Shit situation and so sad about it.

[LittleAmp]

My boyfriend and I are part of a large friendship group that we were part of for several years before we got together. We've only been together for a few months.

Before Christmas, we all went out and he said something that really upset me. I won't say what it was because I don't want people to focus on that. It was a something and a nothing. Some people would say walk away over it and others wouldn't have a problem with it. In the context of our group, it was normal but specifically what he said triggered a deal seated fear and insecurity of mine related to previous trauma and a long established core belief that I'm not good enough.

I spoke to him about it the following day. He apologised unreservedly, gave me the space and time I needed to process it without making it about him and made efforts to show me with his actions that it was a silly comment he'd meant nothing by.

I accepted his apology and believe wholeheartedly that it was sincere and genuine.

We meet up with this friendship group weekly but the person this comment pertained to hasn't been out with us until this week.

I thought I was ok with it. But I'm not.

I don't expect him to apologise again or do anything differently but I couldn't even look at him when we were out and I avoided him all evening.

I know the only way to deal with this is to walk away from him.amd the friendship group and take myself out of the equation. I don't want him walking on eggshells or second guessing what he says in future but neither do I want to feel like this. I feel humiliated and foolish.

I'm just so sad about it because it really was a silly comment and in every other way, he's perfect for me.

Is there anyway back from this?

May I ask how old you are roughly?.

If you're still not ok with it you're still not ok with it and indeed you feel both humiliated and foolish. You do not owe anyone a relationship, let alone him, even after he has apologised.

What he said has cut deep and I would also think goes back to your previous trauma (do you feel that this has been really dealt with, it appears not and certainly not fully) and inbuilt belief that you're not good enough. This sort of stuff installed in you follows you through life like a shadow on it. How did all that start with you; this likely started with one or either parent. Did you feel you had to please one or both them all the time, was their approval (particularly your mother's approval) always conditional?. Reading the publication "Will I ever be good enough?" by Karyl McBride may help you and I would also look at the BACPs website. NAPAC is also an organisation for people who were abused in childhood, it may be worth you reaching out to them as well. Whatever happened to you was not your fault in any way; that is all on the perpetrators of the abuse.

Did he say it with the intention of hurting you?

AttilaTheMeerkat*

Old enough that this should all be in the past now. Well into middle age.

You're spot on woth the childhood stuff (as you always are whenever I read your posts to others!) I mover got the approval I was seeking from my mother and eventually went no contact with her.

I know I don't owe anyone a relationship and I've generally stayed single because of it but he is so kind, considerate, understanding, compassionate... it's a relationship I want(ed) for me. Because in every other moment we've known each other, even before we got together, he has made me feel safe, valued, respected and loved. This is the only blip and its tiny really. I know that. But it has cut me very deeply

@pinkyredrose

Did he say it with the intention of hurting you?

No. Not at all. Hence the unreserved apology. He was really upset that he'd hurt me.

Did he say something complimentary about another female in the group?

Assuming it was said without the intention to hurt you or to deliberately inspire jealously, and his apology was sincere, then I think it would be desperately sad to walk away from not just a promising relationship but an entire friend group.

Gently, it sounds like this is really about your own insecurity, and not his behaviour, and you need to work on that. Ditching them all is simply avoidant behaviour and will do nothing to heal you in the long term. Have you considered therapy?

As mentioned you do not owe anyone a relationship here, least of all him. Do not also minimise your own very real feelings here; you have every right to feel disappointed/let down/angry whatever really at him and this group as a whole for making such a comment perhaps appear as normal within the group.

Its not merely tiny either because what was perhaps to him a throw away comment made about someone else (and I note that individual has not returned to this group until this week) has and continues to affect and otherwise cut you deeply. Its likely all connected back to your mother and what she said and did; she may well have said same or similar to you. Trauma often bites people on the bum at all sorts of unexpected times so many years later so I would urge you to address it now via the above suggestions.

I think it is important that we know the comment, to understand if this is trauma related to lack of validation from your mother or if what he said has crossed a line. You seem conflicted with wanting the relationship and also being completely done with it and unable to move past the comment. Was it seeing the other person that triggered you feeling like you can't move on? Or did you feel like you couldn't move on from dp's comment before that? How many times do you see this person on average? Could you avoid group situations if you know that person will be there if they are the trigger? Or is the trigger them and your dp being together? Have either one of you been intimate with this other person? I feel like various factors come in to play here for anyone to give you sound advice.

OK...

She hasn't returned to the group until this week because she and her husband had covid and were quite ill with it. Not because of what he said.

She was absolutely normal with him and me. He was absolutely normal with her and me. Or he would have been if I hadn't ignored him all night.

I have no issue with him complimenting our friends. They do to me. We all compliment each other.

The woman in question has been very happily married for 20 years. She is her husband's biggest cheerleader and she adores him.

Basically, the four of us were together at the end of the evening and he said that he didn't know which of us looked more beautiful that evening - me or her. It was a clumsy attempt to flatter her. Her husband wasn't bothered.

If he'd just told her she looked beautiful, that wouldn't have bothered me. It was the comparison. I've had a lifetime of being compared to other girls/women by my mother and previous boyfriends and I've always been found to be lacking.

It just poured salt into a very deep wound.

I feel like he's comparing to her all the time now and that I'm always going to be less than when she's around

What makes it worse is that she and I went out alone last weekend and 3 men chatted her up. She aways gets hit on when we go out! So it just strings a bit that it's true

Honestly this is your part trauma talking not the comment itself.
I think I would take myself off for counselling as it would be a real shame to let this still damage your life today by ending a relationship where you feel is a
Really good one

I have therapy on and for for years. I've retty much been tod.that I'm 'over therapied' now and need to just try and use the tools I've been given.

I'm mostly OK. But this really got to me.

I felt like I couldn't go over and talk to him in case I was taking him away from her.

I think he'd be shocked and saddened if he knew that. He couldn't do more. I know exactly how he feels about me.

And I didn't want to be standing with him if he was thinking she was better than me.

I know it sounds ridiculous.

Thanks for sharing OP. I think he's clumsily complimented you both and tried to do it in a fair way so you both felt validated and it has actually been the reverse. I can imagine it was done in a lighthearted slightly tipsy way possibly and with no malice and probably expected her husband to join in with a 'we are both punching' comment.
This is your trauma giving you these doubts, please get some professional advice. He probably as do you pass lots of attractive people every day, but having a real connection is hard to come by. Don't let your insecurities ruin your chance of a happy relationship.

I think the previous poster said it all - he was trying to compliment you both. That’s all it sounds like.

This sounds like it’s blown up issues for you that are yours alone. If you walk away from him and them over this then I would suspect your issues would worsen, not get better.

@Thefemininemystic

Thanks for sharing OP. I think he's clumsily complimented you both and tried to do it in a fair way so you both felt validated and it has actually been the reverse. I can imagine it was done in a lighthearted slightly tipsy way possibly and with no malice and probably expected her husband to join in with a 'we are both punching' comment. This is your trauma giving you these doubts, please get some professional advice. He probably as do you pass lots of attractive people every day, but having a real connection is hard to come by. Don't let your insecurities ruin your chance of a happy relationship.

I think that's exactly it.

And, if I'm honest, they are both punching

And it was done in a lighthearted, (very) tipsy way. But when we all met up this week, I just felt like shit about it all.

"I've had a lifetime of being compared to other girls/women by my mother and previous boyfriends and I've always been found to be lacking".

Narcissistic mothers install such buttons and such becomes a blueprint for future relationships with men. The mother wound cuts deep. From the very beginning, narcissistic mothers set their daughters up to fail because they teach them that nothing they do is ever good enough. That translates to “I am unworthy” and “I'm not good enough” beliefs that will sabotage these women's careers, relationships, mental health, etc. for years to come. Your mother was jealous of you and your looks and saw you as competition.

I don't think he was saying she was more beautiful than you at all but he was trying to say you both looked beautiful. I wouldn't have liked the comment particularly but I think it was harmless and clumsy and maybe said after a couple of drinks (even if he was stone cold sobre I wouldn't take it to heart). He's learnt his lesson, I'm sure and apologised. I really think you shouldn't give it any more thought and there's absolutely no reason to leave the friendship group. Try to move on and work on your self esteem.

I know...

It sometimes feels like I can't work out which way is up. What's OK and normal and what's not.

I don't want too split up with him but I now feel like, at the least, I don't want to socialise with them all. I just don't want to be in the same room as him and her. I wouldn't want to stop him from going. I just wouldn't want to go too.

There's a degree to which it's unavoidable though and that's also upsetting me.

I think I feel the need to remove the opportunity for direct comparisons.

The worst thing is that, possibly because I was avoiding him, he spent more time talking to her than anyone else. But she's good company, friendly, bubbly - just lovely. And, by comparison, I was very quiet and distant and didn't really talk to anyone.

He asked me if everything was OK afterwards. I said it was because I couldn't really articulate my feelings at that point.

You poor lady. I'm so sorry you were compared all your life and never felt like you measured up. I wasn't compared but I was never enough as I wasn't slim. I was redheaded and overweight. I had criticism from my own father and bullied at school. Rejection still stings a lot. The thing you are still playing out the role they told you that you were all those years ago and you are still playing that part like a good little girl. It's time to decide your own narrative now. Decide now you'll never be compared because you will always be enough. I had to challenge my father on this as I realised I was still acting the teen desperate for approval and he was still the parent. No I'm a grown woman, I was like why am I still doing this. Please stop torturing yourself with a false belief that was thrust upon you and that you had no part in creating. Hand it back now, it is not who you are.

After we'd all been together this week, she and I hugged as we left. He came over and hugged both of us and kissed us both on the top of the head.

Previously, that wouldn't have bothered me at all but that upset me too.

We all hug and kiss goodbye at the end of the night so that in itself wasn't the problem.

OP, if you run away now, what will you do the next time? And the time after that? You can't run away forever, because what you are trying to run away from is your own feelings, which sound like they were caused by a very hurtful mother.

I really think you need to find a way to put on a brave face and push through your discomfort at being in company with her and your other friends. These feelings will lessen in time and you will feel stronger for it.

Like so many things, the only way to get out is to go in.

@Opaljewel

You poor lady. I'm so sorry you were compared all your life and never felt like you measured up. I wasn't compared but I was never enough as I wasn't slim. I was redheaded and overweight. I had criticism from my own father and bullied at school. Rejection still stings a lot. The thing you are still playing out the role they told you that you were all those years ago and you are still playing that part like a good little girl. It's time to decide your own narrative now. Decide now you'll never be compared because you will always be enough. I had to challenge my father on this as I realised I was still acting the teen desperate for approval and he was still the parent. No I'm a grown woman, I was like why am I still doing this. Please stop torturing yourself with a false belief that was thrust upon you and that you had no part in creating. Hand it back now, it is not who you are.

I'm sorry you went through that. It's shit, isn't it?

The thing is, I'm actually OK normally. I know what you mean about changing the narrative and I pretty much have changed it completely. It's shocked me how much it has hurt me and the impact of it I wouldn't have expected that at all.

@cheeseismydownfall

OP, if you run away now, what will you do the next time? And the time after that? You can't run away forever, because what you are trying to run away from is your own feelings, which sound like they were caused by a very hurtful mother.

I really think you need to find a way to put on a brave face and push through your discomfort at being in company with her and your other friends. These feelings will lessen in time and you will feel stronger for it.

Like so many things, the only way to get out is to go in.

There wouldn't be another time.

I already know that. I wouldn't put myself through it again.

He is so lovely. If I can't make it work with him, I'm getting cats...