Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Shit situation and so sad about it.

123 replies

LittleAmp · 05/02/2022 09:15

My boyfriend and I are part of a large friendship group that we were part of for several years before we got together. We've only been together for a few months.

Before Christmas, we all went out and he said something that really upset me. I won't say what it was because I don't want people to focus on that. It was a something and a nothing. Some people would say walk away over it and others wouldn't have a problem with it. In the context of our group, it was normal but specifically what he said triggered a deal seated fear and insecurity of mine related to previous trauma and a long established core belief that I'm not good enough.

I spoke to him about it the following day. He apologised unreservedly, gave me the space and time I needed to process it without making it about him and made efforts to show me with his actions that it was a silly comment he'd meant nothing by.

I accepted his apology and believe wholeheartedly that it was sincere and genuine.

We meet up with this friendship group weekly but the person this comment pertained to hasn't been out with us until this week.

I thought I was ok with it. But I'm not.

I don't expect him to apologise again or do anything differently but I couldn't even look at him when we were out and I avoided him all evening.

I know the only way to deal with this is to walk away from him.amd the friendship group and take myself out of the equation. I don't want him walking on eggshells or second guessing what he says in future but neither do I want to feel like this. I feel humiliated and foolish.

I'm just so sad about it because it really was a silly comment and in every other way, he's perfect for me.

Is there anyway back from this? Sad

OP posts:
Fibreone · 05/02/2022 19:08

OP what was the actual question asked to warrant the response if I don't know who looks more beautiful?

Because I'm sure he didn't just come out with the comment randomly..

LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 08:14

There wasn't a question asked. It was the end of the night and most people had left or were waiting for taxis. The four of us were just giving a "it's been a lovely evening" moment and he just said it.

Neither she or I would ever ask a question that would elicit a compliment as a response. We are all complimentary of each other generally - not looks related, just recognising each other's qualities. There's never any nastiness or unkindness.

I was driving so I wasn't drinking when we all net up last week.

OP posts:
LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 08:16

Thank youvto those who have made suggestions and actually understood what I was asking.

I'll do some thinking about this I think.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 06/02/2022 09:33

In the kindest way possible your irrational jealousy is going to wreck all your relationships. Even if she is prettier then you ( she might not be!) - does it really matter when your boyfriend is happy with you and she is happy with her husband? Your bf has said he is sorry - you do need to get a grip! I’m not saying this to be horrible but you have a real problem here that you need to address. You can control your jealousy - dont let it control you

MarbleQueen · 06/02/2022 13:14

He came over and hugged both of us and kissed us both on the top of the head

I think that’s weird.

Fibreone · 06/02/2022 13:20

@MarbleQueen

He came over and hugged both of us and kissed us both on the top of the head

I think that’s weird.

I think the kiss on the head is quite odd too. If he hugged her and gave her a kiss on the cheek I would think that quite normal but on the head feels quite intimate, to me anyway.

I do think he was just being nice and there most likely isn't anything more to it.

Its odd but if you think thats normal for his character then I would be ok.

SunflowerTed · 06/02/2022 13:25

@Satingreenshutters

Much ado about nothing, sorry OP but too much pussy footing around here. He complimented both of you. He didn't say she looked better than you or say you looked better than her. He more or less said you both looked beautiful. He has been friends with both of you a long time. You are only together a few months. This dynamic is still new. You are blowing it WAY out of proportion and it's ridiculous. As you said yourself, you trust him, he is a good man, he treats you well and he tried to apologise and give you space. This is not about him, This is more about the woman and your own feelings of inadequacy around her. You mentioned you cannot compete with her and the point is...you don't have to. It's hard growing up thinking you are not good enough, I have been there but I have also worked very hard on my self esteem and healing. There is not a woman out there that could make me feel like that now. Your boyfriends comments were harmless and intentionally good in trying to compliment 2 women at the same time. He sounds like a lovely guy and you will lose him if you get so upset at such a silly comment, I know your feelings are valid and all that jazz but you have work to do and it is not his fault.
Totally agree. Being so jealous of other women is very unhealthy
MarbleQueen · 06/02/2022 21:22

Did the kissing on the head happen after you told him you were upset about the comparing?

FFSFFSFFS · 06/02/2022 21:29

You are massively overreacting to what wasn’t even a rude or awful comment.

Totally your trauma speaking! And he sounds like he is being absolutely lovely about it so this a golden opportunity for you to reprogramme yourself!

LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 21:35

@MarbleQueen

Did the kissing on the head happen after you told him you were upset about the comparing?
After. About 4 weeks after. The first time we'd all been together.

I think maybe because I haven't mentioned it again he has moved on from it and assumes it's all water under the bridge.

OP posts:
safefacespace · 06/02/2022 21:43

Another one who thinks the kiss on the head is too much.. too intimate.. not necessary. Sorry but I think your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a dick, and I can see this getting worse

LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 21:44

I do think he was just being nice and there most likely isn't anything more to it.

Its odd but if you think thats normal for his character then I would be ok.

There definitely isn't any more to it and it is pretty normal for his character. It's not about that. He won't have meant anything by it at all.

It's about how it's made feel about myself and the feeling that he is also comparing me.

It's not jealousy for those who keep telling me not to be jealous 🙄

It is trauma related. I can't help how it's made me feel.

I fight against the feeling that night not good enough constantly. Use self talk to manage it. I push through it and don't let it hold me back as much as I can. I have coping strategies for times that I can't.

But I don't want to be using coping strategies and mechanisms in a relationship. I want to feel safe.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 06/02/2022 21:45

I don't think a kiss on the head is that weird. It seems like a group of close friends who have very tipsy nights out. I can see how these things happen.

LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 21:58

@SallyWD

I don't think a kiss on the head is that weird. It seems like a group of close friends who have very tipsy nights out. I can see how these things happen.
Yes.

Put it this way. We went to a gig last night with a group of my friends who he has only met since he and I got together.

My exboyfriend is part of the group - he's met him a few times. I chatted with him briefly, they said hi and shook hands. Some of these are men I've known several years. He sees them hug me, kiss me on the cheek, make cheeky comments... one always tells me loves me (he means as a friend - he has a partner).

He isn't bothered by any of it. He trusts me and knows I wouldn't do anything inappropriate.

Tbh, the kiss on the head thing wouldn't have bothered me at all previously but it just showed me how deeply the previous comment had bothered me.

In the mutual friendship group, it's not uncommon for us to hug and kiss each other on the lips before we part. It's all just part of the dynamic. It was specifically the comparison comment that is the problem and how that has made me feel.

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 06/02/2022 22:33

I so feel for you. And I feel with you.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 15. Every comment, every snarky remark hits me, even though I know in my heart they aren’t directed at me. I can’t help it, no matter the years of counseling I’ve had.
I’m 65. I’ve come to the realisation that if someone I love has said or done something that bothers me, I talk it over with them, and insist they do likewise. It doesn’t always work, but generally it does.
Life doesn’t hand us many genuinely loving, caring partners. We’re fortunate if we get one or two, yes?
Would you take the chance of sharing how you feel (and your insecurities) with this wonderful man? And he does sound as if he truly cares about you.
He’ll never know how you actually feel if you don’t tell him, and might - just might - be willing to adjust not only his behaviour, but the meetups too. You’ll never know without talking it over.
It’s always worth a try when it’s someone you care so much about. xx

Juletide · 06/02/2022 22:40

It all sounds a bit luvvy to me and rather superficial.

How would he feel about giving the group a miss for a very long while?

LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 23:00

@Juletide

It all sounds a bit luvvy to me and rather superficial.

How would he feel about giving the group a miss for a very long while?

There's a degree to which we can't. We can avoid additional stuff - and he has already shown that he is willing to do that - but the once weekly thing we have to keep up.
OP posts:
LittleAmp · 06/02/2022 23:03

@DreamTheMoors

I so feel for you. And I feel with you. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15. Every comment, every snarky remark hits me, even though I know in my heart they aren’t directed at me. I can’t help it, no matter the years of counseling I’ve had. I’m 65. I’ve come to the realisation that if someone I love has said or done something that bothers me, I talk it over with them, and insist they do likewise. It doesn’t always work, but generally it does. Life doesn’t hand us many genuinely loving, caring partners. We’re fortunate if we get one or two, yes? Would you take the chance of sharing how you feel (and your insecurities) with this wonderful man? And he does sound as if he truly cares about you. He’ll never know how you actually feel if you don’t tell him, and might - just might - be willing to adjust not only his behaviour, but the meetups too. You’ll never know without talking it over. It’s always worth a try when it’s someone you care so much about. xx
Thank you so much for your post and your words.

I would be able to share it with him but I don't really want to be that person who asks someone to adjust who they are. I've always been of the feeling that you take someone as they are or you leave all of them. I've never asked anyone to modify their behaviour to accommodate my past trauma which is one of the reasons I've chosen to remain single for much of my life.

I will speak to him though. Thank you.

OP posts:
Juletide · 06/02/2022 23:13

Sounds like he would rather adjust his behaviour, than lose you.

But he's very much in the dark here.

MarbleQueen · 07/02/2022 00:58

You’ve described previous trauma which most posters are assuming is causing you to feel uncomfortable.

I’ll tell you right now I don’t have a history like yours and I would really not be happy if my partner said those things about me and my friend and I would not be happy with the head kissing.

It’s weird and inappropriate and something reserved for partners or children.

Does he kiss anyone else’s head in the group like this?

LittleAmp · 07/02/2022 04:11

Does he kiss anyone else’s head in the group like this?

No. But then he's never done it to her before either. It's just because she and I were hugging.

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 07/02/2022 04:56

Why is the once weekly thing something you can't give up?

SpidersAreShitheads · 07/02/2022 05:02

Thing is, OP - what do you want to do? You're just going round in circles and brooding on it all time and time again.

By your own admission, if you finish this relationship you'll never have another one again. This sounds like a close, loving set-up with the group and with your boyfriend. That's a huge loss to just chuck away.

Do you think you'll be leading your most fulfilling, best life to give up on other humans and hide from relationships because you can't stop talking negatively to yourself?

If people choose to be single because that's what makes them happy and fulfilled, that's one thing - but in your case, you'll just be hiding from feelings which are too complicated and scary for you to confront. That's something very different, and would be very sad. A half life.

You've continued to use the same kind of negative language throughout your posts here. So despite saying you've had therapy and are using the tools - you're clearly not.

I have any own story, and my own trauma, and my own horrible anxiety. I know how hard it is to deal with feelings of inadequacy. But you're not even trying. You've had a very grownup conversation with him, and he's given you all the reassurance you could possibly need. It's now up to you to decide to proactively refuse to entertain those thoughts. You're allowing yourself to dwell on them and using very negative language.

Being in a relationship isn't a competition with other women. Your boyfriend wasn't comparing you - he was clumsily trying to lift you both up.

And just for reference - the woman who you have described as cool, pretty and the person everyone wants to be with, her OWN HUSBAND told her that he'd marry you. I mean, jesus. Your boyfriend saying that you both looked pretty pales into insignificance alongside that. So if you need any proof that you're as worthy as her - there you go.

You're in the middle of a black hole at the moment and if you end things now, when you finally climb back out again, you could well regret acting on these feelings of low self esteem.

When I'm at my worth, I struggle with feeling to deserve feeling happy - I had to fight very, very hard to accept people showing me love because I feel as if I'm such a horrible person, that I don't deserve it. So I engage in self sabotaging behaviour because I feel that I don't deserve anything more. There's an awful kind of satisfaction in making yourself feel bad because it feels that's what you deserve.

Whatever the trigger, whatever the cause - it's never helpful to listen to that destructive inner voice. You know this. If you keep talking over the loud and persistent inner voice that wants to drag you down, eventually it gets quieter. But you have to want to try - it's not going to melt away on its own.

Up to you OP. Your call. Your life. We only get one shot at this - would be a shame to throw away genuine happiness over something which will eventually fade and pass. But it's your choice.

LittleAmp · 07/02/2022 06:08

spiders

I know you're right.

I don't know what I want.

I don't want to be someone who asks someone else to change their behaviour/who they are.

I don't want to be with them both at the same time.

OP posts:
LittleAmp · 07/02/2022 06:10

Some of them are going away for the weekend in a couple of months. I can't go because I can't have time off work. I was a bit gutted.

He's going and she will be there with her husband. I know for an absolute fact nothing would happen. That's not an issue but I'm glad I'm not going now.

OP posts: