He says I don't support him - confused!

[fedupofmoods]

Name changed for this but regular poster...

Looking for advice…my husband really struggles with being accountable for any of his actions and will quickly turn any situation into one of blaming me. He regularly says I don’t support him (i am always keen for us to spend time together, I do all of the house financial management, emotional support, organisation, deal with teenage kids etc).
We both work full time and I do try to not react to his mood swings but it is becoming more and more difficult as I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done to cause him being in a mood.

He does take prescribed stimulant medicated for ADHD and the crash after this can cause crashes but even then the crashes are blamed on me/others (eg I was going into a hard meeting and could feel me crashing/I’m tired/unwell/I knew I was coming home to stress and nagging from you etc).

He’s come home tonight in a mood (he is extremely fatigued after a stressful day at work) and I’d suggested he gets an early night etc. He has spoken to DD / messaged family members on group char in a really nice way all evening while I have been snapped at / big sighs any time I speak with “what now…?” etc.

I called him on it and asked why he’s continually choosing to be snappy with me..and I got asked again what do I do to support him? I explained that I ensured everything was done before he got home, kitchen cleaned, dishwasher emptied, washing done and had also reached out to him to share about his day etc. He then retorts with “but what have you actually done to support me....of course you can't tell me what you've actually done, no actions ever come from you it only flows one way..."

This is constant and I’m so tired of the walking on eggshells. The fact he can be lovely and pleasant to DD yet not to me makes me think it’s a choice. Over the years I’ve stood by him through bankruptcy, alcoholism, suspension from work to name a few. Yes he absolutely does do his share of cooking/shopping and looks after me if I'm unwell (I've had some long term illness over last couple of years) so I get he's tired but I think he resents it / me?

I guess I’m just looking for advice and someone to point out that I’m missing something really obvious to help him feel more supported?! What should/does support look like? Because I’m at a loss right now/

This is really terrifying to read. He targeted you when you were in a vulnerable state and now is intending to totally screw with your mind. He sounds like a bloody monster OP and you seriously need to think about leaving him before you lose yourself and end up with serious mental health problems caused by him.

is what I'm describing just typical family dynamics?!

That is so, so far away from typical family dynamics - it's abusive and bullying and he's manipulating your DD to isolate you as well.

@MarbleQueen

It’s really concerning that he is going to significant lengths to have you labelled as mentally unwell by professionals. He is setting the scene so that when you complain about his abuse no one will listen because you’re “mad”. It’s unfortunately quite common and shows how cunning he is. He’s got something nasty planned.

The other concern is your daughter. He is actively encouraging her to have a negative opinion of you and there is a real risk of estrangement here. It must be awful for you to be treated like this.

Can you contact women’s aid?

This.

And you're teaching your daughter that this is how a man should treat a woman. That this is what a 'good' and 'kind' man looks like.

It's so very, very damaging and the longer he lives under the same roof as you both, the more likely it is that she'll replicate the dynamic as an adult in her own relationships.

He's an abuser who has recruited your own daughter to be complicit in his abuse of you. Hes recruited professionals like GPs and counsellors to establish you as an unreliable witness of his abuse. He's frighteningly effective at being an abuser. Genuinely scary.

You cannot make this marriage work. You cannot manage an abuser and have a happy, healthy relationship with them. It isn't possible. He wants to grind you down until you're completely unsure of yourself and think it's all your fault, so he can then say and do whatever he wants without considering you. He's almost there.

Don't let him get there.

He's ruining your life including your relationship with your daughter, who he has recruited to be complicit in his abuse of you. He's turning her against you.

You need to get away from this man.

I am working on not being as emotionally reactive

Because you think you shouldn't respond to your emotions. What do you think you should be responding to? What guidelines do you follow, regarding whether someone is right/wrong/hurtful/over-reacting etc?

I am working on not being as emotionally reactive

You're working on not reacting appropriately to abusive behaviour.

An appropriate reaction is to feel emotional, because being abused feels horrible.

An appropriate reaction is to leave the person abusing you and making you feel sad.

This is not what love looks like. Nowhere close.

He's training you to be compliant, obedient and self doubting. Isn't that sickening?

@fedupofmoods

Be careful, OP. You are dealing with a clever and relentless manipulator. He used the sessions with the past counsellor to know how to breach your defences. He uses the fact he works with women in the workplace to learn how to manipulate you. He is sowing the seed with your GP that you are in frail mental health and that you may be considering suicidal. He is befriending your child, using "humour" and personal attention from him to get her on side - against you.

Please, please, reread your post written at 11:58 with an objective eye and consider why you would try and make this marriage work, rather than build your defences, subtly, and get yourself and your daughter away from him.

I really do think you should get your own professional counsellor - without him - and keep those conversations to yourself because he has shown he will use anything you say against you.

Strength to you OP. 🌹

The longer you remain with this man the more unsure of yourself you will become.

He is on his way to destroying you.

He is a nasty, nasty scheming man, who is isolating you.

I bet you've never felt so lonely in your life.

Please drop the rope and make moves to escape this manipulative man.
Tell your GP that you want him to have no part in your medical care.

Over the past two years I was in a job I despised that ruined my mental health because of stress. I have quite a few emotional issues in general that I let get to me over those two years because of the job. I took all of this out on my husband. I snapped at him, was nice to others, but he became the outlet for me. I resented any move he made because of this and ended up fixating on the neatness of our home, which I am accountable for as the lower earner.

This has all been eradicated since he walked out on me. He went to stay with his parents for one week while I reflected on my behaviour – his words.

I went through feelings of him being the asshole and my moving on from him to having a discussion and hashing it all out and I ended up admitting what I was doing (above).

Things are better now because I had a wake up call.

This may not work with you though unless he is a good person underneath who loves you and wants a coherent family and so the wake up call will do just that.

If it doesn't it will be because he was trying to or didn't care if he did push you away.

But it's that “circuit breaker/kick up the backside” that did it for me.

I would be seriously questioning why he is trying to alienate your daughter from you, what's his agenda?

HI OP

Some things stand out from your posts very clearly:

”…it is becoming more and more difficult as I find myself having to justify what I’ve done or not done to cause him being in a mood.”

I wonder if I'm not doing enough to support as if i was his mood wouldn't be so angry with me?

”…he had identified I needed help.”

These indicate that he is blaming you for his behaviour and that he has convinced you that it is your fault. This is gaslighting. Please do not accept this. You cannot be responsible for his moods or his behaviour, only he is. It looks as though he finds it easier to blame you than accept responsibility for his own behaviour, health and wellbeing as he then doesn’t have to do anything about them. In other words, he does not intend to change himself in any way.

Any changes you make to yourself are unlikely to make any difference to him blaming you as he is CHOOSING to do this. He manages to be nice to others, but takes it out on you and this is abuse. By the sound of things you are working full-time and taking on the “mental load” at home so why should it all be about you supporting him? What does he do to support you? It sounds as if he is choosing to negatively impact your mental health. Trying to please him isn’t working and he isn’t explaining exactly what he wants you to do to support him; it is deliberately vague so he can keep the narrative that you are always in the wrong.

I would go to the therapy sessions as they could help, but don’t involve him. Please try to work on your assertiveness as you don’t have to put up with this and as you are not at fault, you don’t have to leave the house either. If everything you say or do is going to be “wrong” in his eyes you may as well not bother to say or do anything. I’d recommend not asking him about his day or even speaking to him much beyond one-word answers to any questions he poses. Eat before he gets in (you can leave him some food if you want) and go up with your DD and go to bed straight after her. You can always read/use phone/watch TV upstairs if it is too early for sleep. You can ignore his crappy behaviour by removing his audience. Try to remain calm and composed and never break down when he is there so he cannot use the “hysterical female” line against you. Please see a solicitor to find out where you would be financially should you split and reach out to your friends and family for support or a safe haven to go to should you need to. They may surprise you by having noticed and not wanted to say anything and being there for you. Sorry, I really can’t see him changing to be the person you want him to be. I think this is who he is and it is horrid to live with, plus he is trying to drive a wedge between you and your DD and there is a need to protect her from his behaviour. At the moment it suits him to be nice to her, but she could be next in line for his nasty side at any time.

Please copy any important documents, bank statements, rent/mortgage agreements, utilities, major purchases and keep the copy at work or with a friend in case he turns nasty. If he ever believes you to be suicidal again (presumably because he couldn’t believe that you weren’t going to do what he expected so he assumes there must be something wrong with you), calmly tell him that you are not. If he goes further and calls GP again or police to tell them you are suicidal, tell them it is nonsense and that you believe that he is simply trying to control you as you are planning on leaving him. They should be supportive at that point.
Wishing you well

OP I am horrified reading this - he sounds like an abusive, gaslighting bully. The fact he has booked you into counselling because of his appalling behaviour is truly chilling. Please start making steps to separate from him because I cannot see how this will change.

I’m really quite concerned for you op.

Please remember he’s not in charge of you. It is your husband who has severe mental health problems, not you. Do not let someone with mental health problems on this scale define your reality.

You don’t have to explain or justify yourself or answer his questions. You can simply walk away from him and not engage. You can also leave the table each time the conversation turns unpleasant. You need to have firm words with your dd about her nasty behaviour towards you too, because if you don’t nip this in the bud there’s going to be big trouble.

People like your husband are low energy and are only energised by feeding off other peoples negative emotions. I’m sure you’ve noticed that satisfied grin when he’s upset you and I suspect you’ve stayed awake crying while he is able to instantly fall asleep.

Emotional Energy is the currency with these abusers. The goading, the accusations and the moods are all designed to extract energy and negative emotions.

[quote fedupofmoods]@Geppili oh my goodness you mention gaslighting - he's accused me of that. I'm going to Google DARVO tomorrow but am now a bit scared about what it might reveal...

[/quote]
Also Google the following things. Honestly it's one of those times that a label is really, really useful. You can identify a lot from this. Don't be afraid to notice the things about yourself too but he is likely to be a "narcissistic personality disorder"

"crazy making"

Sweetheart, this is such an upsetting read. He picked you when you were vulnerable from the abuse of your ex. He's groomed you into Compliance, and into a world arranged around his needs and preferences.

Have you asked him what he means by that. If he can't answer than its his issue not yours.

I think you should call Women's Aid.

I remember my ex 'jokingly' calling me a stupid cunt because I did something in the wrong order making dinner. And I got this flash of a life where our future child would be laughing along with him at Mummy being a stupid cunt over whatever it was he deemed I did wrong that day. And that if I tried to put a stop to it, I'd be told that I'm just a stupid cunt with no sense of humour. I knew that with him my own flesh and blood would learn at his knee to never have respect for me. And that was the moment I knew my relationship had to end.

The way he's setting you up with health professionals is calculated and sinister - with luck it's just his sadistic sense of humour driving it but I would worry that he is setting you up to make you out to other people as mentally unstable for his own personal gain. Be very very wary. Say nothing whatsoever to him, quietly and discreetly seek out your own help - starting with Women's Aid.

I think you are missing the point.

You are doing nothing wrong and don't need to be more supportive.

He is manipulative and unpleasant character who is just taking you for granted and trying to blame you for his behaviour.

Leave him and get your life back.

If you won’t end this travesty of a marriage for yourself, please to God end it for your daughter. He sounds like the kind of man who’d have had his wife put in an asylum in the old days….but is he grooming your daughter? This would be my other concern - quite apart from his horrendous psychological abuse of you. Please contact Womens Aid and/or a solicitor and end this horror show NOW.

I bet you one thousand pounds that you wouldn't struggle half as much with emotional regulation if you lived with a nice person., or just DD. I'd struggle with emotional regulation if I had to deal with a gaslighting, triangulating, DARVOing arse.

You can leave. You really can.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I bet you one thousand pounds that you wouldn't struggle half as much with emotional regulation if you lived with a nice person., or just DD. I'd struggle with emotional regulation if I had to deal with a gaslighting, triangulating, DARVOing arse.

You can leave. You really can.

Yes, this. I had several partners in a row who were really bad for me, I was like me-gone-mad, it was awful.

As soon as I met a compatible partner, I was the usual me, calm, rational, peaceful etc.

Don't change yourself to fit the people around you, change the people around you to fit yourself. It's life changing. It's the difference between a good life and a bad one. It doesn't matter so much what you do or where you do it; if you surround yourself by lovely people, you can have a nice time doing the crappiest activities. If you surround yourself with people you don't click with, even the most luxurious and wonderful of activities can be miserable.

How we feel is all that matters, and we should be led by it, rather than what we think we should do. After all, do you want to say 'I had a lovely life' or 'I had a life where I did everything right'?

Yes, this. I had several partners in a row who were really bad for me, I was like me-gone-mad, it was awful.

An acquaintance, not even a friend, came up to me a few months after I divorced exH and said, "you're so much happier now, you used to be angry all the time". And I was. Angry all the time. Noticeably.

I understand the appeal of trying to analyse the man, and lost all the things he says, but really, do that in your own time. It’s not fair to make your daughter live in another abusive household, it damages people for life, having cortisol and adrenaline flooding a growing body.

Also, he’s scum. His words and thoughts are irrelevant. Divorce him, obviously, and keep any future males away from your child.

*listing all the things

The fact that you think any of this could be normal is deeply worrying, can you safeguard your daughter? I can guarantee she does not actually ‘adore’ the man, she’ll be appeasing him to keep you safe. (I speak from my own shit childhood)

This was frightening to read. He is absolutely horrible to you. I would be concerned about the rift he is creating between you and your DD by constantly scapegoating you and making her the golden child. This behaviour is usually a part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, in that it gratifies him without thought for the damage his is doing to a mother and child. I would also be concerned that this may be the beginning of him grooming your DD. Covert Incest is also connected to NPD: www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/covert-incest - Trust me - you do not want to save this marriage. Run.