He says I don't support him - confused!

[fedupofmoods]

Name changed for this but regular poster...

Looking for advice…my husband really struggles with being accountable for any of his actions and will quickly turn any situation into one of blaming me. He regularly says I don’t support him (i am always keen for us to spend time together, I do all of the house financial management, emotional support, organisation, deal with teenage kids etc).
We both work full time and I do try to not react to his mood swings but it is becoming more and more difficult as I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done to cause him being in a mood.

He does take prescribed stimulant medicated for ADHD and the crash after this can cause crashes but even then the crashes are blamed on me/others (eg I was going into a hard meeting and could feel me crashing/I’m tired/unwell/I knew I was coming home to stress and nagging from you etc).

He’s come home tonight in a mood (he is extremely fatigued after a stressful day at work) and I’d suggested he gets an early night etc. He has spoken to DD / messaged family members on group char in a really nice way all evening while I have been snapped at / big sighs any time I speak with “what now…?” etc.

I called him on it and asked why he’s continually choosing to be snappy with me..and I got asked again what do I do to support him? I explained that I ensured everything was done before he got home, kitchen cleaned, dishwasher emptied, washing done and had also reached out to him to share about his day etc. He then retorts with “but what have you actually done to support me....of course you can't tell me what you've actually done, no actions ever come from you it only flows one way..."

This is constant and I’m so tired of the walking on eggshells. The fact he can be lovely and pleasant to DD yet not to me makes me think it’s a choice. Over the years I’ve stood by him through bankruptcy, alcoholism, suspension from work to name a few. Yes he absolutely does do his share of cooking/shopping and looks after me if I'm unwell (I've had some long term illness over last couple of years) so I get he's tired but I think he resents it / me?

I guess I’m just looking for advice and someone to point out that I’m missing something really obvious to help him feel more supported?! What should/does support look like? Because I’m at a loss right now/

My 32 year old dd has a borderline personality disorder and she does exactly the same. Everything is my fault, I'm to blame and I don't support her ( not true, I do everything possible)
Your husband sounds horrible.

@Marmelace

I would be seriously questioning why he is trying to alienate your daughter from you, what's his agenda?

This. How old is your daughter @fedupofmoods ?

This makes incredibly uncomfortable reading - so sorry OP. It all sounds awful & such hard work. A healthy relationship takes work, of course, but not to the point where you are tying yourself in knots. Exhausting! You deserve so much better.

I would not want that man anywhere near my daughter. What is he playing at?? He has pulled a number on you OP

Fedupofmoods your updates appalled me. How old is your DD? This man is messing with your daughter's head too. Triangulating all the time to make you the perpetrator, her the victim and him (irony of ironies) the rescuer. He is highly manipulative. You really need to make space for yourself to absorb all this. Use this thread as a secret journal where you can process and plan. Don't let him know that mumsnet has removed his blinkers from you. Take care. Keep posting.

Op I am invested in this thread because I survived covert incest which is what your H is beginning to commit on your daughter. It does not mean sexual abuse, it means blurring of boundaries and the parent treats the child like a partner emotionally. It is extremely damaging.

Take some time, but please listen to how serious and emphatic every response on your thread has been. It feels so shocking to you because he has normalised all these behaviours and ground you down. As I said before, don't doubt yourself. Doubt him.

Oh sweetheart, thousands of us on MN have walked in your shoes. We understand the hurt, bewilderment and the desperate trying to make sense of it all. The second guessing and the self doubt.
This man is a nightmare monster in human form.
I would bet my life that if you and dd left, that when you had time to think and breathe, space and freedom from his control, you would start to have clarity, strength and a fulfilling and rewarding life.
We hear you @fedupofmoods keep talking to us.

What he is doing with playing your daughter against you is the golden child scapegoat dynamic.

He has made her the family golden child and you, the scapegoat who can do nothing right.

It is also narcissistic triangulation as he is playing you off against eachother.

The 'golden child' in this case, your daughter is also being abused. Firstly Because she is being taught that this behaviour is normal from a partner. And secondly, because she probably knows that the way he treats you could also be the way he treats her, should she put a foot wrong in his eyes. She has to constantly act like his right hand man because otherwise...she'd be in the devil's path.

Just had a chance to read more responses, my head is banging and I'm close to tears...
I'm so so confused.

@layladomino @marblequeen @layladomino @Newestname002 ame002 @thefoundation @youvegottenminuteynn @nowevenbetter
I am going to pursue the counselling on my own. My GP had contacted the the psychiatrist my DH was assigned (ADHD comes under mental health umbrella in my area) to seek potential couple counsellors for us but the psychiatrist advised my GP he was going to source someone for me as he wanted to do some work with my DH individually before we saw someone together. My emotionally reactivity is something I have struggled with - my DM has significant mental health issues and even as an adult I struggle with not reacting to things she at times goads me with until I bite and then it's my fault and she's devastated and "look what you've done to me". Nothing I do is ever good enough/any action criticised. Ironically my DH helped me establish boundaries with her...

I have had some trauma counselling in the past but that was to do with my ExH and instigated through victim support. It got me through a difficult time.
My first counselling assessment appointment Is at end of month. I will go.

Re my daughter. She is 14. This is where I get so tied up. She will never forgive me if I leave - she has said that and made comments before that if I was to divorce DH like I did her Dad that she would want to live with him. She really does see him as amazing, good and kind especially as he looked after me for several months after I became very ill. He did everything at that time (as I'm frequently reminded he kept me alive for 6months). Please know that I completely appreciate the toll this took on him and our family and I truly regret not being around - but I honestly had no control over the illness I had. To DD he is funny, he gets on well with her friends, cooks amazing meals and is interested in her. He talks to her, listens to her, enjoys spending time with her and will often bake/play games spend time with her. He treats her brilliantly. He is everything to her that her Dad was/is not. So from that respect he is showing her how a man should be. In fact I'm perhaps a bit jealous as I wish he would spend the same time with me sometimes.
But I am uncomfortable with how he speaks to me around her and I've articulated it's not ok and pulled her up when she joins in. But the 2 against 1 dynamic is hard and I'm seen, and told, that I'm being over dramatic or too sensitive.

My DM also regularly celebrates DH for what he does for us and tells me how I'm so fortunate to have him. Any achievement or something I've done is met with "you couldn't have done that without DHs help". If this marriage fails my DM will 100% blame me. My whole life it's been about how what I've done has affected her.

I desperately want to be loved for just being me. But it's not enough.

@ProudThrilledHappy so financially I work full time. The house is mortgaged in my name only (post divorce) and there's a bit of equity in it. Due to DHs bankruptcy the car loans etc are all in my name.
I earn around 20% more than DH (about £10000).

@CantGetDecentNickname your advice is amazing, thank you. I guess he supports me by cooking and being there for DD. The documents etc I have them all - he wouldn't know where to start with utilities or anything like that. He's shown no interest in them so I have everything electronically, all the account passwords etc. I don't have anyone really to reach out to IRL. At work I'm professional and would be seen as capable and with it.

Even tonight I have used your advice and it's been interesting - he made a few digs, told DD to keep and eye on me as "your mum looks pale and is acting weird, rather than come to shops with me would you mind staying and keeping an eye on her?"

I said no need, I'm fine!. Later on he accused me of hiding his meds. I said I hadn't and walked away. At dinner time I went to get DD but she was sleeping (she's recovering from a virus and has had a tough week at school work wise but she's excelled) so I said I was going to leave her for a bit and she could eat later. He said "well, if you really cared about this family like you say you do you would make sure she was down to eat." I explained she was sleeping soundly, id rather leave her but if he was insisting then he could speak to her. He resorted with "fuck this, you can eat dinner on your own". So I did. He has now been in the bath for the last 2 hours. I'm calm and going to ignore it.

@MarbleQueen thank you, I'm going to really try to do that. Walk away and disengage. Stick to the values I have and not tolerate DD joining in. She knows I value truth and kindness. I've worked hard to rebuild the relationship with her after my illness meant I was not really there and she is a good kid overall (messy bedroom/hormonal stuff/some back chat but does work hard/decent friends etc). You make such an interesting pony about energy - he literally will fall asleep easily and can also flip emotions towards me like a switch so after a tricky night from my perspective he'll then say he loves me so much then instantly sleep while I'm lying tormented and crying playing over his words. I've also put if down to his ADHD but you've made me think...it's confusing.
The other thing though is my ExH also told me I was mentally unstable - my solicitor saw right though that though at the time and my GP also provided reports to court. However can the two people I have fallen in love with both be wrong?

@MrsTerryPratchett you may be right...but when we first got together it was amazing. He was amazing. I had hope! My DD started smiling again.

@Geppili and @pinkbonbon your words in particular are haunting me this evening. I hear what you're telling me. I am doubting everything I've done. What I'm doing.
Any advice as to what I can do over the next while to minimise damage/impact of his behaviour? If you've manage to read this post I've spoken about tonight - am I doing that right?

Sorry for another essay. I didn't expect this support.

For me this is ringing all the warning alarms in connection with your daughter.

I would want him as far away from her as you can get him.

I know I'm not the only one reading this and thinking that's he wants your daughter.

It's not clear exactly what 'support' he wants. Get him to spell it out to you plain and simple.

You can't really move forward and see if he's at all justified until you get these answers.

I'd be asking him for specifics and not putting up with vague statements such as 'You don't support me'.

The best thing that you can do is get out and get out fast.

In the mean time 'don't speak to me like that. It's not OK'. All in a calm tone. The leave the room. Only if he is talking to you that way infront of your kid though. Just to call atattention to the fact that you are not accepting it and its not on.

Once he is gone, sit your daughter down and explain that the way he spoke to you was abuse. And that you left him because he was abusive. And that you should have done it years ago.

Tell her that she may not unserstand but its your decision. And dhat you ure sorry she had to witness him treat you that way bfor so long, because t was not a nice way for a man to treat a woman and you don't want her growing up to think ttat is behaviour was normal or OK.

She can still see him if she wants. But make it clear that you will never take him back. And that should he start behaving cruelly to her at any point, she also has the right to walk away.

Then both of you would be wise to do the freedom program online.

I'm.surr she will be angry for a while. But you are the parent so you have to make tough decisions sometimes. That means being a healthy influence and removing abusive men from your life.
You are the parent and she is thr child, it's your decision.

I am very concerned for your DD. Agree with PP look at doing the freedom program

" he made a few digs, told DD to keep and eye on me as "your mum looks pale and is acting weird, rather than come to shops with me would you mind staying and keeping an eye on her?"

Treating you as the child/scapegoat/insane, treating your DD as the parent/golden child/sane.

This isn't a little dig. This is hardcore manipulation, gaslighting and emotional coercion. Making her responsible for looking after you and his feelings, twisting it so that you are spoiling he golden time he has with her.

He is infantilising you and parentifying your daughter.

However can the two people I have fallen in love with both be wrong?

I mean this kindly, cut that out. Throughout history millions of people thought they were right. And they weren’t.

I note you’ve been punished (the bath) for not playing the game. I expect there will be plenty more where that came from .Really he was not interested in the dinner issue, he wanted you to explain yourself to him because he sees himself as the boss and judge of you.

How much time does he spend alone with your dd op? I’m concerned he does or might start wanting emotional support from her about your marriage. It is alarming he is putting her in a parental position over you.

Also, did he really factually keep you alive for 6 months?

To DD he is funny, he gets on well with her friends, cooks amazing meals and is interested in her. He talks to her, listens to her, enjoys spending time with her and will often bake/play games spend time with her. He treats her brilliantly. He is everything to her that her Dad was/is not. So from that respect he is showing her how a man should be. In fact I'm perhaps a bit jealous as I wish he would spend the same time with me sometimes

The more that is mentioned about his relationship with your dd the more concerned I am becoming. It actually looks like his main relationship is with dd.

You mention he is bankrupt and an alcoholic. Does he still drink?

If you are so awful, I wonder why this mentally ill miserable bankrupt alcoholic doesn’t leave you?

Op, don't you think yourself this is all sounding odd.

His behaviour of being insulted about nothing doesn't add up in a logical sense.
It only makes sense if you start looking for a darker motive for his behaviour.

You are confused and I'm not surprised, even his gaslighting makes no sense. You are here with us now and I hope the replies are confirming that you are right to be questioning this existance, you being marginalized in your own home and having found yourself at the bottom of the pecking order.

You are questioning your own sanity, through past relationships as well but this means nothing, you are an empath, highly sought out by narcissists. He knows what he is doing, what a fantastic ego boost for him to be put above you in your daughter's eyes.

I too am concerned for you and your daughter.
Keep posting.
x

There is nothing ‘little dig’ about his behaviour. This doesn’t sound salvageable, he is manipulative and nasty and trying to destroy your self esteem and mental health. You are capable and loving and do not in any way deserve this.

However can the two people I have fallen in love with both be wrong?
Abusers use the same tactics. You have fallen in love with two abusers. Hardly surprising that you are vulnerable to them if your mother brought you up to think that you are a bad person.

I stand by what I already posted, analyse this bloke in your own time if you feel the need, but get your child away from him, it’s not fair on her to force her into your abusive sham of a marriage. His thoughts and words are worthless.

I echo the posters who are concerned about your DD. This sounds like classic grooming to me. As a survivor of this kind of arsehole all the signs are there.

If this marriage fails my DM will 100% blame me. My whole life it's been about how what I've done has affected her.

I desperately want to be loved for just being me. But it's not enough.

It’s not your fault you’ve ended up in unhealthy dynamics in relationships. It’s not your fault these men picked you and made you fall in love with them. You didn’t “choose” wrong, it was done to you. And your childhood relationships will be the root cause of that vulnerability.

The way he speaks about you to your DD and other people is deeply, deeply worrying. It’s not you. It is him. He’s trying to destabilise you and he knows your history with what your ex did. That’s fucked up on his part. Deeply fucked up. From what I’m reading I’m sure he’s doing it deliberately but even if he isn’t- even if we offer him a smidgen of the benefit of the doubt, to make you feel better- what he’s doing and saying are having a terrible effect on you. So regardless of his intentions he’s a problem.

You’ve been to counselling together and nothing changed despite it being successful ‘in the room’.

Please stay safe. Consider your next steps.

Thought I'd send an update, also maybe a hand hold...

Things escalated as many predicted. I'm confused, hurt and angry and annoyed at myself for not seeing things sooner. After a really unpleasant few months he's no longer living with us. But it's hard and I love him. However I've discovered a lot of lies and he is showing no accountability or remorse.

Where do I go from here?

I remember your thread.

Yes you still live him and it hurts like hell but keep focusing on his lack of remorse or accountability.

Try and find ways of not thinking about him...

My head was totally full of my exh when I left but I trained myself to see those thoughts as an annoying monkey tapping a drum and would take a step back and let the thoughts go past. Not sure if that is at all clear but just to say you can do this, every day is a little easier. ❤

Is your kid having therapy yet? Having two abusive houses inflicted on her is just brutal.