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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shit situation and so sad about it.

123 replies

LittleAmp · 05/02/2022 09:15

My boyfriend and I are part of a large friendship group that we were part of for several years before we got together. We've only been together for a few months.

Before Christmas, we all went out and he said something that really upset me. I won't say what it was because I don't want people to focus on that. It was a something and a nothing. Some people would say walk away over it and others wouldn't have a problem with it. In the context of our group, it was normal but specifically what he said triggered a deal seated fear and insecurity of mine related to previous trauma and a long established core belief that I'm not good enough.

I spoke to him about it the following day. He apologised unreservedly, gave me the space and time I needed to process it without making it about him and made efforts to show me with his actions that it was a silly comment he'd meant nothing by.

I accepted his apology and believe wholeheartedly that it was sincere and genuine.

We meet up with this friendship group weekly but the person this comment pertained to hasn't been out with us until this week.

I thought I was ok with it. But I'm not.

I don't expect him to apologise again or do anything differently but I couldn't even look at him when we were out and I avoided him all evening.

I know the only way to deal with this is to walk away from him.amd the friendship group and take myself out of the equation. I don't want him walking on eggshells or second guessing what he says in future but neither do I want to feel like this. I feel humiliated and foolish.

I'm just so sad about it because it really was a silly comment and in every other way, he's perfect for me.

Is there anyway back from this?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleAmp · 05/02/2022 12:10

Thank you. You are right but, tbf, I haven't said it is his fault.

OP posts:

Satingreenshutters · 05/02/2022 12:22

@LittleAmp

Thank you. You are right but, tbf, I haven't said it is his fault.

No I know you didn't but this is down to you ..not him...not the other lady, not the friendship group...just you. You KNOW in your heart there was nothing meant by it, you know there was no comparison made except in your head. What I mean is....don't let the relationship go because of this. it meant nothing. I know it stirred up memories in you and believe me, I know how that feels but i will be DAMNED if I let my mother take any more from me that she already has. This man sounds like he really cares about you and your feelings. He WANTS to be with you. I am sure is is upset that he potentially and unintentionally hurt you BUT at the end of the day, it was a throwaway comment, it meant NOTHING. Do not let those old, ugly feelings come back up and ruin something good that you have. Please don't do that.

You can and you will move on from this but hopefully with him by your side coz he sounds like a good un'.

SallyWD · 05/02/2022 12:50

OP - you need to work on you. This isn't an issue with your partner or the other woman - it's you. You can leave the friendship group but there'll be other women in your future who will be gorgeous and make you feel insecure. You need to work on how you deal with this. There's a woman in our friendship group who is absolutely beautiful. She has an amazing body too and is just very clever, funny, kind, sweet etc. Every man loves her! I've seen my DH gazing at her with that glazed look in his eyes that men get when they're enchanted by a woman. But I don't feel threatened. I don't want to stop seeing her, she's a lovely friend!! I know DH is committed to me and she's committed to her DH. There a millions of attractive people and you can't hide away from them for the rest of your life or hide your partner from them.

ravenmum · 05/02/2022 13:25

he said that he didn't know which of us looked more beautiful that evening - me or her
This phrase means that if someone asked him "Which of those women is the most beautiful?", he would not be able to give an answer, because you are equally beautiful. Not that he thinks she might be the more beautiful one, but is not sure. That's in your head entirely.

He asked me if everything was OK afterwards. I said it was because I couldn't really articulate my feelings at that point
Does he have any clue about the issues you have? Not that you should let him into all your secrets, but a hint or two ("I hate feeling compared, ha ha") so that when you dump him, he has at least some idea why?

NeverAgainSam · 05/02/2022 14:56

@LittleAmp, if this was last night - or even Thursday night, and you had a few drinks, is the alcohol/post-alcohol blues impacting on your abilty to work through this.

Once I hit my mid-forties any amount of alcohol kicks of my anxiety. And, if I am honest, a bit of paranoia/over thinking. And, despite therapy having helped me a lot, all my issues rear their head.

It took me several years to recognise the alcohol trigger. I don't have any other alcohol issues (well I vom if I drink cider...uni day excesses). Physically I feel fine. But my emotions...urgh. So now I rarely drink. The anxiety and depression hit me for 2-3 days afterwards. So whatever plus I get from alchohol have to be really, really worth it as I way it up with the knowledge I will feel emotionally fucking awful the next couple of days.

Just throwing this in there as wondering if similarly, post-alchohol blues are blowing this into trama proportions - whereas if you hadn't been drinking it would have been in the right sized box.

Goooglebox · 05/02/2022 15:09

I know her husband told her, not long after we'd met, that if anything ever happened to her, he'd marry me because she told me.

Now that is messed up. He had no business saying that. If she was fine with it she's incredibly secure. Can you not see that would be genuinely over a line. Doesn't it put what was said about you in perspective?

User0610134049 · 05/02/2022 15:14

Thank you for sharing the comment
You said in your OP that it was something and nothing and ‘some people would walk away over it’ and ‘some people would not have a problem with it’

I might be wrong but I don’t think many people would walk away from an otherwise really promising relationship because of that comment. Especially with the context you have of him not intending to hurt you and being extremely apologetic. It was a silly thing to say but people do make slip ups.

diddl · 05/02/2022 16:04

It's just such a thoughtless comment though.

Why couldn't they both just look beautiful?

Why the element of comparison?

Obviously Op's history with her Mum is making things a lot worse for her, but I think quite a few would be wtf?

liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 16:08

Looking at it rationally, and I know that's hard for you given your last experiences, surely this comparison is a good one. From what you say this woman is very beautiful both in looks and as a character. Your boyfriend classes you as at least equally beautiful or maybe more. He was trying to compliment you as well and got it wrong sadly as it's touched a specific nerve when he had the opposite of intentions. I think over time though you'll manage to see this and the sting will fade. Just take some time

Satingreenshutters · 05/02/2022 16:11

@diddl

It's just such a thoughtless comment though.

Why couldn't they both just look beautiful?

Why the element of comparison?

Obviously Op's history with her Mum is making things a lot worse for her, but I think quite a few would be wtf?

He did say they BOTH looked beautiful, he said he couldn't say which one looked more beautiful. He did not compare, he said they were the same...beautiful.

Nice comment from a nice man complimenting 2 women.

ravenmum · 05/02/2022 16:13

Why couldn't they both just look beautiful?
That's exactly what I understand this to mean. I'd be embarrassed at having a partner who came out with cheesy, sexist crap that suggests a woman's value is in her appearance, while in company. But that's it!

Crucible · 05/02/2022 16:20

He sounds like a lovely guy, I'd be comfortable with this comment because it shows he is a gent, can deliver a decent compliment without being a creep. It was a lovely thing to say about you both. I can see you are troubled by it.

diddl · 05/02/2022 16:29

"He did say they BOTH looked beautiful, he said he couldn't say which one looked more beautiful. He did not compare, he said they were the same...beautiful.

Nice comment from a nice man complimenting 2 women."

Obviously people interpret it differently.

If he thought that they both looked beautiful, why not just plainly say that?

Tbh I find it an odd thing to say anyway-as a pp put, it's a bit cheesy for me!

WinterDeWinter · 05/02/2022 16:40

Hmm. I think you are self-sabotaging because of trauma, and that you have had 'counselling' but not psychodynamic psychotherapy which works to depth and takes some years. CBT 'tools' are not going to touch this.

OTOH I question his motivation in kissing the top of her head at the same time as yours after you had explicitly told him you had been so hurt by what he said. My OH would definitely definitely held himself at a slight distance from her in those circumstances - he would have been desperate to show me that there was nothing to worry about, however 'ridiculous' it was, and he certainly would not have shown any signs of physical intimacy.

UniversalAunt · 05/02/2022 16:44

What is it with this friendship group where people comment on how beautiful people are & who’d be with who if things were different?

OP as you have bravely acknowledged that you struggle with the everyday impact of what has gone before, & as you wisely say that you are ‘therapied out’. You have worked hard & done well to develop your insight.

Yes, I do have the sense that some of the comments are ‘off’ even if they are made as compliments & shared moments. I find it all a bit over-friendly & intimate for a bunch of friends who meet up once a week.

Maybe ‘friendship group’ means something that I don’t understand?

If this man is good company & you like him, then see him away from this group & find out how you get on just the two of you together.

Good catch @NeverAgainSam about apres-booze blues.

Alcohol is a depressant & may affect your mood in the days after a few drinks. If your mood is low, then you may ruminate on latent emotional matters to place why you may be feeling sad or overwhelmed.

Try seeing the fella on a couple of dates with no or little booze, see how you go.

WinterDeWinter · 05/02/2022 16:45

I agree that it's a bit ick and sexist to discuss a woman's physical attractiveness in public at all - here or yours. WRT the comparison, though, I think he was clumsily trying to be 'courtly'/charmingly gentlemanly and failing.

I mistrust flirtatious men - my father was one, and it's fundamentally predatory and sexualising, even if 'they wouldn't dream of acting on it'. It diminishes women, objectifies them fundamentally. They are not objects of his gaze.

But that's a slightly different topic.

diddl · 05/02/2022 16:49

"Yes, I do have the sense that some of the comments are ‘off’ even if they are made as compliments & shared moments. I find it all a bit over-friendly & intimate for a bunch of friends who meet up once a week"

It does seem to be an odd dynamic.

writingonpaper · 05/02/2022 16:57

@diddl

It's just such a thoughtless comment though.

Why couldn't they both just look beautiful?

Why the element of comparison?

Obviously Op's history with her Mum is making things a lot worse for her, but I think quite a few would be wtf?

Yeah, I wouldn't have liked that comment either.

diddl · 05/02/2022 17:05

Perhaps some of us don't really respond to being complimented about our looks?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/02/2022 17:07

Are you all the cast of Cold Feet?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/02/2022 17:08

I agree with others that it's a really weird compliment.

Why not just "you both look lovely" rather than "I don't know who looks lovelier"? One is a general, nice compliment, the other implies that women are all in competition for male attention.

Nobody asked who looks more beautiful / lovelier etc. So why on earth make it a comparison thing?

Odd from him. And strange for the other woman's husband to tell her he'd marry OP if she died... even stranger for her to tell OP!

suzieruns · 05/02/2022 17:14

It was annoy me too. Not because I have insecurities or any past trauma, but because it is a needless thing to be said. Of course you can find other people attractive, but I wouldn't be thrilled with my husband sitting there trying to decide who he found more beautiful of an evening, me or my friend. I am not surprised you are upset, regardless of any issues of your past. It was weird.

5128gap · 05/02/2022 17:24

I think you need to reframe this from his comment hurt you, to his comment triggered you. You are hurt by something long ago, not by his compliment to you both, which you know rationally. Try to see this as being about your past, and not a reason to make changes in a relationship and friendship group which works for you.

Onthedunes · 05/02/2022 17:54

Reguardless of whether you find this comment to be complimentary or triangulating, it is a bit weird.

Yes it's your friendship group but really if this comment had been dished out within any of my friendship groups over the years we would have laughed in his face, all three, the husband the wife and partner not to mention the rest of the group.

Everyones different but compliments reguarding beauty would have been a no no for me. Even a hint of comparison is thoughtless.

If the roles were reversed I don't think the men would like it.

AutomaticMoon · 05/02/2022 17:59

Look up the Crappy Childhood Fairy on youtube and Pete Walker’s book on CPTSD. You probably have this and it’s different from PTSD, certain PTSD treatments can aggravate CPTSD. I hope you can find the right help to thrive

It’s not ‘wallowing’ when your brain was wired in an abusive situation. What a cruel thing to say.

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