He says I don't support him - confused!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/02/2022 23:47

You are missing something really, really obvious.

That he's a fucking prick and you don't have to take this amount of shit from anybody.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 03/02/2022 23:50

Christ, get rid.

Hawkins001 · 03/02/2022 23:51

@fedupofmoods

Name changed for this but regular poster...

Looking for advice…my husband really struggles with being accountable for any of his actions and will quickly turn any situation into one of blaming me. He regularly says I don’t support him (i am always keen for us to spend time together, I do all of the house financial management, emotional support, organisation, deal with teenage kids etc).
We both work full time and I do try to not react to his mood swings but it is becoming more and more difficult as I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done to cause him being in a mood.

He does take prescribed stimulant medicated for ADHD and the crash after this can cause crashes but even then the crashes are blamed on me/others (eg I was going into a hard meeting and could feel me crashing/I’m tired/unwell/I knew I was coming home to stress and nagging from you etc).

He’s come home tonight in a mood (he is extremely fatigued after a stressful day at work) and I’d suggested he gets an early night etc. He has spoken to DD / messaged family members on group char in a really nice way all evening while I have been snapped at / big sighs any time I speak with “what now…?” etc.

I called him on it and asked why he’s continually choosing to be snappy with me..and I got asked again what do I do to support him? I explained that I ensured everything was done before he got home, kitchen cleaned, dishwasher emptied, washing done and had also reached out to him to share about his day etc. He then retorts with “but what have you actually done to support me....of course you can't tell me what you've actually done, no actions ever come from you it only flows one way..."

This is constant and I’m so tired of the walking on eggshells. The fact he can be lovely and pleasant to DD yet not to me makes me think it’s a choice. Over the years I’ve stood by him through bankruptcy, alcoholism, suspension from work to name a few. Yes he absolutely does do his share of cooking/shopping and looks after me if I'm unwell (I've had some long term illness over last couple of years) so I get he's tired but I think he resents it / me?

I guess I’m just looking for advice and someone to point out that I’m missing something really obvious to help him feel more supported?! What should/does support look like? Because I’m at a loss right now/

I could be wrong, but it's sounds like phrases such as how was your day, ..... Tired, I understand, or positive e.g. You'll do well with x project or go get em tiger,

Kinda thing, basically massaging his ego, and psychological aspects.

Hawkins001 · 03/02/2022 23:52

But that aside, based on your perspectives, he could use an attitude adjustment.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/02/2022 23:53

Bloody hell. Stop being taken for a mug and file for divorce.

Pinkbonbon · 03/02/2022 23:53

You're asking the wrong questions op.

What it boils down to is this, your partner is not a nice man. HE is selfish. And he doesn't xqre about YOUR needs. And he wants tou so caught up wondering what you can do to fulfil his wishes, that you don't stop to realise that he doesn't care about you.

You ARE missing something. The big massive CON he is running on you.

Your needs matter.
Your feelings are valid.

STOP twisting yourself into nlknkts trying to make this dickhead happy. He doesn't want to be happy: He wants you twisting yourself up in knots!

Ask instead, why do I allow him to talk to me this way and stay? Why do I do all the work I this household lile a maid and get no respect? Why does he gave the cheek to make put I'm the one doing nothing?

Because he is not a nice person op.
And he has you well amd truly conned.

Get off the merry go round. Because he will never aknowledge your worth. But you should.

PickAChew · 03/02/2022 23:56

When it's switched on just for you, that is abuse. (it's also abusive when he does it to others, too, but when he reserves his worst behaviour for you, it's clearly not involuntary)

Onthedunes · 04/02/2022 00:28

You know what's fair and unfair op don't you.

Now what are you going to do about it because no ammount of talking will make this ingrate of a man see he has the better deal.

Original poster

fedupofmoods · 04/02/2022 00:29

Thanks to everyone who has replied so quickly... some replies have hit a nerve I think.

I didn't mention, and perhaps should have, that my DD is not his bio daughter but she absolutely adores him and they have an amazing relationship together. Ironically I divorced her Dad because he was abusive (she hasn't seen him for a number of years now either).

This isn't going to make sense but I do believe he is a really good, kind person. I wonder if I'm not doing enough to support as if i was his mood wouldn't be so angry with me? When I have got upset (I try not to in front of him) like in the toilet he'll make comments like "oh yes, now you're crying to get attention, come on now and tell me what I've done to upset you" or "of course it's always someone else's fault" and he'll line out situations where I've blamed others eg. The other day I'd been telling him I was fed up with the mess of DDs room and when I'd spoken to her about it I got attitude back which I'd been a bit upset about. I honestly hadn't thought it was a massive deal, just typical teenage stuff and I was just venting to him and not looking for him to do anything. Anyway, he then used this as an example of how I am always looking to blame others and it's always what everyone has done to me.

I know I have lots of faults and I am working on not being as emotionally reactive: I am waiting for counselling (which was initiated by him) and I thought he would be glad I was doing this as he had identified I needed help. Now it's looking like it'll be in place he's now saying it's another thing I am taking and all I do is take and not give. I don't know what to give? Does that make sense? Sorry if not, it's been a long day!

OP posts:

Geppili · 04/02/2022 00:33

Op, he can switch it on and off depending on his audience/context. He is being really abusive to you.

Geppili · 04/02/2022 00:38

Op, you say

"This isn't going to make sense but I do believe he is a really good, kind person."

His nice behaviour is a mask. What he really is, is under his mask. He shows you who he really is when he is abusive and gaslighting. You classically assume you are wrong because he has brainwashed you into believing you are wrong and he is Mister Wonderful.

What makes sense is that he is NOT a really good, kind person. Good kind people don't treat their spouses with contempt and they definitely don't gaslight them.

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/02/2022 00:40

He’s a cunt. Leave him for your own sanity

Hawkins001 · 04/02/2022 00:40

@fedupofmoods

Thanks to everyone who has replied so quickly... some replies have hit a nerve I think.

I didn't mention, and perhaps should have, that my DD is not his bio daughter but she absolutely adores him and they have an amazing relationship together. Ironically I divorced her Dad because he was abusive (she hasn't seen him for a number of years now either).

This isn't going to make sense but I do believe he is a really good, kind person. I wonder if I'm not doing enough to support as if i was his mood wouldn't be so angry with me? When I have got upset (I try not to in front of him) like in the toilet he'll make comments like "oh yes, now you're crying to get attention, come on now and tell me what I've done to upset you" or "of course it's always someone else's fault" and he'll line out situations where I've blamed others eg. The other day I'd been telling him I was fed up with the mess of DDs room and when I'd spoken to her about it I got attitude back which I'd been a bit upset about. I honestly hadn't thought it was a massive deal, just typical teenage stuff and I was just venting to him and not looking for him to do anything. Anyway, he then used this as an example of how I am always looking to blame others and it's always what everyone has done to me.

I know I have lots of faults and I am working on not being as emotionally reactive: I am waiting for counselling (which was initiated by him) and I thought he would be glad I was doing this as he had identified I needed help. Now it's looking like it'll be in place he's now saying it's another thing I am taking and all I do is take and not give. I don't know what to give? Does that make sense? Sorry if not, it's been a long day!

Sounds like his preference is for you to have a military mind set, sorts like keep soldering on, and be their to listen to your dh and dd perspectives and frustrations ect, yet it seems your not ment to vent ect. At least that's my basic analysis.

Geppili · 04/02/2022 00:43

Finally, he is behaving in a classically abusive way. He accuses you of the very thing HE is actually guilty of, namely, not acknowledging and meeting YOUR needs.He has projected his failing on to you. Google DARVO.

Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2022 00:48

I don't know if it's sank in yet op - you are not the issue.

You pour and pour into an empty bucket but if the bucket has a hole in it, it will never be full.

As pp said, he is abusive op.
Even the quotes you have given from him, are abusive. You are in an abusive relationship.

Often people go from one abuser to another. They don't recognise that abuse can present itself differently from one abuser to the next. So they think 'but he cannot be abusive because my ex was abusive and he is not the same as him'. Abuse presents in many different ways.

Also, normal for abusers to be great with one or several members of the family and shit to one. That way, the one person thinks they have done something to provoke this nasty behaviour.

Please please see it for what it is op.
Speak to the councilor about it. Hopefully they will help you see if we cannot.

His behaviour is not normal and it is not nice. And the sooner you can get away the better. You don't want your daughter growing up seeing him treat you this way and thinking its normal for mentl to treatbtheir partners like that. And- If he is abusing their mum, he is NOT s good stepfather.

Original poster

fedupofmoods · 04/02/2022 00:49

@Geppili oh my goodness you mention gaslighting - he's accused me of that. I'm going to Google DARVO tomorrow but am now a bit scared about what it might reveal...

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 04/02/2022 00:54

Based on your example about DDs room, he's a arsehole. And he's got you second guessing yourself as well to excuse his actions.

Original poster

fedupofmoods · 04/02/2022 00:54

@Pinkbonbon thanks for your replies. Going to read again tomorrow. Wasn't expecting the responses I got at all. But yours and others have actually made me feel quite teary and a bit sick at same time. Crap this is becoming scary.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 04/02/2022 00:57

It's not you, it's him. I promise.

Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2022 01:00

[quote fedupofmoods]@Geppili oh my goodness you mention gaslighting - he's accused me of that. I'm going to Google DARVO tomorrow but am now a bit scared about what it might reveal...

[/quote]
The fact he has accused you of it, makes it very clear that he knows what he is doing. He even knows what it's called.

Definately read up on the terms.

Narcissistic triangulation is another one that might be relevant. It's when they play two people off against eachother. Usually two women but...can be daughter and mum. Also 'scapegoat vs holden child' usually a treatment from a narcissist parent where they pick a fave child and a scapegoat scapegoat use them against eachother in some way (eg: treating one as they can do no wrong and the other...like shit). But can happen when they use mum and daughter against eachother too.

Melanie tonia Evans does good yourtube videos on narcissists too. Definately worth a watch.

But remember, never accuse him of gaslighting or any of these things - because he will reverse it on you.

He wants you to feel like you are the one with issues. But you are not. Well, other than having had the wool pulled over your eyes.

Pinkbonbon · 04/02/2022 01:02

[quote fedupofmoods]@Pinkbonbon thanks for your replies. Going to read again tomorrow. Wasn't expecting the responses I got at all. But yours and others have actually made me feel quite teary and a bit sick at same time. Crap this is becoming scary. [/quote]
It's definatley a scary thing to realise op. Sorry to put you through it. But if it saves you from a lifetime living with a bully then hopefully it's worth it :)

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2022 01:06

All I'm going to say is take the blinders off. There is nothing good about this man. He uses you as an emotional punching bag, and then blames you for his deplorable behaviour.

Get the fuck away from him. You can't do this fast enough.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/02/2022 01:39

Wow. He has completely manipulated you into believing it's all your fault.

when I have got upset (I try not to in front of him) like in the toilet he'll make comments like "oh yes, now you're crying to get attention, come on now and tell me what I've done to upset you" or "of course it's always someone else's fault" and he'll line out situations where I've blamed others

Please make plans to leave him now and show your daughter what self respect looks like.

Graphista · 04/02/2022 01:46

You are being verbally and emotionally abused and controlled.

Get rid of this utter twat!

Ironically I divorced her Dad because he was abusive

Not ironic at all. If you've been in one abusive relationship you're more likely to end up in another

believe he is a really good, kind person.

Not to you!

He doesn't really want you getting counselling because any decent counsellor will identify the abuse!

I suspect you didn't recognise it as abuse as it was lacking certain elements of abuse that were present in your previous relationship

How long was there between the 2?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/02/2022 01:53

I know I have lots of faults and I am working on not being as emotionally reactive: I am waiting for counselling (which was initiated by him)

What the actual, and I cannot stress this enough, fuck? Turn the mirror back on him. Stop blaming yourself. You may need counselling to work out why you're putting up with shitty men. You don't need it to accommodate this wanker.