Sibling ignoring me - can anyone shed some light?

[HonuOnMyKnees]

Hi, recently I asked my dad to borrow some money as a bridging loan to help with a property purchase. He offered 50k on a short term loan. I felt it was important to let my brother know about it so that we were upfront and it wasn’t seen to be done behind his back.

Brother gave his thoughts (seemed to think it wasn’t a good idea, asked a lot of valid questions, appeared to want to protect dad’s interests - all of which I feel was fair and reasonable). I replied to the email clarifying and correcting some of the questions and misunderstandings. Dad not only decided to offer the loan, he has said to me and to both of us in writing that he’s happy to have the money doing something useful instead of sitting gathering no interest.

I drew up a loan agreement which includes a repayment date this year and a lump sum interest payment. I sent a copy of the completed agreement to my brother.

Neither dad nor I have heard from my brother since. He has ignored texts and phone calls, and not replied to any comments I’ve made on his lighthearted (meme type) posts on social media. This is all very unlike him. Dad hasn’t had any emails either and has he’s tried to video call him a few times and has been cut off or no response.

For context, it is only the three of us, mum is no longer alive and no other siblings. We all live in different countries but are generally very close and have good relationships.

This all happened about a month ago. Dad told me yesterday he’s now angry with my brother. I’m baffled. I emailed my brother yesterday asking if he was ok and said dad mentioned he hadn’t heard from him for ages so I was checking in. Didn’t mention anything else because I don’t want to speculate or be seen to be jumping to conclusions.

I can’t think of any other reason why he would be ignoring us but I don’t understand why. What might I be missing here? Why might he be behaving this way? It seems really out of character. I could contact his wife but I don’t want to put her in the middle of it.

Any thoughts? I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and see why he’d be reacting this way but I’m lost. And I don’t know what to do to try to move it forward. Perhaps there’s nothing, perhaps I need to try again with a blunter message to say it seems you’re pissed off, do you mind telling me why and by the way why are you ignoring dad?

Argh, any wisdom would be really valued please!d

@HonuOnMyKnees, I hope he is mature and doesn't blow off your birthday. If he does, be the bigger person and act like everything is normal. I know it's hard but it'll get you to a solution sooner, I hope.

If he has some grievance about your childhood or the way your father does things, you don't want to get in the middle of it. That's what I'm basically saying. So it may feel like he is being a jerk and maybe he is, but there may be a wider problem. I hope this calms down soon.

@Momijin my partner borrowed some from his dad and his dad said ‘sure, I’ve done this for your sister a couple of times’. My partner was completely unfazed. Clearly it’s something that seems a big deal to some people and not a big deal to others.

I honestly hope you work things out, you must reiterate how quickly you will pay this back and keep him in the loop.

He will be distant but don't give up trying to be the bigger person, it's horrible when sibblings fall out, distressing for all parties, try to stay close.

@Onthedunes I don’t think we’re using dad’s capital to further our profit. It is a short term bridging loan, so I don’t really get that it’s using dads money for profit. Or do you mean because it’s for property you see it as profiting?

Dad is also benefiting from this arrangement and he has pointed this out to my brother.

@Antst I’ll keep focused on being the bigger person and hope we can resolve it when he is ready to engage. You’re right, I don’t know what this could be brining up although he actually had a much smoother relationship with my dad growing up than I did. But who knows what’s going on.

@Onthedunes thanks, hope so too and yes big focus is getting this paid back asap.

OP some of what you describe has echoes in my own family history, so it was a bit of an uncomfortable read.
Have you or your Dad replied to your brother saying, thank you for getting back to us, and accept that he is allowed to have a different opinion from you and your Dad about whether this is a good idea.

Sometimes these things can be defused by letting people know they can be heard, and an attitude of, (from your Dad particularly) "Well, I think it probably will be OK, but feel free to say I told you so if it all ends badly".

Would it be a good guess that your family has little practice in handling conflict or different viewpoints gracefully? My family had a lot of people, well, just cutting each other off because they just had no idea what else to do.

Op are you male or female ?

From the outside, it honestly sounds as if your brother is resentful towards you and your dad. It also sounds like a fit of pique.

I have a brother who, despite two other siblings, thinks he should always have the last word on everything.
We’ve learned to listen, but make our own choices.
NO!!! That’s not true - we’ve learned to tolerate him and tune out his bloviating.
A little of that goes a very long way.

You’ve informed your brother, and answered his questions satisfactorily.
That should be the end of it.
If your brother doesn’t approve of an agreement between you and your dad, that’s a “his” problem, not a “you & dad” problem.

@whenwilliwillibefamous I don’t think dad has replied (he certainly hasn’t copied me in if he has). I haven’t yet as I really wasn’t sure the best way to.

Interesting question about how we handled conflict as a family. When we were growing up dad was very hot headed and conflict was addressed head on and definitely not gracefully! However dad and I now can - and do - have discussions about things we disagree with and have quite animated debates about things. I don’t know if my brother has seen that change in dad (and me tbh) and don’t know if he ever gets into discussions with differing views with him.

On reflection it appears that my brother’s approach to differences of opinion is to shut down. I can think of two topics I wouldn’t raise with my brother because I know we have different views and he doesn’t seem to be interested in open discussion about them. His view is right and that’s it, is the impression he gives.

@Onthedunes I’m female. Do you think they makes a difference?

@DreamTheMoors thanks for the gift of the amazing word ‘bloviating’!!

I do feel the way he has reacted to this is a ‘his’ problem but unfortunately it’s affected us all.

@Onthedunes I’m female. Do you think they makes a difference?

Not at all, but it may have bearing with your brother and your partner.

Maybe he feels it was his decision.

@DreamTheMoors thanks for the gift of the amazing word ‘bloviating’!!

I agree, love it !!

[quote HonuOnMyKnees]@DreamTheMoors thanks for the gift of the amazing word ‘bloviating’!!

I do feel the way he has reacted to this is a ‘his’ problem but unfortunately it’s affected us all.[/quote]
@HonuOnMyKnees

You’re letting his problem become your problem. You’re playing right into his hands.

You told him of your plans.
He asked questions.
You answered said questions.
He went silent.
You chased after him.
He’s no doubt enjoying the power this is giving him: ”You have not yet satisfied my definition of contrition, and until you do… silence.”

You’ve made every effort to contact him. He’s not responded. I think it’s fair now to stop playing his game.
If he wants to talk, he knows to get in touch with you or your dad. Right?
It hurts. Of course it hurts! You love your brother, so I ask you: why would he punish you like this?
Why is he acting like a petulant middle schooler instead of a mature adult?
Time to let it be, dear Honu. Time to put it down.
Have a chat with your dad and explain that there isn’t much more you can reasonably do. If brother won’t respond, well, there’s no forcing him, is there? What your dad needs to know is that he’s loved and cared for, and that brother’s behaviour is just, well, unexplainable and bizarre. And immature, to be perfectly honest.
And leave it at that.
The longer it troubles and upsets you, the better your likes it - and wins at his silly little game.
Let it go, and he’ll either come back or he won’t, but that’s on him - not you, as much as it hurts.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Try to stop feeling as though you have, and try to stop letting people make you feel as though you have.
That serves only them - never you.
I wish you luck, and I wish you strength, and I wish you love. ❤️

I sometimes worry my eyes will permanently get stuck in the 🙄 position during my brother’s bloviation sessions. Thank goodness for extreme social distancing.

Can’t you just reply ‘while you’re thinking, do you think dropping completely out of contact with dad was a mature way to respond? I regret trying to make sure everything was open and you knew everything that was going on, as that approach really works best with mature reasonable people and I don’t see your reaction as either of those.’

I mean, it’s all completely true.

@DreamTheMoors thank you.

@timeisnotaline it’s very tempting!

Looking at it from a different point of view, one of the things that stands out to me, is rather than being really worried about your brother, you dad's instinct is to change his will and various financial things.

Is it possible, that this loan is something he is going to hold over you?

If so, is it possible your brother knows this and its not something he wanted you to face? If you go back and look at the questions again, could they actually be trying to protect you?

Is it possible, that he had to take time out to figure out how to deal with this?

In fact yesterday when dad started talking to me about changing his will I specifically told dad I did not endorse him cutting my brother out.

There is surely some history. Even if your brother is being unreasonable & sulking it's an extreme reaction for your dad to want to cut him out of the will.

@Sobeyondthehills @bindud there’s no history. And no I don’t think it’s something my dad would hold over me/my brother trying to protect me.

My dad’s (emotional) reaction is due to the fact that he has been ignored by my brother for 5 weeks. And in dads view he has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve that treatment. Dad knew my brother was well because he’s seen him post on social media too. He has reached out and been ignored.

I agree it was an extreme reaction from dad and I’ve discussed it with him and encouraged him not to act in haste. I encouraged him to try my brother again which he did with the email yesterday. And I can also understand dad’s concern. His son ignoring him for 5 weeks doesn’t really inspire confidence in his role as a PoA/executor. My advice to dad was that he should get some legal advice and consider appointing an independent executor. I dissuaded him from cutting him off.

My dad’s (emotional) reaction is due to the fact that he has been ignored by my brother for 5 weeks. And in dads view he has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve that treatment

I still think it's extreme to react to the above by cutting someone out of the will.

there’s no history.

But what's your brothers perspective? Yes he needs to talk to you but he's clearly aggrieved. Did you ask him why he was upset?

@bindud I don’t disagree. I didn’t think dad should cut him off and said as much. Dads view is that it’s an extreme reaction for my brother to ignore him for 5 weeks for entering into a legally-documented loan arrangement from which he (dad) benefits.

I don’t know how many times I have to state that my brother has repeatedly ignored me! I don’t know why he’s upset because he won’t engage with me. I’ve no idea what his perspective is because he won’t give it. When I replied to his initial email with questions I suggested we talk further if he still had questions. I’ve had no response since then.

You're brother is behaving like an idiot.
Stop trying to contact him in the short term.
Maybe text again in a month and see if you get a response.

Do you all live close to each other?

If I was your Dad I'd " drop in" for a visit unannounced just to say hello .

I do think your brother needs to talk to you about his feelings & hopefully given time he will mellow & open up. And yes he shouldn't ignore your dad & as you say it's extreme so it's obviously out of character. Although I think it's bizarre that your dad would jump to cutting him out of the will. To me that suggests there is some backstory.

@Cocogreen we all live in different countries.

@bindud I appreciate it might seem that way to you but if there is any back story I am completely unaware of it.