He says I don't support him - confused!

[fedupofmoods]

Name changed for this but regular poster...

Looking for advice…my husband really struggles with being accountable for any of his actions and will quickly turn any situation into one of blaming me. He regularly says I don’t support him (i am always keen for us to spend time together, I do all of the house financial management, emotional support, organisation, deal with teenage kids etc).
We both work full time and I do try to not react to his mood swings but it is becoming more and more difficult as I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done to cause him being in a mood.

He does take prescribed stimulant medicated for ADHD and the crash after this can cause crashes but even then the crashes are blamed on me/others (eg I was going into a hard meeting and could feel me crashing/I’m tired/unwell/I knew I was coming home to stress and nagging from you etc).

He’s come home tonight in a mood (he is extremely fatigued after a stressful day at work) and I’d suggested he gets an early night etc. He has spoken to DD / messaged family members on group char in a really nice way all evening while I have been snapped at / big sighs any time I speak with “what now…?” etc.

I called him on it and asked why he’s continually choosing to be snappy with me..and I got asked again what do I do to support him? I explained that I ensured everything was done before he got home, kitchen cleaned, dishwasher emptied, washing done and had also reached out to him to share about his day etc. He then retorts with “but what have you actually done to support me....of course you can't tell me what you've actually done, no actions ever come from you it only flows one way..."

This is constant and I’m so tired of the walking on eggshells. The fact he can be lovely and pleasant to DD yet not to me makes me think it’s a choice. Over the years I’ve stood by him through bankruptcy, alcoholism, suspension from work to name a few. Yes he absolutely does do his share of cooking/shopping and looks after me if I'm unwell (I've had some long term illness over last couple of years) so I get he's tired but I think he resents it / me?

I guess I’m just looking for advice and someone to point out that I’m missing something really obvious to help him feel more supported?! What should/does support look like? Because I’m at a loss right now/

DON'T go to see a counsellor with hi. He will use everything you thought you were openly and constructively saying to address your problems in the counselling session, once you get home.

Read up on emotional abuse OP. From what you say, you're experiencing textbook abuse.

But also, you don't have to do anything until you're ready. To begin with, try to just emotionally detach a bit. Try to step back and just observe what he does, the strategies he uses, the particular things he picks on you for. Make a list of them.

You will then start to see your relationship more objectively and feel less of that horrible sense of desperate confusion and realise there is nothing wrong with you, it's him.

Also, I bet your DD has noticed.

Op hopefully you are resting now. It must feel frightening and strange to have such a unanimous and strong reaction to your husband's behaviour. Try to take strength from us: a hive mind which has so much wisdom and experience. He is nasty and manipulative. DARVO is just a recognised way in which abusive people deny and deflect to protect their pathetic self image. It is however scary in its effects on the victim. It can leave a victim psychologically damaged because they are being injured/insulted and told repeatedly they brought it on themselves or that you are faking or that you have no right to outrage because you are injuring him! It is a total and utter headfuck. It is pernicious because the victim doesn't present with bruises. The injuries are to the victim's sense of self and sense of reality. Use this thread for support and try to detach a little from him. He needs you much much more than you need him. You are strong and brave to have posted. Deep down you knew that his behaviour comes from nastiness, but you really doubted yourself. Don't doubt yourself. Doubt him.

Also what @madroid , @MrsTerryPratchett and @Graphista said in spades!

Final insomniac thought: could he secretly have relapsed? You mentioned supporting him through alcoholism. You have supported him LOADS! And doing the dishwasher and supper isn't supporting. It is called adulting. Something he clearly cannot manage.

It happens a lot is that you trade a Level 10 arsehole in for a Level 7 arsehole.

He's still an arsehole though.

Why is he allowed to be such a fuck up in life and everyone is supposed to be understanding and tolerate it? Why is allowed to snap and stomp around about everything? Why is he allowed to have mood swings?

But you aren't allowed to have the tiniest bit of upset about anything?

It really isn't you. It's him.

What should/does support look like?

Nothing like what he offers you.

Him blaming his meds and crashing is an excuse. If he can be civil to everyone except you, he’s the problem. Sorry, but the mask has fallen.

He's not ' a good kind person ' Really.

You know it’s not your fault but you’re not ready to accept that your with another abusive twat. As nice as he is to your daughter, she’s also being taught that the way he treats her mother is what she should expect from future partners. Go for counselling, not because you’re the problem but because hopefully you’ll accept that he is.

Having ADHD and being an abusive twat aren’t mutually exclusive.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

You are missing something really, really obvious.

That he's a fucking prick and you don't have to take this amount of shit from anybody.

Bullseye right here.

Hes AWFUL op!!! You can't live like that, it must be exhausting.

What a self centered, nasty, unloving man😥

It sounds to me like he's projecting, he's doing exactly the things he's accusing you of.

Next time he blames you just think about what he is doing.
Because blaming you means he's not taking responsibility and the responsibility will never fall on him for anything.
It's clever and is designed to make you doubt yourself.

Stop thinking you can change him by changing yourself, it's never going to happen. Trust me I spent 11 years trying and in the end I left.

It's not you, it's him and he knows what he's doing.
Even the nice times are part of the same cycle.

From what you have said - he is abusive. He is making and will continue to make you very unhappy. He is cruel and gas lights you all the time. You are his punch bag. Have you re-read what you have said objectively?
Perhaps he is always so nice to dd in order for you to get the contrast of that with how he feels about and treats you - for you to realise you are always in the dog house.

Just to add - next time he uses the word ''support'' at you tell him to buy a pair of crutches from Amazon! Or buy some for him and leave them in hallway - ''support'' indeed whenever he needs it!

I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done
I had these games with my exh towards the end of our marriage. He'd accuse me of something; I'd frantically try to remember what had happened that day to show that his accusations were not true; he'd dismiss my memory as wrong and accuse me of something else.

The reason my ex did this was to distract me from his affair. I was spending so much time feeling bad about myself, so much brainpower and stress trying to remember and construct my argument carefully, that I forgot to ask myself whether he was behaving nicely, whether I wanted to be with him, what he was doing.

It's not worth it trying to justify yourself, as it doesn't work.
And the time and energy required to do it mean you are not asking yourself the right question: why am I with this nasty man?

Have you tried just stopping? He says you dont do anything, so don't.

@Geppili

Finally, he is behaving in a classically abusive way. He accuses you of the very thing HE is actually guilty of, namely, not acknowledging and meeting YOUR needs.He has projected his failing on to you. Google DARVO.

THIS!!!!

The irony of him thinking you need counselling/help.

He's not nice, OP

I am so overwhelmed by the responses. Amazing and thank you all. I've spent a lot of time reading and thinking this morning. My head is banging and I don't know how or what to feel....

This has ended up being a bit of an essay but I've found it useful to work through things.

@Pinkbonbon oh goodness. The triangulation you describe has resonated. For months dinner times have been hard as I've often felt "ganged up on"-sometimes lighthearted banter but at times it's verged on me feeling really hurt and upset by comments made. This can be as simple as talking about plans for the weekend, if DD suggests an activity he'll say "now you know we can't do that because your mum will say no.." , "remember, any plans have to be on your mums terms..." sometimes it might be something I'll say no to but sometimes it may have been something totally appropriate that we could do but those comments then end up with teenage responses of "I know, mums so boring.." . If I then try to say that I feel the comment was unfair it escalates into "now look DD, watch what your mum does here it'll be everyone else's fault and about how she feels..." It then feels very much 2 against 1 and they may then go and play a computer game or something together and I feel excluded which I know is childish and in need to get a grip of those emotions.

Is that possible what you mean with the triangulation or is what I'm describing just typical family dynamics?!

@Aquamarine1029 thank you, I think I am seeing things a bit differently as so many people are saying the same things. I want my DD to have positive relationships with others and self respect and know she's struggling with things which happened with her and her biological dad. The hard thing is she really things that my DH is the most amazing person ever and he has done and does so much for and with her.

Everyone else thinks he’s so funny/lovely/kind (and he can be these things) but I know he wouldn’t dream of speaking to his work colleagues the way he does me. He works in a female dominated environment too so I can’t get my head around his behaviour which then makes me think it must be me?

@Graphista there was only 6months between my ex and DH. I'd no intention of having anyone in my life after him but he was so so kind, listened to me, was amazing with my DD and seemed truly upset and supportive with what he knew about my past. I feel for him completely and allowed myself to trust which was massive for me.

@Fuckmyliferightnow and
@MrsTerryPratchett I know...seeing responses has made me realise this is not all on me. He actually contacted my GP as he was worried about my emotional state a few months ago. I had been really upset and told him I'd had enough - he took this that I meant suicide. I didn't. He said he was so worried he had to get me help.

He also raised his concerns about me with the psychiatric who oversaw his ADHD treatment. This ma. was absolutely amazing and did some couples sessions with us but he has sadly been moved to a different post and unlikely to be replaced. The sad thing for me was during the sessions DH really seemed to understand what he was being told and willing to be accountable for his behaviours as he had broken my trust (long story, not affair related but trust due to misuse of meds and accusing me of loosing them etc) which has to be built back. I do have massive issues with trust because of my past experiences and the psychiatrist explained that to DH which seemed to resonate with him at the time and it was like a penny drop moment where he was apologetic and even upset with himself. He made an effort but shortly after he reverted back and then told me the sessions were all about what he had to do for me but what did I do for him? I tried to explain that I was working on things theat had been identified too (my emotional regulation, understanding challenges he faces day to day) but that ultimately he broke the trust which was the foundation of our relationship.

@madroid and @ravenmum thank you too. I need to detach emotionally I think but now sure how? I want this marriage to work...although I have recently started to make a note of things he has said in order to make sense of them and also because I thought I was going mad as he's said before that just because I say it happened doesn't mean it's reality...but I also recognise that this may show me a pattern. I'm scared what I'm going to find.

@Geppili I did sleep but not great and I feel exhausted today! I am taken aback by the responses but have absolutely taken strength from the fact that others would not give their time to comment and share their thoughts with me unless they felt they were needed. I am scared though...DARVO made some much sense. And I can see it. You mention reality - he has told me recently when I tried to speak to him that I have to remember that just because I say something happened is my reality but not necessarily the truth. I'm now writing things down to almost reassure myself!

If you've read this far thank you, it's amazing to feel heard.

"now look DD, watch what your mum does here it'll be everyone else's fault and about how she feels..." It then feels very much 2 against 1 and they may then go and play a computer game or something together and I feel excluded which I know is childish and in need to get a grip of those emotions.
He's being a right nasty bastard and your emotions are telling you that. You are acting like an adult. He is not - badmouthing you to your daughter and mucking up her relationship with her mother is not what a responsible adult does.

He is not a good person. He is abusing you. Gaslighting you. Playing with your head intentionally. Creating problems between you and DC. He doesn't show respect or care. He actively tries to upset you, anger you, confuse you.

You are not at fault. This is all on him. He would be the same if he was with someone else. He isn't capable of having a proper healthy relationship.

Please seek some counselling ON YOUR OWN. Don't tell him about it as he'll just use it against you and try to undermine it. Keep talking on here. And keep reminding yourself you aren't at fault.

He's managed to convince you that his problems are somehow your responsibilty to solve or your fault. They are neither. He is not a good man. He is an abuser. And he knows what he's doing.

He's using your daughter as ammunition to use against you - he's absolute scum.

It’s really concerning that he is going to significant lengths to have you labelled as mentally unwell by professionals. He is setting the scene so that when you complain about his abuse no one will listen because you’re “mad”. It’s unfortunately quite common and shows how cunning he is. He’s got something nasty planned.

The other concern is your daughter. He is actively encouraging her to have a negative opinion of you and there is a real risk of estrangement here. It must be awful for you to be treated like this.

Can you contact women’s aid?

I have to echo what @MarbleQueen has said, this is a worrying development that might lead toward questioning your competency.

Can I ask what your situation is financially, do you have any significant assets?

@NeverDropYourMooncup

You are missing something really, really obvious.

That he's a fucking prick and you don't have to take this amount of shit from anybody.

This.

absolutely this.