Sibling ignoring me - can anyone shed some light?

[HonuOnMyKnees]

Hi, recently I asked my dad to borrow some money as a bridging loan to help with a property purchase. He offered 50k on a short term loan. I felt it was important to let my brother know about it so that we were upfront and it wasn’t seen to be done behind his back.

Brother gave his thoughts (seemed to think it wasn’t a good idea, asked a lot of valid questions, appeared to want to protect dad’s interests - all of which I feel was fair and reasonable). I replied to the email clarifying and correcting some of the questions and misunderstandings. Dad not only decided to offer the loan, he has said to me and to both of us in writing that he’s happy to have the money doing something useful instead of sitting gathering no interest.

I drew up a loan agreement which includes a repayment date this year and a lump sum interest payment. I sent a copy of the completed agreement to my brother.

Neither dad nor I have heard from my brother since. He has ignored texts and phone calls, and not replied to any comments I’ve made on his lighthearted (meme type) posts on social media. This is all very unlike him. Dad hasn’t had any emails either and has he’s tried to video call him a few times and has been cut off or no response.

For context, it is only the three of us, mum is no longer alive and no other siblings. We all live in different countries but are generally very close and have good relationships.

This all happened about a month ago. Dad told me yesterday he’s now angry with my brother. I’m baffled. I emailed my brother yesterday asking if he was ok and said dad mentioned he hadn’t heard from him for ages so I was checking in. Didn’t mention anything else because I don’t want to speculate or be seen to be jumping to conclusions.

I can’t think of any other reason why he would be ignoring us but I don’t understand why. What might I be missing here? Why might he be behaving this way? It seems really out of character. I could contact his wife but I don’t want to put her in the middle of it.

Any thoughts? I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and see why he’d be reacting this way but I’m lost. And I don’t know what to do to try to move it forward. Perhaps there’s nothing, perhaps I need to try again with a blunter message to say it seems you’re pissed off, do you mind telling me why and by the way why are you ignoring dad?

Argh, any wisdom would be really valued please!d

I wonder whether your brother recently had some kind of crisis that could have been relieved by a short term loan from your dad but he decided not to ask due to thinking that it wouldn't be fair on your dad?

If he is being unreasonable then there's nothing you can do or say to make and unreasonable person be reasonable. Don't hassle him for contact if he is not up for communication.

Has there been a history of favouritism would you say towards you?

Financial difficulties but hasn't said and needs help?

I'd be tempted to contact his wife and start with:

Hi, haven't heard from for a while so just checking you're all OK.

What have you got to lose?

Do you think he’s ever asked your Dad for a loan and been refused, maybe when a lot younger? Refused financial help when he was at uni, that kind of thing?

Thanks all. I did wonder if he had been hoping for a loan but I’ve no reason to suspect that. He has a good job and as far as I know is mortgage free and has been for years. He does have teenage kids though so university costs are imminent. But if that was the case he surely could have said actually dad I was hoping to borrow something, in which car more than likely my dad would have lent us half each?

Re favoritism no if anything it is more that he was favoured as we were growing up. Regarding any money or presents mum was always very strict that we go the same and dad has openly said he follows the same rule.

I might leave it another few days and then message his wife as suggested, just to check if everything is ok.

It’s such a horrible feeling and I don’t know how it’s going to play out.

@HunkyPunk no, and he got some financial help back then that I didn’t get (when he graduated and left home). I didn’t go to uni and went straight from home to a house with a mortgage age 20 as I was working.

If there’s anything like that then I don’t know about it.

If your parents have always said you get the same, why doesn't he have the same? Would be a question I'd be thinking if I was him. Maybe he doesn't need it now but £50k would probably have been very useful to him at some point in his life.

@FiremanSid but it’s a short term loan, not a gift. A loan for a specific purpose with a clear legal agreement drawn up including interest.

its a loan even if your Dad died it would be considered part of his estate. I think you need to let your Dad sort it out with him and back off and work on repaying etc.

As to others saying he should have got the same - its irrelevant its a loan

Have you been calling? I think one option would be to call and leave a voice message being honest. You are upset and worried to think he might be annoyed or upset and you’d really like to talk about it. See if he responds to that?

@RB68 yes exactly and the agreement specifically covers what would happen in the event of death. My brother and I are both powers of attorney and executors of the estate and dad has been very open about his will although I don’t know numbers.

@Holly60 I have tried calling twice but no answer and no ability to leave a message

It does matter if it's a loan on better terms than you would get from a bank. Again, there will have been times when the option of a £50k loan on better terms than a bank would have been useful to your brother. If it's not on better terms then cancel the arrangement and get a loan from a bank and save yourself the family argument.

I appreciate that it's a loan not a gift, but it's still giving you the opportunity to do something that you otherwise may not have been able to do i.e. afford a property.

I have been on the other side of this situation, in a way. My dad recently gave my brother £100,000 to help with a property purchase (gift, not cash), with the equivalent amount promised to me in his will when he dies.

My brother has just purchased a stunning new build property, on a lovely large plot of land. The gift also allowed them to buy the new property without having to sell their original house immediately.

Meanwhile myself, DH and our child are in a perfectly nice but normal house on an estate, bought well within our means as we didn't want to overburden ourselves. We didn't 'need' the help now because we aren't planning to move and are not outgrowing our home.

However, I am now incredibly resentful at both my Dad and my brother. I try not to show it but I have found myself speaking to them less over the last few months. Logically I absolutely understand my Dad's decision, and my brother's for accepting the money (who wouldn't?).. and I don't need the money.. but it has left me quite upset for reasons I cannot articulate.

Could it be the same for your brother here.. although it's a loan, it still has enabled you to do something that, if the money wasn't offered, you would not have been able to do? Your brother may have made 'sensible' choices, lived within his means, not asked for help and then it gets thrown back in his face?

Sulking is not a pleasant trait in a grown-up. I suggest stop chasing him and leave him to it.

@FiremanSid yes it is better terms then the bank and it’s also better terms for my dad than the bank. He was getting 0.01% interest on the money and we have agreed 1% interest so it works in his favour and mine.

If I understand correctly you’re suggesting that my brother might be annoyed for never having asked for something in the past? I suppose that could be the case but I have no way of knowing. Appreciate the viewpoint.

@Horizons83 hmm that’s interesting, thanks for sharing your experience. I guess that is possible but it seems unlikely. My brother lives in a country with a very different cost of living from me (some things are dearer but property, food and and lots of household and everyday things are cheaper). Additionally, as a result of his wife’s inheritance when her parent died, he has had for almost 20 years an enormous house which I understand never had a mortgage on it.

It is certainly an interesting perspective which I hadn’t considered and it’s interesting you say you have felt upset but can’t articulate why. Perhaps it is something like this but of course I’ll never know if he doesn’t talk to me!

@HonuOnMyKnees I fully accept that in my situation no-one has done anything wrong, and the feeling of resentment etc is mine to address, no-one else's.

Your brother should not take it out on you, but perhaps just needs a bit of time to work out his feelings. It does sound like he's had some 'luck' in other ways financially, which you potentially could have been envious of, but you have not let it affect you.

It is hard to articulate it.. I think for me, it's not the house itself, it's the knock on effect on other decisions.. they will now have more money to spend on nice holidays etc, my SIL has decided to go part time.. all options that were not afforded to me (even though I have very nice holidays of my own and don't want to go part time!!!! I told you there was no logic, it's all about my own envy and I need to get over it!).

You certainly shouldn't feel bad about accepting your dad's offer of help.. I was just trying to give you some perspective of the other side, which I guess is what you wanted! I probably wouldn't keep pushing it with him.

Thanks @Horizons83 I really appreciate your perspective and thoughts. I did post exactly for that as I hadn’t been able to fathom what might be going on for him, so this is opening my eyes to possibilities.

It’s all going to be mindreading though until/unless he talks to me! I think you and others are right about not pushing it. It’s just really puzzling and mostly sad as I don’t want to lose my only sibling.

Of course you've done nothing wrong. It's a short term loan and you dad will benefit financially from the interest payments. If he died it would be part of his estate. So no business of your brother's.

You've said that your father would have offered the same to your brother if he'd asked, so it isn't a favouritism thing (and you've said that if anything your brother was given favourable treatment and more financial help in the past).

It's possible his silence is unrelated. It's possible he's feeling peeved but knows he shouldn't / isn't sure why.

You've tried to reach out and he's not responding. I think I'd be tempted to leave it there. He's not being fair on you or your father. If he is genuinely annoyed then he's acting like a spoilt brat (maybe he thought he was the only one who deserved help?)

To be honest I don’t really understand why you’ve even involved him in this. It’s a loan between you and your dad with paperwork so not a gift.
If this was my mum and brother I’d be perplexed why I was being involved at all.

Thanks @layladomino, that’s how Dad and I see it.

@Idontgiveagriffindamn I feel it’s backfired on us for attempting to do the right thing. I felt I should let him know about it so that we were being above board and so it was all open and transparent. As dad said, we weren’t asking him for permission or approval, we were letting him know as a courtesy. Seems like that was a bad move.

But from his perspective by involving him you kind of were asking for approval or permission. He didn’t think it was a good idea and raised some questions. You’ve answered them but you’ve gone ahead anyway. Don’t get me wrong I think you’re not wrong to borrow the money. But your brother probably feels overridden and ignored in this.which has been caused by you involving him in something that he didn’t need to be involved in

I'd be losing my mind with worry. A whole month not replying? What makes you think it's about the money? Is he okay? He's making posts on social media, I suppose. But still. I'd be calling friends, work even. If he doesn't want to talk he has to use the words, 'I don't want to talk'.