He says I don't support him - confused!

[fedupofmoods]

Name changed for this but regular poster...

Looking for advice…my husband really struggles with being accountable for any of his actions and will quickly turn any situation into one of blaming me. He regularly says I don’t support him (i am always keen for us to spend time together, I do all of the house financial management, emotional support, organisation, deal with teenage kids etc).
We both work full time and I do try to not react to his mood swings but it is becoming more and more difficult as I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done to cause him being in a mood.

He does take prescribed stimulant medicated for ADHD and the crash after this can cause crashes but even then the crashes are blamed on me/others (eg I was going into a hard meeting and could feel me crashing/I’m tired/unwell/I knew I was coming home to stress and nagging from you etc).

He’s come home tonight in a mood (he is extremely fatigued after a stressful day at work) and I’d suggested he gets an early night etc. He has spoken to DD / messaged family members on group char in a really nice way all evening while I have been snapped at / big sighs any time I speak with “what now…?” etc.

I called him on it and asked why he’s continually choosing to be snappy with me..and I got asked again what do I do to support him? I explained that I ensured everything was done before he got home, kitchen cleaned, dishwasher emptied, washing done and had also reached out to him to share about his day etc. He then retorts with “but what have you actually done to support me....of course you can't tell me what you've actually done, no actions ever come from you it only flows one way..."

This is constant and I’m so tired of the walking on eggshells. The fact he can be lovely and pleasant to DD yet not to me makes me think it’s a choice. Over the years I’ve stood by him through bankruptcy, alcoholism, suspension from work to name a few. Yes he absolutely does do his share of cooking/shopping and looks after me if I'm unwell (I've had some long term illness over last couple of years) so I get he's tired but I think he resents it / me?

I guess I’m just looking for advice and someone to point out that I’m missing something really obvious to help him feel more supported?! What should/does support look like? Because I’m at a loss right now/

Ohh @fedupofmoods - I am so sorry you have had to go through this. Even from this thread alone, it is crystal clear to me that none of what he did was your fault - as many wiser posters in here have said, he was abusing you.

Where do you go from here? I’d suggest that, for the moment, you don’t need to ‘go’ anywhere. Right now, you need to rest, to have some peace and quiet, and to begin to heal from all the damage he has done both to you, and to your relationship with your dd. You need to grieve the man you thought he was, and the hopes of a loving relationship that were so cruelly taken away from you.

In time, counselling will help, I’m sure - and you will learn to truly love yourself, and how to spot the abusive men, so you can avoid them. There are good men out there - I am married to one, and mum to three more, and I know, and have known many good men during my life.

Best not test out any more potential good men while your poor kid is still at home. While you can’t teach her about excellent relationships/standards by example, you can teach her how to see red flags, what are not acceptable standards of behaviour, etc. She’ll likely need ongoing help to live with the trauma.

What is it that you love about him ? Really think - what does he do to deserve your love and loyalty ?

I'm so pleased you aren't with him. I was really concerned for you and your daughter reading your original posts.

You got unlucky and ended up with an abusive man. You can start to rebuild now you are away from him. Have you got legal advice? Anyone IRL supporting you?

@economicervix in the process of seeking for her. I know I have messed up massively and please trust me when I say if I ever ever thought this would've turned out like it did I wouldn't have entertained any relationship with him.

Erase him from your thoughts, your focus needs to be solely on your kid. Obviously divorce the piece of shit if you haven’t already started.

Well done on getting rid of this abusive ball and chain from your lives.

Where do you go?

Divorce, therapy for you and the DC.
Heaps of self care.
Maybe find some self esteem, empowerment groups, workshops, retreats for you and the kids.
Positive activities with the kids.

Well done OP and don't ever entertain the idea of having him back. Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour. I expect he gradually got worse after initially being nice. Sadly, it was the nice part that was the act.

Some good advice in the post above.

Well done for getting rid of that nasty scapegoating cunt. You come across as a lovely person and you and your DD deserve so much more that an evil deadbeat bankrupt alcoholic.