Shit situation and so sad about it.

[LittleAmp]

My boyfriend and I are part of a large friendship group that we were part of for several years before we got together. We've only been together for a few months.

Before Christmas, we all went out and he said something that really upset me. I won't say what it was because I don't want people to focus on that. It was a something and a nothing. Some people would say walk away over it and others wouldn't have a problem with it. In the context of our group, it was normal but specifically what he said triggered a deal seated fear and insecurity of mine related to previous trauma and a long established core belief that I'm not good enough.

I spoke to him about it the following day. He apologised unreservedly, gave me the space and time I needed to process it without making it about him and made efforts to show me with his actions that it was a silly comment he'd meant nothing by.

I accepted his apology and believe wholeheartedly that it was sincere and genuine.

We meet up with this friendship group weekly but the person this comment pertained to hasn't been out with us until this week.

I thought I was ok with it. But I'm not.

I don't expect him to apologise again or do anything differently but I couldn't even look at him when we were out and I avoided him all evening.

I know the only way to deal with this is to walk away from him.amd the friendship group and take myself out of the equation. I don't want him walking on eggshells or second guessing what he says in future but neither do I want to feel like this. I feel humiliated and foolish.

I'm just so sad about it because it really was a silly comment and in every other way, he's perfect for me.

Is there anyway back from this?

Dear god after everything Spider just wrote, you acknowledged was right and you're glad you're not going? This is getting ridiculous - all the good advice on this thread!

Is there a possibility that he knows you are insecure about you compared to her and this was actually his way of paying YOU the highest compliment he could think of that only you would fully appreciate by saying that you both looked EQUALLY beautiful? I hear all your pain but just haven’t seen this possibility articulated anywhere so wanted to throw that in - in case it helps how you think about it. It might have been less a comparison by him and more of an affirmation of you (and his choice of you) for your benefit because he knows you already compare yourself?

@Crucible

Dear god after everything Spider just wrote, you acknowledged was right and you're glad you're not going? This is getting ridiculous - all the good advice on this thread!

I honestly don't see the problem with that.

I'm not going to make anything of it; not going to say anything; not going to worry about anything but I'm equally not going to have to feel awkward or uncomfortable around it.

Like I said, last week, I virtually ignored him because I felt so awkward and uncomfortable about it all and he ended up spending most of the evening interacting with her.

I'm not imposing any restrictions on anyone else - just taking myself out of it

Let him go, just let him go. This is ridiculous behaviour. Spiders post was excellent. You have had so much great advice on here. What is the point of being with a man, a good man and wasting his time with your petty nonsense. I am feeling so frustrated with you reading the same negative, pity me bullshit so can you imagine how he feels and he is still HERE!! Jesus Christ cut him loose and let him find someone who appreciates him instead of brooding and obsessing over a stupid bloody comment that meant nothing.I would imagine it would be like walking on eggshells around you in case he said the wrong thing. Poor fucker. Shit or get off the pot because 5 pages in after so many people try to make you see sense you are still in victim mode over NOTHING! Cop on for Gods sake.

Oh love, you really can't see that you're treating him poorly - what did he do to deserve being ignored? For goodness sake, this is just self indulgence. I wish you luck OP, but this is ludicrous, the advice to move on in this thread has been excellent.

Cross Post with @Satingreenshutters, who put it more bluntly but I totally agree. This is navel gazing nonsense now.

what did he do to deserve being ignored?

He didn't do anything.

It was fine to begin with but everytime I looked to him to talk to him or interact with him, he was looking at or interacting with her. I just didn't want to see it anymore and didn't know what to do so stopped.

The first contact we really had all evening after the first 20 mins or so was at the end when she and I hugged goodbye and he came over to hug us both and kissed us both on the head.

It's been fine otherwise. He has no idea I'm still bothered by it and I didn't realise I was until that night happened. It's not been mentioned.

OP, I get you have issues relating to your childhood but your view of this situation is highly skewed and obsessive. I think you should end it and be on your own. He’s done absolutely nothing wrong yet you are focussing on it as if he’s cheated on you. One the one hand I do feel for you having emotional issues you seemingly cannot fix, but on the other hand when there is nothing actually wrong and you are in a lovely relationship and friendship group you seem to be acting like a spoilt child. Just end it, honestly. I’m not sure he deserves you!

You deserve him, rather.

He has no idea I'm still bothered by it and I didn't realise I was until that night happened. It's not been mentioned.
You seem aware that it is you and not him with the problem, and that he's acting pretty reasonably, do I understand that correctly? You just can't get past your feelings?

I don't want to be someone who asks someone else to change their behaviour/who they are.
That's two points: 1) changing behaviour, and 2) changing who he is.

1. I think that it is quite normal in a relationship to make small changes to your behaviour to adapt to your partner. My partner is afraid of heights -> we don't go up towers on holiday. Some people make huge changes, in fact, e.g. if their partner is disabled, has a specfic diet or doesn't speak their language.

2. If you tell him that you are insecure to the extent that you can't have a relationship with him if he presses your insecurity buttons, is that really asking him to change who he is? I'm not so sure. He could be charming, or whatever it was he intended by that sexist drivel, while still not pressing your buttons. You'd only be asking him to change his behaviour, I would say.

I'm not imposing any restrictions on anyone else
You're ending your relationship usinng stealth tactics, without giving him a chance to decide if he wants to change his behaviour for you. You're taking that decision out of his hands.

So I'd say, either tell him so that he can make that decision, or end it properly, not in this underhand, unpleasant manner that will leave him wondering wtf he has done wrong.

I would fine all this lovey dovey stuff very weird. Are you all actors? Who kisses their friends on the lips? And the compliments to the women is like ready Jane Eyre. Strange friendship group and very old fashioned.

I don’t think he has done anything wrong if this is how your group behaves. However you don’t like it so perhaps you need to move on.

Na, I would feel the same as Op.

As his girlfriend, I wouldn't want to be as beautiful as another female.
I would like to think that I was the only female he thought of as beautiful.

I am also insecure though, and I can see it would be a shame to break up if this can be talked thru.
Could you get her opinion/chat it over with her?
I also think her husband's comment is unnecessary, but I admit I am insecure (even though I shouldn't be these days)

I would take a deep breath and keep talking it out.

Honestly?

I think it is easier to tell yourself that you cannot get over something and that it all has to end and you have to be dramatically lonely forever, than it is to learn to deal with these feelings and let yourself be vulnerable to being hurt, because you have been hurt before and you know it's shit.

You will start reading into every comment - I've seen this. He will tell you about someone he knows and even if there's no comparison you will read into it that there is. 'Oh, Sarah from work was telling me about her new kitchen' will become 'oh right so she's so successful and clever she can afford a new kitchen, you must think I'm thick and poor, how can I measure up to that'? I've seen it happen and it is exhausting.

Until you believe you are enough, you will never take a chance and stand up and say 'yes actually I deserve to exist'. But, I also acknowledge it's easier to stay at the bottom of the pile where there's less distance to fall. It's honestly much nicer when you allow yourself the view though - and you do learn to make your own parachute for when the falls happen - that's what coping mechanisms and self esteem is. xx

Have you done trauma specidic therapy and/or DBT?

I feel like you may have had general advice but living with a narcissist has very specific outcomes that need addressed.

@LittleAmp

I have therapy on and for for years. I've retty much been tod.that I'm 'over therapied' now and need to just try and use the tools I've been given.

I'm mostly OK. But this really got to me.

@LittleAmp

This is not a thing and whatever therpist told you this is incorrect. People can be in therapy their whole lives. If you still feel this deelply over a throw away comment then your trauma hasn't even been touched. Maybe the therpist was trying to tell you, that until you sit with that trauma, really sit with it and examine it and hold it then thre is no point attenting therapy. Unfortunately, and I mean this with kindness, this is your issue. Your boyfriends comment was innocous and blaming him, stonewalling him and getting angry at him is projecting from what is really hurting you. You also say the therapy was on and off for years, I'm wondering if there is a reason for this? Did you leave therapy when it started to get too deep and painful, this is where the healing is, as difficult as it is.

Sounds like OP has avoidant personality traits due to her upbringing - which can unfortunately also lead you to avoid therapy.

I think you should let him go. This isn't going to be what you want it to be - I actually feel sorry for him as you say you don't want him to change his behaviour, but you don't like his behaviour now!

You all sound a bit odd kissing each other on the lips aswell..

It was fine to begin with but everytime I looked to him to talk to him or interact with him, he was looking at or interacting with her

The first contact we really had all evening after the first 20 mins or so was at the end when she and I hugged goodbye and he came over to hug us both and kissed us both on the head

When you say the first contact you had was at the end of the evening, do you mean the first contact with your partner?

If this is the case I would be mighty pissed off with that alone. Throw in the comparing and head kissing and I too would be feeling quite uncomfortable.

Are you comfortable in this friendship group op?

I agree with pp that it all sounds a little odd, I don’t know anyone who kisses their friends on the lips and and the compliments sound a bit much.

I would be really uncomfortable with all of it. If my friends husband said he’d marry me I’d be cooling that friendship pretty quickly. I don’t want to be kissed on the head or mouth by my friends husband and I definitely wouldn’t stand around politely while a friends husband assesses my attractiveness and does male gaze on me.

Basically, the four of us were together at the end of the evening and he said that he didn't know which of us looked more beautiful that evening - me or her. It was a clumsy attempt to flatter her

And this is the problem isn’t it. He shouldn’t be trying to flatter her.He’s male gazing at her, not something you do to a friend and especially not in front of your partner.

As I said previously I think people are focusing on your history. I would not like this behaviour at all and I don’t think many posters would like their partner trying to flatter their friend like this.

Who asked him for his opinion anyway? I think it’s bit much that he’s standing around a couple of women openly navel gazing about who is more beautiful. I think it’s really off to be honest.

Who gives a shit what he thinks.

@MarbleQueen

Basically, the four of us were together at the end of the evening and he said that he didn't know which of us looked more beautiful that evening - me or her. It was a clumsy attempt to flatter her

And this is the problem isn’t it. He shouldn’t be trying to flatter her.He’s male gazing at her, not something you do to a friend and especially not in front of your partner.

As I said previously I think people are focusing on your history. I would not like this behaviour at all and I don’t think many posters would like their partner trying to flatter their friend like this.

Who asked him for his opinion anyway? I think it’s bit much that he’s standing around a couple of women openly navel gazing about who is more beautiful. I think it’s really off to be honest.

Who gives a shit what he thinks.

I agree with this.

He's not someone I would be interested in after that.

I'm part of a friendship group abit like this! Although none of us have got together with any of the others! Some of us spent years single, male & female but all of us are in relationships now & have brought our partners in to the group! See each other most weeks in the pub, have Birthday parties and annual Christmas meal out.

We are all very touchy feely we hug we hold hands, compliment each other, support each other, I would be devastated to lose them so while I understand that this has affected you more due to your past I think I would try & get over it! Give yourself some time!

You don't have to hang about on the relationship board for long to know how hard it can be to find a good friendship group! It's a lot to give up over a rather clumsy comment at the end of an evening!

Have some fliers though OP