLD I have had many 'family emergency' texts just before the date, a couple of 'my dog is ill and need to go to the vet', several 'my pipes in the house have just burst' texts and the classic 'my shed just caught on fire' text. Its fine to have sex after the second date if thats what you want but from now on do not expect them to see you again. I learnt never to give myself so quickly after a few bad experiences. So, learn never to start questioning them by texting back. If his nan is ill, its code word for I dont want to see you again as I have another date lined up and want to be with them instead. Its like learning a new language when you do OLD. x

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 06/02/2022 08:30

@sammylady37 I think if he had just said ‘gran has had a stroke’ or ‘family member is unfortunately seriously ill’ I would have immediately dropped it. Telling me ‘family emergency’ with no other details was quite blunt. I have lost three grandparents. I know what it’s like when you hear the news that they’re suddenly not well and you definitely wouldn’t want to meet up with anyone socially. You would try to be at their bedside if he could. But if I had plans with another person, I would have definitely provided at least one line of explanation and made it clear that I was genuinely sorry to not be seeing them just to avoid any confusion. Of course I sympathised with any family struggles he was going through but I found it odd that he didn’t want me to have any indication of what was actually going on

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 06/02/2022 08:31

@CoddledAsAMommet

He got a shag and that's all he was interested in.

Exactly

GeneLovesJezebel · 06/02/2022 08:32

He got what he wanted on the second date, then moved on.

Shitandhills · 06/02/2022 08:34

@cherrytopcake Errrr they slept together - sorry but you don't get to sleep with someone then go quiet on them. Whilst i agree it is shitty behaviour on his part, it's not really a case of 'getting to' act like this. The sad reality is that if somebody is not interested, it's fairly standard practice not to get in touch. Doesn't make it very nice, but after two dates I don't think the guy really owes OP that much - sadly OP has got way more invested than the guy and ignored the quite obvious signs that he's not interested. I think the obvious answer here is if you're going to get invested after sleeping with somebody, leave it a good few dates before you do so.

CornishTiger · 06/02/2022 08:35

He got what he wanted on date 2 and didn’t contact you afterwards. That’s pretty telling.

I’d suggest you hold off on the sex based on what you’ve said about doubts surfacing in the past. You need to be confidence and self assured when dating. You are the prize and you don’t need to chase them.

You were being a kind interested friend asking if he was ok- he was being cold , aloof and rude.

Lampan · 06/02/2022 08:37

The gran thing sounds like quite an obvious lie, especially following the flaky communication before it. You shouldn’t have chased up on it, silence would have been better cos obviously nobody wants to waste more of their time on a liar. On the off chance it was true and he was keen, he would have come back to explain.
You had only met him twice, he doesn’t owe you anything. Honestly would obviously be better but there is a lot of this shit online. If his gran really was ill I can completely understand why he would be annoyed, though since this was most likely an obvious lie, the best thing is to chalk it up to experience and move on.

Shitandhills · 06/02/2022 08:38

@Fallingslowly26 But if I had plans with another person, I would have definitely provided at least one line of explanation and made it clear that I was genuinely sorry to not be seeing them just to avoid any confusion.

Sorry to be brutal, but he wasn't genuinely sorry to not be seeing you... that's the point. That right there was him telling you he's not interested (and his behaviour beforehand was also telling you this, if you'd have chosen to listen...) Cowardly behaviour perhaps, but fairly clear.

ufucoffee · 06/02/2022 08:41

The fact he didn't contact you after you had sex on the second date was all you needed to know.

Pyewhacket · 06/02/2022 08:41

I guess you'll never know. Just one of those things.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 06/02/2022 08:46

@Lampan I do think his gran was ill but it was almost as though he couldn’t be bothered to take 2 secs to provide me with an explanation. Feels like if he’d have been genuinely interested he’d have shared what was happening. I then of course would have been very sympathetic

OP posts:

LightSpeeds · 06/02/2022 08:48

If you slept with him then didn't hear anything from him for two days he was already bailing out at that point.

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 06/02/2022 08:52

@Shitandhills No, and I realise this. I was just trying to ignore the signs that he didn’t really care. I think asking him for honesty in the situation was just me looking for signs that he actually was interested as I felt he was shutting me out. I got my answer loud and clear!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fallingslowly26 · 06/02/2022 08:55

@CornishTiger yes it was the coldness and aloofness that really got to me on those texts. Again, I think I confused the charm he was putting on me ok the first and second dates with genuine interest.

OP posts:

sammylady37 · 06/02/2022 08:55

[quote Fallingslowly26]@Lampan I do think his gran was ill but it was almost as though he couldn’t be bothered to take 2 secs to provide me with an explanation. Feels like if he’d have been genuinely interested he’d have shared what was happening. I then of course would have been very sympathetic[/quote]
You seem to think he owes you this- the reality is you had met him twice and had sex with him. Up until recently you were strangers. Now you’re someone he’s met twice and fucked. It was casual sex, it couldn’t have been anything else at this stage as you were just casual acquaintances. He didn’t owe you more detail about a loved one of his at this point.
If you can’t accept just how casual the situation was, and think that having had sex brings it up to a whole new intensity, then casual sex on a second date really isn’t for you.

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