Shit situation and so sad about it.

[LittleAmp]

My boyfriend and I are part of a large friendship group that we were part of for several years before we got together. We've only been together for a few months.

Before Christmas, we all went out and he said something that really upset me. I won't say what it was because I don't want people to focus on that. It was a something and a nothing. Some people would say walk away over it and others wouldn't have a problem with it. In the context of our group, it was normal but specifically what he said triggered a deal seated fear and insecurity of mine related to previous trauma and a long established core belief that I'm not good enough.

I spoke to him about it the following day. He apologised unreservedly, gave me the space and time I needed to process it without making it about him and made efforts to show me with his actions that it was a silly comment he'd meant nothing by.

I accepted his apology and believe wholeheartedly that it was sincere and genuine.

We meet up with this friendship group weekly but the person this comment pertained to hasn't been out with us until this week.

I thought I was ok with it. But I'm not.

I don't expect him to apologise again or do anything differently but I couldn't even look at him when we were out and I avoided him all evening.

I know the only way to deal with this is to walk away from him.amd the friendship group and take myself out of the equation. I don't want him walking on eggshells or second guessing what he says in future but neither do I want to feel like this. I feel humiliated and foolish.

I'm just so sad about it because it really was a silly comment and in every other way, he's perfect for me.

Is there anyway back from this?

But, you're right. It is my feelings I want to run away from.

Personally I think his comment was werid. Didn't need to have been said, at all. That would have caused problem for me and my husband, and we've been together 18 years! I don't think you are being silly, at all. Think I'd stay away from the friendship group, until I had figured out how I felt.

I don't know what kind of therapy you've had so far but it's clear that this is a deep trauma for you and you need some where safe to hold that pain and be compassionate to yourself right now.

That's why I didn't want to say the comment. It's not 'weird' in the context of the group.

If he'd said it to any of the other women, I'd have been OK with it too, I think. Or more ok with it.

It's just that I've always known she is the one any boyfriend I had would fancy. She's cool, a bit kooky, very pretty, fun... I can't compete with that.

By another time, I mean a future relationship when your partner says something that triggers these feelings. Logically I am sure you know that leaving this relationship and friend group will not mean that you never again have to experience what you are feeling now. There will always be a next time, unless you choose to shut yourself off from all relationships forever. I'm sure you deserve a better life than that.

I did date someone else a couple of years ago and he told me that, if I tried, I could look as good as one of the other women in the group.

I dumped him shortly afterwards because I knew that was intended to be deliberately unkind.

I’m sorry you had such trauma in childhood but really, don’t lose a relationship with this lovely man over this. He was complimenting you both! He didn’t mean to hurt you, he has apologised.
These issues are yours to deal with but I urge you not to sabotage this! Keep working with all the tools you’ve been given to overcome your insecurity

Also he’s not asking you to compete! He’s with you

@cheeseismydownfall

By another time, I mean a future relationship when your partner says something that triggers these feelings. Logically I am sure you know that leaving this relationship and friend group will not mean that you never again have to experience what you are feeling now. There will always be a next time, unless you choose to shut yourself off from all relationships forever. I'm sure you deserve a better life than that.

Yes, that is what i would do.

There would be no future relationship for me. I've never had a good one or a positive experience of one. I don't know how other people manage it tbh.

I know her husband told her, not long after we'd met, that if anything ever happened to her, he'd marry me because she told me.

It's only me who has this insecurity and I don't want to put it onto other people but I can't cope with it either

I find it weird. Is he a suave type of man, a bit charming and gives out lots of compliments to women in general? I’m just trying to get the jist of him here. The kissing on the head is weird too I think. I wouldn’t want my husband to say the beautiful comment and would be annoyed about that. I’m not the jealous type at all but that would be a step too far for me.

I'm interested in what kind of therapy you've had as well and for how long you've had therapy.
Maybe you've been 'overtherapied' with the wrong type of therapy.
Even with the right type of psychotherapy/trauma therapy it can take many years to identify and remove the negative core beliefs ingrained in you by your parents.

But you are not competing... he CHOOSES to be with you.
He is a grown man...and he CHOOSES you.
We all have people in our lives we 'click' with... same interests..same sense of humour.. same taste in food, art, music, books..
But we CHOOSE our partners.. and they may well be not the obvious 'click' people.. but we are attracted to them because they enhance our lives, make us warm and fuzzy inside(!)... even if they are a bit quiet, not the life and soul of the party.
You said yourself he is punching above his weight with you... even said lightheartedly... you have that confidence in yourself. Trust that feeling. Hold on to that feeling.
And if she is the magnetic, centre of the party personality then so be it... that is probably what keeps her husband with her, and she adores him....
You must believe in you, that you are worthy, attractive, intelligent and not in a competition.
Your mother did a job on you ...yes.. but you recognise that and so try to set it aside. You are not dealing with your mother and her screwed-upness(!).
You have a man who clearly cares about you...seeks you out and wants to be with you. And however wonderful he is.. nobody gets it right all the time.
Trust yourself.
Trust him.
He chooses you.
X

Stop it. Just stop it. I am going to sound harsh here - but you have enough sympathy and empathy going on in this thread.

Would you talk to a friend like you talk to yourself? No.

You are not in competition with her. You are not less than her. You do not need to right off relationships. I can find Brad Pitt and er.....fill in the name of someone else hunky" good looking and attractive. But that does not mean I love my DH any less. I think Daniel at work is quite a hunk. I am not going to run off with him. He probably wouldn't want me any way because he is happily married. I don't want to.

This is all in your head. Yes from your past/trauma. But move on. Stop wallowing. Stop letting your mother's voice ride roughshod over sense

What tools have you been given in therapy? Use them. Google them again. Remember them. Write them down. PIck some to use.

And a hug and some as I can hear your pain. But you need to move forward. Not give in to it.

Your mother installed these buttons in you and made you feel you’re not good enough. If anyone is not good enough here it’s your mother. You are no contact with her but her thoughts are still being given rental space in your head. Those need to go.

OP, it's clear you have had therapy because you're recognising the behaviour in yourself and identifying what you think will 'fix' this.

However, from an outside perspective it looks a little like self sabotage. I would not be surprised if you have been waiting for the other show to drop since you got together. He's wonderful, loving, kind respectful....I don't deserve this so when is it all going to go wrong? The minute you identify a problem it becomes huge.

But you are worthy. You are good enough. And you do deserve to be happy. If you walk away from this I fear you will solidify the feelings of not being good enough and successfully revert to you alone 'safe space'. Being vulnerable in a relationship is not easy. Trusting is not easy and there's no guarantee you won't be hurt. But if you don't try and give it a real chance you can be sure of being alone.

It takes courage to keep making ourselves vulnerable but it sounds like you really do have a good man there. Your feelings are valid but not necessarily an accurate reflection of the truth.

I really hope you can find a way to change the internal voice and enjoy being in love.

Your friendship group sounds great.

Why don't you embrace it next time? Women love compliments, if deserved, from other women.

Your partner has shown in his actions afterwards that a flippant remark was not meant to make you feel sad.

Have you not thought that it could be because your partner is in a relationship he wants to be in and the other woman is happily married that he felt relaxed enough to be able to comment without anyone thinking it was a come on?

Mr Frozen happily compliments women, ones we know ones we don't, when out, I am a bit tatty around the edges, so is he, it's what we prefer but that doesn't stop appreciation of other interesting looking people.

Honestly your reaction would drive me nuts.

Try, for your own sanity, to embrace the love and ease your friendship group has. It's an asset not a curse.

Could you just give it some time. You know this is a sore point for you due to trauma so that some great self awareness. But self awareness won't change your reactions. Why not just have a little break from seeing them. Do some fun things instead instead. Maybe start a yoga class, see some old friends, go to the gym.

Then in a few weeks you might feel differently, the hurt may have faded and you can enjoy your friends company again.

@Ourlady

I find it weird. Is he a suave type of man, a bit charming and gives out lots of compliments to women in general? I’m just trying to get the jist of him here. The kissing on the head is weird too I think. I wouldn’t want my husband to say the beautiful comment and would be annoyed about that. I’m not the jealous type at all but that would be a step too far for me.

God no, quite the opposite!

He is quite complimentary of everyone but not in a sleazy way - he just genuinely likes to reflect the good he sees in others back to them. He's like it with men and women.

He's friendly with women but he's never behaved in a way with other women that I would consider worrying in all the time I've known him. He's 'harmless' in that respect.

I trust him completely if he goes out without me.

I'm very similar.

It was the comparison that hurt. Not telling her she looked beautiful. She ways does and she is.

I think you need to work with a therapist.

I does seem a pity to ditch a good relationship because of this.

Can you find a therapist and explain to your partner what’s going on? You don’t need to feel ashamed of whatever it is. And you don’t need to sabotage yourself (if that’s what you are doing by dumping a decent partner).

UKCP is a good place to start, talk to 3-5 - it’s important you click. You want someone you connect with - but also someone who will hold you to account.

@frozendaisy

Your friendship group sounds great.

Why don't you embrace it next time? Women love compliments, if deserved, from other women.

Your partner has shown in his actions afterwards that a flippant remark was not meant to make you feel sad.

Have you not thought that it could be because your partner is in a relationship he wants to be in and the other woman is happily married that he felt relaxed enough to be able to comment without anyone thinking it was a come on?

Mr Frozen happily compliments women, ones we know ones we don't, when out, I am a bit tatty around the edges, so is he, it's what we prefer but that doesn't stop appreciation of other interesting looking people.

Honestly your reaction would drive me nuts.

Try, for your own sanity, to embrace the love and ease your friendship group has. It's an asset not a curse.

I agree with all of that and I dot think I've sad otherwise anywhere.

I've also said I know that it's my emotional response to it that is the issue and not the group or how we interact with each other.

It's never been any different and I like it that way. But the comparison brought up a lot of old stuff and that's what I'm finding difficult and need to manage.

He and I had one conversation about it when it happened at Christmas and it's not even been alluded to since. I don't want him to change who he is. It's one of the things I love about him.

It definitely wasn't a come on. I didn't think that at the time and haven't said on the thread that I thought it was.

If you lose your boyfriend or your friends over this, your mum has won

@snowdropsandcrocuses

OP, it's clear you have had therapy because you're recognising the behaviour in yourself and identifying what you think will 'fix' this.

However, from an outside perspective it looks a little like self sabotage. I would not be surprised if you have been waiting for the other show to drop since you got together. He's wonderful, loving, kind respectful....I don't deserve this so when is it all going to go wrong? The minute you identify a problem it becomes huge.

But you are worthy. You are good enough. And you do deserve to be happy. If you walk away from this I fear you will solidify the feelings of not being good enough and successfully revert to you alone 'safe space'. Being vulnerable in a relationship is not easy. Trusting is not easy and there's no guarantee you won't be hurt. But if you don't try and give it a real chance you can be sure of being alone.

It takes courage to keep making ourselves vulnerable but it sounds like you really do have a good man there. Your feelings are valid but not necessarily an accurate reflection of the truth.

I really hope you can find a way to change the internal voice and enjoy being in love.

Thank you and I know you are right.

You do not need to manage the old stuff. You need instead to unlearn the damaging beliefs of not good enough your mother installed in you because it follows you.

Much ado about nothing, sorry OP but too much pussy footing around here. He complimented both of you. He didn't say she looked better than you or say you looked better than her. He more or less said you both looked beautiful. He has been friends with both of you a long time. You are only together a few months. This dynamic is still new. You are blowing it WAY out of proportion and it's ridiculous. As you said yourself, you trust him, he is a good man, he treats you well and he tried to apologise and give you space. This is not about him, This is more about the woman and your own feelings of inadequacy around her. You mentioned you cannot compete with her and the point is...you don't have to.
It's hard growing up thinking you are not good enough, I have been there but I have also worked very hard on my self esteem and healing. There is not a woman out there that could make me feel like that now. Your boyfriends comments were harmless and intentionally good in trying to compliment 2 women at the same time. He sounds like a lovely guy and you will lose him if you get so upset at such a silly comment, I know your feelings are valid and all that jazz but you have work to do and it is not his fault.