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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can a relationship with a PD partner ever work?

154 replies

Sh1vers · 31/01/2022 22:48

I feel silly writing this, but I am actually not sure where else to write this. Please move this to a more suitable forum if I picked the wrong one.
I'm with my boyfriend a bit more than a year, and I am having doubts, but I also think that I am the one who is unfair here :(

I recently found out that my partner has a personality disorder, and it is freaking me out. At the same time I know that I am being super judgmental and I don't want to be this person. I started googling things and everything sounds doomed, and I am just so sad about it.

Some years ago I left a very toxic and abusive relationship, and I swore never to let this happen to me again. Yet here I am, wondering about my every choice and whether to trust my judgement.

I really hope reading this won't upset anyone who suffers from a personality disorder, because it's not my intention to judge. I'm just not in a very good place myself (depression and anxiety), and I think I am wondering if this is a combination that can ever work, even though I really want it to.

OP posts:
freedomhereicome · 21/03/2022 23:11

Just wanted to give you a virtual hug

Don't beat yourself up over it. You were compassionate and didn't want to write him off.

It says a lot about you.

But take some time out to think about what you and what you want. Put yourself first.

Take care and go easy on yourself Thanks

speakball · 22/03/2022 09:47

Bring that compassion to yourself. It a not wrong to avoid toxic relationships, not everyone is mentally well enough for the responsibility of an intimate relationship, that's just reality. If you had a friend who had just been through this you wouldn't think she deserved poor treatment. Most likely you'd see that her past makes it tricky for her to keep herself safe. Imagine how much you would want her to keep away from him. You'd see that whatever he needed to be healthy it wasn't her job and she wasn't the right person to support him. You would in no way think she was unkind if she had firm boundaries.

You should be aware that often, people like this man will discard and hoover many many times to form a trauma bond. It's a way of creating a chemical dependency on the highs and lows. It would be worth reading about trauma bonds and the discard idealise cycle.

Original poster
Sh1vers · 22/03/2022 13:57

No I wouldn’t be happy for a friend to be treated this way, you are right.
It still hurts, but I got to admit that I also feel ashamed because I didn’t listen, so I don’t really want to tell people what happened.
I’m going to work on myself now because I don’t want to end up in this situation again..I am sad and miss him but I hope he will leave me alone and won’t try to reach out again.
I didn’t know the term trauma bonding but it makes sense..I think there might have been something like this happening between us.
I just can’t believe I am in this situation again. It’s as if nothing changed.

OP posts:
speakball · 22/03/2022 14:58

Well you're here talking about it and learning about concepts that will help you heal and thrive. Have a look into self parenting. I'm wondering if there was an uninterested/harsh parent in your childhood?

Original poster
Sh1vers · 22/03/2022 20:48

Yes I never want to go back there again. I also don’t want to speak to him, so I hope he will just stay away.
I did have a harsh parent, but my siblings got the same treatment and don’t seem to be as messed up as me. I just don’t want anything to do with men for a while I think.
Thank you btw, I appreciate it.

OP posts:
UnderTheSkyInsideTheSea · 23/03/2022 21:39

@Sh1vers

Thank you. I just feel hurt and so stupid, but it’s deserved.
Of course you don’t deserve it! You’ve done well to listen to your instincts to question things. How he reacted to your valid concerns is what ended the relationship. Have more faith in yourself, @Sh1vers. Smile
Original poster
Sh1vers · 28/03/2022 22:22

He’s not staying away though:(
I’ve been ignoring him but it still irks me because I don’t need this. I had a good day and was distracted and then he needed to inject himself again.
And yes, I have blocked him, but it’s still unpleasant..I am happy to be in work at the moment.

OP posts:
speakball · 28/03/2022 22:34

Its horrible being put in this situation but you didn't cause this. You just carry on ignoring and reading about healing from abusive relationships. That will be your biggest help right now.

speakball · 28/03/2022 22:36

Is he bothering you at work?

Original poster
Sh1vers · 28/03/2022 22:46

He did bother me in work but just by messaging, he didn’t turn up or so. I didn’t respond at all and I won’t. It just annoys me that he did it in the first place and I hope he will get the message.
I don’t wish him harm or so, but I just want him to go away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sh1vers · 01/04/2022 12:53

He’s now emailed me for no bloody reason whatsoever and I lost it. I know I said I was going to ignore him but this just really pissed me off now and I unblocked him and had a go.
His oh so good reason for emailing me was that he had a job interview and how much more money he’d get (he is already earning a shitload, but I guess it can never be enough for some people). As if I’d care.
I lost a family member some weeks back and attended the funeral yesterday. He knew. Or at least I had told him at the time when the funeral would be. Not a word, not a question, he’d either forgotten or doesn’t care. I was already feeling emotional and then this shit email about him.
I was mean. I know I was and I hate being like this when he had probably just forgotten. It didn’t make me feel better, I feel worse. Just had to vent, though I am mainly annoyed about my lack of control.

OP posts:
speakball · 01/04/2022 16:18

Just block on every thing, email, phone etc. Keep reading about childhood trauma and how it affects adult relationship patterns. You can do this

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 16:15

He now turned up “randomly” as I was leaving work and latched on. I think I did reasonably well trying to engage as little we possible (grey rock?) but it didn’t seem to deter him.
I am upset now though, it somehow shook me. I don’t even know what he actually wants from me??
There can’t be anything he genuinely wants but why does he try to wedge himself back into my life?
How can a person have so little self awareness ..
sorry for the rant, it had to come out

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 17:13

Is there a reason that you feel unable to tell this man to fuck off?

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 17:25

I had told him to fuck off before (not in those words but I had gotten very direct as I had been upset).
He doesn’t seem to care or understand. Probably doesn’t care I guess

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 17:43

Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 17:25

I had told him to fuck off before (not in those words but I had gotten very direct as I had been upset).
He doesn’t seem to care or understand. Probably doesn’t care I guess

Did you, really? I’m not trying to be unkind, OP, but your posts read like you’re trying not to upset him or the applecart too much. Like you’re still worried about being ‘nice’ and all that other nonsense that causes women to tie themselves into knots to appease garbage men.

If you tell someone to leave you alone and they don’t, that’s harassment. Tell him you will contact the police if he ever contacts you again. If he persists, follow through and contact the police.

His motivations are irrelevant. His feelings are irrelevant. He doesn’t need to care or understand. He just needs to fuck off.

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 18:14

You are probably right. I absolutely don’t want any drama and I just want him to “lose interest”. He thrives on conflict and reactions so I am trying to give as little as possible.
I don’t buy the “random” encounter and it made me uncomfortable.
I think reporting him would escalate things?

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 18:26

It’s not ‘drama’. It’s you taking control of the situation, shutting it down and not allowing him to ride roughshod over you.

When you say you think reporting him would escalate things, what specifically do you mean? What specific actions is he not undertaking now that you feel he will undertake if you report him to the police? What exactly (I want you to be very clear on this with yourself) is it that you think will happen?

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 18:31

Well so far he is actually just being annoying because he kept injecting himself when I told him very clearly that I do not want any contact with him. He comes up with excuses and anecdotes and I think he is trying to make himself important, but I am not sure.
He isn’t a big fan of the police and I think reporting him would annoy him. He can be very unpleasant when he gets angry and I really don’t want to be his enemy. I just want to be forgotten.

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 18:37

He’s not ‘just being annoying’ if he’s messaging you and ‘randomly’ bumping into you after work. That’s harassment. Don’t minimise it.

And, I’ll ask again: When you say you think reporting him would escalate things, what specifically do you mean? What specific actions is he not undertaking now that you feel he will undertake if you report him to the police? What exactly (I want you to be very clear on this with yourself) is it that you think will happen?

You said: He isn’t a big fan of the police and I think reporting him would annoy him. He can be very unpleasant when he gets angry and I really don’t want to be his enemy I’m asking what that means. What is it you’re scared he’ll actually do?

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 19:03

I don’t know what will happen if I report him, and it’s not a nice feeling. I’ll have to assume it will go the same way as when he doesn’t get his way. Then he gets persistent, mean and cruel. I got to see that side once only and it was very upsetting.
I that he can get very cruel and that he enjoys tormenting people if he thinks they wronged him, so I would rather not get to see that. I can share what he did to others that I know of, but I don’t know what he’d do to me…he obviously knows my weak spots..
Unfortunately he is smart enough and gets away with a lot.
I think what scared me about today was the unexpected appearance, and I would be absolutely terrified if that had happened after dark.
I’ll make it very clear that I do not want him to contact me and that I will contact the police if he does it again. But I don’t know if I would actually go through with the threat:( I know I’m a chicken

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 19:14

HOW will he get ‘persistent, mean and cruel’? What will he actually do? And what’s stopping him from doing whatever these mysterious things are if you don’t go to the police. You’re surely aware that if he persists after you’ve reported him to the police, they can do something about it? As opposed to if you don’t, in which case you’ll just carry on as you are now.

OP, he’s not some sort of Machiavellian supervillain. I think you need to be sensible about this and stop being so passive! Make use of the resources available to you and help yourself. If you’re unwilling to do that, then I guess that’s that. He’ll continue to do as he likes and you’ll continue to let him. Good luck.

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 19:23

He’s terrorised people before and gotten away with it. Unless those were lies of course. He uses others to do his bidding so he won’t be associated with whatever happened.
I don’t think he is violent but he admitted to having been violent in his youth, but stopped all of that because it was going to mess up his life.
Unless it was all lies, I don’t know what to believe.
Maybe I could speak to the police and just get their thoughts and log it. I do have a log of the times he has reached out and I also have my responses telling him to leave me alone.

OP posts:
150poundrebate · 27/05/2022 19:28

Terrorised them HOW? You keep saying things like ‘he’ll be mean’ and ‘he’s done it before’. What? What are these acts of terror?

Original poster
Sh1vers · 27/05/2022 19:29

I don’t know. He gets off on people being scared and confused, and questioning themselves.
I was shocked when he just made an appearance so I guess that means that I got scared and should report this now.

OP posts: