Sibling ignoring me - can anyone shed some light?

[HonuOnMyKnees]

Hi, recently I asked my dad to borrow some money as a bridging loan to help with a property purchase. He offered 50k on a short term loan. I felt it was important to let my brother know about it so that we were upfront and it wasn’t seen to be done behind his back.

Brother gave his thoughts (seemed to think it wasn’t a good idea, asked a lot of valid questions, appeared to want to protect dad’s interests - all of which I feel was fair and reasonable). I replied to the email clarifying and correcting some of the questions and misunderstandings. Dad not only decided to offer the loan, he has said to me and to both of us in writing that he’s happy to have the money doing something useful instead of sitting gathering no interest.

I drew up a loan agreement which includes a repayment date this year and a lump sum interest payment. I sent a copy of the completed agreement to my brother.

Neither dad nor I have heard from my brother since. He has ignored texts and phone calls, and not replied to any comments I’ve made on his lighthearted (meme type) posts on social media. This is all very unlike him. Dad hasn’t had any emails either and has he’s tried to video call him a few times and has been cut off or no response.

For context, it is only the three of us, mum is no longer alive and no other siblings. We all live in different countries but are generally very close and have good relationships.

This all happened about a month ago. Dad told me yesterday he’s now angry with my brother. I’m baffled. I emailed my brother yesterday asking if he was ok and said dad mentioned he hadn’t heard from him for ages so I was checking in. Didn’t mention anything else because I don’t want to speculate or be seen to be jumping to conclusions.

I can’t think of any other reason why he would be ignoring us but I don’t understand why. What might I be missing here? Why might he be behaving this way? It seems really out of character. I could contact his wife but I don’t want to put her in the middle of it.

Any thoughts? I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and see why he’d be reacting this way but I’m lost. And I don’t know what to do to try to move it forward. Perhaps there’s nothing, perhaps I need to try again with a blunter message to say it seems you’re pissed off, do you mind telling me why and by the way why are you ignoring dad?

Argh, any wisdom would be really valued please!d

@bindud

My dad’s (emotional) reaction is due to the fact that he has been ignored by my brother for 5 weeks. And in dads view he has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve that treatment

I still think it's extreme to react to the above by cutting someone out of the will.

It depends what he meant. Cutting him out of the inheritance seems extreme, yes. But reconsidering his role as executor or poa seems quite natural - his odd and judgemental attitude to his dads money decisions combined with an inability to address these with any maturity make it seem quite sensible to reconsider him having either of these roles.

Which is fair enough. Just leave him bf & hopefully he will reach out. Good luck

But reconsidering his role as executor or poa seems quite natural - his odd and judgemental attitude to his dads money decisions combined with an inability to address these with any maturity make it seem quite sensible to reconsider him having either of these roles.

And that's where you need to hear the brothers side imo. And yes he should communicate his feelings but sometimes people can't initially as they are too hurt or angry.

Its hard to read this without assuming that there is some wider context here.

Have you borrowed money from your parents before and not paid back? Even as a teen? Or is there any history of you being poor with money in the past? Or anything in your life that would make him think you might make rash financial decisions ?

Has your brother got any reason to think your dad is vulnerable ? Either due to age or forgetfulness. Your messages about writing out of wills make me think he possibly is. That would make this sort of arrangement worrying for your brother.

Is there anything to do with the new house purchase and sale of old one that is risky? Or why you need a bridging loan in the first place? Why did you go to Dad for the loan? Was it refused by the bank? Or likely to have been refused ? I would feel uncomfortable with a parent making a loan that a bank wouldn’t.

You don’t have to answer these questions here but I wonder if reflecting on them and similar thoughts will get you to where your brother is coming from.

I also suspect that the silence isn’t done to upset you if this is the first time it’s happened. I suspect he’s trying to stay out of the situation until you’ve paid back the money to reduce the risk of future conflict

It sounds like you tried to do the right thing but actually how your dad lends his money is actually nothing to do with your brother and it sounds as if he'd have been happier not knowing. If my dad lent any of my brothers money I wouldn't want to know. It's not my money and fairness aside, if he decided to gift them or lend them large sums and not me then that would be his prerogative. I wouldn't have involved him. I wouldn't have been secretive but certainly not sent him all the info. Perhaps he feels as though you're showing off?

@HonuOnMyKnees sorry you did state that in your first post, I missed it!
Makes it harder when none of you live in the same country.

So Dad is helping you out in a BIG way financially.
But no sign of him helping out his other DS.

I would be pretty annoyed if my DP started helping out ONE member of the family financially and not the others. But I wouldn't ask it of them.

What should have happened is that you asked for the loan - DF says I am happy to lend it but first I need to see if DS2 would like 50,000 for a year or two. Sounds a bit like the DS2 already feels he is the outcast. And the fact that DF didn't involve him at all looks that is the case.

I wouldn't lend large sums to one family member - I have 3 DCs and have given money towards houses but they are treated equally.

@bindud

We didn’t ask for his opinion.

Do you think he's entitled to ons?

Why is he entitled to and opinion (with impact) in these circumstances? It’s not his money or his business. His dad was not asking him for financial advice.. He was simply being kept informed.

"dad was very hot headed and conflict was addressed head on and definitely not gracefully"
"quite animated debates"

And as you said your Dad's reaction to your brother not speaking was ... not the best

Look, YES it's your Dad's money
YES he has the right to do whatever he likes with it
YES it doesn't sound as if you're taking undue advantage

But your Dad ... does he actually love your brother? Do you love DB? You don't say anything about him questioning his past behaviour to work out why DB might have been this way, or trying to mend relations. I can see why your brother might well have not learned how to express dissent in a, "but it's your business" civil way, or have learned how to articulate why he feels the way he does, and TBH even if he could do that - would your Dad have let him speak, assured him that he would do as much for him, allowed him a different opinion, and affirmed that he didn't want the disagreement to come between them?
Would you have?

Btw I'm sure your brother has his faults too, but the reason there's less point in looking at them is - we can't change other people's behaviour. We can modify our own to elicit different responses from them and we can try to set a good example with our behaviour; but if we hope to magically 'get someone else to be different' by telling them to be, that rarely works. Because people are people. It seems unfair in a way but in the long term it's really worth learning to take the, "maybe I'm wrong but I love you and don't want this to come between us" line, and also, truly hearing people out, as they once they've vented their feelings they are much more in a mood to listen to conciliation and compromise talk.

[quote HonuOnMyKnees]@RB68 yes exactly and the agreement specifically covers what would happen in the event of death. My brother and I are both powers of attorney and executors of the estate and dad has been very open about his will although I don’t know numbers.[/quote]
Having seen another side (financially and relationally unreliable) to one of my siblings recently, I was moved to suggest that my parents change the terms of their wills so that my siblings and I are no longer executors, and that the when they die their estate is managed by the solicitors who drew up their wills. I can't bear the idea that we will fall out about money after decades of getting on relatively well.

I agree it was an extreme reaction from dad and I’ve discussed it with him and encouraged him not to act in haste. I encouraged him to try my brother again which he did with the email yesterday. And I can also understand dad’s concern. His son ignoring him for 5 weeks doesn’t really inspire confidence in his role as a PoA/executor. My advice to dad was that he should get some legal advice and consider appointing an independent executor. I dissuaded him from cutting him off

I actually disagree with this, I would trust your brother in his role as POA/executor.
He looks like he has strong morals towards money, someone who would be honest with the devision of assets.

One of the problems with siblings, money and inheritances can be the sibling's partners.
You didn't say whether this loan was the idea of your partner or you.

I actually disagree with this, I would trust your brother in his role as POA/executor.
He looks like he has strong morals towards money, someone who would be honest with the devision of assets.

One of the problems with siblings, money and inheritances can be the sibling's partners.

Not sure I agree, he’s shown himself as someone that thinks he should have input on family member’s financial decisions…

Answering some questions:
@wildseas no, answer to all those questions is no. No background re borrowing, no vulnerability, no risk around purchase.

@Nillynally not sure why he would think I’m showing off. We’re actually moving to somewhere cheaper so it’s not like we’re buying a mansion or anything. But without him talking to who knows?

@Spookytooth I didn’t ask for this sum, he offered it. And it’s not for a year or two.

@whenwilliwillibefamous of course my dad and I love my brother. And yes we would have let him speak if he had engaged with us.

@Onthedunes my dad is of the view that if my brother is able to ignore us for weeks and refuse to engage then they doesn’t inspire confidence in a role with such responsibilities as PoA or executor. Fwiw dad also doesn’t think it’s my brother’s business how he chooses to leans his money (he has stated this to me). Partners are not really relevant in this, my partner has not been involved in any discussion with my dad or brother. My parents has borrowed some money from his family too - same arrangements as me and dad (or a short term bridging loan) but no family drama on his side.

A few typos in last post - should say my partner has borrowed money, not my parents 😑

Also an update that since my brother’s fairly short reply to dad and I, he has now messaged my dad with some stuff related to his kids so it appears he is engaging with dad again. So that’s a good step forward at least on that side.

I’ve sent him a short email saying I appreciate he has a different view of the loan but without talking to him I don’t understand his feelings about it, and put the ball in his court to be in touch if he wants since I’ve tried a few times.

I’m now concentrating on moving beyond this so it doesn’t consume my energy and focus. There isn’t anything else I can do unless/until he wants to talk and I can’t change or control his response to it. I am processing my feelings about it all and focusing on letting go so it doesn’t create distress for me.

@EmilyDickinson

I guess that if your brother is almost 50 and you, perhaps, are a similar age, maybe he feels that you are both at an age where you should be financially independent of a parent in their 70s/80s? Perhaps he feels that it would be difficult for your father to say no to the request, as he does have the amount needed in savings and that, maybe you shouldn’t have asked him, but got a bank loan instead? I’m in no way judging your actions and I appreciate what you say about it being a mutually beneficial arrangement, it’s just that given the ages it’s perhaps more common for children of your age not to be asking parents well past pension age for financial support.

I agree that this could be a possibility. In my experience (and from reading various MN threads), it’s fairly common for parents to help children in their 20s and 30s, but once you’re in your 40s it seems to be emergencies only. We borrowed £5k from PIL about ten years ago when we bought our first house (both in our 30s), and paid it back, but I’d feel very uncomfortable borrowing that today now they are both retired. In fact, we never cancelled the monthly payment so now give them £100 a month to help out.

There may also be some resentment (as a PP said about her brother getting money to buy a new house) that while your brother doesn’t need the money, he’s still not getting the chance to have the money.

It’s great that your brother has contacted your dad, and I hope things calm down. I’d make sure you’re very clear about repayment (DH did this with his brothers) so there’s no chance for resentment.

I'm glad your brother has made contact and agree it's best to leave him be now and let him decide what contact he wants. Good luck.